FAS + RAD + ADD = Eve of Destruction. Hope? Help?
October 26, 2011 12:11 PM   Subscribe

FAS + RAD + ADD = Eve of Destruction. Hope? Help?

8 months ago my daughter & SIL took in an 11 YO girl (let's call her Eve). Eve is SIL's cousin of some variation who had been -- how to put this? -- passed around the extended family most of her life. They wanted to give Eve a loving, stable home and help her have a good life. The intention was to adopt, and Eve's father was quite willing to agree.

While they expected her to have issues, they have been ambushed (as in, hidden by previous care-givers) by the extent of Eve's problems: Fetal Alchohol Syndrom, Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADD, some signs of OCD and ODD.

They have been in touch with a local (Puget Sound area) expert in RAD and it sounds like when combined with FAS it is a nearly hopeless situation for all involved.

The adoption is off the table. My daughter is now just trying to find an alternative to sending Eve back to her father (mother is in the wind) that isn't going to wreck her marriage and finances.

Yes, my daughter knows she isn't responsible (legally) for Eve and what happens to her but she would like for her to have some chance at a normal life (or as close as possible). If Eve goes home to Daddy, her neglect will continue and she won't get any help at all.

Right now the only option that seem at all viable is find a boarding school that is skilled in RAD, even though the costs will probably come out of her own pocket.

I'm interested in any and all insights and suggestions other than "send her back to her father" as that is the known last resort -- unless there are considerations we've missed on that front.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)
 
Why is your daughter not planning to send the girl back to her father? Why is it even your daughter's decision where to send her since she has not adopted her? It sounds like the father has not surrendered his parental rights, so this is his decision, not your daughter's.

Given that your daughter's goal was to provide this girl with a stable place to live (finally), I'm not clear on why the adoption is off the table. Did she not anticipate the girl would have problems? Was it on the table only if the girl was well-behaved? Is addressing the problems AND adopting her a possibility?

If your daughter's main concern is with someone taking the girl off her hands, the father needs to make the decision unless there's some big reason not to.
posted by jayder at 12:29 PM on October 26, 2011


You may wish to contact Dr. Jean Mercer through her blog to at least get an idea of which therapies and places to avoid, and which might help. She is in touch with many in this field and has done a lot of work with it. From what I have heard, FAS makes everything more difficult; you have my sympathy and I hope this helps:

http://childmyths.blogspot.com/
posted by mermayd at 12:30 PM on October 26, 2011


(to be more clear: has the father been adjudicated to be neglectful? Have his rights been terminated? If not, this is his decision, I would think. It's generally not alright to just pass kids around until the current person can't take it anymore. There needs to be official intervention.)
posted by jayder at 12:31 PM on October 26, 2011


NOFAS is a national Fetal Alcohol Syndrome help-site/clearinghouse which provides information on FAS and referrals and links to sources in your area.

Is Eve on, or can she get, SSI? Is she enrolled in school and is there an IEP for her? Does her father have legal custody and the passing around the family just an informal arrangement or do your daughter and SIL have any legal guardianship in place?

Unfortunately, FAS is one of the worst disabilities a child can be saddled with as it means, among other things, that they will need constant supervision and structure their whole lives, which means parents, guardians or sheltered living in most cases. Good luck to your daughter and SIL, and to Eve.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:41 PM on October 26, 2011


Wow. As someone who works with kids like Eve everyday, I can assure you that nobody on the internet can give you any valid advice. There are many levels and types of FAS, ADD, and RAD. Each kid with these challenges is unique.

Unfortunately, Eve will likely end up in therapeutic foster care or a group home, unless the family is very wealthy and can afford private school. And even then, Eve's behavioral needs may disqualify her from many private school settings. And some specialized private schools are really just institutions anyway. Be careful.

Has a behavior specialist been contracted? This is what I do and if Eve has Medicaid, this can be arranged by a county or state case manager. Is Eve enrolled in case management? If not, that's step one.

Be very very careful of anyone who claims to be a RAD expert. Make sure the treatment is based in attachment theory. If any mentions 'holding therapy' run away, very far away.

Feel free to memail me. I will not provide behavioral consultation over the internet because that would be unethical but I might be able to answer some basic questions.
posted by dchrssyr at 1:10 PM on October 26, 2011


It is not true that every individual with an FAS diagnosis will need constant supervision forever. Fetal alcohol exposure presents on a spectrum.
posted by dchrssyr at 1:13 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yes, steer clear of any sort of "holding therapy". There are many dangerous and unethical practitioners in this field. Children have been hurt and killed by some kinds of" holding therapy." Also be careful what kind of group home or special boarding school she may be sent to. Some are just sadistic dumping grounds for "bad" kids with various problems.

Agreeing you need to see a competent professional in your area to assess Eve and the family's options. You are getting some good advice here but the internet is not the place to get specifics. For that you need in-person contact.
posted by mermayd at 1:32 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


The boarding schools are pricey, and you will need to do extensive research to make sure they're not abusive, because there are lots of horror stories from survivors of "adoption therapy".

We had respite on several occasions for some of our kids, and it was awful some times and a huge help other times. We have had multiple counselors due in part to the state system and who was available, therapists who moved etc. Getting a good counselor is crucial, but is something that may require checking out several different counselors, and seeing who connects with the child and the family. It's exhausting, but it's much better to find a good counselor than settle for the first one that comes along.

Your daughter would probably benefit from talking to a family lawyer about her rights and choices. If she can anonymously talk to a social worker or another parent who's been through the system, that would help too. Every country has a completely different system and knowing how to navigate it is crucial. If you know the right key words to use and who in the department to contact, you can get services and help.

Parenting a traumatised child is very difficult and time-consuming, even if you can get external support. If your daughter can't do it, and there's no-one else in the extended family who can, then you need to start reading up on your local foster care system. It's a crapshoot. You get amazing foster parents, and people who damage the kids even further. But increasingly, foster care allows birth relatives to stay involved with frequent visits and more. Your daughter should seriously think about staying involved as an aunt-figure in the girl's life.

With traumatised children, the whole happy ever after Oprah-style story of redemption is extremely rare and makes struggling parents feel like failures. What you get is reduced harm - a child who could have been a total mess and hurt others, turned into a child who grows into a functioning and stable adult, happy and healthy.

And that's based on my experience. Every family with traumatised children has a completely different experience. There's no magic solution, no one right way. Love doesn't fix things alone - but you need to talk to lots of people to figure this out. Talk to people in person, not just online.
posted by viggorlijah at 9:20 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


No matter where she lives, a child with FAS is likely to need a lot of help. Disability is a pain to apply for, and the process requires persistence, but get started, because she needs it. Her school should be a resource, but may not be effective, however, they should have some resources, and they should be helping coordinate her educational needs. If there is any kind of support group in her area, that might be a big help. Getting good help for kids with disabilities is not easy, and requires persistence, determination and energy, and probably some fierceness with the many agencies who are poorly administered and underfunded. But it will make all the difference to the child.
posted by theora55 at 8:19 AM on October 30, 2011


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