Boyfriend and parent issues, how to resolve?
October 25, 2011 9:53 PM Subscribe
Boyfriend is scared of my mother. I haven't yet met his. Possible issue? And if so, how to solve?
Been dating fabulous guy for almost six months. He's a great fit for me but has some baggage due to previous relationships---he is is therapy, working on it etc. and so on, but the one that's bothering me right now is that he's scared of my mother. His ex's mother hated him and treated him very badly, so he has become skittish, I think, of ALL mothers. My mom and I are close, but a) she goes South for the winter for almost six months of the year and isn't here and b) she has seen enough nonsense with my older siblings and their relationships that she truly just wants me to be happy with a nice guy who treats me well. His fears that she is judging him on his job or his apartment or whatever petty things he got judged on before are completely unfounded and although he says he is 'fine' with her now, I sense that he remains wary and suspicious.
Meanwhile, I have yet to meet his parents. He had a fight with his brother right after we started going out and has been keeping his distance, plus they were not all that close to begin with. I understand, on an intellectual level, that some adults just aren't that close with their parents. But even so, a part of me is worrying that perhaps I should have met them by now...
So...where to go from here? How can I convince him that his irrational fears about my mother are, well, irrational? And...IS is an issue that I haven't met his yet, or do I just need to accept that his family is not the same as my family and it's okay for all of us not to be super-close?
Been dating fabulous guy for almost six months. He's a great fit for me but has some baggage due to previous relationships---he is is therapy, working on it etc. and so on, but the one that's bothering me right now is that he's scared of my mother. His ex's mother hated him and treated him very badly, so he has become skittish, I think, of ALL mothers. My mom and I are close, but a) she goes South for the winter for almost six months of the year and isn't here and b) she has seen enough nonsense with my older siblings and their relationships that she truly just wants me to be happy with a nice guy who treats me well. His fears that she is judging him on his job or his apartment or whatever petty things he got judged on before are completely unfounded and although he says he is 'fine' with her now, I sense that he remains wary and suspicious.
Meanwhile, I have yet to meet his parents. He had a fight with his brother right after we started going out and has been keeping his distance, plus they were not all that close to begin with. I understand, on an intellectual level, that some adults just aren't that close with their parents. But even so, a part of me is worrying that perhaps I should have met them by now...
So...where to go from here? How can I convince him that his irrational fears about my mother are, well, irrational? And...IS is an issue that I haven't met his yet, or do I just need to accept that his family is not the same as my family and it's okay for all of us not to be super-close?
As far as your mom is concerned it will just take time for him to get to know her. Its definitely a good thing hes in therapy. At least he has a place to talk about his issues. Eventually I think he will get along with your mom as long as she genuinly accepts him. The more you show her how much you care for him the more she will like him. As far as meeting his family goes, if he is not very close with them, dont expect to meet them anytime soon. It has nothing to do with you and you shouldnt feel that hes not serious about you because you havent met his family. And dont push to meet them until hes ready.
posted by ljs30 at 11:13 PM on October 25, 2011
posted by ljs30 at 11:13 PM on October 25, 2011
she has seen enough nonsense with my older siblings and their relationships that she truly just wants me to be happy with a nice guy who treats me well
This does sound a little judgmental - or, rather, at the very least it sounds like your mother wants to make sure your SO doesn't fit into the mold of your siblings' SOs. We know that you don't think he does, but does your mother share your assessment? Has she communicated this to you and/or your boyfriend? Maybe your boyfriend's fears aren't so irrational.
Either way, it's still childish and immature to be scared of her.
posted by dd42 at 11:40 PM on October 25, 2011
This does sound a little judgmental - or, rather, at the very least it sounds like your mother wants to make sure your SO doesn't fit into the mold of your siblings' SOs. We know that you don't think he does, but does your mother share your assessment? Has she communicated this to you and/or your boyfriend? Maybe your boyfriend's fears aren't so irrational.
Either way, it's still childish and immature to be scared of her.
posted by dd42 at 11:40 PM on October 25, 2011
she has seen enough nonsense with my older siblings and their relationships that she truly just wants me to be happy with a nice guy who treats me well.
I got a different take on this as dd42. Your mother sounds like a great mother. You really love your man and vice versa? She'll notice this, she's your mother. You will all be fine.
posted by ouke at 12:29 AM on October 26, 2011
I got a different take on this as dd42. Your mother sounds like a great mother. You really love your man and vice versa? She'll notice this, she's your mother. You will all be fine.
posted by ouke at 12:29 AM on October 26, 2011
Response by poster: Time will help him with your mother. Because of the toxic dynamic of my family I immediately assume all familial interactions involve lots of judgement and manipulation so it can be difficult to adjust to a partner's normal, friendly, family-like family. If he's not close with his own family then your boyfriend's ex's mother probably just confirmed that family is bad news.
I would not take not being introduced to his family personally. In all my relationships I have not even told my parents I was dating someone even as I was attending holidays with my partners' family. I didn't officially tell my parents I'd been dating a boyfriend of three years until after we broke up. It has nothing to do with my partners and everything to do with trying to protect myself from the fam. I have said before on Metafilter, it can be difficult for people with close families to understand what it's like to have a not-close or toxic family. Basically all of those nice, cozy intimate feelings where there is someone who totally understands and supports you are replaced by horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-stabbing ones where all of that closeness is turned into a weapon.
It may not be he doesn't think you're good enough for them, but they're not good enough for you.
posted by Anonymous at 12:49 AM on October 26, 2011
I would not take not being introduced to his family personally. In all my relationships I have not even told my parents I was dating someone even as I was attending holidays with my partners' family. I didn't officially tell my parents I'd been dating a boyfriend of three years until after we broke up. It has nothing to do with my partners and everything to do with trying to protect myself from the fam. I have said before on Metafilter, it can be difficult for people with close families to understand what it's like to have a not-close or toxic family. Basically all of those nice, cozy intimate feelings where there is someone who totally understands and supports you are replaced by horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-stabbing ones where all of that closeness is turned into a weapon.
It may not be he doesn't think you're good enough for them, but they're not good enough for you.
posted by Anonymous at 12:49 AM on October 26, 2011
Some people aren't close with their parents. I think my husband saw my parents about four times total in the years before we were married
posted by crankylex at 3:42 AM on October 26, 2011
posted by crankylex at 3:42 AM on October 26, 2011
You haven't even been dating for six months. I think you can relax a little about not having yet met his parents. As you said, he isn't close with them; it's not like he's going out on family get-togethers all the time and excluding you. If you get to a year and still haven't met them, or it feels like he is hiding your relationship from them, I'd press the issue. But maybe just try to enjoy not having to deal with that aspect of a relationship while it lasts.
If your mom is as great as she sounds he'll be okay with her over time. Only if he spends time with her though and they get to know each other. If he avoids her because he's scared of her, it won't get better. He needs to spend time with her in order to be comfortable with her.
posted by Polychrome at 4:47 AM on October 26, 2011
If your mom is as great as she sounds he'll be okay with her over time. Only if he spends time with her though and they get to know each other. If he avoids her because he's scared of her, it won't get better. He needs to spend time with her in order to be comfortable with her.
posted by Polychrome at 4:47 AM on October 26, 2011
Sweetie, my Mom doesn't have issues with you. But, and this is the important part, I like you a lot, and that's what matters. Mom and I are close, and we talk about the important things in our lives. You're an important person in my life. I won't share anything intimate about our relationship because I have good boundaries. All I care about is that you and my Mom get along okay when we're together, and you guys do that just fine.
I'm close to Mom, so I assume other families are close, too. I'd like to meet your family, when you're up for it, but it's not urgent.
posted by theora55 at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2011
I'm close to Mom, so I assume other families are close, too. I'd like to meet your family, when you're up for it, but it's not urgent.
posted by theora55 at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2011
Basically all of those nice, cozy intimate feelings where there is someone who totally understands and supports you are replaced by horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-stabbing ones where all of that closeness is turned into a weapon.
Would like to second what schroedinger said. I've never told my parents about dating anyone and my mom will likely never meet anyone until I'm married. The reason for this is that my mom used to pick my friends apart in an effort to come to the conclusion that my friends were horrible people and that I had bad judgment. My mom doesn't even know most of my friends now, but she would probably find a way to think the worst of them, and she would tell me about it. Of course I know that she is crazy and I tell myself this, but it is still confusing to hear wacky things about people I care about.
Relationships and dating are confusing enough without the addition of a toxic family to muddy the waters even more.
posted by fromageball at 9:11 AM on October 26, 2011
Would like to second what schroedinger said. I've never told my parents about dating anyone and my mom will likely never meet anyone until I'm married. The reason for this is that my mom used to pick my friends apart in an effort to come to the conclusion that my friends were horrible people and that I had bad judgment. My mom doesn't even know most of my friends now, but she would probably find a way to think the worst of them, and she would tell me about it. Of course I know that she is crazy and I tell myself this, but it is still confusing to hear wacky things about people I care about.
Relationships and dating are confusing enough without the addition of a toxic family to muddy the waters even more.
posted by fromageball at 9:11 AM on October 26, 2011
You could do what I do: every single nice thing he says about your mother, repeat it to her. Every nice thing she says about him, vice versa. Even if it's only "did you see how she looked when you said X? She was really impressed!"
Don't make it sound like a big deal, just mention it happily.
My husband and mother both consider themselves lucky.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:15 AM on October 26, 2011
Don't make it sound like a big deal, just mention it happily.
My husband and mother both consider themselves lucky.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:15 AM on October 26, 2011
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The thing with your mom? I dunno. Maybe time will take care of that. Sounds like he judges himself more harshly than anyone else does. If he had better self-esteem, he wouldn't give a fig about what anyone's mother thought of him. Good thing he is in therapy.
The other problem is mostly yours.
Why are you judging this relationship based on whether or not he introduces you to family he is not close with. Let's say his family dynamic is totally toxic (and it sounds like there is some basis for this considering he's not so well-adjusted as an adult thus far) are you going to push him to be "nice" to people that possibly treat him poorly? Would it be an issue for you if he chooses not to associate with these people? Do you care what they think of you?
---
If he is lovely to you, let his issues with his family remain his. If time and positive experiences don't teach him your mom is feeling good towards him, he may spark in her exactly the bad feelings he is afraid of.
Don't fuel either problem by putting your energies into either issue. Enjoy him if he is great with you.
That is all.
posted by jbenben at 10:16 PM on October 25, 2011 [1 favorite]