October 21, 2011 12:16 PM Subscribe
Is it possible to get over some pretty big sexual chemistry if you really frigin love someone?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Long story short, there is someone who I have known for about 2 years exactly now. We met online. I really adored her, and she me, perhaps more so. She really wants to have kids, I have been on the fence about this for many years. I really like and value and active sex life. When we dated (the first 3 months we knew each other), she was really reticent about sex. She has been using anti depressants at times, and that may or may not have affected her sex drive at the time. It was really, really frustrating.
I broke up with her at the time related to kids and sex, and I know that was really hard for her. For quite a long time I know she was burning a torch for me. We worked hard on being friends, which I think was a lot tougher for her than I realized at the time. I dated some other people. Had exciting sex with them but never really fell in love. In the meantime I realized more and more what an awesome person she is.
We’ve slept together at times in the interim, and things were much, much better, although still a bit frustrating (both are true – amazingly better but still kind of tenuous – she was off the meds at the time). Last year we got back together for a few weeks and things seemed better in general. I moved out of town for a year though, and I think at that point she gave up. As soon as I was gone I began to miss her more than I ever expected to. We both had a really hard time while I was gone. I moved back to town and we have been trying to be friends since I’ve been back and things have been pretty good between us.
She’s been dating someone for the last couple of months. Initially I thought I was ok with that, but at a certain point I lost it, told her I really wanted to work things out with her and hopefully get married. I’ve come around to accepting the idea of having kids and a family. She decided to stick with the guy she was dating…and I can’t really blame her for that, I’ve put her through a lot, and she was very hopeful for this guy.
They broke up (very) recently. I just started dating someone new. The sex…is ok/pretty good. But really, I’m finding myself drawn back to this person who I really love. It’s not like I’ve never been more attracted to someone, or more turned on or whatever. I have, and I accept that. But I really, really love this person. It’s hard to compare anyone else to her, because we get along so well. I guess the most clear way I can say it is that I think I could be locked in a room with her for 24 hours and never be annoyed with her. She’s just a charming person. I’m 36 and never really felt this sort of love and loyalty for anyone before. That said, I’m really concerned about us driving each of us crazy or losing her as a friend if we try things again.
I know that sexual incompatibility is generally considered one of your #1 dealbreakers, but if she were to agree to try to make things work for the both of us, and I was too, I’m just wondering if we could meet somewhere in the middle. I totally get that it is not ideal, but I’m not sure that life provides you with an ideal relationship.