How do I deal with my boyfriend's secret?
October 19, 2011 10:08 AM Subscribe
I have accidentally discovered my boyfriend's secret fetish. He is ashamed and upset. I'm terrified of losing him. Please help me navigate this. (Some details NSFW.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (47 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Some background: my boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We're compatible on many, many levels and I love him to pieces. I've also recently taken a job in his city and have moved in with him while I find my own place.
Yesterday I was using his computer when I came upon a number of pictures saved to his desktop. They were a cam shot of a young teenage girl (about 16-17) and what appeared to be a screenshot of the girl on webcam with a guy, who was masturbating. There was also a text file containing verious biographical details of girls - names, ages, birthdays etc.
When I asked him about it, he became very upset and admitted to me that sometimes he likes to pretend to be young girls on webcam/adult chat sites. He creates fake profiles to talk to guys and masturbates while they're chatting. Apparently he finds it exciting that the guys don't know he's not a girl and that they're getting turned on by him. He always ends the sessions by pretending to be the girls' parent "discovering" the chat. These chats take place maybe once a week, when he's bored and looking for (his words) "a shallow masturbation session".
He was incredibly, deeply distraught that I had found out about this, explaining that he had never wanted anyone to find out. He told me that he considers it to be wrong and shameful. I tried to reassure him that I don't think that it's wrong and that I care for him and will support him always. I am very open-minded about sexual stuff, and so long as he's not hurting anybody I don't consider this to be a deal-breaker. He's still the same person I met and fell in love with, and far be it from me to judge how he choses to get himself off. However, he believes that he has been doing something bad, for which he doesn't deserve forgiveness. He is also upset because I was cheated on in my last relationship and he considers his secret a breach of trust. He can't stand knowing that I know about it.
I love him and I want him to be happy. I feel perfectly fine with him expressing his sexuality however he wants to and would support his decision, even if he wants it to be private from me. But I'm absolutely terrified that if I'm not careful it will drive a wall between us.
AskMe - how do I handle this? Is there a way I can reassure him that his fetish isn't something he should be ashamed of? Or is this something he should come to in his own time? How do I go about discussing this with him as helpfully as possible?