Dating without the bullshit?
October 15, 2011 11:31 AM Subscribe
I enjoy going on dates. I do not enjoy navigating a thicket of doublespeak and bullshit in order to figure out what's next. Is there any way around this?
posted by dekathelon to Human Relations (43 answers total) 29 users marked this as a favorite
Why, oh why, must dating come with so much bullshit?
Background. I'm not all that attractive -- a 5, maybe a 6 on a good day -- so I don't really have many dating options to throw around. I also just moved and only know professional colleagues who are off-limits for not-fucking-up-my-career reasons, so I usually only go on online dates. I mean, I could go to bars, but see the beginning of this paragraph.
The date part's fine. We have conversation over coffee/drinks/dinner/whatever the hell. But then the conversation and night ends, and I turn into a wreck trying to figure out whether they like me or not. Sometimes this turns into me sleeping with the guy just to buy some more time and settle the question of whether he's attracted. This generally doesn't help. Sometimes it turns into texting and not receiving a response, or asking about a second date and receiving obvious, trivially refutable lies in response. I know they're lies, but I don't say anything, so he thinks I'm some dumb slut who's been duped. And no matter what happens, it turns into my trying to microanalyze every word and inflection and gesture, because everything I've read about dating (and experienced in real life) attaches so many hidden meanings to saying, say, "it was fun" or sentences that should be straightforward if everyone would just cool it with the bullshit.
Am I doing something wrong, or is it always like that? Why can't it be acceptable to immediately kill the anxiety for both parties and, at the end of anything, say "not interested," "interested," or "I'll think about it but will make a decision either way and tell you on X day"? In those terms, with no euphemisms? Or is it only acceptable to do things that way if you're more of a catch and can expect plenty of future dates if you fuck the current one up? It's to the point where I feel sick every time I come home because I don't know where I stand, or to where I'll be silent for five minutes because there's no easy way to say things like "You're going to disappear after this, and I'll never see you again. Isn't that right?" or "I really like you and want to see you again. Do you agree?"
Sorry for being so long-winded and beanplatey; you can probably read between the lines and sense that I just got home this morning. I'd Google it, but dating advice you get from Google is on a par with dating advice you get from an ogre; I've read old threads but none quite get at this.