I failed at internet dating.
October 14, 2011 3:30 PM Subscribe
internet dating etiquette filter: reinstating abandoned communications, and dating multiple people at once
posted by geegollygosh to human relations (15 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Okay, so in the beginning of September I moved to a new city. I'm 23, female, not a lot of dating experience. In an effort to meet people, I set up an online dating profile about a month before I moved listing my location as my new city. Got lots of responses, but was really only interested enough in four of the guys to have an ongoing correspondence with them. Exchanged probably around 50 messages with guy A, and then maybe a dozen (but longer) with two other guys, and then a couple with a fourth.
Moved here, met Guy A within the first week I moved, liked him and have been on maybe 7-8 dates with him over the past month. We've never talked about being exclusive. I've had sex with him a few times.
Because I liked guy A, I couldn't get too excited about having a lot of stressful first dates with lots of other people. I basically stopped logging into the site, and because of that dropped communication with the other three guys I'd been emailing... not necessarily intentionally, more like I was saying "well, lets see where things go with guy A now that I've been on a few dates with him" and then all of a sudden it had been three weeks and I wasn't sure what to say if I emailed guys B, C and D.
Now, about six weeks later, I still really like and enjoy being around guy A, but he works full time (and does some side jobs) and goes to school full time, and is in the process of studying for mcats and applying to med school, and I dunno if he genuinely doesn't have time or just doesn't have time for me, but either way I'm only seeing him maybe once a week lately and he's been pretty flaky in the past few weeks, although he still tells me he wants to see me. This past week he's been sick so I'm trying to cut him some slack, but it seems likely that this won't last too much longer and I'm kind of wishing I'd followed through with these other guys.
So... first question is: is reinstating my conversation with these other guys still a feasible option? Would an apologetic message and an invitation to hang out like six weeks after the last message be okay or just kind of an added 'fuck you'? If I did send the messages, what would I say... should I be totally honest about the situation, or just say I was busy? One guy has visited my profile a couple times in the last few weeks, another sent me a followup email. First question part B: if I should just forget about dating these other guys, should I still send a courtesy "sorry for disappearing, this was why, good luck" type email or just leave well enough alone?
Second question: Is it (ethically) okay to start dating another person if you've been dating another guy for five weeks? To either of them? I've never really concurrently dated people before and the whole idea makes me feel a little guilty. If I liked any of these other guys enough to start having sex with them, I'd break things off with Guy A, but for now I'd still like to see where things are going with him.
Third question (and this maybe deserves it's own askme, but I'd still like thoughts): Is it worth trying to pursue a relationship with a guy who is as busy as Guy A? Because I do like him. I just can't really picture how it will ever be anything more than me getting wedged into his schedule somewhere and never really seeing him enough to actually get to know him in any meaningful way. But maybe I'm wrong. He'll be graduating undergrad in December, so things might get better, but I don't know... What are people's experiences with this kind of situation?