How do you manage to attractions to people other than your spouse?
October 11, 2011 1:24 PM Subscribe
In the context of a marriage, how do you manage your continued attraction to other people?
Let me start by saying that I have a healthy, happy 4 year old marriage. Sure, some days it's a drag, but by and large we're an awesome team and very happy together.
However, on some occasions I just get these ridiculous, out of control crushes on people. They come and go like storms, maybe one a year. Usually I just kind of keep my head low, try to avoid the person a bit and wait until it blows by.
This just happened over the weekend- I was working crazy hours at a conference and ran into a coworker whom I kind of hit it off with. It was a whole collection of feelings I thought I'd boxed up and put away when I slipped the ring on- The agony of heartbreak, the does-she-like-me thing, the elevator drop feeling when you catch a glance across the room.
Part of it was being exhuasted beyond reason. Part of it was being away from my wife. Part of it is that, in some part of my brain, my marriage is, in addition to being about love and respect, also about bills and responsibility and stress. And I knew that even if, god forbid, something happened, it'd never last. But there it was: The reanimated angst of my 20-year-old self.
Nothing happened this time, but I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose. So my question is this: How do you manage continued attractions to other people while you're married? The switches seem to flip so quickly and at such random times that short of locking myself indoors, I can't see a way to keep it from happening.
Let me start by saying that I have a healthy, happy 4 year old marriage. Sure, some days it's a drag, but by and large we're an awesome team and very happy together.
However, on some occasions I just get these ridiculous, out of control crushes on people. They come and go like storms, maybe one a year. Usually I just kind of keep my head low, try to avoid the person a bit and wait until it blows by.
This just happened over the weekend- I was working crazy hours at a conference and ran into a coworker whom I kind of hit it off with. It was a whole collection of feelings I thought I'd boxed up and put away when I slipped the ring on- The agony of heartbreak, the does-she-like-me thing, the elevator drop feeling when you catch a glance across the room.
Part of it was being exhuasted beyond reason. Part of it was being away from my wife. Part of it is that, in some part of my brain, my marriage is, in addition to being about love and respect, also about bills and responsibility and stress. And I knew that even if, god forbid, something happened, it'd never last. But there it was: The reanimated angst of my 20-year-old self.
Nothing happened this time, but I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose. So my question is this: How do you manage continued attractions to other people while you're married? The switches seem to flip so quickly and at such random times that short of locking myself indoors, I can't see a way to keep it from happening.
People get crushes. Marriage doesn't end that. It's OK. It's even OK to talk to your spouse about the crushes you have, sometimes. There was a previous AskMe on this subject a while ago, and one answer said sharing these sorts of things with the spouse takes the edge off it, because they could (lovingly) make fun of each other for it.
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:42 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:42 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Bear with me because what I'm going to say is counter intuitive. I've said it before and I believe in it though.
When faced with attraction to another person, tell your spouse.
It is that simple. By telling your spouse, you're being honest about your attractions which are normal and going to happen because you're married. You're not dead. By telling your spouse, you are taking something that might be secretive and putting it out in the open. By putting it out in the open, you and your spouse can address the situation together and you won't be as tempted to do something sneaky. It takes the whole "If she doesn't know then it won't hurt her" aspect out of the equation. Your spouse needs to be able to listen to you without judging you or getting jealous because this is an issue of honesty and trust.
This is advice my husband and I received in pre-marital counseling. We've been married almost 18 years. We both find ourselves attracted to other people and we both say so. I think I've had to tell him way more than he has told me. When either of us says, "Hey, honey, I find so-and-so attractive." The other doesn't get jealous. We'll respond with something like "Well, tell me why you find this person attractive." We then discuss it. It doesn't make the attraction go away but it definitely puts it into context.
posted by onhazier at 1:43 PM on October 11, 2011 [36 favorites]
When faced with attraction to another person, tell your spouse.
It is that simple. By telling your spouse, you're being honest about your attractions which are normal and going to happen because you're married. You're not dead. By telling your spouse, you are taking something that might be secretive and putting it out in the open. By putting it out in the open, you and your spouse can address the situation together and you won't be as tempted to do something sneaky. It takes the whole "If she doesn't know then it won't hurt her" aspect out of the equation. Your spouse needs to be able to listen to you without judging you or getting jealous because this is an issue of honesty and trust.
This is advice my husband and I received in pre-marital counseling. We've been married almost 18 years. We both find ourselves attracted to other people and we both say so. I think I've had to tell him way more than he has told me. When either of us says, "Hey, honey, I find so-and-so attractive." The other doesn't get jealous. We'll respond with something like "Well, tell me why you find this person attractive." We then discuss it. It doesn't make the attraction go away but it definitely puts it into context.
posted by onhazier at 1:43 PM on October 11, 2011 [36 favorites]
In my marriage, we have an open crush policy. Neither of us is particularly jealous in nature anyway, but it makes it a little easier to know if my spouse is crushing on someone, rather than wonder if he is based on telltale signs. And in his case it gives him endless teasing fodder ("Guess who's going to be at the party! YOUR BOYFRIEND!").
In addition, once you've told your partner about your crush (which might as well be a crush on a movie star in most cases, anyway) it puts it into a much less emotionally fraught context. It's not your secret passionate attraction anymore, it's your goofy middle-school-dork-style crush.
On preview, what onhazier said.
posted by padraigin at 1:44 PM on October 11, 2011 [34 favorites]
In addition, once you've told your partner about your crush (which might as well be a crush on a movie star in most cases, anyway) it puts it into a much less emotionally fraught context. It's not your secret passionate attraction anymore, it's your goofy middle-school-dork-style crush.
On preview, what onhazier said.
posted by padraigin at 1:44 PM on October 11, 2011 [34 favorites]
Well, monogamy (both physical and emotional) is a choice. I know a fair amount of guys my age who are executives, and who like to play around, so what you're describing is not unusual. However, their behaviour is likely damaging their families.
The best thing to do is to pay more attention to your partner. Marriage is a marathon - obviously it's a long term commitment with its ups and downs (but fundamentally, all successful marriages contain more positives than negatives).
Why not try courting your partner as you did in the early days of your relationship? This will give you something to keep your mind on when your eyes wander. Ultimately, being engaged with your partner's needs is the best way to manage your attractions.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:45 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
The best thing to do is to pay more attention to your partner. Marriage is a marathon - obviously it's a long term commitment with its ups and downs (but fundamentally, all successful marriages contain more positives than negatives).
Why not try courting your partner as you did in the early days of your relationship? This will give you something to keep your mind on when your eyes wander. Ultimately, being engaged with your partner's needs is the best way to manage your attractions.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:45 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
You're going to be physically attracted to other people.
It's all about your response to that attraction. As human beings, we can control our actions. I know people like to use the "we're just animals" bit when they stray from their marriage, but that's a huge, intellectually dishonest excuse for bad behavior.
It sounds to me like you handled this just fine. You won't be able to avoid situations where you interact with attractive people, but you can control your actions around them and the level of emotional intimacy you share with them.
posted by PsuDab93 at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2011
It's all about your response to that attraction. As human beings, we can control our actions. I know people like to use the "we're just animals" bit when they stray from their marriage, but that's a huge, intellectually dishonest excuse for bad behavior.
It sounds to me like you handled this just fine. You won't be able to avoid situations where you interact with attractive people, but you can control your actions around them and the level of emotional intimacy you share with them.
posted by PsuDab93 at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2011
It was a whole collection of feelings I thought I'd boxed up and put away when I slipped the ring on- The agony of heartbreak, the does-she-like-me thing, the elevator drop feeling when you catch a glance across the room.
I think the only thing you have to do, with all due respect, is seeing the error in that belief. There's nothing magical about marriage, right? The feelings you had before will be the same afterwards. Fidelity doesn't come for free.
Also with all due respect, talk to your SO about this? You don't have to say - "I have/had the biggest crush on my coworker", because that's not particularly helpful. But talk to them about crushes in general and maybe they'll open up about problems that they're having, too.
posted by alex_skazat at 1:49 PM on October 11, 2011
I think the only thing you have to do, with all due respect, is seeing the error in that belief. There's nothing magical about marriage, right? The feelings you had before will be the same afterwards. Fidelity doesn't come for free.
Also with all due respect, talk to your SO about this? You don't have to say - "I have/had the biggest crush on my coworker", because that's not particularly helpful. But talk to them about crushes in general and maybe they'll open up about problems that they're having, too.
posted by alex_skazat at 1:49 PM on October 11, 2011
I agree with EmpressCallipygos and PsuDab93 that it sounds like you handled this one correctly.
Marriage doesn't mean dead. It means that you have made a committment to a single partner (if that is actually how you and your spouse have defined your marriage). Having crushes is part of life. You control your response, and react appropriately and all will be well.
My crushes usually end up as great friends, since I develop crushes mostly due to personality traits rather than physical attractiveness. That way, my spouse and I both end up with a friend out of the deal. Everybody wins!
posted by blurker at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2011
Marriage doesn't mean dead. It means that you have made a committment to a single partner (if that is actually how you and your spouse have defined your marriage). Having crushes is part of life. You control your response, and react appropriately and all will be well.
My crushes usually end up as great friends, since I develop crushes mostly due to personality traits rather than physical attractiveness. That way, my spouse and I both end up with a friend out of the deal. Everybody wins!
posted by blurker at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2011
Here's my previous answer in which I reveal that not only do my husband and I discuss our crushes, but we do so openly and tease each other over it. Not sure if it is the one Jon_Evil referred to.
posted by onhazier at 1:57 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by onhazier at 1:57 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I find two thoughts to be helpful in situations like this:
(1) Sexual attraction to other human beings is a natural biological function. It happens, it's unavoidable. What it isn't is fate, Kismet, "meant to be," or anything particularly special or magical in and of itself. It isn't love. Just because I have a crush on someone doesn't mean anything but that I'm responding to an primal impulse. Acknowledge it, recognize it for what it is, and move on.
(2) If you're in a monogamous, committed relationship, you have a relationship of trust where you have said to each other, "You are my friend. I have your back. I will not humiliate you. You have shown me your most vulnerable side and I will not wound you." Do I want to be the kind of person who would do that, who would betray my best friend for the most mundane of reasons?
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 1:58 PM on October 11, 2011 [62 favorites]
(1) Sexual attraction to other human beings is a natural biological function. It happens, it's unavoidable. What it isn't is fate, Kismet, "meant to be," or anything particularly special or magical in and of itself. It isn't love. Just because I have a crush on someone doesn't mean anything but that I'm responding to an primal impulse. Acknowledge it, recognize it for what it is, and move on.
(2) If you're in a monogamous, committed relationship, you have a relationship of trust where you have said to each other, "You are my friend. I have your back. I will not humiliate you. You have shown me your most vulnerable side and I will not wound you." Do I want to be the kind of person who would do that, who would betray my best friend for the most mundane of reasons?
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 1:58 PM on October 11, 2011 [62 favorites]
You know it's a crush. You said so - being married is about teamwork and awesomeness over the long haul, and you know anything with this person would pale in comparison after the moment passed, and it wouldn't last. Being married is about love and trust and compatibility and intimacy, but feeling crushes is often about newness, mystery, and urges to try to impress someone that usually stem from some level of incompatibility and/or a lack of knowledge. Having moments where someone you don't know well sparks your interest is very very separate from the real-deal full-time relationship with your wife, and shouldn't send either one of you into freak-out mode.
Whether you want to talk to your wife about crushes or not is your call; but you either tell her or you tell nobody... her hearing from you about a harmless crush is one thing, but her hearing from your best friend Jim's wife about some coworker you were talking to Jim about after spending a week away at a conference? that's something else entirely.
posted by aimedwander at 2:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Whether you want to talk to your wife about crushes or not is your call; but you either tell her or you tell nobody... her hearing from you about a harmless crush is one thing, but her hearing from your best friend Jim's wife about some coworker you were talking to Jim about after spending a week away at a conference? that's something else entirely.
posted by aimedwander at 2:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does it help to reframe-- to think that marriage isn't about bills and responsibility and stress, life is? I mean, marriage is work, but if "living in the world" is the source of stress rather than marriage, maybe your normal hormonal reaction to an attractive person won't look like an attractive pressure relief valve as well. Spend time cultivating your marriage and take pleasure in the depth of the relationship, and think about the positive results of your investment in that relationship. There's attraction, and then there's attraction all aglow with the promise of a new, carefree relationship that doesn't exist. I'm sure you know this, but foregrounding it might help.
You sound like you don't take your marriage for granted, so I guess this is just a slight "mindfulness" reframing. Personally, I wouldn't want to know about my partner's specific crushes, nor would I want to tell him about mine. Obviously that works for a lot of people (see above), but to be honest, I have never really felt the tides of "crushing" that strongly unless I was idealizing the potential relationship in some way.
On preview, El Sabor Asiatico's answer is beautiful, flawless, &c.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
You sound like you don't take your marriage for granted, so I guess this is just a slight "mindfulness" reframing. Personally, I wouldn't want to know about my partner's specific crushes, nor would I want to tell him about mine. Obviously that works for a lot of people (see above), but to be honest, I have never really felt the tides of "crushing" that strongly unless I was idealizing the potential relationship in some way.
On preview, El Sabor Asiatico's answer is beautiful, flawless, &c.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Maybe you are different, but I have attractions in a boxed off area away from my deepest inner self. My deepest inner self is for me and my spouse. When attractions come up, it's almost like they are happening outside of me. Well, practically, anyway.
I don't take the attractions personally, nor do I take them seriously. I regard their occasional occurrence as a leftover from another life. "Oh look at that! I bet it would have been fun to date/sleep with/flirt with that person, had I met them way back when! Probably would never have gone anywhere, tho, because that person lacks XYZ thing that Mr. Jbenben has in spades!!"
My internals are totally recalibrated. Attractions never turn into crushes because I've redesigned what feeling attracted to anyone other than my husband means to me.
If you keep giving the occasional admiration you feel for others importance, your marriage is likely to suffer. If you want to avoid the suffering, change yourself inside into a man who is married, capital "M." I know of no other way.
posted by jbenben at 2:05 PM on October 11, 2011 [15 favorites]
I don't take the attractions personally, nor do I take them seriously. I regard their occasional occurrence as a leftover from another life. "Oh look at that! I bet it would have been fun to date/sleep with/flirt with that person, had I met them way back when! Probably would never have gone anywhere, tho, because that person lacks XYZ thing that Mr. Jbenben has in spades!!"
My internals are totally recalibrated. Attractions never turn into crushes because I've redesigned what feeling attracted to anyone other than my husband means to me.
If you keep giving the occasional admiration you feel for others importance, your marriage is likely to suffer. If you want to avoid the suffering, change yourself inside into a man who is married, capital "M." I know of no other way.
posted by jbenben at 2:05 PM on October 11, 2011 [15 favorites]
This is not about the crush. Well, it is, but what it's really about is your special snowflake relationship with your wife. Some couples would never even dream of admitting to a crush, and to do so would be grounds for divorce. Some couples like to watch their spouse have sex with their crush, or even join in.
There's a world of in-between, and somewhere on that spectrum is an agreement that you and your wife can talk about in a not-that-serious way in order for you both to stay comfortable.
Those who say 'marriage is a sacred bond and attraction to someone else should never be spoken of and probably is the beginning of the end' are a little too puritan for my tastes, but of course YMMV.
The wedding ring is not a chastity belt, its an expression of whatever flavor of commitment the two individuals have agreed is mutually beneficial. And even that agreement can fluctuate over time.
tl;dr: talk to your wife, see how she feels and what she wants to know/not know/tell/not tell. I guarantee this happens to her too, and by talking about it, that'll be one less secret and one more bonding moment between you.
posted by softlord at 2:09 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's a world of in-between, and somewhere on that spectrum is an agreement that you and your wife can talk about in a not-that-serious way in order for you both to stay comfortable.
Those who say 'marriage is a sacred bond and attraction to someone else should never be spoken of and probably is the beginning of the end' are a little too puritan for my tastes, but of course YMMV.
The wedding ring is not a chastity belt, its an expression of whatever flavor of commitment the two individuals have agreed is mutually beneficial. And even that agreement can fluctuate over time.
tl;dr: talk to your wife, see how she feels and what she wants to know/not know/tell/not tell. I guarantee this happens to her too, and by talking about it, that'll be one less secret and one more bonding moment between you.
posted by softlord at 2:09 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nothing happened this time, but I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose.
Don't put yourself in a situation where anything could happen. Don't be alone with the person. Don't drink around them. You're not going to accidentally fall into a bed; several things need to happen first, so make sure they don't.
posted by desjardins at 2:11 PM on October 11, 2011 [13 favorites]
Don't put yourself in a situation where anything could happen. Don't be alone with the person. Don't drink around them. You're not going to accidentally fall into a bed; several things need to happen first, so make sure they don't.
posted by desjardins at 2:11 PM on October 11, 2011 [13 favorites]
Nothing happened this time, but I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose.
If this is not hyperbole and you literally are not certain you are capable of controlling your impulses at this level, then you should look at finding some help. That's the sort of thing you want to get a handle on before you end up with jail time or divorce papers.
If you're just shocked because you thought marriage disconnected a subset of your biological urges and it didn't, then you will probably find yourself less shocked in the future now that you know that's not the case. There are other threads for how couples deal with this internally which may be helpful.
Not sleeping with other people is more or less like not stealing things.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:25 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
If this is not hyperbole and you literally are not certain you are capable of controlling your impulses at this level, then you should look at finding some help. That's the sort of thing you want to get a handle on before you end up with jail time or divorce papers.
If you're just shocked because you thought marriage disconnected a subset of your biological urges and it didn't, then you will probably find yourself less shocked in the future now that you know that's not the case. There are other threads for how couples deal with this internally which may be helpful.
Not sleeping with other people is more or less like not stealing things.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:25 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Good advice here. I think another important part of becoming capital-M Married is taking responsibility for your own actions and your reaction to any attractions that may present themselves outside your marriage. Committment means keeping your hands on the wheel and choosing to take full control of who you do or do not get involved with. For me, being committed means less "hoping nothing comes of this attraction to random guy x next time the situation arises" and more "being certain that nothing will happen, because I am married to my best friend and the man that I love, and this guy is not him". You don't have to pretend you don't see people who may be attractive, but choosing to be married means choosing to keep your eyes on the prize--the prize, of course, being your wife, who it sounds like you love very much.
posted by anonnymoose at 2:30 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by anonnymoose at 2:30 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you got a case of the "deal goggles." These goggles come in many forms depending on your situation in life. When I worked at a golf course in high school and saw nothing but dudes all day, and the middle-aged female member (old to me then) came to play her round of golf that day, I think all of my co-workers at one time had a crush on her and constantly flirted with her. Always compare these people to your wife as soon as you start getting those thoughts and you'll realize that, ninety percent of the time, it's just situational attraction you wouldn't consider outside of that situation.
Crushes happen, sure. As to dealing with it with regard to yourself, others have said how careful you have to be around your temporary crushes. We Catholics understand that a temptation is not a sin, but they could lead to sin, so we speak of avoiding the "near occasion of sin," i.e., those situations that put us in the position to sin more easily. With a crush this "near occasion" is, well, everywhere that person is. DON'T drink with them, DON'T go to lunch with them unless in a large group, DON'T even sit by them or give them any attention beyond the requisite amount to do your job successfully. If the crush is the cute barista at your morning coffee place, go to the coffee place across the street. Those crushy feelings may be fun to revel in and roll around in, getting the full emotional exhilaration out of them while they last, but that is so incredibly dangerous. I believe that the workplace, see-the-person-every-day crush is the most dangerous. Be on your guard against these.
As to dealing with it with regard to your wife, some people are saying to tell her, but this depends on her personality. If she's at all the jealous type, sorry, but do not go there. Your mileage here will vary.
tl;dr: (1) crushes happen, (2) avoid them like plague when they do (especially at work!) and (3) only tell your wife if you're absolutely certain of her confidence/non-jealousy.
posted by resurrexit at 2:47 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Crushes happen, sure. As to dealing with it with regard to yourself, others have said how careful you have to be around your temporary crushes. We Catholics understand that a temptation is not a sin, but they could lead to sin, so we speak of avoiding the "near occasion of sin," i.e., those situations that put us in the position to sin more easily. With a crush this "near occasion" is, well, everywhere that person is. DON'T drink with them, DON'T go to lunch with them unless in a large group, DON'T even sit by them or give them any attention beyond the requisite amount to do your job successfully. If the crush is the cute barista at your morning coffee place, go to the coffee place across the street. Those crushy feelings may be fun to revel in and roll around in, getting the full emotional exhilaration out of them while they last, but that is so incredibly dangerous. I believe that the workplace, see-the-person-every-day crush is the most dangerous. Be on your guard against these.
As to dealing with it with regard to your wife, some people are saying to tell her, but this depends on her personality. If she's at all the jealous type, sorry, but do not go there. Your mileage here will vary.
tl;dr: (1) crushes happen, (2) avoid them like plague when they do (especially at work!) and (3) only tell your wife if you're absolutely certain of her confidence/non-jealousy.
posted by resurrexit at 2:47 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another one to say tell your spouse. Getting it out in the open removes the illicit sexiness of your crush, and gives you and your partner something else to bond over/laugh about. I rarely get crushes, but my wife does all the time - and I find it adorable. I'm interested in knowing what she likes in other people, what's her "type" (other than me of course), and the crushes inevitable fade away, while I'm still here. My partner is hard to embarrass, so we tell our friends about her crushes too and everyone gets to tease us lovingly. Crushes happen. They will happen throughout the length of your relationship. Get them out in the open now, laugh about it when you can.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:09 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by arcticwoman at 3:09 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
On the other end of the scale, some of us deal with it by having ethically (consensually) non-monogamous marriages.
posted by gregglind at 5:10 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by gregglind at 5:10 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Manage? Realise we're not meant to be monogamous. It's a relatively modern development that is rarely displayed in any other living species on earth. I'm not saying this is an excuse to be unfaithful, I'm just saying that once you realise that we are not meant to (genetically speaking) be faithful, understanding the reasons why are easier. That allows you to see it as a weakness to be overcome and if you're anything like me, as soon as someone says I can't do something (eg, be faithful), I do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back just to prove a point.
posted by dougrayrankin at 5:10 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by dougrayrankin at 5:10 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
What everyone else said, plus what I just said in a thread a few steps up from here for someone experiencing this for the very first time. Exercise the muscle.
posted by Miko at 6:39 PM on October 11, 2011
posted by Miko at 6:39 PM on October 11, 2011
Maybe I'm crazy-- I mean, I'm not married. So well, write it off if you like. However, if I was married to a guy, and he felt like this, here's what I'd like him to do:
Anytime he felt that 'OMG hormonal energy', I'd like him to drop everything and concentrate 150% or 200% of his attention on me to the exclusion of all things except those necessary to survive at a basic level. Don't sublimate through 'control', sublimate by diverted indulgence. Have wild sex, woo your wife, write her little happy notes, read old happy notes, massage her feet, cook her dinner, plan your next vacation, etc etc. What is your favorite thing to do together? What is your most intense/happiest memory? Remember when she made you lose your mind? What were you doing together then? Recreate it.
Maybe this is impossible, and maybe this is why I'm not married, but I like to imagine that marriage isn't settling, it's learning to fall in love again and again, with the same person. Anyone would get bored, distracted or just itchy, being 'responsible'. The hormones will look for an outlet. Eventually the marriage itself is a habit, a responsibility, an institution. Sure, you can talk the talk about 'best friends' and 'partners', but that is what people have best friends (same gender) and partners (at work) for. Why do you need to be married to these people?
Your brain is on overdrive, trying to find something you feel is missing (romance). Simply resisting and 'being strong' doesn't solve anything, or make your life better, or you happier. You've allowed yourself to believe marriage means no more starry-eyed sparkly feelings, awkward lust in hall closets, sniffing panties like an idiot teenager, running into doors, and so on. I'd start looking funny at octogenarian ex-presidents if I thought that was my lot in life-- Being a Grown-Up Now. So, y'know, fuck that shit. Let yourself fall in love again (with your spouse).
posted by reenka at 7:43 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Anytime he felt that 'OMG hormonal energy', I'd like him to drop everything and concentrate 150% or 200% of his attention on me to the exclusion of all things except those necessary to survive at a basic level. Don't sublimate through 'control', sublimate by diverted indulgence. Have wild sex, woo your wife, write her little happy notes, read old happy notes, massage her feet, cook her dinner, plan your next vacation, etc etc. What is your favorite thing to do together? What is your most intense/happiest memory? Remember when she made you lose your mind? What were you doing together then? Recreate it.
Maybe this is impossible, and maybe this is why I'm not married, but I like to imagine that marriage isn't settling, it's learning to fall in love again and again, with the same person. Anyone would get bored, distracted or just itchy, being 'responsible'. The hormones will look for an outlet. Eventually the marriage itself is a habit, a responsibility, an institution. Sure, you can talk the talk about 'best friends' and 'partners', but that is what people have best friends (same gender) and partners (at work) for. Why do you need to be married to these people?
Your brain is on overdrive, trying to find something you feel is missing (romance). Simply resisting and 'being strong' doesn't solve anything, or make your life better, or you happier. You've allowed yourself to believe marriage means no more starry-eyed sparkly feelings, awkward lust in hall closets, sniffing panties like an idiot teenager, running into doors, and so on. I'd start looking funny at octogenarian ex-presidents if I thought that was my lot in life-- Being a Grown-Up Now. So, y'know, fuck that shit. Let yourself fall in love again (with your spouse).
posted by reenka at 7:43 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
My husband and I walk around and point out hot people (of both genders) to each other and say, "Hey, I got you that."
At least 50 percent of marriage is friendship, and for some reason, this seems to work for us.
Nobody else can be better or worse than anyone else, only different.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:11 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
At least 50 percent of marriage is friendship, and for some reason, this seems to work for us.
Nobody else can be better or worse than anyone else, only different.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:11 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
There are no 'rules' in marriage except the ones you and your partner decide on. 'Open marriage'/'closed marriage'/'open for one but not the other' - whatever, it's up to the two of you. Decide your boundaries. Then keep the trust - never break it. If you ever need to change the rules, discuss it. Be honest. Sometimes love is more important than truth, but never just to get what you want at the expense of your partner. Keep the faith.
My partner had some affairs (I'm not the jealous type), I didn't (she is the jealous type). That was our agreement. It was a great relationship. We're all different, we're all human.
posted by nickji at 9:15 PM on October 11, 2011
My partner had some affairs (I'm not the jealous type), I didn't (she is the jealous type). That was our agreement. It was a great relationship. We're all different, we're all human.
posted by nickji at 9:15 PM on October 11, 2011
Nothing happened this time, but I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose.
You didn't won by default -- the situation had aroused and you had behaved the right way. We don't know the specifics but I'm sure that during your interactions with your crush you had an opportunity to turn it into something more.
If you want to cheat your wife you'll do it regardless of any crushes you might have. If you don't, you won't even with the biggest one.
posted by przepla at 10:30 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You didn't won by default -- the situation had aroused and you had behaved the right way. We don't know the specifics but I'm sure that during your interactions with your crush you had an opportunity to turn it into something more.
If you want to cheat your wife you'll do it regardless of any crushes you might have. If you don't, you won't even with the biggest one.
posted by przepla at 10:30 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I feel like I won by default because I truly can't say what I would have done if the situation arose.
Here's the deal: our culture teaches that you should always control your emotions so you feel good, and if you fail at controlling your emotions and start feeling bad inside, there's no controlling how you act. "I was so angry I couldn't help it" is not a nonsense phrase in our society. But it should be: repressing emotions is impossible in the long run, but repressing actions is a basic skill for grownups.
So yeah, recognize your crushes (to yourself or your wife), and laugh about them, because they're just another ridiculous lovable part of you and that's fine. And think about whether it's important to you to be someone who would act on this kind of crush, or someone who wouldn't. And if it's important to be someone who wouldn't, decide not to, and be a grownup and stick to what you've decided. If it makes you feel bad in the horny moment, that's fine -- suffering to be who you want to be is part of being human.
posted by Honorable John at 11:21 AM on October 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
Here's the deal: our culture teaches that you should always control your emotions so you feel good, and if you fail at controlling your emotions and start feeling bad inside, there's no controlling how you act. "I was so angry I couldn't help it" is not a nonsense phrase in our society. But it should be: repressing emotions is impossible in the long run, but repressing actions is a basic skill for grownups.
So yeah, recognize your crushes (to yourself or your wife), and laugh about them, because they're just another ridiculous lovable part of you and that's fine. And think about whether it's important to you to be someone who would act on this kind of crush, or someone who wouldn't. And if it's important to be someone who wouldn't, decide not to, and be a grownup and stick to what you've decided. If it makes you feel bad in the horny moment, that's fine -- suffering to be who you want to be is part of being human.
posted by Honorable John at 11:21 AM on October 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
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You can't always control the hormones. But you can always control your RESPONSE to your horomones. And even though the opportunity never arose, it sounds like you were also pretty aware of how your own fatigue may have been fueling a lot of this, and how you also knew that it wouldn't go anywhere if you tried anything -- so even though you were admiring the view, you still at the same time knew that it was a bad idea.
That sounds like you're doing okay, actually. You may never be able to stop having fleeting reactions to people-- it's what you do after you have those reactions that matters, and you're laying a good groundwork for being able to always Just Say No even if the invitation arises.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:32 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]