Those better NOT have been the best years of my life!
October 10, 2011 4:30 PM Subscribe
A year after college, I finally have a job and a place to live. And, oh god, now what do I do?!
First off, I know I'm lucky, and if I died today I'd still have had a good life compared to a whole lot of people...
But, oh man. So, yeah, after a year spent frantically looking for work in three different cities I finally, actually have A Job and An Apartment. I was so singularly focused on finding those things that I wasn't actually looking past them at all, and now that I have them, well, I don't know who the hell I am or what the rest of my life is going to look like and I'm terrified.
In college, it was very easy for me to express 'who I was'- I was doing A and B majors which were cool and interesting to other people, I was in C and D clubs that attracted lots of likeminded people for me to be friends with, I had some interesting side hobbies and lived in a party house and was just generally busy doing interesting things. Too busy to REALLY worry about life after college.
Now... so, with the way things are now, I got a job which doesn't really have much to do with my majors or my interests. It's an office admin job, basically. I've had it about six weeks now. I actually enjoy it in some ways, and my boss and coworkers are nice, but it's nothing I want to make a career out of. Meanwhile, in my frantic multi-city search for this (or any) job, I have let most of my old hobbies fall by the wayside. I don't follow blogs about my old majors, I don't make arts and crafts like I used to. I don't really do anything. I haven't even unpacked any of the stuff in my new apartment yet and I've been there a week. I basically come home and fuck around online and go to bed. I have a few friends here in my new city but they're 'hang-out' friends, not like the close friends I used to have in school.
Fuck, what if this is the rest of my life? What If I only THOUGHT I was an interesting person with a bright future? What if my good performance in school didn't actually mean anything and I spend the rest of forever languishing in a crap job and watching TV like my parents did? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to restart my life and make it mean something, I don't know how to make friends, I don't know how to build a career in the utter shambles of this economy when I don't even really know what I'm interested in doing... I think the job search was just a distraction from how totally fucking lost I am, post-college. I'm almost 24, shouldn't I have some sort of direction by now? So many of my friends are teachers and musicians and junior ad execs and just generally People With Paths And Futures and I got nothin. People ask me what I want to do and I'm so ashamed that I have no answer; people ask me what I do for fun and I have to tell them what I USED to do because I haven't done shit lately. Do uninteresting, uninspiring, dull as dirt 24-year-olds ever become anything but older boring people? God damn. I even know I'm a horrible stereotype but I don't know how to fix it.