Don't be such a cry-baby

October 7, 2011 9:08 AM

I cry often, always have, and I don't know if this can be changed.

I think I cry a lot. That's how I often react to feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, misunderstood, forgotten, unfairly treated or criticized, or being denied comfort/empathy. It's a welling-up of irrational emotional thinking that I can't control. But it doesn't last long, and I find that afterwards my ability to deal with the situation rationally is restored.

When I was little, I was bullied and teased a lot (how unique, I know), but often because it was easy to make me cry, and getting that reaction out of me was fun for them. I don't know how much I cried from high school until now, I'm sure there was a lot of drama in high school, none really in university, so I don't think it happened as much. In the past I've dated guys who were pretty good at empathy and making me feel heard. So though I'm pretty sure I still cried a lot then, it's not apparent to me. Shitty work situations are another time I'll cry - overwhelmed with work, being criticized in an abrupt manner for personal faults, etc.

I notice it a lot more nowadays though, with my current boyfriend of 1 year. He hasn't really dated before me, and I've dated a fair bit (dating guys who have also had a number of relationships). So we've had a few misunderstandings where he just doesn't "get it" and I'm struggling to explain it in terms deemed "valid" to him, and failing... and crying... and he shuts down because he doesn't know what to do, it makes no sense. Well I promise this has improved a million fold in recent months, funnily enough the most improvement has been after he's taken some HR-type training for work. So no DTMFA, thx. I'm a steadfast believer that communication is a tool that can be learned.

It visibly bothers him when I cry though. Recently I've been on a regimen of eye drops for eye surgery - makes me look like I'm welling up with tears, and he looks pained to see that. We talked about it, and his mom & sisters rarely cry. For them, it's reserved for exceptional things like mourning, reaching an apex of anger, utter happiness at being reunited after a long absence, etc. So he's not used to seeing a woman cry unless it's *something major* and yet I cry just about all the time.

I need advice on what I can do to try and curb the crying, or work on not getting so worked up, or something. It's embarrassing when it happens at work. And it's counterproductive to getting what I want out of my boyfriend to improve the situation. Telling me to smarten up and stop crying doesn't work, either.

And I don't know if this is so normal, or how to reassure my boyfriend that I'm not dying inside every time this happens.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

You're a person who cries. It sounds from your description of your history of crying that it is unlikely that this characteristic will change anytime soon. Crying is just a reaction -- I don't think it's a good or a bad, it's just how you are. I think you should sit your bf down and explain this to him, and ask him to try to accept this characteristic. (Plus -- the more he reacts to the crying, the more you are going to want to cry.)
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:19 AM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

Getting yourself to stop doing a behavior can be boiled down to exposure and practice. Now, this isn't going to address why you're crying so much. Now, I can't give you any help with the latter, but with the former, what you need to do is find something that you know will make you cry. A book, a movie, an album, whatever. You sit down, alone and comfortable, and expose yourself to this thing, slowly and wait until you start welling up. If you have to stop reading or pause it or whatever, go ahead. Then you fight it. You push it back. You think about everything you have to to make it stop, whether it is happy thoughts or angry thoughts (the latter being the route much less advised.) It's going to be hard going at first, you're fighting something your body says is natural, and, well, it is natural, but, again, we're addressing the behavior here and not the reason.

So, basically, you practice like that, as much as you can. Expose, stop the exposure/fight it, and then continue to expose. Eventually you'll figure out what you have to think about and do to make it stop for just a moment. Then that moment will grow longer. Hopefully, you'll learn to if not completely quell it, to hold it back until you can get somewhere you can cry safely (e.g. at home after work, rather than in the bathroom at work.)

I am not suggesting it is healthy to hold back crying. It's really not. But sometimes you have to, and this is one way to do it.

Also, as a dude raised in a family (and, to an extent, culture) where people Don't Cry unless someone died I am glad you have patience with your boyfriend.
posted by griphus at 9:26 AM on October 7, 2011

Crying seems like a good way to deal with pain to me- you are not taking it out on others. You are releasing the pain that you feel at that moment, and not holding it in for resentment later. Unfortunately our society, or whatever, does not deal well with displays of emotion like that. But I don't think the problem is yours.

Though, I understand that making other people uncomfortable may be a problem. I guess the solution would be to find another method of releasing the pain you feel in that moment- go for a walk, journal, breate, listen to music, etc. Please don't think you need to hold your feelings in to keep others from feeling uncomfortable, though!
posted by bearette at 9:27 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh man, me too. For me, it started up when I started taking HBC, so if you're on the pill, maybe that's affecting it.

What I do when I feel a cry coming on (usually for totally irrational reasons) is warn whoever is in the room with me that I'm about to start crying and it's OK AND NOT THEIR FAULT DON'T WORRY PLEASE CARRY ON AS NORMAL. (Of course, if you are crying with reason, it's probably better to be up front about it.) My boyfriend is so used to it now he'll even joke about it (in a good-natured, "let me go get a bucket for all those tears" way). For me, it works a lot better to just roll with a minute or two of stupid crying than to try to hide it out of embarrassment or whatever (because then my face turns bright red for a long time, and that's worse).
posted by phunniemee at 9:30 AM on October 7, 2011

Ooh, I had a similar situation. I wouldn't actually cry, but I'd be visibly upset and my stoic boyfriend would just shut down. I tried to explain to him during not upset moments that I'm just a sensitive and very expressive person. Tears or pained expressions did not indicate a shattered heart, they mean I was upset in that particular moment and I'd probably be fine again five minutes later.

In that situation, I tried to choose my battles and only cry when I really couldn't help it. If I could talk myself into realizing it really wasn't that bad, I would. But you know, sometimes it's just faster and easier to have a quick cry, laugh at yourself, then move on. I tried to cry less and he got more used to it when I couldn't avoid bursting into tears.
posted by chatongriffes at 9:33 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ugh, I am exactly the same way and it drives my unemotional boyfriend crazy. I almost always start crying when we're having a serious relationship-y talk which is incredibly annoying. The only thing I've found that even partially works is, as soon as I feel the tears coming on, just stop. Walk away, go sit in the bathroom if I have to, don't look at him, just will them to stop and tell myself to calm down. I take big deep breaths and think very, very hard about the words that I'm saying and try to focus on anything besides crying. Sometimes it actually works.

If your crying isn't related to him or relationship talks or anything, and it just bothers him to be in the room and see you crying, just go somewhere else. Sometimes I just really, really need to let some emotion out, and curling up in bed or sitting outside and just experiencing it and letting it go is the only thing that will work.

As far as work situations, I've been there, and it sucks. If you can, as soon as you feel tears coming on, and as soon as you're able to, isolate yourself somewhere (bathroom, go outside for a walk, hide in an empty office, whatever is available) and let yourself cry for a minute or two before calming down and going back to work. It's not foolproof but it's the best I've managed to come up with.

The worst part for me is that I know how ridiculous it looks and I know it's not really a big deal, but other people are always so taken aback by it. I find myself apologizing and trying to assure my boyfriend to please just move along, nothing to see here, no big deal, but I can tell it still really bothers him.

Good luck!
posted by krakenattack at 9:50 AM on October 7, 2011

I too cry at the drop of a hat. This morning I started welling up over Steve Jobs and I've never bought an Apple product in my whole life.

To be honest, I've found that it's easiest to accept it. If it's very inappropriate I need to excuse myself, but my reactions are just as valid as anyone else's.
posted by plonkee at 10:05 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm a crier.
One trick that often helps me regain composure is to (not aloud, but) count backwards from 100, or to recite the alphabet backwards. It doesn't always stop the tears completely, but it does help me to get a grip on it.

p.s. It's alright to cry.
posted by mcbeth at 10:21 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Honestly, it sounds like you are just a crier and that's fine. I was going to come in here to mention that anti-depressants etc can curb crying in some people, but...you don't sound like you have a mood disorder. You handle your moods through crying and move on.

If you are at work, can you just excuse yourself and go to the ladies room or outside the building for a minute? I've done that, just saying "Excuse me, I'm going to step outside for a minute." People know you were crying, usually, but it's less of a big deal because you were proactive about it and didn't sit there, like, bawling while they tried to talk to you about vacation days or something.

If your boyfriend is uncomfortable with you crying (or even with you appearing to cry??), I think that's honestly his problem and not yours. It might be good for him to learn how to be around other people's emotions. Maybe he can just hand you a tissue and then go in another room or something.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:08 AM on October 7, 2011

This question was asked previously and I chimed in this bit, which I will extend to you, my fellow emotional crier:

I cry pretty regularly, and like others say, it's a matter of degrees. I have always been a crier due to stress and emotions and the like, other times it's out of anger and frustration. I think that I come by it naturally because both of my parents are emotional (to the same point that I am), and I've simply inherited it. We describe it as being able to cry "at the drop of a hat". In fact my mom and her two older sisters cry often as well.

Perhaps, like me, you feel the world more than others (I also have a long and complex family history fraught with sadness and grief that does not need to be explained here). There's no set way to be. I have never once been ashamed about crying around those that I love, however I do make a point to not cry around my colleagues just because I don't want to weird them out, plus the fact that they do not know me like my loved ones do. I, too, know your insecurities about crying in front of other people and being called a crybaby growing up. My only defense has ever been, "I simply can't help it." Really, I can't.

In summation, no, you are not abnormal. You are who you are and that's something to be proud of, tears and all.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 11:25 AM on October 7, 2011

I used to have this problem. Although crying is a perfectly constructive way to express emotion on your own time, it can have very weird effects on the people around you, which can be corrosive to work and personal relationships. I was delighted that, when I started taking a small dose of an antidepressant for other reasons, I was suddenly able to feel and express strong emotion without getting all red-faced and teary. It made me much more effective in professional situations. If gaining control over this is important to you, this may be worth a try. I feel much stronger now, knowing that I can carry on a conversation about a difficult subject without dissolving into tears and becoming the focus of pity or scorn.
posted by Corvid at 12:07 PM on October 7, 2011

I am also a crier. I discovered recently that mindfulness can completely stop a bout of tears from coming on. I focus on sensations (mostly touch)- how the chair I'm sitting on feels against me, the feeling of my clothes on my skin, the feeling of the air on my arms, etc. For some people, mindfulness of sound or visualizing a safe place in great detail might work better.
posted by quiet coyote at 3:41 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Do you think you could also try to desensitize your boyfriend? Maybe if he watches a few crying wife videos, for example, it will help him understand that crying is just one way that people react to things - and that might help because it won't be YOU he's watching, so he won't have the emotional connection to the crying woman.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 5:06 PM on October 7, 2011