Help me risk rejection
October 5, 2011 7:54 PM Subscribe
I am currently crushing on a guy (I'm female). We've hung out as friends, and I'm getting mixed signals that he might be interested in more.
We both just got out of relationships within the last 6 mos. or so, and are both still weary of getting back out there. I know I have definitely been holding my feelings back, mostly because I don't know if he's really interested.
The thing is, I've been told by guys before, that they got the vibe I wasn't interested in them when they were interested in me, so they never persued me. I was interested, but was too scared to risk the rejection because I wasn't sure of their feelings. Stupid, I know. I don't want to make the same mistake again, now or ever.
Here's the complication. We're both in temporary jobs. Mine is up next week, and I'll be moving back to the east coast until my position opens up again, probably next April, unless I find another job out west before then. He will be staying on the west coast.
Here are my questions:
Is it stupid to risk rejection and put my true feelings out there? Not in an " oh my god I'm in love with you" sort of way, but in a "we should keep in touch and if we end up in the same place next year, and are still single, lets see what happens" sort of way.
Also, how do I get over my fear of just going for what (who) I want and risking being rejected?
We both just got out of relationships within the last 6 mos. or so, and are both still weary of getting back out there. I know I have definitely been holding my feelings back, mostly because I don't know if he's really interested.
The thing is, I've been told by guys before, that they got the vibe I wasn't interested in them when they were interested in me, so they never persued me. I was interested, but was too scared to risk the rejection because I wasn't sure of their feelings. Stupid, I know. I don't want to make the same mistake again, now or ever.
Here's the complication. We're both in temporary jobs. Mine is up next week, and I'll be moving back to the east coast until my position opens up again, probably next April, unless I find another job out west before then. He will be staying on the west coast.
Here are my questions:
Is it stupid to risk rejection and put my true feelings out there? Not in an " oh my god I'm in love with you" sort of way, but in a "we should keep in touch and if we end up in the same place next year, and are still single, lets see what happens" sort of way.
Also, how do I get over my fear of just going for what (who) I want and risking being rejected?
Best answer: It is not stupid to risk rejection. I regret every time I overthought such a situation and it sucks to live regretting things. Now that I'm used to risking rejection (and getting a lot more happy times) the risk seems trivial, but I'm kind of old. Don't waste any more of your youth.
posted by jet_silver at 8:01 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jet_silver at 8:01 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In answer to your question about how you get over the fear of being rejected when of going for what you want:
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 8:02 PM on October 5, 2011 [22 favorites]
Almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. —Steve JobsThis is one reason that older people, sick people, and people who have recently lost someone tend to be particularly courageous.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 8:02 PM on October 5, 2011 [22 favorites]
It kind of sounds like you have the perfect opportunity to try this out here. You're moving in a week? You won't see him again, unless you do something? Then do it! Ask him out for a coffee/drink and tell him how you feel. If he's not into it, you're moving away! You won't have to see him. If he is, woot!
posted by grapesaresour at 8:04 PM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by grapesaresour at 8:04 PM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I dunno I think about death constantly and I'm still too shy to make moves on girls. In other words, just tell him you're into him. Or kiss him. But BE OBVIOUS. I've had girls I like invite me over to their place to watch a movie and still didn't do anything.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:05 PM on October 5, 2011
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:05 PM on October 5, 2011
My fiancee asked me out. I thought she didn't like me 'cause we knew each other socially, but she wouldn't talk to me.
Later, she told me that she didn't want to wind up in the 'Friend Zone'.
Six months after our first date, she asked me to marry her. Of course I said Yes! She's brilliant, funny, sexy, fun and everything I could want in a life partner.
In other words, GO FOR IT!!
posted by black8 at 8:16 PM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Later, she told me that she didn't want to wind up in the 'Friend Zone'.
Six months after our first date, she asked me to marry her. Of course I said Yes! She's brilliant, funny, sexy, fun and everything I could want in a life partner.
In other words, GO FOR IT!!
posted by black8 at 8:16 PM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
One more quotation that I really liked is the old man made of glass's advice to Amélie:
It's like the Tour de France: You wait a long time and then it goes by fast. So, when the time comes, you have to jump the gates without hesitating.And later:
You don't have glass bones [like me]. You can bang against life. If miss your opportunity, with time your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.posted by esprit de l'escalier at 8:22 PM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: So I'm your usual Nice Guy type, and recently I've gained a bit more confidence. The past week I've told two girls I've long been attracted to that I was attracted to them. They rejected me.
What happened? NOTHING. We're still friends. I feel fine, they feel fine. The worst thing that can happen is that the person says no. That's it. So just ask!
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:26 PM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
What happened? NOTHING. We're still friends. I feel fine, they feel fine. The worst thing that can happen is that the person says no. That's it. So just ask!
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:26 PM on October 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
Normally I'd say go for it, but in this case I'd say why bother, unless you're really up for a long distance relationship, which it doesn't sound like. If you want to keep in touch, keep in touch. If you turn out to both be in the same place and single in a year, ask him out then.
posted by nanojath at 9:51 PM on October 5, 2011
posted by nanojath at 9:51 PM on October 5, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks to all for the great feedback! This seems like common sense, but it helps to hear it. Jet_silver, you are so right about regret. There are opportunities that I've missed due to unfounded fears. That needs to stop. What's the worst that could happen?
posted by random thoughts at 10:11 PM on October 5, 2011
posted by random thoughts at 10:11 PM on October 5, 2011
I'd do it pretty simply, the way you said above, let him know you'd like to keep in touch and if things work out so that you're back in town in a few months and both single maybe see where things go from there. Make sure he understands you're not expecting to dive into a long distance relationship a week before you're likely to move, but maybe chatting and keeping in touch and getting to know each other better will lead somewhere.
Even if he says no, you're leaving soon... Better to know, than spend the next 6 months wondering whether you missed your chance at something amazing.
posted by myShanon at 11:12 PM on October 5, 2011
Even if he says no, you're leaving soon... Better to know, than spend the next 6 months wondering whether you missed your chance at something amazing.
posted by myShanon at 11:12 PM on October 5, 2011
Best answer: Go for it. Regret feels way worse than rejection. Regret is basically a product of rejecting yourself before someone else can do it. And it's way worse to reject yourself than it is to have someone else reject you.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 1:04 AM on October 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Felicity Rilke at 1:04 AM on October 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Regret feels way worse than rejection.
I was in this situation where I thought the guy was maybe into me, and I didn't know if he knew I was into him. I don't regret the fact that I "went for it," but I wasn't prepared for a "no."
So, be prepared for "no," just in case :) But I would definitely try.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:10 AM on October 6, 2011
I was in this situation where I thought the guy was maybe into me, and I didn't know if he knew I was into him. I don't regret the fact that I "went for it," but I wasn't prepared for a "no."
So, be prepared for "no," just in case :) But I would definitely try.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:10 AM on October 6, 2011
I'm in agreement with the others. I was getting mixed signals from a guy I thought was just a friend, but awfully hot... so I asked and he said no. I could have saved myself 6 weeks of wondering and worrying. Once he said no, then we were friends just as before. Getting an answer - even no - is better than always wondering.
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 9:05 AM on October 6, 2011
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 9:05 AM on October 6, 2011
update?
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:52 AM on October 6, 2011
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:52 AM on October 6, 2011
Response by poster: Were having dinner on Monday (have previous plans for the weekend)... we'll see...
posted by random thoughts at 5:59 PM on October 6, 2011
posted by random thoughts at 5:59 PM on October 6, 2011
Response by poster: Well, here's another update. He ditched dinner to go out with another girl. Guess I have my answer.
posted by random thoughts at 6:07 PM on October 10, 2011
posted by random thoughts at 6:07 PM on October 10, 2011
Bummer. I'm sorry to hear that.
posted by superfille at 9:05 PM on October 10, 2011
posted by superfille at 9:05 PM on October 10, 2011
Best answer: Well, that sucks, but now you know. At least you're not in suspense. Take a few weeks off, and then, on to the next!
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 11:17 AM on October 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 11:17 AM on October 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I had a situation not unlike yours recently. I decided to ask him out. I continued to get mixed signals. He did not ask me on a second date or communicate in any reliable way that he might actually be interested in me for reals. I have since moved on. If this is what happens to you, you should move on as well.
posted by Sara C. at 7:57 PM on October 5, 2011 [5 favorites]