How do I return a website after a breakup?
October 5, 2011 9:20 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend and I recently broke up. I made a website for her portfolio. Now what?
I bought a domain name and set up a wordpress backed website on a VPS for my girlfriend's fashion design portfolio. It's been helpful in getting her work. Then we broke up. I'd like to return it to her (like you would a record collection after a breakup), but right now she claims to be too busy to deal with it, although ultimately she'd like to keep it.
As part of moving on, I'd really like to get it off my server. I offered to move it to another host for her where she can maintain it herself, but she begged off saying she had too many things going on to think about it and maybe when her life is less hectic she'll have time to figure it out.
I want to be decent about it, but I don't want this dragging on. If it were a record collection, I could stuff it in a box in the closet and not worry about it. I'd like to ignore it, but It's on one of my servers and I see it in my monitor/dashboard pretty regularly and is a sour reminder I'd rather not have. I feel simply deleting it isn't cool.
Any suggestions on handling this? What other options do I have while she refuses to discuss it further? Archive the site and database and send it to her? Point the domain to her tumblr? Just ignore it and eventually it'll stop bothering me? Thanks!
I bought a domain name and set up a wordpress backed website on a VPS for my girlfriend's fashion design portfolio. It's been helpful in getting her work. Then we broke up. I'd like to return it to her (like you would a record collection after a breakup), but right now she claims to be too busy to deal with it, although ultimately she'd like to keep it.
As part of moving on, I'd really like to get it off my server. I offered to move it to another host for her where she can maintain it herself, but she begged off saying she had too many things going on to think about it and maybe when her life is less hectic she'll have time to figure it out.
I want to be decent about it, but I don't want this dragging on. If it were a record collection, I could stuff it in a box in the closet and not worry about it. I'd like to ignore it, but It's on one of my servers and I see it in my monitor/dashboard pretty regularly and is a sour reminder I'd rather not have. I feel simply deleting it isn't cool.
Any suggestions on handling this? What other options do I have while she refuses to discuss it further? Archive the site and database and send it to her? Point the domain to her tumblr? Just ignore it and eventually it'll stop bothering me? Thanks!
Also, you could send her a polite email, "I know you're going through a difficult time right now. I can no longer maintain this site, so I'm going to shut it down until you decide what you want to do with it."
posted by muddgirl at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, first of all I'd demand that she focus on this now. That you have a life and it's gigantically inconvenient for you to wait on her. If that fails..
Archive the site and database and send it to her?
That's exactly what I would do. Make two backups of it, give her one, delete it off your server. Make it not your problem anymore.
It's up to you about what you want to do with the domain. I'd just let it lapse into 404ville.
posted by royalsong at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [19 favorites]
Archive the site and database and send it to her?
That's exactly what I would do. Make two backups of it, give her one, delete it off your server. Make it not your problem anymore.
It's up to you about what you want to do with the domain. I'd just let it lapse into 404ville.
posted by royalsong at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [19 favorites]
It depends on how nice you want to be. If you want to be super nice, relocate to another service without her input and give her the pertinent details so she can admin it later. If you just want it done, tell her you need the server space for something and will pull it down in 2 weeks (or some other finite amount of time as a deadline).
If it's important to her and you give her a reasonable amount of time, then you shouldn't feel bad about deleting it, assuming she has a backup somewhere.
posted by inturnaround at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
If it's important to her and you give her a reasonable amount of time, then you shouldn't feel bad about deleting it, assuming she has a backup somewhere.
posted by inturnaround at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You offered to help her out by moving it to another host; she deferred. You've done your job in trying to do the right thing, but she's insisting on continuing to inconvenience you. Archive it all, send it to her so she can re-host it herself, and nuke it off your own servers. You have no more obligation to her to keep it hosted yourself.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
RAR it to DVD, post it in the mail to her, nuke the install, problem solved.
posted by anti social order at 9:27 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by anti social order at 9:27 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
As for the site content, absolutely archive it and send to her. Use any means necessary, even if it's to burn the lot to a CD and post it through her letterbox.
As for the domain, who is it being billed to? If it's you, cancel it and let her know it'll be up for renewal. If it's her, email all the relevant passwords if you think she might not know them and leave it at that.
Basically, make sure all of her stuff is within her power and therefore solely her responsibility. If she wants anything more, there's plenty of help out there for this kind of thing; if you don't want to interact further, there's nothing wrong with leaving it to her in this state.
posted by fearnothing at 9:27 AM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
As for the domain, who is it being billed to? If it's you, cancel it and let her know it'll be up for renewal. If it's her, email all the relevant passwords if you think she might not know them and leave it at that.
Basically, make sure all of her stuff is within her power and therefore solely her responsibility. If she wants anything more, there's plenty of help out there for this kind of thing; if you don't want to interact further, there's nothing wrong with leaving it to her in this state.
posted by fearnothing at 9:27 AM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tell her you really cannot maintain it, and you will make a backup for her and take it offline as of one week from today. It's cool to archive and remove it, and it's even ok to do it now, but I think it's nice to warn her you will be doing it on X date so that she can move it now or not, but she's not blindsided when it disappears.
Once you give her a date, don't negotiate, because all that does is keep postponing it. You even offered to move it yourself!
posted by jeather at 9:28 AM on October 5, 2011
Once you give her a date, don't negotiate, because all that does is keep postponing it. You even offered to move it yourself!
posted by jeather at 9:28 AM on October 5, 2011
Ship her an archive and scrub it from your serverspace. Webmastering for exes is not in the sane man's job description.
posted by FatherDagon at 9:30 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by FatherDagon at 9:30 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just archive it, send it to her, and delete the thing. Make sure she has the domain name information so she can take that over. Make sure you don't have the domain automatically renewing.
posted by theichibun at 9:30 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by theichibun at 9:30 AM on October 5, 2011
If you want to be super nice about it and take the high road, I would not archive and backup and delete right away. I know you have tried to help her already, but I would try again. I would give her a long time frame and probably not adhere to it when she misses. I would just ignore it if you can.
I would tell her she has 2 months to find time to deal with this or you will be archiving/backing up and sending it to her. Then, in 2 months when she is frantically calling trying to figure out what she needs to do, help her move it to another host. If she simply ignores or misses the deadline just leave it there for another month, then back it up and ship it as per the suggestions above.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:41 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would tell her she has 2 months to find time to deal with this or you will be archiving/backing up and sending it to her. Then, in 2 months when she is frantically calling trying to figure out what she needs to do, help her move it to another host. If she simply ignores or misses the deadline just leave it there for another month, then back it up and ship it as per the suggestions above.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:41 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you've done your due diligence here. Archive it, send it to her, delete it, and make sure she has access to the domain information. Don't respond to her further (sure to be forthcoming) requests for help with this.
posted by OmieWise at 9:42 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by OmieWise at 9:42 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Alternatively you can just bill her your hourly rate every time you have to deal with it. Then you can put it on your resume too.
But I would archive and send. Send it registered mail with delivery confirmation so you have proof that you sent it to her. Keep a copy for yourself, just in case you need to produce it at some point. If possible transfer the domain to her, otherwise—404.
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:44 AM on October 5, 2011
But I would archive and send. Send it registered mail with delivery confirmation so you have proof that you sent it to her. Keep a copy for yourself, just in case you need to produce it at some point. If possible transfer the domain to her, otherwise—404.
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:44 AM on October 5, 2011
Does she know what steps she'd need to take to get it hosted elsewhere? If she doesn't, she may be so uneasy about what it would entail that she's letting herself keep putting it off. I've found that I do this kind of thing. If she plausibly doesn't know how to get her site hosted elsewhere, maybe send her an email saying "please get your site hosted somewhere else by DATE. The easiest way to do this would be DETAILED RECOMMENDATION, if you haven't decided how to do this. Thanks!"
posted by Frowner at 9:50 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 9:50 AM on October 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
I really suggest you just move it somewhere else, pre-pay for three months of service, and then send her the login details and instructions on how to setup auto billing.
The $20 or so this will cost you is part of the expense of a breakup, settles the matter in a friendly way, and unloads the mental space you are currently devoting to the issue.
Sending a non-technical person a dvd with a rar file etc is just a dick move.
posted by mmdei at 10:01 AM on October 5, 2011 [44 favorites]
The $20 or so this will cost you is part of the expense of a breakup, settles the matter in a friendly way, and unloads the mental space you are currently devoting to the issue.
Sending a non-technical person a dvd with a rar file etc is just a dick move.
posted by mmdei at 10:01 AM on October 5, 2011 [44 favorites]
I agree that you should get it set up on another host for her and send her the login stuff. It won't take more time than shipping her an archive and it'll be a good deed. You don't want her to come back and say she lost work because of you or something.
posted by bleep at 10:04 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by bleep at 10:04 AM on October 5, 2011
Yeah just move it to WhateverCheapHosting.com and pay for three months. Let her deal with it then.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:06 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 10:06 AM on October 5, 2011
I have a different opinion. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here. Assuming there is no real out of pocket marginal cost to hosting it, just ignore the site, forget it is there. The next time you get a bill for the domain forward it to her. She'll ignore it, and the domain will go bye-bye. If you want to be nice you can archive the site, bit I'm not sure how owning a DVD of the site is any better for you mentally than it existing on a web server somewhere.
Just forget about it. She apparently has.
posted by COD at 10:07 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just forget about it. She apparently has.
posted by COD at 10:07 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wow, my ex once did this (the hosting part). I was in the middle of writing up my doctorate when he dumped me, then let me know under no uncertain terms the domain was my problem and I needed to drop everything and deal with it straight away. He basically went from not answering his phone for a week, at which point I was supposed to infer via his friends/blog that I was dumped, to nagging me constantly about his servers. Oh boo hoo. I hope you're not being that guy. You've not elaborated any details of her situation, she may be legitimately busy.
You don't say how long it's been. If it's less than a couple of months, you run the risk of coming off jerky here. I'm sure you're not actually like that. And I'm sure she probably wants to move on too. Try to pin her to a date, say a month from now. If it's more than six months since the split then set the date yourself and let her know.
(On preview, DarlingBri has a good idea.)
posted by Cuppatea at 10:11 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't say how long it's been. If it's less than a couple of months, you run the risk of coming off jerky here. I'm sure you're not actually like that. And I'm sure she probably wants to move on too. Try to pin her to a date, say a month from now. If it's more than six months since the split then set the date yourself and let her know.
(On preview, DarlingBri has a good idea.)
posted by Cuppatea at 10:11 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah you had a big part in creating this situation. Hey, you're a nice guy. But, you know, this is what you get during a breakup. All the nice, lovey dovey shit you did, in your face.
I say, try to be as classy as possible. I know it's probably not that easy. Unfortunately sometimes a loved one can be unappreciative of a thing like a website, or really inexperienced on the technical side. Basically, it'd be really easy for you to take her offline. I'd say, try to handle this with no downtime. Maybe you can contact a friend of hers who is computer savvy and have them deal with the hosting. If she's kind of being a dick to you, I dunno, you don't have to be a dick to other people no matter what. In the long run it will make you rest easier if you don't instigate any more conflict at this point in the relationship.
posted by phaedon at 10:20 AM on October 5, 2011
I say, try to be as classy as possible. I know it's probably not that easy. Unfortunately sometimes a loved one can be unappreciative of a thing like a website, or really inexperienced on the technical side. Basically, it'd be really easy for you to take her offline. I'd say, try to handle this with no downtime. Maybe you can contact a friend of hers who is computer savvy and have them deal with the hosting. If she's kind of being a dick to you, I dunno, you don't have to be a dick to other people no matter what. In the long run it will make you rest easier if you don't instigate any more conflict at this point in the relationship.
posted by phaedon at 10:20 AM on October 5, 2011
I suspect that not only does she not know what to do with her website, but she's also used to someone else dealing with it and would like to keep it that way. It'd be cruel to just shut it down, but you also want to get it out of your hands swiftly, so she won't come to you with hosting questions/favors for the next several months.
I like the idea of moving it to another host for a few months and sending her whatever information she needs, including maybe some for-dummies style instructions on what she needs to do to keep her site up and running, and making it clear that it's completely under her control going forward. If she doesn't take care of it, not your problem.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:21 AM on October 5, 2011
I like the idea of moving it to another host for a few months and sending her whatever information she needs, including maybe some for-dummies style instructions on what she needs to do to keep her site up and running, and making it clear that it's completely under her control going forward. If she doesn't take care of it, not your problem.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:21 AM on October 5, 2011
You have absolutely no obligation here, especially not to ensure that this site remains up. I nth letting her know that the site is coming down in 7 days, sending here the archive, then letting it be her problem. She is not entitled to your server space, nor is she entitled to your technical support.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:22 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:22 AM on October 5, 2011
Does she know what steps she'd need to take to get it hosted elsewhere? If she doesn't, she may be so uneasy about what it would entail that she's letting herself keep putting it off.
Oh, please. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. It's called taking care of business. She is an adult, right?
I say send her a disk of the site files, take it offline, and wipe your hands clean of it. You've done more than your fair share in this matter.
posted by litnerd at 10:22 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, please. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. It's called taking care of business. She is an adult, right?
I say send her a disk of the site files, take it offline, and wipe your hands clean of it. You've done more than your fair share in this matter.
posted by litnerd at 10:22 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I'm with mmdei. Move it somewhere, prepay for a few months, and then email her the login details. If in the next 3 months she can't get her shit together enough to pay for her own website (one that is making her money), that is completely her problem.
posted by deadmessenger at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by deadmessenger at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I like DarlingBri's idea. Especially if I was your ex girlfriend and I was overwhelmed with everything else going on in life and had no idea how to move a website (I honestly don't so I get the procrastination with not wanting to deal with it out of fear). Once you have it moved and you send her all the login info, etc. it's her fault if it expires. It's your choice on how long you want to pay for the hosting, but I'd give it at least a month for sure. If nothing else, it gives her time to find another friend who can help her deal with it.
posted by MultiFaceted at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by MultiFaceted at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2011
I had a similar situation - my mum is part of a committee that runs an online learning course. When my mum was Chair she discovered they were paying a ludicrous amount of money for hosting and website support (and their website was terrible). I offered to redesign their website and host it on my servers for a few months (for free) to assess their usage so I could recommend a new hosting company. The were on my server for over 12 months, there was always some excuse as to why it hadn't been sorted. When the domain renewal notification came through I let them know that their domain was expiring on x date and if they hadn't sorted out new hosting by then, their site would be gone. Unsurprisingly they sorted it out within a couple of weeks. They need the website for their business to keep running and threatening to cut it off was the only thing that motivated them to do something about it.
"Too busy" is unacceptable, if the website is important to her then its important enough to make time to sort out. If its not, then its no problem for it to be offline until she has time to deal with it. Its not like we're talking about a lot of time either. You can have a new hosting account set up in under 10 minutes. She'll need you or someone else to sort out the site installation anyway (assuming you did it because she doesn't know how) so its not like that counts as "her time" anyway.
posted by missmagenta at 10:29 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Too busy" is unacceptable, if the website is important to her then its important enough to make time to sort out. If its not, then its no problem for it to be offline until she has time to deal with it. Its not like we're talking about a lot of time either. You can have a new hosting account set up in under 10 minutes. She'll need you or someone else to sort out the site installation anyway (assuming you did it because she doesn't know how) so its not like that counts as "her time" anyway.
posted by missmagenta at 10:29 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Having once been in precisely the same situation: you put the entire site on a DVD, take it off your server, mail the DVD to her, and give her a reasonable amount of time to transfer the domain name over to her own account.
posted by spitbull at 10:30 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by spitbull at 10:30 AM on October 5, 2011
You have the right to do whatever you want.
If you want to be cool about it, do what you'd want someone to do for your sister. Is this gal techically inept? Then darlingbri's suggestion is perfect.
If you want to get back at her, or if being nice will make you feel taken advantage of, the mailing-an-archive-CD method is the way to go.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:31 AM on October 5, 2011
If you want to be cool about it, do what you'd want someone to do for your sister. Is this gal techically inept? Then darlingbri's suggestion is perfect.
If you want to get back at her, or if being nice will make you feel taken advantage of, the mailing-an-archive-CD method is the way to go.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:31 AM on October 5, 2011
I have registered domains for people and hosted sites and have run across this same kind of issue. I either end up paying for someone else's domain endlessly or after several attempts to transfer them somewhere else I just let them lapse. Each time I act in good faith, send detailed instructions, give lots of notice etc. and then I just let it go. That's all you can really do.
Since it's your girlfriend I like the idea of moving hosting and prepaying for a bit and then sending her all the info, but I also think you are in no way obligated to do that. It's really about how generous you're feeling.
posted by Kimberly at 10:42 AM on October 5, 2011
Since it's your girlfriend I like the idea of moving hosting and prepaying for a bit and then sending her all the info, but I also think you are in no way obligated to do that. It's really about how generous you're feeling.
posted by Kimberly at 10:42 AM on October 5, 2011
I like DarlingBri's suggestion, but some of this stuff she's just going to have to do for herself. She'll need an account with a domain-name registrar so that she can take possession of her domain name. And I wouldn't give my credit-card info to a web-hosting service just to set up a temporary account—that should be hers from day 1.
I would write down a list of things that she needs to do. Offer to take care of the technical end of things once she takes care of the money end. Point out that what she needs to do will take maybe an hour. Give her a deadline. Point out the problems with letting a domain name lapse. Send that to her.
If the deadline passes, then zip up her archive and send it to her on a DVD.
posted by adamrice at 10:47 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would write down a list of things that she needs to do. Offer to take care of the technical end of things once she takes care of the money end. Point out that what she needs to do will take maybe an hour. Give her a deadline. Point out the problems with letting a domain name lapse. Send that to her.
If the deadline passes, then zip up her archive and send it to her on a DVD.
posted by adamrice at 10:47 AM on October 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Follow Darling Bri's suggestion--your karma will be good.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:41 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by BlueHorse at 11:41 AM on October 5, 2011
You know what? One more thought. You should not care more about the fate of her website than she does. Make that clear to her too.
posted by adamrice at 12:30 PM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 12:30 PM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
I really don't agree that the 'zip the archive and send on a DVD' approach is a dick move; it's certainly putting more time and effort into her website than she currently is. It's understandable that she might not feel comfortable setting up or managing her site if she's never done so before, but you are not the only person who could provide her with this assistance - I'm not sure why it's fair for her to keep blowing you off and essentially leaving this responsibility in your lap. Worst-case scenario, perhaps having her website offline for a short while will provide her the impetus to either figure things out on her own or find/hire someone else to help.
Even if you are willing to do more, however, I hope you will at least get her to pay for the new hosting site from the get-go - surely it isn't asking too much to expect that she take that much responsibility for right now, even if she is super-busy or non-technical. As others have suggested, you could point her to a decent web host and even offer to set things up for her once she's paid for it if you're feeling nice ... beyond that, though, she really should be figuring out how she'll manage this without you on a going-forward basis.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Even if you are willing to do more, however, I hope you will at least get her to pay for the new hosting site from the get-go - surely it isn't asking too much to expect that she take that much responsibility for right now, even if she is super-busy or non-technical. As others have suggested, you could point her to a decent web host and even offer to set things up for her once she's paid for it if you're feeling nice ... beyond that, though, she really should be figuring out how she'll manage this without you on a going-forward basis.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
by voicemail, email or text, inform her: GF, I'd like to transfer the domain name to you. It expires on _date_, and if you don't get it transferred and renewed, you will almost certainly lose it. I will keep your site live on my server until November 1 of this year. If you are unable to make plans by then, I'll make an archive for you, and shut it down.
You've been a model ex-bf.
posted by theora55 at 2:58 PM on October 5, 2011
You've been a model ex-bf.
posted by theora55 at 2:58 PM on October 5, 2011
Who broke up with whom? I think this makes a difference. If she dumped you, I agree with the people saying she's not being decent about this and it's not your problem. If you dumped her, she may be dealing with a lot and you should just host it for a while and ignore because she's understandably not ready to deal with it at this moment.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:51 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 5:51 PM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you dump it on nearlyfreespeech.net you could prepay and delete your card details. Unless she does huge amounts of traffic $20 will see her through till she gets its sorted (including domain renewal). If she doesn't they will close it automatically when the money runs out.
posted by tallus at 12:31 AM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tallus at 12:31 AM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by muddgirl at 9:23 AM on October 5, 2011 [12 favorites]