god I hate dating.
October 5, 2011 7:05 AM Subscribe
A kind of inane dating question about whether I got blatantly blown off by a guy or whether I'm completely overreacting.
posted by anonymous to human relations (43 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
So, this is a pretty ridiculous dating question, but I recently moved cross country and don't really have any friends yet that I'm close enough to to bounce this one off (I mean, without calling my friends a thousand miles away to tell them tales of texts not returned, which is a little embarrassing.)
So I've been dating a guy (okcupid) for about a month. Get together a couple times a week, he generally texts me every day. He's nice to be around, I feel comfortable around him, we get along and all. I'm not absolutely swept off my feet or anything, but I like him. He appears to like me, says nice things about me, keeps making plans for different things he's going to show me since I just moved here, asked me if I wanted to go out with his friends sometime and meet them. etc etc. I'm 23, he's a few years older.
Last weekend he asked me if I'd want to hang out the next weekend sometime in the morning before he went to work, and I said sure (we haven't so far because he works 12 hr shifts weekend nights and as far as I can tell he pretty much sleeps the rest of the time. which is understandable.) We go out on wednesday, he drops me off and says 'see you this weekend.' Friday night he texts some 'how are you' type message, I reply and then ask if he's still down to get together over the weekend. He says 'yes, what about sunday?' I text back and say 'Sunday's good, I might go volunteer at this festival sunday but it's flexible if/when I do so what time were you thinking?' and hear nothing from him the rest of the weekend. I figure I already brought it up once, ball in his court, so I don't text him again.
Sunday night I finally send him a text asking about how his weekend went. Get nothing back. Take it as confirmation that the guy dumped me, spend the rest of the night moping. Today I had a really crazy day involving taking someone to the hospital among other things, which sort of pushed the moping out of my mind and I'd basically gotten all of my moping out of my system when he texts me this evening. And tells me lots of mundane details about his weekend, ostensibly in response to the text i sent 24 hrs before.
So... geez. I had just assumed that I was intentionally blown off, and went through being pissed off and hurt, but from the tone of the text, I'm assuming he doesn't see it that way. now I don't know. I mean, we didn't actually make plans, he didn't stand me up or anything, but still... So, the first question is, from an outside perspective, where is the happy medium between not overreacting and not being a doormat here? I didn't reply to the text, I was out with friends and just decided I wasn't up to thinking about it tonight.
And, in a larger sense, two days not hearing from someone shouldn't make me assume that I've been dumped, and probably shouldn't piss me off as much as it did in this case. On the other hand, I've let people I was dating treat me pretty badly, so I'm worried that I could go too far the other way. So... how can I figure out what a reasonable expectation of someone I'm dating is without querying askmefi? And how can I be less insecure in dating? Are these things that will come with experience?
*a note on texting-- I know that a lot of people are going to tell me that texting isn't a great way to communicate, and I know that it's not and all of this would have been way clearer if we just talked on the phone. But we work totally opposite schedules and one or the other of us is at work literally 80% of the time between 8am-12am. So nearly all of this text sending is happening when one of us is working and couldn't have taken a call.
(anon because my metafilter sn is the same as my okcupid sn and I don't really want anyone to pull up my dating hand-wringing if they were to google me)