Don't stop! No really, don't!!!!
October 4, 2011 8:34 PM Subscribe
What's going on when a guy slows down, way down, in the middle of sex?
Clearly I need to have a chat with my partner about this and will do so but prior to that, I was hoping to get a little insight. Partner is male; I'm female. We've been together 5 years and are both in our 40s. Our sex life is good. We have sex about once a week and I almost always orgasm easily from PIV sex. Lately though, he's started doing this thing where in the middle of intercourse, after a few minutes of vigorous, pleasurable thrusting he just goes all the way in and stops sometimes for a 10-15 seconds but definitely slows down a lot. It ruins the momentum for me and I have a hard time getting back on the orgasm train.
Last night I really tried to keep things going when he did this and was moving up against him to keep myself "on course" and he actually asked me to "slow down" so I just sort of stopped and waited for him but then he came (too soon?) and it all just sort of fell apart. It didn't seem great for him and it definitely wasn't for me.
After 5 years of good, orgasm-y fun, I'm finding myself unsatisfied and frustrated at the end of each encounter. I will talk to him about this but I'm also figuring he might be embarrassed so I want to be careful about how I proceed.
Clearly I need to have a chat with my partner about this and will do so but prior to that, I was hoping to get a little insight. Partner is male; I'm female. We've been together 5 years and are both in our 40s. Our sex life is good. We have sex about once a week and I almost always orgasm easily from PIV sex. Lately though, he's started doing this thing where in the middle of intercourse, after a few minutes of vigorous, pleasurable thrusting he just goes all the way in and stops sometimes for a 10-15 seconds but definitely slows down a lot. It ruins the momentum for me and I have a hard time getting back on the orgasm train.
Last night I really tried to keep things going when he did this and was moving up against him to keep myself "on course" and he actually asked me to "slow down" so I just sort of stopped and waited for him but then he came (too soon?) and it all just sort of fell apart. It didn't seem great for him and it definitely wasn't for me.
After 5 years of good, orgasm-y fun, I'm finding myself unsatisfied and frustrated at the end of each encounter. I will talk to him about this but I'm also figuring he might be embarrassed so I want to be careful about how I proceed.
age and lack of exercise? Sex is hard work. Trying to stave off orgasm?
posted by Jacen at 8:38 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 8:38 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sounds like premature ejaculation. Obviously. He's trying to stop himself from climaxing. Perhaps he needs to see a doctor. You certainly need to reassure him of your interest and help him through this period. Guaranteed he is mortified.
posted by taff at 8:38 PM on October 4, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by taff at 8:38 PM on October 4, 2011 [14 favorites]
He's likely trying to chill out and not come. He was trying not to, you continued the movement, and thus he came while I'm guessing he didn't want to yet.
Perhaps you could fill in with clitoral action while he momentarily retreats?
posted by rachaelfaith at 8:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Perhaps you could fill in with clitoral action while he momentarily retreats?
posted by rachaelfaith at 8:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
He was thinking about baseball. So to speak.
posted by The Deej at 8:41 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by The Deej at 8:41 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sounds like he doesnt want to orgasm at that point so he's asking you to slow down. If you would rather him just orgasm instead of stopping, I'm sure you could tell him that, but he's likely trying to be considerate. Is there some kind of foreplay that would get you caught up with him? Do that, or be patient. Some dudes will just go and not care about their partner's orgasm!
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:44 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:44 PM on October 4, 2011
Gonna guess he is trying to make himself last longer. You could try talking about it with him, just don't try to talk about it during or right after sex. Or probably not right before either.
posted by token-ring at 8:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by token-ring at 8:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I get that he's trying to prolong things - but I'm not sure why. I'm ready to orgasm, he's ready. Why stop? Sure, sex feels good and doing it longer (maybe) feels better but it's ruining my orgasm and clearly not doing much for his.
posted by Mrs Roy G Biv at 8:56 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by Mrs Roy G Biv at 8:56 PM on October 4, 2011
Does he know that you're ready to orgasm and that slowing down is ruining it? If you haven't told him that, there's really no way he could know, and he probably thinks he's being helpful. In other words, like you said in your original question, you need to talk with him about what's going on.
posted by decathecting at 8:58 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 8:58 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Because in our culture people really oversell how long sex is supposed to last, and they act like a man who doesn't spend an hour pounding a woman half to death EVERY TIME is a selfish wimp.
posted by hermitosis at 8:59 PM on October 4, 2011 [29 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 8:59 PM on October 4, 2011 [29 favorites]
he actually asked me to "slow down" so I just sort of stopped and waited for him but then he came (too soon?)
People change over time. Particularly when it comes to sex people can change for all sorts of mysterious reasons. So, while the intense thrusting might have worked in the past for him it could just be too much now and he is trying not to come so he can get you off (though you need to verify this, as you will in the mentioned conversation to come.)
If that is the case you might try some numbing lube on the inside of a condom (so as not to get it on your bits).
It can also be a case of communicating. Does he know you are ready to come? He may be holding off for you and not sure you are ready.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:01 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
People change over time. Particularly when it comes to sex people can change for all sorts of mysterious reasons. So, while the intense thrusting might have worked in the past for him it could just be too much now and he is trying not to come so he can get you off (though you need to verify this, as you will in the mentioned conversation to come.)
If that is the case you might try some numbing lube on the inside of a condom (so as not to get it on your bits).
It can also be a case of communicating. Does he know you are ready to come? He may be holding off for you and not sure you are ready.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:01 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does he know you're ready to orgasm? Perhaps he thinks you're still a minute or two away, so if he doesn't slow down then he'll come too soon?
posted by twirlypen at 9:13 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by twirlypen at 9:13 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, sounds like he's trying to "get you there" as well and he isn't aware that you're ready.
This is what we call a "nice guy," btw.
posted by bardic at 9:29 PM on October 4, 2011 [13 favorites]
This is what we call a "nice guy," btw.
posted by bardic at 9:29 PM on October 4, 2011 [13 favorites]
My boyfriend does this too, and I have the same response: immediate shutdown of sexytime for my body, grumpiness on my end ensues. I've decided that if the sex has been fun and I'm not anywhere near getting off but he's ready enough that he needs to slow down, it's time to let him get off and then make good on cuddling. YMMV.
Certain positions allow my BF to last longer. Missionary is boring for both of us, so that can go on for a while until his arms get tired and I get bored. Him behind me? Instant orgasm for him, pain for me, so that's a special treat. Me on top of him in a chair? Yaaaaaayyyyy for both. Explore! YMMV!
This is definitely a, "Hey, don't slow down, let's just keep going, hurry hurry hurry!" moment where you dig your heels into his ass and grind up against him so he gets the message. Or you can be direct. Again, YMMV.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:49 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Certain positions allow my BF to last longer. Missionary is boring for both of us, so that can go on for a while until his arms get tired and I get bored. Him behind me? Instant orgasm for him, pain for me, so that's a special treat. Me on top of him in a chair? Yaaaaaayyyyy for both. Explore! YMMV!
This is definitely a, "Hey, don't slow down, let's just keep going, hurry hurry hurry!" moment where you dig your heels into his ass and grind up against him so he gets the message. Or you can be direct. Again, YMMV.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:49 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
He's trying to prolong the good time. Could be because he wants you to get closer to orgasm or because he's having such a good time he doesn't want it to end yet. There are things worse than a guy who enjoys the process of sex as much as the ending.
Whatever the case, there is a 99.9% probability he has no idea that this pisses you off and frustrates you, so you definitely need to communicate that you prefer it when he doesn't do this.
posted by Anonymous at 9:57 PM on October 4, 2011
Whatever the case, there is a 99.9% probability he has no idea that this pisses you off and frustrates you, so you definitely need to communicate that you prefer it when he doesn't do this.
posted by Anonymous at 9:57 PM on October 4, 2011
Sure, sex feels good and doing it longer (maybe) feels better but...
Ohhhhh, you should not assume that you're on the same page about this!
posted by rhizome at 10:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ohhhhh, you should not assume that you're on the same page about this!
posted by rhizome at 10:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
he just goes all the way in and stops sometimes for a 10-15 seconds
Maybe he read something online or heard something from a friend? I love it when my boyfriend does that. If you don't like it, you're going to have to tell him.
posted by missmagenta at 1:18 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe he read something online or heard something from a friend? I love it when my boyfriend does that. If you don't like it, you're going to have to tell him.
posted by missmagenta at 1:18 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm with bardic and twirlypen on this one and I think it's probably a clarity of communication issue rather than Some Big Thing.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:08 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 2:08 AM on October 5, 2011
Perhaps doing this feels right to him? He might actually like the sensations. You really need to talk.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:23 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:23 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You need to be telling him these things, not us.
Like everyone has said, he's doing this to avoid coming. Everyone is different, but for me how long it takes to get to the point of needing to either slow down or finish depends on all kinds of things, some of them out of my control and some not, like how rested I am, how much foreplay there was, how wet she is, what position we are in, etc. So for whatever reason, he might be hitting that point sooner than he used to and is trying to keep things going a bit longer.
And this is why you need to be talking with him -- the overwhelming message out there to dudes is "last longer!" but in reality not all women want that. I mean, I know some guys who brag about how they can pound away for an hour, no problem, but if I tried that at home my wife would be walking bow-legged for a week and I'd be in the doghouse. Additionally, it's often not very easy to tell how close a woman is to orgasm (or perhaps men, too, I wouldn't know), so he may not have any idea where your orgasm train has even left the station, much less almost arriving.
tl;dr: Communication is fun and sexy. Do more of it.
posted by Forktine at 5:34 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Like everyone has said, he's doing this to avoid coming. Everyone is different, but for me how long it takes to get to the point of needing to either slow down or finish depends on all kinds of things, some of them out of my control and some not, like how rested I am, how much foreplay there was, how wet she is, what position we are in, etc. So for whatever reason, he might be hitting that point sooner than he used to and is trying to keep things going a bit longer.
And this is why you need to be talking with him -- the overwhelming message out there to dudes is "last longer!" but in reality not all women want that. I mean, I know some guys who brag about how they can pound away for an hour, no problem, but if I tried that at home my wife would be walking bow-legged for a week and I'd be in the doghouse. Additionally, it's often not very easy to tell how close a woman is to orgasm (or perhaps men, too, I wouldn't know), so he may not have any idea where your orgasm train has even left the station, much less almost arriving.
tl;dr: Communication is fun and sexy. Do more of it.
posted by Forktine at 5:34 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I bet he read/heard something that made him feel he was doing something wrong, or that he should try something new.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:42 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by DoubleLune at 5:42 AM on October 5, 2011
Maybe he's trying to have a second orgasm...but yeah, ask.
posted by atomicmedia at 6:57 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by atomicmedia at 6:57 AM on October 5, 2011
Mod note: folks, OP has said "Clearly I need to have a chat with my partner about this"
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:45 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:45 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nthing that it sounds like he's finding it harder to control himself lately. If you start moving around to maintain the momentum, that's likely to put him over the edge. After orgasm, lots of men... a) start losing erection b) find it very uncomfortable to continue thrusting c) lose their rhythm d) can't regain the same sense of urgency. Don't expect that he can just keep banging away until you come. It easy for a guy to delevop anxiety around this sort of thing, so keep the discussion light. Good luck!
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:17 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:17 AM on October 5, 2011
I'm wondering if coming too soon is a red herring and the real issue may be that he's feeling winded and needs a break. Getting older? Lack of exercise? Undiagnosed illness?
posted by Skwirl at 11:33 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by Skwirl at 11:33 AM on October 5, 2011
In this case, he's trying not to come. But frankly, thrusting for a long time gets pretty boring (for me, at least) and it has nothing to do with being out of shape. If I go at it for 10 minutes non-stop, the chances of me EVER coming is about zero without the occasional pause to get some feeling back. Usually this is position-change time, but not always.
Either way, you're asking the wrong people.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:04 PM on October 5, 2011
Either way, you're asking the wrong people.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:04 PM on October 5, 2011
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posted by rhizome at 8:37 PM on October 4, 2011