How can I become aware of my unconscious behaviour patterns?
September 28, 2011 9:05 AM Subscribe
It has been suggested to me that I exhibit unconscious behaviour patterns which are giving people I interact with a different message to the one I would prefer. How can I become aware of these unconscious behaviour patterns?
I am 46, single, socially awkward, shy, suffer from low self esteem and low level depression. I am aware to an extent of how I come across, in body language etc, and try to fight against it, but it is a constant source of frustration and unhappiness.
The suggestion of unconscious behaviour patterns seems particularly frustrating as without knowing what I do, how can I change it? No further information will be coming from the source of this suggestion, so what can I try? I don't have much in the way of friends or family to talk to about this.
I am 46, single, socially awkward, shy, suffer from low self esteem and low level depression. I am aware to an extent of how I come across, in body language etc, and try to fight against it, but it is a constant source of frustration and unhappiness.
The suggestion of unconscious behaviour patterns seems particularly frustrating as without knowing what I do, how can I change it? No further information will be coming from the source of this suggestion, so what can I try? I don't have much in the way of friends or family to talk to about this.
More detail will make it easier to give more specific suggestions, but here are a few general ones:
- Videotape yourself, maybe doing something like reading lines out of a play, and then watch it. You will probably see yourself doing stuff that you can then think about - for example, I tend to give this little half-shrug that apparently comes off as totally dismissive, but I don't even notice I'm doing it unless someone calls me on it.
- See if you can find a self-defense class, specifically one that covers more verbal and situational stuff (rather than purely physical/combative stuff.) I've taken a few, and not only is it really useful to do partner exercises to see how certain postures make other people feel, I find it super helpful to learn the psychology behind it - it makes it easier to apply that sort of thing in a systematic way. This is not just for not-getting-mugged stuff - if you're coming across as aggressive and hostile when you don't mean to be, a class like this will talk about that vs submissive postures vs a more neutral posture - and also what to look for in other people to see how they're reacting to you in time to make adjustments.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:17 AM on September 28, 2011
- Videotape yourself, maybe doing something like reading lines out of a play, and then watch it. You will probably see yourself doing stuff that you can then think about - for example, I tend to give this little half-shrug that apparently comes off as totally dismissive, but I don't even notice I'm doing it unless someone calls me on it.
- See if you can find a self-defense class, specifically one that covers more verbal and situational stuff (rather than purely physical/combative stuff.) I've taken a few, and not only is it really useful to do partner exercises to see how certain postures make other people feel, I find it super helpful to learn the psychology behind it - it makes it easier to apply that sort of thing in a systematic way. This is not just for not-getting-mugged stuff - if you're coming across as aggressive and hostile when you don't mean to be, a class like this will talk about that vs submissive postures vs a more neutral posture - and also what to look for in other people to see how they're reacting to you in time to make adjustments.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:17 AM on September 28, 2011
Yeah, specifics are going to be helpful here. Your question right now is kind of like, "I made this one soup and someone told me it came out tasting like a different kind of soup. How can I make my soup taste more like the kind of soup I wanted to make?"
If I had to give you some general advice, I would say, I'm a big advocate of faking it. Visualize somebody who has social skills, confidence, warmth, the ability to put people at ease, and just do your damndest to pretend to be that guy. Pick, like, a celebrity or a fictional character with those qualities and keep an image of that person in your mind. Tell yourself that you genuinely like the people you're interacting with, even if you don't or you're not sure. Just try it for some miniature social interactions, like with your bank teller or when you're asking for directions, and see how it feels.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:21 AM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If I had to give you some general advice, I would say, I'm a big advocate of faking it. Visualize somebody who has social skills, confidence, warmth, the ability to put people at ease, and just do your damndest to pretend to be that guy. Pick, like, a celebrity or a fictional character with those qualities and keep an image of that person in your mind. Tell yourself that you genuinely like the people you're interacting with, even if you don't or you're not sure. Just try it for some miniature social interactions, like with your bank teller or when you're asking for directions, and see how it feels.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:21 AM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
The unconscious messages you are sending probably accurately reflect what you are feeling deep down. For example, if you are bored but feigning interest badly, the unconscious message is actually the true one. So while you could learn to fake it better, it's probably best to practice being aware of what you're feeling deep down and then dealing with it instead of letting it come out unconsciously.
Both therapy and mindfulness exercises, especially body-mindfulness stuff like yoga, can teach you to become more "in touch with your feelings."
posted by callmejay at 9:26 AM on September 28, 2011
Both therapy and mindfulness exercises, especially body-mindfulness stuff like yoga, can teach you to become more "in touch with your feelings."
posted by callmejay at 9:26 AM on September 28, 2011
I am not at all sure what an "unconscious behaviour pattern" is. There is a logical contradiction there--"unconscious" and "behavio(u)r" pattern do not go together. A behavior pattern is an observable/empirical state and is not unconscious. Who ever suggested this might have been suggesting an unconscious reason for the behavior pattern, but that is pure speculation, or that you are unaware of certain behaviors. As already noted--some more specifics would be helpful. Videotaping yourself in a variety of solo and social settings can be quite useful in identifying behaviors of which you are unaware. Hope you can post a bit more information or get some help from these posts
posted by rmhsinc at 10:33 AM on September 28, 2011
posted by rmhsinc at 10:33 AM on September 28, 2011
Perhaps easier than videotaping yourself is recording yourself when on the phone. It need not include both sides of the call, but of course it's helpful to hear what they said as well as how you respond, or vice versa.
posted by jgirl at 10:43 AM on September 28, 2011
posted by jgirl at 10:43 AM on September 28, 2011
I don't mean to be facetious, but is one of the unconscious behavior patterns that you don't give the people you're talking to enough information to know what you're talking about? This really could mean just about anything - please provide a concrete example or two -
posted by facetious at 11:20 AM on September 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by facetious at 11:20 AM on September 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
BTW, I would disagree with the poster who suggested your behavior probably reflects how you feel down deep. This may be true but I would guess it is just as likely that it does not--aggression can be masked by being overly solicitous/obsequious, fear by aggression, shyness by making proclamations and talking excessively, low self-esteem by over confidence, self confidence by being quiet, etc. I think some of the most frequent miscues resulting from low self-esteem/depression are violations of social space, not listening to answers, talking to much out of nervousness, eyes wandering (lack of reasonable eye contact), asking inappropriate/invasive questions, talking excessively about self, correcting minor "mistakes" by the other party, sexually inappropriate questions/answers/innuendos, excessive drinking and the list goes on.
posted by rmhsinc at 12:49 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by rmhsinc at 12:49 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think the question is clear. OP wants to know how to sense when there is awkwardness, diagnose the source, and modify behavior to suit it.
Some possible ideas alongside recording yourself....
Ask. Rather than ask in the situation. I would ask a friend for general feedback. I once asked my friend "If I could improve one thing about myself in terms of the way I interact with others, what would it be?" He gave me a good answer, I thanked him, and a few months later thanked him again after practicing and noticing better interactions.
Assume that you will be clearly understood and that your company is wanted. When you start to doubt those things in the moment, awkwardness may increase.
like Milk White Peacock says, find a role model. Celebrity or real life.
I'd love to hear more suggestions.
posted by jander03 at 1:47 PM on September 28, 2011
Some possible ideas alongside recording yourself....
Ask. Rather than ask in the situation. I would ask a friend for general feedback. I once asked my friend "If I could improve one thing about myself in terms of the way I interact with others, what would it be?" He gave me a good answer, I thanked him, and a few months later thanked him again after practicing and noticing better interactions.
Assume that you will be clearly understood and that your company is wanted. When you start to doubt those things in the moment, awkwardness may increase.
like Milk White Peacock says, find a role model. Celebrity or real life.
I'd love to hear more suggestions.
posted by jander03 at 1:47 PM on September 28, 2011
I kinda understand where you're coming from. I still believe I'm socially awkward and to this day take my cues from people around me. So, I'll mimic what they do (while still being me). But please don't beat yourself up. Us social anxious people do that A LOT. Truth. No one is thinking about us like that. I find joining a support group for social anxiety is helping me heal and get over myself.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:58 PM on September 28, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:58 PM on September 28, 2011
Group therapy (with a decent therapist) can be really helpful for stuff like this. You can ask people straight out, "Am I annoying you?" or similar questions. I never knew (until I did group therapy) that my introversion was coming across as arrogance. That was a real eye-opener.
Many therapists who do individual therapy also have groups. In some cases you do both individual and group; in other cases, you can do just the group.
posted by tuesdayschild at 3:11 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Many therapists who do individual therapy also have groups. In some cases you do both individual and group; in other cases, you can do just the group.
posted by tuesdayschild at 3:11 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Take some acting classes. It's fun and will force you to align your intention and expression. You will learn to emote with more accuracy.
posted by abirdinthehand at 6:25 PM on September 28, 2011
posted by abirdinthehand at 6:25 PM on September 28, 2011
I agree with restless_nomad about videotaping yourself.
Way over 50% of communication is non-verbal: tone of voice, eye contact, posture, body language (they call it that for good reason). It can be very confusing and often off-putting when the words say one thing but the non-verbal signals say something else. What I have observed is that the body language almost always drowns out the verbal message.
posted by PickeringPete at 6:52 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Way over 50% of communication is non-verbal: tone of voice, eye contact, posture, body language (they call it that for good reason). It can be very confusing and often off-putting when the words say one thing but the non-verbal signals say something else. What I have observed is that the body language almost always drowns out the verbal message.
posted by PickeringPete at 6:52 PM on September 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with milk white peacock - fake it 'til you make it. That is honestly one of the most efficient ways to change things about ourselves we aren't happy with. It's like any other habit - once you get used to always looking confident and sincere and friendly, you'll get used to it and one day you won't even notice that you're no longer insecure and nervous. You'll also get positive feedback from other people all the time and that alone will alleviate your insecurities.
I don't know what these "behaviors" are you're talking about, but I'd also caution you not to over-analyze yourself or let others do the same. Just relax and don't fret about not having enough friends or a lover or whatever - work on your own confidence and the rest will come when it should.
posted by aryma at 11:49 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't know what these "behaviors" are you're talking about, but I'd also caution you not to over-analyze yourself or let others do the same. Just relax and don't fret about not having enough friends or a lover or whatever - work on your own confidence and the rest will come when it should.
posted by aryma at 11:49 PM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you do the videotape of yourself try playing it back with the sound turned off. It might help to see what you look like without being distracted by the verbal.
posted by CathyG at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2011
posted by CathyG at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2011
You could try videotaping* yourself in conversation with someone else, and keep recording long enough that you can forget the camera is there. You want to see what you look like when you are listening as well as when you are talking, both standing and sitting. If you aren't able to find a helper for this, check youtube for videos you can "converse" with and set up your monitor at the height your conversational partner's head would be.
I wouldn't assume these behaviors are necessarily unconscious -- you may have picked up a habit long ago that gives the wrong impression. From what your source said, I'm assuming it has something to do with gestures, facial expressions, posture/stance, or some more general sort of body language.
It's not a problem at all that you don't have friends to ask about this -- most people are terrible at picking out specifically why they get a certain impression of someone. The unconsciousness is on their end more than yours -- people tend to describe someone as looking like they are feeling bored, confident, or whatever and have no idea whatsoever they have actually seen that caused them to come to this conclusion. Asking family is even more of a problem; they might have the same sorts of habits that you are trying to discern, and hardly be able to look for this thing objectively.
Unfortunately, when you watch the video you've made you might have similar sorts of difficulties, either in recognizing what impression you are making or knowing what actions tend to create that impression in people's unconscious minds.
Fortunately, there are people who have done a great deal of practice in learning what these physical actions are that give people these impressions. What you need, my dear zingzangzung, is a good acting coach or acting teacher. Depending on your budget, you can have someone work with you individually or take group classes (you can find a class where performing is not required, and do look for a class of adults rather than children). In a group class, things might initially seem to not have much relevance to whatever your issue is, but over time you will learn the ways of body language and many different options for how you present yourself -- instead of trying to fight it, you can replace the old body language with a new habit. In an individual session, you should be able to get more direct feedback on the image you present.
You don't want to learn what it is to fight it though, what you need is to learn new body language to use instead. Instead of trying to go from bad to neutral, go for excellent. The fact that you are interested in discovering more about this and working on alternatives means that you have an opportunity to get much better than many people at how to send the message you prefer.
*Or whatever the kids are calling moving pictures these days
posted by yohko at 8:20 AM on September 30, 2011
I wouldn't assume these behaviors are necessarily unconscious -- you may have picked up a habit long ago that gives the wrong impression. From what your source said, I'm assuming it has something to do with gestures, facial expressions, posture/stance, or some more general sort of body language.
It's not a problem at all that you don't have friends to ask about this -- most people are terrible at picking out specifically why they get a certain impression of someone. The unconsciousness is on their end more than yours -- people tend to describe someone as looking like they are feeling bored, confident, or whatever and have no idea whatsoever they have actually seen that caused them to come to this conclusion. Asking family is even more of a problem; they might have the same sorts of habits that you are trying to discern, and hardly be able to look for this thing objectively.
Unfortunately, when you watch the video you've made you might have similar sorts of difficulties, either in recognizing what impression you are making or knowing what actions tend to create that impression in people's unconscious minds.
Fortunately, there are people who have done a great deal of practice in learning what these physical actions are that give people these impressions. What you need, my dear zingzangzung, is a good acting coach or acting teacher. Depending on your budget, you can have someone work with you individually or take group classes (you can find a class where performing is not required, and do look for a class of adults rather than children). In a group class, things might initially seem to not have much relevance to whatever your issue is, but over time you will learn the ways of body language and many different options for how you present yourself -- instead of trying to fight it, you can replace the old body language with a new habit. In an individual session, you should be able to get more direct feedback on the image you present.
You don't want to learn what it is to fight it though, what you need is to learn new body language to use instead. Instead of trying to go from bad to neutral, go for excellent. The fact that you are interested in discovering more about this and working on alternatives means that you have an opportunity to get much better than many people at how to send the message you prefer.
*Or whatever the kids are calling moving pictures these days
posted by yohko at 8:20 AM on September 30, 2011
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posted by brainmouse at 9:07 AM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]