Is the path to my heart paved with jokes?
September 27, 2011 11:46 AM Subscribe
He's got so many qualities I like...except for one. And it might be a dealbreaker. Am I being ridiculous? Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about this?
I have been seeing a Gentleman on and off for the last 6-7 months. We're both in our late twenties. I met him through one of my close friends, he asked me out, we got along well, and have been spending time together. I know he likes me and would date exclusively. I like him, too. But something is holding me back...
He's a really good dude and definitely boyfriend material, and friends who know him agree. He's smart, VERY thoughtful, nice, cute, genuine, responsible, respectful, and doesn't play games. He has a job he loves that allows him to travel to interesting places, so he's pretty cultured. He has a really great apartment all to himself, a mere ten minutes away. He has a close relationship with his family (who happens to be of the same ethnic background as mine, which isn't at all necessary but is a nice bonus.) We have several friends in common. We share similar tastes in music and food. We have outstanding sexual chemistry and we're very compatible in that way. I enjoy spending time with him, but there is one thing keeping me from feeling 100% into it...
He's not funny.
I'm a jokey girl, and he's a pretty serious guy. He can be goofy at times, but he just doesn't make me laugh. And hey, we can't all be comedians right? That's certainly reasonable. I'm fine with dating someone who's not nonstop jokes 24/7, if we find the same kinds of things funny and can laugh together. But many Youtube video and tv show-viewings indicate that we don't really find the same things funny. He laughs at quips I make or funny stories I tell, but really never joins in on the joke, so we never joke together. Joking with someone is so fun. I want that.
Recently, we found ourselves in a humorous situation that was RIPE for wisecrackery, and I found myself feeling like the paid comic entertainment. He was amused, but made not a single joke.
He also seems unable to make fun of himself. He did something sort of clumsy (didn't get hurt or anything like that) and I giggled and playfully made fun of him for it. ("Good job! Womp womppp.") And it seemed to make him uncomfortable. At first I felt bad for maybe being a jerk, but then I just felt kinda turned off by how uptight/sensitive he was about it.
Genuinely great guys don't come along every day. I really like and appreciate so many qualities about him. But...laughter! Jokes! I place a lot of importance on these things. Am I placing TOO much importance on them? Am I being short-sighted/immature? My mom's answer to both of those questions is "yes," but my mom married someone funny!
I feel like Jerry Seinfeld. Help.
I have been seeing a Gentleman on and off for the last 6-7 months. We're both in our late twenties. I met him through one of my close friends, he asked me out, we got along well, and have been spending time together. I know he likes me and would date exclusively. I like him, too. But something is holding me back...
He's a really good dude and definitely boyfriend material, and friends who know him agree. He's smart, VERY thoughtful, nice, cute, genuine, responsible, respectful, and doesn't play games. He has a job he loves that allows him to travel to interesting places, so he's pretty cultured. He has a really great apartment all to himself, a mere ten minutes away. He has a close relationship with his family (who happens to be of the same ethnic background as mine, which isn't at all necessary but is a nice bonus.) We have several friends in common. We share similar tastes in music and food. We have outstanding sexual chemistry and we're very compatible in that way. I enjoy spending time with him, but there is one thing keeping me from feeling 100% into it...
He's not funny.
I'm a jokey girl, and he's a pretty serious guy. He can be goofy at times, but he just doesn't make me laugh. And hey, we can't all be comedians right? That's certainly reasonable. I'm fine with dating someone who's not nonstop jokes 24/7, if we find the same kinds of things funny and can laugh together. But many Youtube video and tv show-viewings indicate that we don't really find the same things funny. He laughs at quips I make or funny stories I tell, but really never joins in on the joke, so we never joke together. Joking with someone is so fun. I want that.
Recently, we found ourselves in a humorous situation that was RIPE for wisecrackery, and I found myself feeling like the paid comic entertainment. He was amused, but made not a single joke.
He also seems unable to make fun of himself. He did something sort of clumsy (didn't get hurt or anything like that) and I giggled and playfully made fun of him for it. ("Good job! Womp womppp.") And it seemed to make him uncomfortable. At first I felt bad for maybe being a jerk, but then I just felt kinda turned off by how uptight/sensitive he was about it.
Genuinely great guys don't come along every day. I really like and appreciate so many qualities about him. But...laughter! Jokes! I place a lot of importance on these things. Am I placing TOO much importance on them? Am I being short-sighted/immature? My mom's answer to both of those questions is "yes," but my mom married someone funny!
I feel like Jerry Seinfeld. Help.
Yeah, I don't think this is unreasonable/immature. It seems like a major incompatibility. Funny is important, but even more so, being able to laugh at yourself, like the womp womp thing.
posted by sweetkid at 11:51 AM on September 27, 2011
posted by sweetkid at 11:51 AM on September 27, 2011
Joking with someone is so fun. I want that.
And you don't have it with him. Unfortunately, that's not likely to change.
posted by runningwithscissors at 11:51 AM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
And you don't have it with him. Unfortunately, that's not likely to change.
posted by runningwithscissors at 11:51 AM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is no such thing as a flawless mate. Everyone you meet will have some imperfections. (And anyone who tells you otherwise is deluded or lying). The real question is which ones matter a lot, which ones kinda matter, and which ones don't matter at all. This is not a question anyone can answer for you. Only you can prioritize attributes you value in a significant other, because it's only your priorities that [should] matter.
posted by dersins at 11:52 AM on September 27, 2011 [26 favorites]
posted by dersins at 11:52 AM on September 27, 2011 [26 favorites]
honestly, i don't think you are placing too much importance on these two things (i.e. laughter and jokes), but that's because i value laughter and joking around very much. i think a good sense of humour and honesty are two very important traits to have in a relationship, but that's just my opinion. i value these two traits because these two attributes make someone (or a couple for that matter) overcome obstacles and perhaps, thrive despite these obstacles. this is a form of incompatibility that cannot be changed, so it really depends on how much you value a good sense of humour and why you value a good sense of humour.
posted by sincerely-s at 11:52 AM on September 27, 2011
posted by sincerely-s at 11:52 AM on September 27, 2011
When I was younger and making the list of qualities that I had to have in a mate, a good sense of humor was at the top of the list. Not even a good ass measured as high. If that is something that you value like I did, run, do not walk out of this relationship. For all of his other qualities, if he doesn't make you laugh, it's going to be an awfully long rest of your life.
FWIW - I found the one who makes me laugh daily and it is wonderful. Hold out for it!
posted by Leezie at 11:53 AM on September 27, 2011
FWIW - I found the one who makes me laugh daily and it is wonderful. Hold out for it!
posted by Leezie at 11:53 AM on September 27, 2011
Yeah, it's up to you if it's a dealbreaker or not. As a datapoint, it would be a dealbreaker for me, and has been in the past.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:53 AM on September 27, 2011
posted by craven_morhead at 11:53 AM on September 27, 2011
Humor is an important form of intelligence that I value, so I can understand how you feel. Often people who lack humor aren't especially self aware or perceptive in general.
posted by timsneezed at 11:54 AM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by timsneezed at 11:54 AM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Laugher and jokes are pretty much critical factors to me as well, and base it on my parent's relationship (which is ridiculously healthy) as well as other relationships I've seen go the full distance. It's pretty important.
I'm sorry to hear this, but I'd probably hold out for someone that makes you laugh and you enjoy laughing with. :(
posted by floweredfish at 11:55 AM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear this, but I'd probably hold out for someone that makes you laugh and you enjoy laughing with. :(
posted by floweredfish at 11:55 AM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Shared humor can be hugely important as a glue in a relationship and as a tool for defusing conflict, as well as simply being fun. I wouldn't consider staying in a relationship without it.
posted by wyzewoman at 11:57 AM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by wyzewoman at 11:57 AM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
For me, this wouldn't be a dealbreaker. My wife and I can laugh together, although I would say that our sense of humor is not the same. A good sense of humor in a mate, I think, is if they can laugh at life and not take it overly seriously, rather than if one finds the same things funny. This is a skill that can be learned. It sounds like your guy might take himself a bit too seriously at times, but as dersins notes, there is no such thing as a perfect mate. Is this something you can work out together? You might need to have a talk with him about this.
My wife and I have some things that don't quite match up that I really, really wish did. But I love her with all of my heart, forever, as I believe that part of love overlooks things that disappoint us at times. This is part of what love is. HOWEVER. This doesn't mean that the sense of humor isn't a dealbreaker for you. Values are weighed differently by different people. If you really need this to be happy, that's okay. I would recommend, though, talking before making decisions, to see if this is resolvable, while understanding that there will undoubtedly be surprises along the way that will similarly disappoint you over time, in terms of shared values, regardless of how well you try to plan ahead of time.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:58 AM on September 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
My wife and I have some things that don't quite match up that I really, really wish did. But I love her with all of my heart, forever, as I believe that part of love overlooks things that disappoint us at times. This is part of what love is. HOWEVER. This doesn't mean that the sense of humor isn't a dealbreaker for you. Values are weighed differently by different people. If you really need this to be happy, that's okay. I would recommend, though, talking before making decisions, to see if this is resolvable, while understanding that there will undoubtedly be surprises along the way that will similarly disappoint you over time, in terms of shared values, regardless of how well you try to plan ahead of time.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:58 AM on September 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
Some people have more a need for fun and laughter than others. If you are someone who needs fun and laughter, going wiithout it is probably not going to be sustainable. I'd say it's right up with comparable sex drives in terms of importance, and just like in that kind of a situation, if you pursue this you might terribly bored and resentful and/or going outside your relationship for what you need.
So I'd say yes, it's a dealbreaker. It's a shame when someone's so good for you in other ways and yet there's an important component missing, yet that so often happens in dating.
posted by orange swan at 11:59 AM on September 27, 2011
So I'd say yes, it's a dealbreaker. It's a shame when someone's so good for you in other ways and yet there's an important component missing, yet that so often happens in dating.
posted by orange swan at 11:59 AM on September 27, 2011
Just to expand on my earlier comment...
I think in a relationship it's pretty important to feel like you and your partner see the world through similar eyes. Whether your senses of humor match is a good way of gauging this. If it turns out you don't perceive the world in similar ways, you'll end up feeling alone in the relationship either sooner or later.
posted by timsneezed at 12:00 PM on September 27, 2011
I think in a relationship it's pretty important to feel like you and your partner see the world through similar eyes. Whether your senses of humor match is a good way of gauging this. If it turns out you don't perceive the world in similar ways, you'll end up feeling alone in the relationship either sooner or later.
posted by timsneezed at 12:00 PM on September 27, 2011
Best answer: I'd say the problem is less that he is not funny -- although that is a perfectly okay dealbreaker probably with the same weight as "not good in bed and not getting any better" -- and more that he cannot see humor in himself. Eventually, you will may into a really, really stupid-ass fight wherein you will project your unhappiness about whatever Important Thing onto the way the coat hangers go and without the both of you being able to realize the absurdity of what you are arguing over, you might not be able to get to the actual issues. So there's that.
posted by griphus at 12:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 12:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Dealbreaker. Having a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself, a situation, and even throw a joke once inawhile is very important in my eyes. It shows confidence, makes someone more fun to be around, and prepares someone for lifes many quirky situations.
posted by amazingstill at 12:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by amazingstill at 12:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
For me, this would probably be a dealbreaker. There have been times in my (happy/good) marriage that I'm pretty sure would have led to total freakouts and leaving to go stay in a motel if we hadn't had the bond of a similar sense of the ridiculous.
As everyone here points out, only you know just how important a shared sense of humor is. For me, I think it may actually be - gasp! - more important than sexual chemistry. Because I only Do It so often, but I laugh many times throughout the day. Not being able to connect in jokes is a really big deal for me.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 12:04 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
As everyone here points out, only you know just how important a shared sense of humor is. For me, I think it may actually be - gasp! - more important than sexual chemistry. Because I only Do It so often, but I laugh many times throughout the day. Not being able to connect in jokes is a really big deal for me.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 12:04 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
For you, I don't know. It would be a dealbreaker for me, if only because I find it impossible to fully trust someone who doesn't share my sense of humor.
Just because someone looks really good on paper, and you really care for them, doesn't mean they're right for you long-term. They may make an excellent friend, but not a good lover/partner. There is a difference.
posted by emjaybee at 12:06 PM on September 27, 2011
Just because someone looks really good on paper, and you really care for them, doesn't mean they're right for you long-term. They may make an excellent friend, but not a good lover/partner. There is a difference.
posted by emjaybee at 12:06 PM on September 27, 2011
entually, you will may into a really, really stupid-ass fight wherein you will project your unhappiness about whatever Important Thing onto the way the coat hangers go and without the both of you being able to realize the absurdity of what you are arguing over, you might not be able to get to the actual issues. So there's that.
Totally. I had a relationship with a guy who seemed great except for his lack of humor and inability to laugh at himself. I remember in fights he was completely unable to reflect on his own behavior and he would overreact to small things. I often found myself having to explain things that should have been common sense because we spoke different languages.
posted by timsneezed at 12:09 PM on September 27, 2011
Totally. I had a relationship with a guy who seemed great except for his lack of humor and inability to laugh at himself. I remember in fights he was completely unable to reflect on his own behavior and he would overreact to small things. I often found myself having to explain things that should have been common sense because we spoke different languages.
posted by timsneezed at 12:09 PM on September 27, 2011
expanding my comment:
I can't imagine breaking up with my boyfriend and telling him "Look dude, you're just not funny enough"
But yeah, it's a bummer. Mine has the ability to laugh at himself most of the time... actually, come to think of it, compared to some stiffs I know, his sense of humor is pretty decent. It's just not 24/7 ... which is what I always assumed/wanted to have in relationships.
It's been 2.5 years, and I think his humor has changed over the years. Maybe it's because of me. I'm not 100% sure that people can't change something like sense of humor.
My sister's biggest worry getting married to her husband was his lack of humor and how he just didn't "get it". Looking back, that's the first thing I noticed about him.
But nowadays, he's pretty hilarious. I'd like to think it's from dealing with our super crazy hilarious family.
posted by KogeLiz at 12:10 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
I can't imagine breaking up with my boyfriend and telling him "Look dude, you're just not funny enough"
But yeah, it's a bummer. Mine has the ability to laugh at himself most of the time... actually, come to think of it, compared to some stiffs I know, his sense of humor is pretty decent. It's just not 24/7 ... which is what I always assumed/wanted to have in relationships.
It's been 2.5 years, and I think his humor has changed over the years. Maybe it's because of me. I'm not 100% sure that people can't change something like sense of humor.
My sister's biggest worry getting married to her husband was his lack of humor and how he just didn't "get it". Looking back, that's the first thing I noticed about him.
But nowadays, he's pretty hilarious. I'd like to think it's from dealing with our super crazy hilarious family.
posted by KogeLiz at 12:10 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If this were really just about jokes being the "one thing" holding you back, then I would say you're being quite picky and shallow. People are not made up of independent components that are switchable at will -- you won't be able to meet a great guy with similarly great qualities and just add in the "humor" module. If you were going to end an otherwise great relationship just because he didn't tell the kind of jokes you like, I would say you were just as shallow as someone who ended a great relationship because, I don't know, the girl had the wrong color hair or the guy was a little too short.
However, I think you actually aren't that shallow, but instead you are mis-analyzing the situation: this is not actually about jokes, per se. You've been together 6 months -- the lack of jokes can't be the only thing holding you back from greater intimacy. Instead, I'm guessing that you lack a certain kind of mental connection, which becomes most easily visible through your jokes falling flat. It's your connection that's off; not his sense of humor. I'm sorry to say that this is probably not fixable. He may be a good guy, but he's not for you. Keep on looking, but don't focus overly on individual components like a particular kind of humor -- instead, just pay attention to how you connect mentally/verbally in general. When you find the right guy you'll find his conversation delightful, and arbitrary components like "sense of humor" will not be as important.
posted by yarly at 12:11 PM on September 27, 2011 [24 favorites]
However, I think you actually aren't that shallow, but instead you are mis-analyzing the situation: this is not actually about jokes, per se. You've been together 6 months -- the lack of jokes can't be the only thing holding you back from greater intimacy. Instead, I'm guessing that you lack a certain kind of mental connection, which becomes most easily visible through your jokes falling flat. It's your connection that's off; not his sense of humor. I'm sorry to say that this is probably not fixable. He may be a good guy, but he's not for you. Keep on looking, but don't focus overly on individual components like a particular kind of humor -- instead, just pay attention to how you connect mentally/verbally in general. When you find the right guy you'll find his conversation delightful, and arbitrary components like "sense of humor" will not be as important.
posted by yarly at 12:11 PM on September 27, 2011 [24 favorites]
Six years ago I started dating my boyfriend and moved in with him shortly after. My sense of humor then was pretty different than what it is now. His humor has changed too. While I am much more of a jokester, I have really learned that his particular sense of humor is something I had to be mindful about. I would miss a joke or an opportunity to joke with him because he is different. But over six years our senses of humor have really grown into each other and we make a pretty good team at parties.
So, look at the big picture. How he makes you feel overall. Yeah, humor is a part of that, but be open to the idea that you two still have to figure out how you work together. Humor is very intimate that way.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:14 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, look at the big picture. How he makes you feel overall. Yeah, humor is a part of that, but be open to the idea that you two still have to figure out how you work together. Humor is very intimate that way.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:14 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
When your relationship advances, you'll be in his company all the time. Think about that. Imagine that you're about to take a three-week vacation, just the two of you together. You know that it's going to be just the two of you together for just about every hour of it. Does this idea get you excited? Or does it arouse a bit -- or more than a bit -- of dread? If the latter, I'd at least consider this relationship not one that's going to be life-long.
posted by Philemon at 12:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Philemon at 12:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
posted by Sphinx at 12:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by Sphinx at 12:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
I checked out your "more inside" to find out what the deal breaker is. If it were something like "he doesn't eat mushrooms" or "he makes this sort of annoying noise when he sleeps" or "he cracks his knuckles and it drives me a little crazy," then I might have suggested that you could live with any of those things. Being in a relationship is not about finding the absolute, 100% perfect person. Over time, even the little things you found endearing might not be, after 10 years in.
But when you said that he has no sense of humor, I couldn't help myself but reply. Since you're not deeply involved with him, I'd suggest you move on. Humor is one of those basic personality traits that will never change. It's not something I would be able to overlook. I suggest you let him down nicely.
posted by crunchland at 12:22 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
But when you said that he has no sense of humor, I couldn't help myself but reply. Since you're not deeply involved with him, I'd suggest you move on. Humor is one of those basic personality traits that will never change. It's not something I would be able to overlook. I suggest you let him down nicely.
posted by crunchland at 12:22 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
He also seems unable to make fun of himself. He did something sort of clumsy (didn't get hurt or anything like that) and I giggled and playfully made fun of him for it.
Notice that this example is not about him making fun of himself. It's actually about you making fun of him, and his discomfort with that, which is a rather different thing.
People being what they are, "playfully making fun" of someone is often enough the nice veneer over subconsciously putting that someone down, keeping the upper hand in the relationship, keeping them at a distance etc, which can be plenty enough reason to make people uncomfortable with such things whether intended that way or not.
Anyway, bottom line, none of this would matter if you loved him. But since you've made a whole long post without ever mentioning the L-word, my guess is either that is what's really missing, or perhaps you have issues around getting that serious with anyone and maybe on some level are looking for a way not to go there.
posted by philipy at 12:23 PM on September 27, 2011 [32 favorites]
Notice that this example is not about him making fun of himself. It's actually about you making fun of him, and his discomfort with that, which is a rather different thing.
People being what they are, "playfully making fun" of someone is often enough the nice veneer over subconsciously putting that someone down, keeping the upper hand in the relationship, keeping them at a distance etc, which can be plenty enough reason to make people uncomfortable with such things whether intended that way or not.
Anyway, bottom line, none of this would matter if you loved him. But since you've made a whole long post without ever mentioning the L-word, my guess is either that is what's really missing, or perhaps you have issues around getting that serious with anyone and maybe on some level are looking for a way not to go there.
posted by philipy at 12:23 PM on September 27, 2011 [32 favorites]
I totally agree that a sense of humor is important. And it's absence is a dealbreaker.
But this paragraph does not jibe:
He also seems unable to make fun of himself. He did something sort of clumsy (didn't get hurt or anything like that) and I giggled and playfully made fun of him for it. ("Good job! Womp womppp.") And it seemed to make him uncomfortable. At first I felt bad for maybe being a jerk, but then I just felt kinda turned off by how uptight/sensitive he was about it.
You made fun of him. He didn't like it. You kept going.
Not cool. Think for a few minutes about why you did that.
posted by bilabial at 12:26 PM on September 27, 2011 [17 favorites]
But this paragraph does not jibe:
He also seems unable to make fun of himself. He did something sort of clumsy (didn't get hurt or anything like that) and I giggled and playfully made fun of him for it. ("Good job! Womp womppp.") And it seemed to make him uncomfortable. At first I felt bad for maybe being a jerk, but then I just felt kinda turned off by how uptight/sensitive he was about it.
You made fun of him. He didn't like it. You kept going.
Not cool. Think for a few minutes about why you did that.
posted by bilabial at 12:26 PM on September 27, 2011 [17 favorites]
Best answer: You will never get every single thing that you want in a partner. Which is why it is very very important to choose the primary flaws you can live with.
Also (even though everybody does it) it's really kind of icky to say "I should want to be with this guy because his characteristics largely meet a common ideal." Be with someone who suits you. You're not being crazy by passing on someone who's great but not for you.
If this particular thing wasn't important, you wouldn't notice it. It would be a passing "oh we don't like the same kind of movies" or whatever.
I dated one person who was very sweet and cool, but every time I made a joke he missed the point or completely misunderstood and I spent all my time going, "No, I mean, there's fish in lakes and so they're...*sigh* Nevermind. No, Utah had nothing to do with it." Eventually I realized that it didn't matter which one of us was stupid, because it wasn't going to get better either way.
I think the sense of humor problem is really a shared perspective problem most of the time. Sometimes people luck out and they have meshing worldviews even if that particular form of expression doesn't translate. This doesn't seem to be one of those cases.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:27 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Also (even though everybody does it) it's really kind of icky to say "I should want to be with this guy because his characteristics largely meet a common ideal." Be with someone who suits you. You're not being crazy by passing on someone who's great but not for you.
If this particular thing wasn't important, you wouldn't notice it. It would be a passing "oh we don't like the same kind of movies" or whatever.
I dated one person who was very sweet and cool, but every time I made a joke he missed the point or completely misunderstood and I spent all my time going, "No, I mean, there's fish in lakes and so they're...*sigh* Nevermind. No, Utah had nothing to do with it." Eventually I realized that it didn't matter which one of us was stupid, because it wasn't going to get better either way.
I think the sense of humor problem is really a shared perspective problem most of the time. Sometimes people luck out and they have meshing worldviews even if that particular form of expression doesn't translate. This doesn't seem to be one of those cases.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:27 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
How does he act around other people you know? Have you asked his friends if he's always uptight around them, or does he actually let go of himself.
Maybe he's just really nervous around you trying to be perfect that he keeps missing the punchline? He does sound like a perfectionist as far as how you described him.
Around girls I want to impress I for some reason clam up and seem like a square. But for girls I'm not interested in that way, I can joke around with all day long.
There was one girl I worked with that I would joke around with a lot. I guess I assumed she had a boyfriend so I didn't care if I came off as an idiot. One day people would tell me she liked me, then all of the sudden my "pefect guy filter" kicked on and I stopped joking around. Eventually she wasn't interested anymore.
I think if he jokes around with other people, he'll eventually come around. Otherwise go with your gut.
posted by ocd79 at 12:45 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe he's just really nervous around you trying to be perfect that he keeps missing the punchline? He does sound like a perfectionist as far as how you described him.
Around girls I want to impress I for some reason clam up and seem like a square. But for girls I'm not interested in that way, I can joke around with all day long.
There was one girl I worked with that I would joke around with a lot. I guess I assumed she had a boyfriend so I didn't care if I came off as an idiot. One day people would tell me she liked me, then all of the sudden my "pefect guy filter" kicked on and I stopped joking around. Eventually she wasn't interested anymore.
I think if he jokes around with other people, he'll eventually come around. Otherwise go with your gut.
posted by ocd79 at 12:45 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't dump someone with all those great qualities for this. My husband's not the witty raconteur that I am, and I don't really care. He laughs at my witticisms, but he also likes silly British comedies (note to readers: not everything Brit is dry humor) which don't send me into gales of laughter. I don't expect him to be my clone. I'm always willing to make fun of other people and myself. He's not wired that way.
Self-deprecation isn't always the sign of a good sport, or a really advanced sense of humor. Sometimes, it's beating the other guy to the punch--"I'll make fun of myself before anyone else can" and that's not always a universally admired trait.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:52 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Self-deprecation isn't always the sign of a good sport, or a really advanced sense of humor. Sometimes, it's beating the other guy to the punch--"I'll make fun of myself before anyone else can" and that's not always a universally admired trait.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:52 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just reading your posting made me said. If you can't be funny and take a joke in my opinion, you're out.
I'd pass on this dude.
posted by darkgroove at 12:55 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'd pass on this dude.
posted by darkgroove at 12:55 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Ha, I was just talking to a girlfriend yesterday about how funny comes way before hot.
Well, one word of caution: sometimes it takes years to understand someone's humor! Some people are covert. You think he has no sense of humor; maybe it just takes other forms. Maybe it's invisible to you, or maybe it takes place away from you. I wonder what he's like with his boys.
Personally, I find it relaxing (usually) to be the "funny one" in the relationship. It's way less taxing than being the pretty one.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:56 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well, one word of caution: sometimes it takes years to understand someone's humor! Some people are covert. You think he has no sense of humor; maybe it just takes other forms. Maybe it's invisible to you, or maybe it takes place away from you. I wonder what he's like with his boys.
Personally, I find it relaxing (usually) to be the "funny one" in the relationship. It's way less taxing than being the pretty one.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:56 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I may have been in your guy's shoes in the past. Back in college I spent a couple of months dating a guy with whom I had a similar humor mismatch. Among other things, he used to make not-funny-to-me jokes at my expense -- and I probably reacted much the way your guy did. (At least on the surface. I was much more upset than I let him see, because telling him how I felt led to "Can't you take a joke?" and just made things worse.) His jokes made me feel defensive and unsafe around him, and my reaction to that probably didn't make him feel more comfortable, either.
Nowadays I'm with someone who totally clicks with my sense of humor. I can laugh at myself with him because there's a basic level of trust and safety that just wasn't there with the ex. (And incidentally, my ex is happily married! He's a good guy, just not a good guy for me.)
Also: it kind of sounds like you think you *ought* to like him. Don't think about it as how suitable he is on paper -- think of it as about the relationship you two have together and how that works for you. How do you feel about the relationship?
posted by pie ninja at 12:56 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nowadays I'm with someone who totally clicks with my sense of humor. I can laugh at myself with him because there's a basic level of trust and safety that just wasn't there with the ex. (And incidentally, my ex is happily married! He's a good guy, just not a good guy for me.)
Also: it kind of sounds like you think you *ought* to like him. Don't think about it as how suitable he is on paper -- think of it as about the relationship you two have together and how that works for you. How do you feel about the relationship?
posted by pie ninja at 12:56 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Genuinely great guys don't come along every day.
They do, though. Girls too. The reason it's an adage is that there truly are a lot of fish in the sea. It's hard to see the others when you've got one on the hook (to belabor the metaphor), but they're there. Recognize that there's a lot of middle ground between "I refuse to settle for anything less than complete perfection," and "I'll never find another like him." You will. People are different, but they're not all that different.
Good luck.
posted by red clover at 12:57 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
They do, though. Girls too. The reason it's an adage is that there truly are a lot of fish in the sea. It's hard to see the others when you've got one on the hook (to belabor the metaphor), but they're there. Recognize that there's a lot of middle ground between "I refuse to settle for anything less than complete perfection," and "I'll never find another like him." You will. People are different, but they're not all that different.
Good luck.
posted by red clover at 12:57 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Have you talked to him about it? Perhaps he is bottling up his humor because he feels a need to seem more... professional, or mature, or something. Perhaps he knows he is a bit of a stiff, and would like your help in loosening up. Perhaps, as ocd79 said, he is still just a little uncomfortable around you. At least give him a chance to address it before you cut him loose.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:58 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 12:58 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think having compatibility when it comes to humor is very important though, so you're not being silly or shallow in thinking about this as a problem. It's annoying, but I firmly believe that relationships succeed or fail in the little details.
I once had the opposite problem to yours. Dated a girl who I liked in most every respect, but her sense of humor really grated on me for this reason: she was *constantly* joking or trying to joke. And she could genuinely be hilarious -- but only about 10 percent of the time. The rest of time, I felt like I was chopping through waves of corny puns, cliches, repetitions of buzzwords she thought were funny. I mean, I like to joke around plenty, I think I have a good sense of humor, but every now and then I wanted to just tell the story about what happened at the supermarket or the dentist or even for chrissakes something sad I read in the newspaper, without having to brace myself for the bantering I knew would begin any second.
It was effing exhausting, let me tell ya!
posted by Philemon at 1:07 PM on September 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
I once had the opposite problem to yours. Dated a girl who I liked in most every respect, but her sense of humor really grated on me for this reason: she was *constantly* joking or trying to joke. And she could genuinely be hilarious -- but only about 10 percent of the time. The rest of time, I felt like I was chopping through waves of corny puns, cliches, repetitions of buzzwords she thought were funny. I mean, I like to joke around plenty, I think I have a good sense of humor, but every now and then I wanted to just tell the story about what happened at the supermarket or the dentist or even for chrissakes something sad I read in the newspaper, without having to brace myself for the bantering I knew would begin any second.
It was effing exhausting, let me tell ya!
posted by Philemon at 1:07 PM on September 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
This isn't about him just not being funny. This is a major personality incompatability. Can you see yourself growing old and gross with someone who can't even take a womp womp? Sorry but this sounds like one of those great on paper, not great in practicality situations.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 1:44 PM on September 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Juicy Avenger at 1:44 PM on September 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
Is there anyone you can talk to about his sense of humour who knows him better than you? A family member or old friend? You could ask for advice on planning a funny surprise for him.
As some others have mentioned, though, as long as he laughs at your jokes you know he's not entirely immune to humour, and that's a big thing.
It seems a shame to give up on someone whom you like on all of those other levels just because of this.
posted by Dragonness at 1:45 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
As some others have mentioned, though, as long as he laughs at your jokes you know he's not entirely immune to humour, and that's a big thing.
It seems a shame to give up on someone whom you like on all of those other levels just because of this.
posted by Dragonness at 1:45 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Can you see yourself growing old and gross with someone who can't even take a womp womp?
Good point, old age sounds like it will be full of womp womps.
posted by sweetkid at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Good point, old age sounds like it will be full of womp womps.
posted by sweetkid at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
I don't think a person can exist without a sense of humor, life is just too terrifying without one. I've often found the people who seem humorless early on turn out to have the darkest and most complex senses of humor and those who seem full of humor at first glance turn out to be the biggest bores. It's quite possible that he just doesn't feel you'd appreciate or understand his sense of humor.
posted by any major dude at 1:48 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by any major dude at 1:48 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just as a reference point, my husband and I developed a common sense of humor years after we started our relationship. I say, 6 months isn't nearly enough to get to know someone, specially if they are into dark humor, or if they have trust issues.
Give it some time, make sure he knows playfulness and humor are a way of connecting, not a way of offending, and try to see what amuses him. After years of knowing my husband, I moved on from childish mocking to actual funny stuff. Ask him to show you his favourite comedies, for example. See what's his style.
posted by Tarumba at 1:54 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Give it some time, make sure he knows playfulness and humor are a way of connecting, not a way of offending, and try to see what amuses him. After years of knowing my husband, I moved on from childish mocking to actual funny stuff. Ask him to show you his favourite comedies, for example. See what's his style.
posted by Tarumba at 1:54 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Having a similar sense of humor is very important to me. I feel like I can much better understand and relate to people when we see things through similar 'humor glasses'. It would be a deal-breaker for me and I do not think you are overreacting.
posted by fromageball at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2011
posted by fromageball at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2011
For the record, I don't think you're being ridiculous, but I do think you may miss out just because the diamond isn't perfectly polished yet.
posted by Tarumba at 2:00 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Tarumba at 2:00 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you don't want to give him up, it might be time for y'all to have a serious joke-free talk on your preferred communication/humor styles. It sounds like you might be trying a little too hard to get him to laugh, and it might be irritating him. Especially if you're laughing at pratfalls or stressful situations. Or maybe he enjoys your jokes, but he's aching for a substantive conversation instead of back-and-forth one-liners. (See what Philemon said. Excessive jokiness can be boring, and I know I have to watch myself sometimes.) Or maybe he feels pressure to always be as clever as you are, and his spontaneity is suffering.
It's important to have compatible senses of humor, but this might not be a cut-and-dried case of incompatibility. It might be that you two still have a couple of rough bits in the way you communicate with each other, which you can smooth out with understanding and practice.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's important to have compatible senses of humor, but this might not be a cut-and-dried case of incompatibility. It might be that you two still have a couple of rough bits in the way you communicate with each other, which you can smooth out with understanding and practice.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:03 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm with ocd79. I treat women that I truly care about much differently - perhaps unfortunately - than I do the ones that are "just" friends, even close ones. Not to say it's still not a dealbreaker, but perhaps he need to just learn some more ins and outs of you. :)
posted by kcm at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2011
posted by kcm at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2011
He's smart, VERY thoughtful, nice, cute, genuine, responsible, respectful, and doesn't play games. He has a job he loves that allows him to travel to interesting places, so he's pretty cultured. He has a really great apartment all to himself, a mere ten minutes away. He has a close relationship with his family (who happens to be of the same ethnic background as mine, which isn't at all necessary but is a nice bonus.) We have several friends in common. We share similar tastes in music and food. We have outstanding sexual chemistry and we're very compatible in that way.
A relationship is not a checklist. It is a living, breathing, organic morass of both logical and emotional responses. Your brain can't trick your heart into loving someone.
So is his lack of humor a glaring omission on your personal checklist? or does it point to a deeper incompatibility?
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 2:19 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
A relationship is not a checklist. It is a living, breathing, organic morass of both logical and emotional responses. Your brain can't trick your heart into loving someone.
So is his lack of humor a glaring omission on your personal checklist? or does it point to a deeper incompatibility?
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 2:19 PM on September 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I went back and forth on an answer, because I'm lucky enough to have a husband with nearly exactly my sense of humour and we share jokes that go back to Day 1. We have a very good life together and looking back, I'm pretty sure we laugh together daily and there's no end in sight - but then, I also realize that my husband is lacking a few things that I'd have liked in a partner, and respect that a few of the things that I chafe at a bit are what keeps us stable. That said, there are times when he doesn't laugh at what I'm laughing at (I'm looking at you, Sad Etsy Dogs) and then I laugh at him not laughing at me. But still, there's no one thing I can separate out of what makes him him, and still have the person that he is.
But, being a mature person who's had a few relationships under the belt, I also realize that it's not fair to your partner to want him to be everything. Do you have friends with whom you can be as silly as you want to be, and who'll wisecrack with you the way you like? Are there other outlets for that part of you? Because what if you changed your thinking for just a bit to where it wasn't a problem with him, but "Wow, with him I don't have to be on." What if his being more staid was restful, comforting and reassuring instead of dull and pokey?
That said, when my husband and I rib or tease each other, it's done with love, and we can tell . Perhaps your boyfriend can tell that you're not there yet, and it rubs. I'm not a fan of teasing, or anything that reeks of name-calling, because my mom was pretty cruel with it and, as I tell my kid and the students I supervise at school: "A joke is when two people laugh."
posted by peagood at 2:29 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
But, being a mature person who's had a few relationships under the belt, I also realize that it's not fair to your partner to want him to be everything. Do you have friends with whom you can be as silly as you want to be, and who'll wisecrack with you the way you like? Are there other outlets for that part of you? Because what if you changed your thinking for just a bit to where it wasn't a problem with him, but "Wow, with him I don't have to be on." What if his being more staid was restful, comforting and reassuring instead of dull and pokey?
That said, when my husband and I rib or tease each other, it's done with love, and we can tell . Perhaps your boyfriend can tell that you're not there yet, and it rubs. I'm not a fan of teasing, or anything that reeks of name-calling, because my mom was pretty cruel with it and, as I tell my kid and the students I supervise at school: "A joke is when two people laugh."
posted by peagood at 2:29 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
6-7 months? Please give him time. You don't have to worry about the rest of your life right now. Sometimes it takes a while for people to break out of their shell. My partner didn't make me laugh until several months into our relationship, and it is now one of my favorite memories, mostly because of how relieved and amazed I was that he had it in him. I was on the verge of breaking it off because I thought our senses of humor would never sync up. Now we goof off all the time together--in a way I never would have imagined in that first half a year.
posted by swingbraid at 2:37 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by swingbraid at 2:37 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Hard to see the loss in letting things breathe, having the sorts of conversations people have mentioned; plenty of people loosen up through feeling more comfortable in relationships, conversations about perceptions and understandings related to senses of humor.
The bigger-picture issue may be too big, but busting someone's chops right after they f up and make it clear that they're not amused (at least in the heat of the moment) strikes me as being less than considerate and understanding.
posted by ambient2 at 2:37 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
The bigger-picture issue may be too big, but busting someone's chops right after they f up and make it clear that they're not amused (at least in the heat of the moment) strikes me as being less than considerate and understanding.
posted by ambient2 at 2:37 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Maybe it's me, but it sounds like he does have a sense of humor (he does laugh), just not at the same things you do. He's not a natural wit, or a jokester, if you will, and that's what you miss.. But how important is that? Only you can say. I wonder if some of it is an extrovert/introvert thing.
Add to that the fact that you teased him about messing up, and you're taking that as evidence of an inability to laugh at himself. Well, maybe. The description's a bit vague, and it does sound like you were all LOL U FELL and he felt stupid and wasn't ready to laugh it up just yet. That's definitely a cultural/family thing - some people love it, and some peope hate it. I'm another one of those people who, for a bunch of reasons, don't care for teasing as a sign of affection, and yet, I do have some humor in me.
So, I'd say relax, talk, actually talk about your respective senses of humor, and trying not joking for a bit. See what it feels like, and how it changes your interactions. I've known people who use constant joking as a way to keep everyone at arm's length, and it can be really tiring after a while. I'm not saying that's you, just providing food for thought.
posted by canine epigram at 2:51 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Add to that the fact that you teased him about messing up, and you're taking that as evidence of an inability to laugh at himself. Well, maybe. The description's a bit vague, and it does sound like you were all LOL U FELL and he felt stupid and wasn't ready to laugh it up just yet. That's definitely a cultural/family thing - some people love it, and some peope hate it. I'm another one of those people who, for a bunch of reasons, don't care for teasing as a sign of affection, and yet, I do have some humor in me.
So, I'd say relax, talk, actually talk about your respective senses of humor, and trying not joking for a bit. See what it feels like, and how it changes your interactions. I've known people who use constant joking as a way to keep everyone at arm's length, and it can be really tiring after a while. I'm not saying that's you, just providing food for thought.
posted by canine epigram at 2:51 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm of two minds here, when I first started dating my bf of three years he came off as uptight and downright dorky. Now that we are totally comfortable around each other I realize that he was simply nervous and the personality I saw at the beginning was not real.
On the other hand I am a very sarcastic person and I have an ex who just didnt get sarcasm and took every rude or downright mean. This never got better and became a serious problem (current bf is a sarcasm machine). In sum, go with your gut, if you are relatively sure that this is not due to nerves or lack of familiarity then break it off.
posted by boobjob at 2:57 PM on September 27, 2011
On the other hand I am a very sarcastic person and I have an ex who just didnt get sarcasm and took every rude or downright mean. This never got better and became a serious problem (current bf is a sarcasm machine). In sum, go with your gut, if you are relatively sure that this is not due to nerves or lack of familiarity then break it off.
posted by boobjob at 2:57 PM on September 27, 2011
I was once married to someone who had a great sense of humor. We would be laughing for half an hour before we even got out of bed. We both have quick wits and are full of word humor. But over the years the sense of humor didn't overcome other issues in our relationship including eventual sexual incompatibility and emotional selfishness.
I am now with someone who sounds like your partner. My partner doesn't crack many jokes, doesn't even smile much. That's just the way they are. But they love me with the heat of a thousand suns, they will and would do anything for me, they are hugely hot and we smile and laugh a lot during sex. They are the most reliable, warm, affectionate person I've ever had the pleasure to love. We work together in our own business and can spend hours together working or driving in silence. It's OK, I've got comfortable with that.
We've been together a few years now and I my partner is laughing, joking and smiling more each year. In fact, just the other day I told them a joke: What did the Rastafarian say when he ran out of ganja? Why the fuck are we listening to this crap? and my partner was doubled over in laughter for minutes. It was pure joy.
tl;dr - while a sense of humor is important, shared values, affection and sincerity are more important. These qualities do not arrive later in a relationship but a shared sense of humor can. Instead of focusing on deal breakers, have a think about his deal makers and see if they don't outweigh the humor thing.
posted by the fish at 3:00 PM on September 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
I am now with someone who sounds like your partner. My partner doesn't crack many jokes, doesn't even smile much. That's just the way they are. But they love me with the heat of a thousand suns, they will and would do anything for me, they are hugely hot and we smile and laugh a lot during sex. They are the most reliable, warm, affectionate person I've ever had the pleasure to love. We work together in our own business and can spend hours together working or driving in silence. It's OK, I've got comfortable with that.
We've been together a few years now and I my partner is laughing, joking and smiling more each year. In fact, just the other day I told them a joke: What did the Rastafarian say when he ran out of ganja? Why the fuck are we listening to this crap? and my partner was doubled over in laughter for minutes. It was pure joy.
tl;dr - while a sense of humor is important, shared values, affection and sincerity are more important. These qualities do not arrive later in a relationship but a shared sense of humor can. Instead of focusing on deal breakers, have a think about his deal makers and see if they don't outweigh the humor thing.
posted by the fish at 3:00 PM on September 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
I really value humor and generally am in awe of really intelligent, funny people, so I understand where you're coming from. It depends on how I feel around a person, though. If they made me feel really good in a super special romantic way and I liked them for other reasons and found them attractive, it wouldn't matter too much. That's why you have friends.
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:07 PM on September 27, 2011
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:07 PM on September 27, 2011
I just turned down a dream job because it was in Holland. Britain is a very funny nation. Holland less so.
That really was the dealbreaker, no kidding.
posted by tel3path at 3:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
That really was the dealbreaker, no kidding.
posted by tel3path at 3:18 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
It occurs to me you might be able to approach this in a less self-serving way. That is, don't ask why his sense of humor is not the same as yours, but instead ask, "How can I make him laugh?" I realize that people place great store in this quantification/typology of "humor," but the fact is, everybody laughs at something. Figure out what that is!
posted by yarly at 3:41 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 3:41 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You said you met him through one of your close friends, so is that friend more familiar with his sense of humor? And I know people have commented on the anecdote about his clumsy incident, but without having been there, I'm not gonna say you were out of line or anything.
Anyway, I'm inclined to be in the boat that says humor isn't something you can really get better at. I suppose it's possible he can reveal his over time, but it just doesn't seem that likely. Having to remind yourself that he still has all those other great qualities sort of feels like you're consciously trying to convince yourself to settle for something, and it shouldn't have to come to that. And personally, I think I'd feel a bit wistful if I were out and about with someone, and overheard other couples laughing it up all night.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:46 PM on September 27, 2011
Anyway, I'm inclined to be in the boat that says humor isn't something you can really get better at. I suppose it's possible he can reveal his over time, but it just doesn't seem that likely. Having to remind yourself that he still has all those other great qualities sort of feels like you're consciously trying to convince yourself to settle for something, and it shouldn't have to come to that. And personally, I think I'd feel a bit wistful if I were out and about with someone, and overheard other couples laughing it up all night.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:46 PM on September 27, 2011
I think the problem is that he doesn't make her laugh, but she can make him laugh.
Humour is something covered by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice. Now, I know that this book should *not* be an all purpose relationship advice book, it has an interesting quote- that "Mr Darcy had not yet learned to be laughed at"
(an interesting look at Laughter and it's significance to relationships is here.)
posted by titanium_geek at 4:52 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Humour is something covered by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice. Now, I know that this book should *not* be an all purpose relationship advice book, it has an interesting quote- that "Mr Darcy had not yet learned to be laughed at"
(an interesting look at Laughter and it's significance to relationships is here.)
posted by titanium_geek at 4:52 PM on September 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I recently asked how to take myself less seriously. maybe the thread can help?
I had an ex who used to make fun of me constantly, and I didn't really like it. It felt insulting.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:47 PM on September 27, 2011
I had an ex who used to make fun of me constantly, and I didn't really like it. It felt insulting.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:47 PM on September 27, 2011
My ex husband was hilarious. Every day with him was like being at "Comedy Central". That is probably one of the biggest reasons I stayed with him as long as I did. He had a mean streak, however, and we ultimately went our separate ways. The man I wound up with is not very funny. Well, he can certainly appreciate humor, but he's not so good at it himself. Right this moment, however, he is making dinner for both of us while I putter around. My ex never made my dinner! So, you see...people have different abilities, attributes and talents. I did miss the "hilarity" of ex husband when we first divorced...but I sure don't miss the cheating. I say if your guy laughs during funny movies he has potential for developing humor...I'd give it some time and make note of the positives. It's like "looks aren't everything--- neither are laughs. If he is borrrring you, sure, give him up...but if you genuinely like him, cut him slack for not being "comedically blessed".
posted by naplesyellow at 7:23 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by naplesyellow at 7:23 PM on September 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
MrTaff and I met and married within about three weeks. (I eas travelling overseas, what can I day?)I knew he was perfect for me...everything you say about your beau. There was a big BUT...his sense of humour. I decided at the time that I wanted all the other good stuff much more than I wanted or needed the whackadoodle sense of humor that I've got.
My best-friend despaired of me, of the marriage as she thought he had NO sense of humour and was a tiny bit of a sensitive flower and outrageously politically correct.
She was right. BUT, it turns out he has a wonderful, nuanced, dry wit that he doesn't always unleash on casual aquaintances. He can be dark, terrible and say the most god-awful puns....but he never says things about minorities or women. He is actually devastating with his clever and deadly mimicry.
I've never asked him why it took so long (1.5 years) for this side to come out...I hadn't really noticed.
But part of it is that my outrageous sense of humour has rubbed off on him, partly that I have learned to appreciate his subtle humour and partly that we now have shared language, shared history, shared enemies.
He now always knows I mean well and love him and if I say something too "off" he'll call me on it. and laugh. He knows he's safe to let his inner evil twin out...which is cool, because when we got married, I didn't realise that he had this amazing sense of humour.
It's been a delightful discovery and the core of our very, very happy 14 year marriage now is our shared laughs.
Give him time.
posted by taff at 8:27 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
My best-friend despaired of me, of the marriage as she thought he had NO sense of humour and was a tiny bit of a sensitive flower and outrageously politically correct.
She was right. BUT, it turns out he has a wonderful, nuanced, dry wit that he doesn't always unleash on casual aquaintances. He can be dark, terrible and say the most god-awful puns....but he never says things about minorities or women. He is actually devastating with his clever and deadly mimicry.
I've never asked him why it took so long (1.5 years) for this side to come out...I hadn't really noticed.
But part of it is that my outrageous sense of humour has rubbed off on him, partly that I have learned to appreciate his subtle humour and partly that we now have shared language, shared history, shared enemies.
He now always knows I mean well and love him and if I say something too "off" he'll call me on it. and laugh. He knows he's safe to let his inner evil twin out...which is cool, because when we got married, I didn't realise that he had this amazing sense of humour.
It's been a delightful discovery and the core of our very, very happy 14 year marriage now is our shared laughs.
Give him time.
posted by taff at 8:27 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
There's a lot of "unfunny people suck! run!" sentiment in these answers. Here's the opposite point of view. I consider myself to have a good sense of humor about every day life and I laugh a lot, but I don't consider myself "funny". I find trading jokes a bizarre way of interacting; I don't care much for any but the most perfect of puns; teasing is more likely to strike me as mean-spirited mocking than fun jesting; I find witty one-upmanship tiresome. I like my romantic partners to be capable of finding the humor in everyday life, as I do, because I don't want to be expected to supply an endless stream of jokes for their entertainment.
I do not consider this a personality flaw. And if I were dating someone who did, I would very much want them to cut me free so I could go find someone else who sees the world the way I do.
posted by ootandaboot at 10:29 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
I do not consider this a personality flaw. And if I were dating someone who did, I would very much want them to cut me free so I could go find someone else who sees the world the way I do.
posted by ootandaboot at 10:29 PM on September 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You can't intellectualize this like checkboxes. This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me IF I really enjoyed being around the person. It would be a deal breaker for me if it consistently interfered with having fun together and the other stuff didn't outweigh that...
posted by salvia at 12:32 AM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:32 AM on September 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I can see how you would think a different sense of humor is a deal breaker because when I first got into a relationship with my boyfriend of three years, I couldn't stand his sense of humor, and I was worried that I was ignoring a big red flag.
At the time, his jokes were dorky and ridiculous and drove me nuts! But over time, our humor styles have merged; he probably quit making the uber-dumb jokes because he knew they made me want to throttle him, but I have also learned to appreciate some of his still-pretty-lame jokes as funny because of who he is. He even told me the other day that he's noticed that I laugh at his stupid jokes now instead of rolling my eyes (which definitely makes me re-assess my own sense of humor, his jokes are so bad!). So what I'm saying is, our styles have definitely merged over time, and humor is a non-issue in our relationship now.
But this probably only worked because we are very compatible in other areas. Also, I feel like having a lame sense of humor is still better than having none at all, so YMMV.
posted by angab at 10:34 AM on September 28, 2011
At the time, his jokes were dorky and ridiculous and drove me nuts! But over time, our humor styles have merged; he probably quit making the uber-dumb jokes because he knew they made me want to throttle him, but I have also learned to appreciate some of his still-pretty-lame jokes as funny because of who he is. He even told me the other day that he's noticed that I laugh at his stupid jokes now instead of rolling my eyes (which definitely makes me re-assess my own sense of humor, his jokes are so bad!). So what I'm saying is, our styles have definitely merged over time, and humor is a non-issue in our relationship now.
But this probably only worked because we are very compatible in other areas. Also, I feel like having a lame sense of humor is still better than having none at all, so YMMV.
posted by angab at 10:34 AM on September 28, 2011
I once dated a girl who constantly made jokes about things that were pretty mundane (like tripping on something). Instead of sarcastically responding with "Gee, I never heard that one before," i just smiled and let her have her corny jokes. I think it's nice that he puts up with you. ;)
posted by jander03 at 11:35 AM on September 28, 2011
posted by jander03 at 11:35 AM on September 28, 2011
Response by poster: Wow, thanks for all the great input everyone.
Just to clarify a few things:
1. We haven't been together for 6 months and he isn't my boyfriend. As I said, it's been on and off with a few starts and stops, mostly due to his travel for work.
2. He dropped something and it broke in a funny way, I said the "womp womppp" thing, saw he wasn't laughing with me, and stopped. I didn't continue to tease him, I'm no bully!
3. The issue isn't that I'm resistant to having a boyfriend. Quite the contrary. I think part of the problem here is that I DO very much want one and this might be part of why I'm reluctant to let this one go/torn about the things that are lacking.
4. He is the same way with all his friends.
5. A relationship in which I had to tiptoe around with jokes ALL THE TIME would suck for me.
Will start marking favorites. Thank you again!
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 8:58 AM on September 29, 2011
Just to clarify a few things:
1. We haven't been together for 6 months and he isn't my boyfriend. As I said, it's been on and off with a few starts and stops, mostly due to his travel for work.
2. He dropped something and it broke in a funny way, I said the "womp womppp" thing, saw he wasn't laughing with me, and stopped. I didn't continue to tease him, I'm no bully!
3. The issue isn't that I'm resistant to having a boyfriend. Quite the contrary. I think part of the problem here is that I DO very much want one and this might be part of why I'm reluctant to let this one go/torn about the things that are lacking.
4. He is the same way with all his friends.
5. A relationship in which I had to tiptoe around with jokes ALL THE TIME would suck for me.
Will start marking favorites. Thank you again!
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 8:58 AM on September 29, 2011
Yeah, if you feel like you have to tiptoe around him then, meh. MEH. It ends up feeling like you're at work all the time.
Yeah, it's less the fact that he's not a yukster than the fact that he seemed offended when you made a tee-hee you're clumsy type comment. I wouldn't like that. Not saying "break up NOW" but, just that you're not being unreasonable in your description of this situation as not one you're completely cool with right now.
posted by sweetkid at 12:43 PM on September 29, 2011
Yeah, it's less the fact that he's not a yukster than the fact that he seemed offended when you made a tee-hee you're clumsy type comment. I wouldn't like that. Not saying "break up NOW" but, just that you're not being unreasonable in your description of this situation as not one you're completely cool with right now.
posted by sweetkid at 12:43 PM on September 29, 2011
Yeah, it's less the fact that he's not a yukster than the fact that he seemed offended when you made a tee-hee you're clumsy type comment. I wouldn't like that. Not saying "break up NOW" but, just that you're not being unreasonable in your description of this situation as not one you're completely cool with right now.
I would suggest, though, that his response in this situation may not be indicative of much regarding humor, as it's not a reliable data point. People have off days, and one response is not always indicative of who a person is. I can make fun of myself quite a bit, and I like to laugh at life's mistakes, even when it's at my expense. But if I'm feeling frustrated with something to begin with, and someone jumps in to poke fun, I can't guarantee I'm going to see the situation as being the party bus to funny town. It's about timing, and maybe the response was a timing issue, not a humor issues.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:34 PM on September 29, 2011
I would suggest, though, that his response in this situation may not be indicative of much regarding humor, as it's not a reliable data point. People have off days, and one response is not always indicative of who a person is. I can make fun of myself quite a bit, and I like to laugh at life's mistakes, even when it's at my expense. But if I'm feeling frustrated with something to begin with, and someone jumps in to poke fun, I can't guarantee I'm going to see the situation as being the party bus to funny town. It's about timing, and maybe the response was a timing issue, not a humor issues.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:34 PM on September 29, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
He is not going to develop a sense of humor akin to yours. You are not overreacting here. This is a basic form of incompatibility. I'm sorry.
posted by desjardins at 11:48 AM on September 27, 2011 [47 favorites]