This too shall pass?
September 22, 2011 4:37 PM Subscribe
Panicking about my relationship, which is then causing me to panic about my panic. I have no one to talk to and I just want to know that I'm going to be ok.
Over the last two weeks my boyfriend has sunken into a deep depression. He's struggled with depression before (as have I) and he's always been very open about it, but this is the first time since we've started dating that I've seen him like this. It happened so quickly and now my formerly affectionate, loving, and playful boyfriend is sullen and withdrawn. I love him and remain committed to the relationship. He's someone very special and I want to do everything that I can to help him feel better.
I've been feeling incredibly anxious the past two weeks, however, and doubting his commitment since most of the signs of his love have vanished. I was planning to talk to him tonight to check in and confirm that his feelings about me haven't changed, that he's just struggling with depression, but he texted to tell me that he wants to be alone tonight. I understand and respect that, but this is the second time this week that he's done this when he knows that we won't be able to spend much time together this weekend. I just tried to call him to talk and he didn't answer, which is unusual for him.
I'm panicking. The anxiety I've been feeling over the past two weeks has been unbearable and now I'm feeling anxious about my anxiety. I'm afraid of spiraling downward to the extreme depression I've felt before. If this relationship ends, I'm afraid that I'm not resilient enough to recover. That I'll be alone forever, end up weighing 400 pounds from using food to cope, fail out of the graduate school program I'm starting this weekend, and get fired from the new and exciting job I have.
My friends are all unavailable tonight in a terrible stroke of bad luck and I just need to hear from someone that no matter what happens things will be ok. I know that rationally somewhere, but I can't hold on to that in the face of these overwhelming feelings. Any advice you might have for coping immediately and in the near future would also be much appreciated. I'm reading AskMefi threads and ordered some books on how to relate to a loved one with depression, but I was just hoping that maybe someone could offer some comfort now. Thank you in advance.
Over the last two weeks my boyfriend has sunken into a deep depression. He's struggled with depression before (as have I) and he's always been very open about it, but this is the first time since we've started dating that I've seen him like this. It happened so quickly and now my formerly affectionate, loving, and playful boyfriend is sullen and withdrawn. I love him and remain committed to the relationship. He's someone very special and I want to do everything that I can to help him feel better.
I've been feeling incredibly anxious the past two weeks, however, and doubting his commitment since most of the signs of his love have vanished. I was planning to talk to him tonight to check in and confirm that his feelings about me haven't changed, that he's just struggling with depression, but he texted to tell me that he wants to be alone tonight. I understand and respect that, but this is the second time this week that he's done this when he knows that we won't be able to spend much time together this weekend. I just tried to call him to talk and he didn't answer, which is unusual for him.
I'm panicking. The anxiety I've been feeling over the past two weeks has been unbearable and now I'm feeling anxious about my anxiety. I'm afraid of spiraling downward to the extreme depression I've felt before. If this relationship ends, I'm afraid that I'm not resilient enough to recover. That I'll be alone forever, end up weighing 400 pounds from using food to cope, fail out of the graduate school program I'm starting this weekend, and get fired from the new and exciting job I have.
My friends are all unavailable tonight in a terrible stroke of bad luck and I just need to hear from someone that no matter what happens things will be ok. I know that rationally somewhere, but I can't hold on to that in the face of these overwhelming feelings. Any advice you might have for coping immediately and in the near future would also be much appreciated. I'm reading AskMefi threads and ordered some books on how to relate to a loved one with depression, but I was just hoping that maybe someone could offer some comfort now. Thank you in advance.
Best answer: Many digital hugs!
It really will be ok!
posted by Zebulias at 4:44 PM on September 22, 2011
It really will be ok!
posted by Zebulias at 4:44 PM on September 22, 2011
Best answer: What you can do to calm down right now: Do some 7-11 breathing. Breathe in deeply through your nose while counting to 7. Then breathe out through your nose, counting to 11.
If your really feeling ansty/anxious right now, it might be hard to do at first. But just keep trying, once you get it going, keep doing this for awhile. It will calm you down and help you slow down your worrying.
I have lots of anxiety issues and this is one of the most helpful things to do with near immediate effects.
* Hugs *
posted by chocolatemilkshakes at 4:46 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
If your really feeling ansty/anxious right now, it might be hard to do at first. But just keep trying, once you get it going, keep doing this for awhile. It will calm you down and help you slow down your worrying.
I have lots of anxiety issues and this is one of the most helpful things to do with near immediate effects.
* Hugs *
posted by chocolatemilkshakes at 4:46 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend, but coping with your own panic over what's going to happen with your own life may be helped by doing something you know you're good at and having a small success right now.
Do you have a bit of work for your graduate program that's easily accomplished? Something that will take a bit of brain work, but not so much that will stump you? Why not give that a try?
If not that, how about a small project for work that will have your boss/co-workers/clients singing your praises?
If food is your worry, maybe try a recipe for something ridiculously healthy, bright, colorful and fresh that you can savor for dinner tonight?
If all else fails, almost anyone can succeed at running a nice hot bubble bath and reading a book.
You'll be okay. You have all of Metafilter to tell you that you're awesome...how can you lose?
posted by xingcat at 4:53 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do you have a bit of work for your graduate program that's easily accomplished? Something that will take a bit of brain work, but not so much that will stump you? Why not give that a try?
If not that, how about a small project for work that will have your boss/co-workers/clients singing your praises?
If food is your worry, maybe try a recipe for something ridiculously healthy, bright, colorful and fresh that you can savor for dinner tonight?
If all else fails, almost anyone can succeed at running a nice hot bubble bath and reading a book.
You'll be okay. You have all of Metafilter to tell you that you're awesome...how can you lose?
posted by xingcat at 4:53 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If this relationship fails you will not, therefore, be a failure yourself!
Anyway, relationships don't "fail" when/if they end. What really happens is that we successfully identify situations or people that aren't working for us, and so we move on to people and situations that do work for us and the other person.
This is not the end of the world.
posted by jbenben at 5:16 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Anyway, relationships don't "fail" when/if they end. What really happens is that we successfully identify situations or people that aren't working for us, and so we move on to people and situations that do work for us and the other person.
This is not the end of the world.
posted by jbenben at 5:16 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Two weeks is so, so, so not enough time to say his commitment and love have vanished. Two weeks is nothing. NOTHING. Really. Healthy long term relationships often have months long rough patches. Really. It's not that meaningful. Take it from someone who has been through several weeks long rough patches over his happy 15 year long relationship.
Deep breath! It'll be ok, whatever happens!
This anxiety thing? You really should think about therapy. It can't hurt, right? It's just talking to someone nice. Nothing her is out of the range of what I consider normal, but normal people can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas off of.
posted by pjaust at 5:22 PM on September 22, 2011
Deep breath! It'll be ok, whatever happens!
This anxiety thing? You really should think about therapy. It can't hurt, right? It's just talking to someone nice. Nothing her is out of the range of what I consider normal, but normal people can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas off of.
posted by pjaust at 5:22 PM on September 22, 2011
Best answer: I'm going to mail you my number. Call me if you want to talk.
posted by Yellow at 5:29 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Yellow at 5:29 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If this relationship ends, I'm afraid that I'm not resilient enough to recover.
The fear of something does not make it a fact.
Start to find ways to counteract these fears, catastrophic thinking, etc. with warm, healthy, realistic self-talk. Things like "whatever happens, I will handle it." "Even if this is difficult or painful, I've gotten through difficult and painful times before." "I have resources to draw on and people who love me."
You're going to be okay. Whatever happens, you will handle it.
posted by scody at 5:38 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
The fear of something does not make it a fact.
Start to find ways to counteract these fears, catastrophic thinking, etc. with warm, healthy, realistic self-talk. Things like "whatever happens, I will handle it." "Even if this is difficult or painful, I've gotten through difficult and painful times before." "I have resources to draw on and people who love me."
You're going to be okay. Whatever happens, you will handle it.
posted by scody at 5:38 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, also: start making a list of simple things you can do to comfort yourself tonight since your friends are unavailable. Things like: make a cup of tea, take a walk around the block, take a warm bath, work on a project you enjoy, rent your favorite movie, etc. You may fear that the time won't pass, or that it will be unbearable. I promise: it will pass, and you will be able to bear it.
posted by scody at 5:42 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by scody at 5:42 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You WILL be ok. You ARE resilient. These feelings are not permanent -- think of them like "weather" that is passing through your system. Throughout life there will be moments when painful feelings arise, but on the flip side of that, painful feelings will also always eventually disperse. You just have to sort of weather the storm, and you can!
Since it sounds like you have some food/weight anxiety, I would go grab a yummy but nutritious snack/meal (perhaps something like soup? Always makes me feel better :) ), snuggle in with a good comedy, and then go to bed early to get plenty of rest. Wait until you feel like you're in a better place yourself before you tackle the boyfriend issue -- take care of yourself first.
Wishing you the best :)
posted by imalaowai at 6:57 PM on September 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
Since it sounds like you have some food/weight anxiety, I would go grab a yummy but nutritious snack/meal (perhaps something like soup? Always makes me feel better :) ), snuggle in with a good comedy, and then go to bed early to get plenty of rest. Wait until you feel like you're in a better place yourself before you tackle the boyfriend issue -- take care of yourself first.
Wishing you the best :)
posted by imalaowai at 6:57 PM on September 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Research shows that people tend to overestimate how bad they will feel if a negative event occurs. (And the opposite, as well...) Be reassured that your worst-case scenario imaginings are an overblown trick of your brain!
posted by Pomo at 7:39 PM on September 22, 2011
posted by Pomo at 7:39 PM on September 22, 2011
Best answer: I'm going through a pretty similar thing right now with my boyfriend. It totally sucks, doesn't it? I'm really sorry. You're going to be okay, though. Things really do always seem worse at night, I've been noticing that a lot lately as I'm going through my own thing and struggling to not freak out and lose my shit when I'm home alone in the evenings. It's hard. I distract myself a lot -- thank god tonight is season premiere night on NBC, I'ma get my fix of Community and Parks and Rec and that'll help for a bit. After that, more internet, or maybe a bath and a book. Distractions really help. Keep yourself as busy as you can if you can't spend time with friends tonight -- there are some old threads in MetaTalk about the funniest comments on Metafilter, or the best AskMe questions, or whatever. Dig around in those, you might end up going down the rabbit hole of awesomeness and look up to find two or three hours have passed. Get neck-deep into a TV series on Hulu or Netflix -- I kind of love "Beyond Scared Straight" and "Lockdown" right now, but YMMV on those... or watch a movie, read a book, do some yoga, go jog around the block... actually, exercise can help A LOT. So can deep breathing techniques like people mentioned above, I would really strongly recommend those if you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed and you need immediate relief.
MeMail me if you'd like -- I'm happy to talk. You're going to be okay. All you need to do is get through tonight, get some sleep, and in the morning you're most likely going to feel better. Not perfect, but better, and that's nothing to sneeze at. :)
posted by palomar at 8:38 PM on September 22, 2011
MeMail me if you'd like -- I'm happy to talk. You're going to be okay. All you need to do is get through tonight, get some sleep, and in the morning you're most likely going to feel better. Not perfect, but better, and that's nothing to sneeze at. :)
posted by palomar at 8:38 PM on September 22, 2011
Best answer: Without knowing the specifics...your boyfriend's depression is not about you. It can be so, so hard not to attribute your partner's mood or behavior to your actions. You want to fix it. You want to make it better for him. And it's so tough to just not be able to help. You can be supportive, you can give him space, you can listen and be a sounding board. But ultimately, this isn't something you can control.
What you can control is basically everything else in your own life, and it sounds like you have a lot of great stuff going on. Throw yourself into it. Put some extra focus on exercise, or cooking, or meditating, or whatever it is that will make you feel good.
You don't know what's coming in the future. My boyfriend used to tell me "fear is not preparation." And it's so true. Please don't torture yourself with scary thoughts about what "could" happen. If that starts to happen, try some breathing and meditation to break that cycle of negative thoughts.
posted by pourtant at 8:56 PM on September 22, 2011
What you can control is basically everything else in your own life, and it sounds like you have a lot of great stuff going on. Throw yourself into it. Put some extra focus on exercise, or cooking, or meditating, or whatever it is that will make you feel good.
You don't know what's coming in the future. My boyfriend used to tell me "fear is not preparation." And it's so true. Please don't torture yourself with scary thoughts about what "could" happen. If that starts to happen, try some breathing and meditation to break that cycle of negative thoughts.
posted by pourtant at 8:56 PM on September 22, 2011
Best answer: Aw, honey. Depression is hard to be around, and it's understandable that you're upset. It will be OK.
I have some anxiety issues, and I've had that crappy night where I feel terrible and everyone I call is busy. I also really recommend distractions. It can really, really help to take a little brain vacation. Watch a light movie, do a craft project, clean your house... if you zone out for a while, it gives your body time to flush out some of those stress chemicals. It really helps.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 8:57 PM on September 22, 2011
I have some anxiety issues, and I've had that crappy night where I feel terrible and everyone I call is busy. I also really recommend distractions. It can really, really help to take a little brain vacation. Watch a light movie, do a craft project, clean your house... if you zone out for a while, it gives your body time to flush out some of those stress chemicals. It really helps.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 8:57 PM on September 22, 2011
Response by poster: I'm so grateful for everyone's kind words and encouragement. I was checking in on the thread last night while trying to stay calm and busy. I wasn't completely successful, but your words were an incredible comfort.
I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I'm a little overwhelmed by the generosity of people who don't know me at all responding to help me get through a difficult night. I know that I'll be referring to this thread in the future when things get tough again, as I'm reasonably sure they will. I know it's a long road to help him feel better. I contacted some therapists last night to see about getting some help for myself to work on the anxiety and to have some support as I enter a stressful time in my own life.
I was able to talk to him briefly and he assured me that he's just been feeling bad and that things are ok between us. It wasn't as effusive as I'd like (it was actually over text message because he didn't feel like talking on the phone) but all I can really do at this point is take him at his word.
I love him a lot and I'm committed to helping him get better. I'm feeling more optimistic this morning that with the help of a therapist of my own and some resources on supporting a loved one with depression that it will get easier to cope.
Thank you so much for your words and kind thoughts and your offers to talk. I hope that I can be of as much comfort to someone some day as you were to me.
posted by p. kitty at 5:45 AM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I'm a little overwhelmed by the generosity of people who don't know me at all responding to help me get through a difficult night. I know that I'll be referring to this thread in the future when things get tough again, as I'm reasonably sure they will. I know it's a long road to help him feel better. I contacted some therapists last night to see about getting some help for myself to work on the anxiety and to have some support as I enter a stressful time in my own life.
I was able to talk to him briefly and he assured me that he's just been feeling bad and that things are ok between us. It wasn't as effusive as I'd like (it was actually over text message because he didn't feel like talking on the phone) but all I can really do at this point is take him at his word.
I love him a lot and I'm committed to helping him get better. I'm feeling more optimistic this morning that with the help of a therapist of my own and some resources on supporting a loved one with depression that it will get easier to cope.
Thank you so much for your words and kind thoughts and your offers to talk. I hope that I can be of as much comfort to someone some day as you were to me.
posted by p. kitty at 5:45 AM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Hang in there. You've got a lot of things happening - new job, new school, boyfriend situation. It's normal to feel anxious about even one, let alone all three! You really will be okay. I know it can be hard to see that right now, but you will be.
It's even harder when you're dealing with the feelings of someone you love - you want to help and fix it but don't quite know how, and that can be tough. Just be supportive, and try to remember that what's going on with him is ultimately about him and not about how you or your relationship (I mean that in a nice way, I'm not sure the best way to phrase that).
Good for you for getting your own resources together! Have an awesome first weekend of school and keep on keepin' on- memail anytime :)
posted by mrs. taters at 10:12 AM on September 23, 2011
It's even harder when you're dealing with the feelings of someone you love - you want to help and fix it but don't quite know how, and that can be tough. Just be supportive, and try to remember that what's going on with him is ultimately about him and not about how you or your relationship (I mean that in a nice way, I'm not sure the best way to phrase that).
Good for you for getting your own resources together! Have an awesome first weekend of school and keep on keepin' on- memail anytime :)
posted by mrs. taters at 10:12 AM on September 23, 2011
Best answer: The first rule I learned in EMT training is that you have to take care of your own safety/health first, then you are in a better position to help someone else. I have depressive tendencies, as does my partner. When she gets depressed, I shore up my strength and make sure to be aware of my own emotional state. Good for you for seeking help with that! I am supportive, but I don't commiserate. I try not to take things personally- sometimes it's just the depression talking. I just take extra special care of myself so that I can be supportive of her without 'catching' her depression. I don't blame myself for her depression, nor do I blame her. I sympathize with her because I know how badly it sucks to be in that pit. I acknowledge her feelings, but gently redirect her when she catastrophizes things. I help her get whatever help is necessary to get her through it and up on higher ground. It takes time and it takes patience, but it does pass. He still loves you, it's just hard for him to show it right now.
posted by kamikazegopher at 12:40 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by kamikazegopher at 12:40 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I just wanted to respond to this thread in case there's anyone who finds this looking for help and support in a similar situation.
My boyfriend and I are still together and things are going very well. His mood improved about a month after I posted this and while I've struggled with depression this winter, we've gotten through it together. This incident sparked a very productive discussion between the two of us about how we care for ourselves and each other if we're feeling depressed.
Things turned out ok. And even if they hadn't turned out the way they did, it would still be ok. If I could just leave a message for anyone else who might find this, it's that things will be ok. Take a deep breath, follow some of the other advice in the thread, and know that in six months from now (or maybe even sooner) you will still be ok.
Much love and support from a sufferer in the past to anyone who might be suffering in the future.
posted by p. kitty at 12:07 PM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
My boyfriend and I are still together and things are going very well. His mood improved about a month after I posted this and while I've struggled with depression this winter, we've gotten through it together. This incident sparked a very productive discussion between the two of us about how we care for ourselves and each other if we're feeling depressed.
Things turned out ok. And even if they hadn't turned out the way they did, it would still be ok. If I could just leave a message for anyone else who might find this, it's that things will be ok. Take a deep breath, follow some of the other advice in the thread, and know that in six months from now (or maybe even sooner) you will still be ok.
Much love and support from a sufferer in the past to anyone who might be suffering in the future.
posted by p. kitty at 12:07 PM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by daisystomper at 4:44 PM on September 22, 2011 [3 favorites]