Mom is getting married in 3 days. WHAT?
September 22, 2011 4:31 PM Subscribe
My mom is getting married in 3 days to a man she's been dating for two months. She emailed me this news (not too weird, that's our main form of communication) last week and I have been in too much of a state of shock to respond. How do I respond to this? I'm still not even sure how to feel about it.
posted by evilbeck to human relations (29 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
My mom divorced my step-dad when I was 12, fourteen years ago, and hasn't dated since. I am an only child. I moved out when I turned 18 and she moved about 9 hours away shortly after. She has had friendships with men she works with or goes to church with and always started getting overly attached and talking about them as if they were dating, so the rushing in is not really something new.
She met Matt around 6 months ago at church and she emailed me about him and said that she liked talking to him. We live about 9 hours apart and when she came to visit me in late July they had been dating for a week. She was giddy about it, but we spent a lot of time talking about it and when she left her plan was to sit down with her counselor so she would have a neutral third party to talk to about relationships. She was already talking about marriage that first week and I kind of talked her down. She admits that she has never had a healthy relationship in her life and doesn't really know what one looks like. I advised her to just take her time and not rush into anything because the first few months are the honeymoon period and you can't really get to know someone's bad side that fast. She agreed especially because of her relationship history and her habit of picking assholes.
I was in the middle of a ten day vacation when I got her email. Less than two weeks notice of her wedding. In her email she says that I am her maid-of-honor and goes on at length about the food and decorations.
From my perspective, she knew that I was on vacation and there was absolutely no chance of me getting more time off of work, especially on such short notice. The fact that she is talking like it's a given that I'll be there feels really delusional to me. Which would tie in with her getting married so quickly. She's been diagnosed with half of the things in the book, so I don't know how accurate any of them are, but she has had multiple psychologists/counselors/psychiatrists discuss the possibility of her being bipolar or soft bipolar. To me this feels like one of her manic periods where she has a goal in mind and realilty doesn't factor in. She has been craving companionship for a long time and I don't know if this guy is as amazing as she says or not, but knowing her, she is diving head first into the first relationship opportunity she's had regardless of how good it is.
Another factor is that they are both Christians and are waiting until marriage for sex. It's kind of hard to not think of them as being a couple of stupid horny teenagers even though they're both nearing 60. I can't help but think that's a big reason for running down the aisle so fast before they've really had time to get to know each other.
I'm also pretty hurt that she's taking such a big step with no real concern over me being there. She may be kind of out there sometimes, and I probably should have seen this coming, but I just never pictured her getting married to someone I've never met and know nothing about. It feels like a violation of the kind of relationship we've always had.
So, she wants me there or at least wants my blessing, but how I can I give her my blessing when she's given me no reason? I would like to say that I trust my mom's judgement enough to believe that this guy is her soulmate, but I just don't. If I had been able to meet him and get to know him first, I might be able to get behind it, but even then I'm not sure I would because I think getting married after 2 months is just straight up crazy. I have been rewriting emails to her in my head ever since I got the news but I'm getting nowhere. I still don't know how I even really feel about all of this so I can't even begin to put it into words to her. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know how to tell her how I feel. It's too late to change her mind and even if I could, she's an adult and she can make her own choices.
How do I respond to this without ruining our relationship? It has already taken a big hit because this really lowered my respect for her, but I don't want to destroy it completely. Help?