How can I make my wife climax during intercourse?

September 19, 2011 10:20 AM

How can I make my wife climax during intercourse?

Newly married and new to sex. It's all been good, but I've noticed that while I can get my wife to climax via masturbation relatively easily, it just doesn't seem to happen during intercourse at all. It could be that I don't have the stamina or lasting power to get to that point, but I've found it easier to masturbate the clitoris during intercourse. This works incredibly well, but it's sometimes awkward. For the most part, it seems like the clitoris is on the sidelines for much of the action, so how is she likely to climax through standard intercourse? All seems to work a bit better with her on top, but I know that gets tiring. I'm not sure how open she is to positions other than missionary, but I don't think anything to crazy or bizarre will fly (at least not yet).

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

There is no answer to this question other than

a) Many (most?) women never climax from intercourse alone, and what you're describing sounds perfectly normal.

b) The only way to know whether your wife is one of these women is to talk to her about it. Internet strangers cannot help you.

In my experience, bringing a partner to orgasm before the PiV part starts is a good compromise.
posted by auto-correct at 10:29 AM on September 19, 2011 [11 favorites]

A lot of women (some people say the majority) can't climax without direct clitoral stimulation. Orgasm during intercourse without additional manual stimulation just isn't possible for many women, so you shouldn't feel like a failure if it doesn't happen in your relationship, nor should you focus on intercourse as the most important sexual act. But I agree with the above: talk to your wife.
posted by decathecting at 10:30 AM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

To start with, this is not at all unusual. The cliche is true - every woman is different. And clitori stimuli [sic?] is what some women need to orgasm.

Have you tried going without penetration, and just rubbing your penis on the outside, so that you're stimulating her clitoris?

I'd be more graphic and offer other examples, but answers can't be anonymous, and I have a reputation to upkeep as a clueless, selfish lover.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 10:30 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

For the most part, it seems like the clitoris is on the sidelines for much of the action, so how is she likely to climax through standard intercourse?

Congratulations, you've just discovered the biggest booby trap inherant to female anatomy. If it helps, your wife is FAR, FAR, FAR from the only woman with such an issue.

All seems to work a bit better with her on top, but I know that gets tiring. I'm not sure how open she is to positions other than missionary, but I don't think anything to crazy or bizarre will fly (at least not yet).

Experimenting with different positions, as well as stimulating her until she gets REALLY close, can help.

but taking pressure off yourself will help too. Personally (she said, figuring "what the hell, I'll divulge") I've just given up on having an orgasm via this means, and tell all partners that "look, it's really hard for me that way", but -- that doesn't mean I don't like trying, because hell, it's fun trying for it anyay. And once in a blue moon, I get lucky. But the rest of the time, the guy knows that "eh, that's just the breaks" and we get me off some other way that does work, which is also fun too. That kind of "maybe I'll come this way, and if not, oh well, we'll do some other thing instead" lets me relax and enjoy what's going on, and once in a while...I get relaxed enough to, er, REALLY enjoy it, if you know what I mean.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:30 AM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

I am not your wife so I have no idea. People are pretty unique in the ways they get off. So, no matter how many wonderful answers you get here your wife is still going to be your best resource.

Many women cannot come from intercourse alone. I have read stats ranging between 70%-80%. So, if you want her to come you are going to have to stimulate her clit some how. So, yes, you are going to have to try positions other than missionary. This is anon, so I know you can't answer, but how much do you talk to your wife about what gets her off? How much can you? You guys have a lifetime of sexual depravity to explore and if you are going to do it well you both need to have an open mind and open communication.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:30 AM on September 19, 2011

Exactly. She needs to tell you what to do, and she needs to be comfortable doing so.
posted by fso at 10:31 AM on September 19, 2011

Well, first off, some women just don't find that penetration does it for them, or does it enough. Not that it can't be pleasurable, but it might not be the right kind of stimulation for her.

Furthermore, might it be useful to think about why this is a problem in particular? Is she upset that she hasn't been having orgasms from vaginal penetration? Do you think she wants more orgasms? Or is it more the case that you want her to be having more orgasms/orgasms from the type of sexual interaction that you want her to have orgasms from? I know that some men seem to feel emasculated or something when their partner isn't being brought to orgasm by their penis. Both partners aren't always going to experience all the parts of their sexual interaction in the same way though.

To look at things another way: I'm assuming you probably enjoy playing with her clit. It's probably arousing, emotionally and sexually intense, and you probably get satisfaction from her reactions. I'd also guess that that alone will never bring you to orgasm.
posted by rosken at 10:35 AM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

It's not an "issue" or "problem" per se; it's totally normal. I can pull the stats for you but something like 80% of women never orgasm from intercourse. If you want to make this a goal (and you're young and new to this, I'm sure it sounds like a great goal to you but to me it just sounds like and exhausting amount of work for the same benefit) you can try two things: 1) manual stimulation of her clitoris during intercourse; 2) a vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse. (See: bullet vibe.)
posted by DarlingBri at 10:44 AM on September 19, 2011

Welcome! There's only one rule in the bedroom: One lady's "crazy and bizarre" night is another woman's boring pre-breakfast snack.

If you're not ready to talk to her about this yet, and I hear you, I'm shy a bit, maybe make some feelers. But also: what about what you want? What do you like? For both of you it would be great if you started with that age-old question: "What do I think about when I masturbate?"

I think you'll find in years to come that, at least in a few ways, you didn't really know each other yet. The road can be tricky and sometimes scary, but you'll have a great partnership if you learn how to talk about this stuff. And it's an easy way in to those discussions to start with "Let's find out what gets you off."
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:51 AM on September 19, 2011

it doesn't work for everyone, but some women find great success with the we vibe.
posted by nadawi at 10:52 AM on September 19, 2011

And now for something completely different (ok, really only slightly different):

the coital alignment technique!

No guarantees that it will help out your wife, but it's certainly worth a try or three. In a nutshell, it's like missionary except the man positions himself farther forward and there is more emphasis on grinding/rubbing, with the goal of creating pressure on the clitoris from the man's penis/pubis.
posted by drlith at 10:53 AM on September 19, 2011 [4 favorites]

Everything everyone is saying about all women being different is right on. Just keep in mind that this has nothing to do with your prowess. You're not less of a man because she doesn't. It's just her body. Work with her to get it done by another means. All it means is that you care enough to find the right way to make her explode...and that is so much more rewarding in the long run.
posted by inturnaround at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2011

You need to ask your wife how she likes it best. You also need to ask her if she feels pressured to have an orgasm. I know that I will almost never climax if my thoughts resemble "I wonder if it'll happen? maybe I can if I just relax... but it's so hard to relax! Oh no, it's not going to happen - he'll be so disappointed." But really, almost all of us need clitoral stimulation of some type, and your wife is part of a huge majority. You've got to realize that the clitoris has more nerve endings than your entire body - stimulating it can feel really, really, REALLY good.

Also, try putting her legs on your shoulders/tying her to the bedposts/standing with her lying face down on the bed/letting her tie you up/starting with a relaxing bath, etc... Have fun, however you do what you're going to do.
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 11:25 AM on September 19, 2011

For some reason this important fact doesn't seem to get highlighted enough during these discussions: many, if not most, ladies who climax without using hands during penetration do it by rubbing their clits against the man's pubic bone area. A select few women come through no direct contact at all, but you would already know if this is the case with your wife, probably. So since your wife seems to have no problem coming using hands, she can probably learn to come by moving her hips up against you just so. But she will have to be motivated to experiment with different movements and pressures - it can be a little inhibiting at first.
posted by mrs. sock at 12:19 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am one of the 20 to 30 percent. Even so, I didn't figure this out for several months of regular sex with a partner I loved and trusted.

You say you are new to sex. Give this one some time.
posted by Monday at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2011

It can actually take years and years fine-tune lovemaking with your spouse as you each learn more about each other. The other interesting thing is, tastes change - what may arouse and stimulate your wife may actually change over time, due to both biology and psychology, and your own tastes may change or become more refined over the years, too. So, lovemaking is actually a continuous process of exploration and refinement, followed by more exploration and refinement...
posted by KokuRyu at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yup. Echoing Roskin and EmpressCallipygos (and yes, of course agreeing that everyone is different), perhaps the one thing I would personally like impress on every hetero male is that trying to get a girl off on just P-in-V sex is probably something like a dude trying to orgasm purely by someone going to town on his balls without ever touching his dick. I'm guessing some good tea-bagging and ball-play can feel generally pleasant. And maybe there's some slim chance that might somehow drive you to orgasm. But probably not. And I'm guessing having someone do that would be pretty frustrating, because you'd probably want your dick involved. Chicks have clits. It's the exclusive Happy Fun Button of human anatomy. For chrissakes, get on that.
posted by involution at 1:27 PM on September 19, 2011 [6 favorites]

Crap - I was agreeing with rosKEN, not rosKIN (sorry, rosken)!
posted by involution at 1:33 PM on September 19, 2011

Try for the G-spot digitally and, if results are encouraging, during intercourse. You could really rock her world.
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:24 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

1. Invest in a small vibrator.
2. Position yourselves so that you're behind her. (This gives her/you the easiest access to the clit and many women find it a lot more comfortable than missionary.)
3. She/you can use the vibrator on her while you're inside her.

Best of both worlds.
posted by pourtant at 4:17 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is what vibrators are made for. JimmyJane form 2 is highly recommended for such things, and also its waterproof so, hey, shower fun!
posted by softlord at 4:19 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Without details on what you've really attempted with your "motions" it is hard to advise. That said I would say focus on keeping close contact.

That sounds like a "duh" statement, but think about it. A lot of guys, when they have sex, focus on the in and out movement, the actual penetration. It is quite possible though that your lady friend require more stimulus on the outside than on the inside (which is why penetration aint doing it for her). So keep close contact and focus more on circular grinding motions with your hips that keep your two pelvises locked and rubbing together. When done in missionary position, this should get you a lot more clitoral contact.

Also, let her try being on top and controlling the action--she may be able to get herself off a bit easier that way.

At the end of the day though, you have to experiment. Depending on what her sexual experience is, she may not even KNOW what she needs, hence why you have to try a LOT of positions, situations, etc. Its all about experimenting. I know, tough stuff to do, but you'll manage.
posted by Elminster24 at 5:45 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

@Monday: Despite the only mostly grim stats telling us they're out there somewhere, I still feel like discovering the existence of women who can orgasm from intercourse alone is like finding a real live unicorn: you've heard about them sometimes in myth and legend, but you've never encountered one personally. So rock on. I'm gonna go be jealous now.
posted by involution at 6:35 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ditto Monday - I'm also in that small percentage, except it took me years and several partners to get there. Long, long story. If you memail me or post a throwaway, I can go into some reassuring detail for you on how the process worked out for me, because it did take a bit more than simple time and patience (though that's really most of it, honestly!).
posted by Eshkol at 7:30 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

It could be that I don't have the stamina or lasting power to get to that point, but I've found it easier to masturbate the clitoris during intercourse. This works incredibly well, but it's sometimes awkward. For the most part, it seems like the clitoris is on the sidelines for much of the action, so how is she likely to climax through standard intercourse?

Oh my goodness, don't fall for any claptrap that makes you feel crappy about your stamina.

Stimulating her clitoris during penetration would be the typical way to get her to climax during intercourse. She's not likely to climax from just penetration.
posted by desuetude at 10:58 PM on September 19, 2011

Agreed on all of the above, well most of it, but darlin... Please don't forget to stimulate her mind and stroke her ego! If you are able to convince her that she is a sex kitten, she may be more open to all kinds of play!
posted by Jayed at 11:47 PM on September 19, 2011