Is this normal, or a sign my relationship is failing?
September 16, 2011 11:43 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend thinks about being with other women. I don't mean sexually. Is this normal?
posted by metaphorik to Human Relations (31 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Backstory: my boyfriend and I have been friends for years, and have been dating for over a year now. We've decided we want to get married in the very near future; he was the one who brought it up initially, and I was right there with him. We're by no means perfect, and we fight like any couple does, but we're very happy together.
Or so I thought.
Recently a mutual friend approached me and told me that my boyfriend confided in her that he has some concerns about our relationship. (Before you get outraged, she thought these were things I deserved to know. She's not the type to just blab secrets.)
The main issue is that he has "wandering thoughts" about other girls. I know sexual fantasies about other women are perfectly normal, and often innocent, but these range more toward "what if I was with this girl, who is smarter and more successful?" and "what if I was with a girl who is more outgoing?"
To me, this is not sexual in nature. It's more like he looks at girls who have similar qualities, but sees "improvements" on me, and wonders what it would be like to date them instead.
I was shocked, because he's never brought this up with me, and we usually have fantastic communication. My immediate thought was that he was a jerk, because this is clearly something that needs to be discussed! When I calmed down I started to wonder if maybe he hasn't brought this up because it's not a pressing issue to HIM, or if it's more of the typical "grass is greener" type thinking. Or maybe it's cold feet, and he's not quite ready to get married and settle down.
Is this normal? Do guys have these types of thoughts, or is this a sign that I'm not doing it for him? I'm certainly not going to stick around if he's shopping around for upgrades or if he thinks I'm not "good enough". I know that I am, and I'd really prefer to have a guy that knows it, too.
I need advice or opinions, or both! Please shed some insight on this.