Please help. Terrified that my jealousy/insecurity is killing my relationship
September 14, 2011 6:42 PM Subscribe
I'm afraid my boyfriend's second thoughts about our relationship are just the tip of the iceberg, and he's actively pursuing other options.
posted by yummywaffles to Human Relations (20 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
We have been together for going on 2 years now. The first six or seven months of our relationship I was unsure of whether I wanted to be with him or not. The courtship process was short and intense, and I was pursued heavily.
At about the year mark, when I moved to his city, something snapped and whatever lingering doubts I had about him dissipated. We did bicker a lot when I came home (we're both sensitive and a wee bit controlling), but we worked on those issues. After a while though I felt like we weren't being physically intimate enough, or that his feelings were waning. I know I have security issues from a past relationship, and they really hit me kind of hard when I first moved to be with him. I felt like he was all I had and the thought of losing him was unbearable.
Anyways, some instances of inappropriate flirting on his part came to light (sexual conversations with old flames) and we had a really rocky couple weeks, almost ending the relationship. He apologized to me sincerely, told me I was the most important thing in his life and he couldn't imagine living without me, and we moved on.
Since then, it's been ups and downs. I'll go through periods of feeling so secure with him, and then times when I question _EVERYTHING_ that he does. Even the simplest things. And in my mind, they're completely rational and add up but when I snap out of my crazy and look back later, I can see that I was over reacting or making a mountain out of a molehill.
This has manifested in things like getting annoyed when he doesn't return my call fast enough, getting jealous when he makes a new guy friend and I don't feel like he is proactive about wanting to introduce me (though I know he shouldn't HAVE to introduce me at all, I should be comfortable with him having his own friends), and wanting a rundown of how his evening went.
We have talked about it a few times, and the last time he said that he doesn't understand where this doubt is coming from, and when I pressed him he said he loved me but sometimes it did make him have second thoughts about the relationship. Also, that nothing has changed even though I said it would.
He takes care of me in so many ways. We have opposite work schedules, and he's very socially active but still tries to plan around mine. He does so many little things for me to make my life easier, tells me he loves me, even does my laundry occasionally. He DOES have a flirtatious nature, and has many admirers (he's an actor and is quite popular in the gay community where we live), but he doesn't truly give me any reason to distrust him. He has a lot of "friends" i've never met who want to do favors for him quite often, like getting him tickets to shows, taking him to dinners and other free things like that, but I try not to let that bother me (even though it does sometimes).
The litmus test I've always used is our sex life. If I sit there and think, gosh we haven't made love in almost a week, or sometimes two weeks, I'll start spiraling into insecurity and suspicion. Even though we have opposite schedules and have maybe three hours a week where sex would even be possible. And even though he's still physically affectionate with me (though not in the hot and bothered way usually).
Anyways, long story short. I know I have issues with jealousy, but I'm getting back to suspecting he has some secret life going on in the evenings while I'm at work (He has a 9 to 5, I work until 2am usually). I know I shouldn't, and even if that IS the case me being suspicious or treating him like he's hiding something isn't going to improve the relationship. I'm terrified that my jealousy and insecurity are slowly strangling this relationship, and he's exploring other options even though he still says he loves me. How do I save this relationship before he decides to leave me to my own devices? This internal struggle is absolute hell.
This weekend he even invited me to a family event with him, and seemed really looking forward to me going with him. And his brother is in town this weekend and wants us all to hang out. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I just trust him? It's getting to the point where I'm borderline depressed, and I spent the first part of the afternoon searching for free counseling in my area. Since I can't afford $150 a pop.
He has suggested we go to couples counseling, but I kind of feel like it's my problem and I should fix it on my own.