Is he a player or am I nuts or both?

September 12, 2011 1:01 PM

What should I do about this romantic episode?

I met this guy at a festival. He was super good looking and came up to me, directly asked for my phone number right off the bat. I got the impression he was a real smooth operator, but I liked it and I have been lonely for SO F’ING long because I live in a really remote, foreign area where there are not many single men that I can talk to. We danced and kissed. He got in touch with me the next day and we hung out. Great company, kissing, etc, and then we parted ways. We hung out a few more times, it was awesome. He made some grand professions about how much he liked me, how he wanted to have a LDR, how great he thought I was, etc. I figured he wanted to just get laid and laughed it all off. He was just so attractive (I am not unattractive, but like I said, there aren't many guys around here), and it seemed so fast, so I figured it could not be genuine. I’m also pretty skeptical of men in general, I know. I do have trust issues, etc, that I'm working on.

Eventually, we did sleep together. I figured it was kind of over then, because it seemed like that was what he was after only, but he continued. He said he was going to call me every day and that this was the start of “something good.” I remember being fairly mystified and speechless. He said, “Let's see.”

I was trying to put it all out of my mind, but, like I said, it’s a cold and lonely world here. So, I called him myself the day after he left. We had about a twenty minute conversation in which he said that he liked me so much, he was thinking of me, that he was going to come visit, I was going to come to where he lived, etc. I didn’t hear anything from him for two days, so texted him something conversational. He didn’t answer. I then just asked him if he was a liar through text. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, he really liked me, he wasn’t seeing anyone. The next day, I texted him a small thing again. He responded by calling me, but I missed the call. I called him back twice but he didn’t answer.

Since then, nothing. It’s been a week. I feel pretty embarrassed, especially since I called twice, so I haven’t initiated any contact. He hasn’t called me or anything, either.
I can’t really figure out if he is a douche or if I am a crazy, or both. I want to trust my gut, which says he was messing with me, but I don't know.

Why would a guy say such things and then not pursue? Did I scare him because I called him and I didn’t give an opportunity? Was I trying too hard and being too cynical at the same time? Should I have a conversation with him, or just let it go?

posted by anonymous to human relations (39 answers total)

Never text angry! I do it myself sometimes and it's always a mistake. Was the whole episode probably going to burn out, just like you thought it would? Yes, but calling him a liar out of the blue couldn't have helped prolong the romance. You were also willing to sleep with him when you suspected sex was all he was after- why didn't you trust your instincts that he was coming on too strong, too fast for it to be real? Sounds like you were right, but you didn't listen to yourself. It's worth thinking about for next time.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:09 PM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

Throwing out the liar card already is a bit of a crazy flag for most guys, I think. Pacing is different for everyone, and two days without a response isn't unheard of nor is it particularly awful. It might be part of his game, but either way, calling him out that way isn't going to win you any points.
posted by disillusioned at 1:11 PM on September 12, 2011 [18 favorites]

You called him a liar. I'd be kind of stung by that if I were called that, too, and would slow things down.

Have a conversation with him if you can get a hold of him. Ask him what's up.

Maybe he's a player, maybe he's not. But I get the feeling from what you wrote that you feel most people who show interest are players.
posted by inturnaround at 1:12 PM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

Talk to him. You will not know what is going on in his mind without having a conversation about it. It sounds like your cynicism and mistrust of men in general might be a defense mechanism so that you don't get hurt. Can you try to give him a chance without investing your whole heart? Just be open to the possibility that he might be genuine, and you might have something special. It might be something to try. There's a possibility you'll get hurt, but there's a possibility that something good can come from it (and it sounds like something good has already happened). Also, what's the worst thing that could happen? You were right, he was just looking to get laid. You don't need to be embarassed- you were looking for the same thing!
Good luck!
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 1:13 PM on September 12, 2011

He said he was going to call me every day and that this was the start of “something good.”

Methinks he doth protest too much. All this excessive talking about how awesome you are (good in moderation) and how much he likes you (good in moderation) and how he's going to call you every day (whoa, back up, buddy) says the exact opposite, at least in my opinion.

He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, he really liked me, he wasn’t seeing anyone.

Did you ask him if he was seeing anyone? If not, this extra information is another in a sea of red flags.

What was his endgame? I have no idea. It could be immaturity, another woman, fickleness, etc. Let it go. Sleep only with guys whose motivations you trust.
posted by litnerd at 1:13 PM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Every day" doesn't usually mean "every day, by hell or high water" it means "every day, unless something important comes up and I can't call." So, let's say, theoretically, something came up and he couldn't call or respond to one text and the next thing he gets is a pretty aggressive accusation. Uncool and combined with the unanswered phonecall -- I know, not your fault, but still -- definitely reason enough for him to back off from what appears to be a source of drama.

No one here can tell if you spooked him off or if he was a douchebag or what. But, next time, play it cooler and instead of calling a dude a liar for not keeping up contact, just say "whatever" and let it go. If he's a douchebag, you lost a douchebag, big fucking deal. If he's cool and something came up, he'll get back to you.
posted by griphus at 1:16 PM on September 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

I think that he was fast forwarding you initially by coming on so strong, while meanwhile you were just keeping things casual. When you called him a liar it probably made him realize that you may be taking his bait and oh shit - he actually has to follow-though on all of that now and it's not just a hot pursuit anymore.

Meh, if it were me, I'd just let it go and see if he contacts you again. You never know, he may have had something come up. Two days really isn't a huge deal.
posted by floweredfish at 1:17 PM on September 12, 2011

Why would a guy say such things and then not pursue? Did I scare him because I called him and I didn’t give an opportunity? Was I trying too hard and being too cynical at the same time? Should I have a conversation with him, or just let it go?

men are human beings. they have feelings. to call someone a liar is a very, very strong accusation. I cannot speak for him, but I think I would be very put off by someone calling me a liar. I would be concerned that the person would not think about my feelings.

I would apologize for calling him a liar. First thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:20 PM on September 12, 2011 [6 favorites]

I once went on a date with someone I met online. It was perfectly pleasant and I liked her company. Nothing physical happened, just plans for a 2nd date. At the end of the second date, she asked me if I wanted to walk home with her, and i said no, i was just going to get on the subway b/c i had an early day the next day (which was true). She texted me later that night to say "why didn't you walk me home? I'm not into playing games." I just didnt' write back and there was no third date. That early was too early for meto deal with any level of bullshit or craziness from either party -- I didn't need to be in a situation after 2 dates of having to justify not walking someone home.

Likewise, if i was called a liar that early on i'd just figure you had some issues and i'd avoid your calls. Not worth the hassle, sorry.
posted by modernnomad at 1:20 PM on September 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

The beginning of the relationship, which is where you are, is no place for either of you to be insulting the other over unmet expectations. If he isn't coming through on his promises/your needs, then move on, but there's a lot of reasons he might not deserve your insults...

Ultimately, they give you the short-term satisfaction of being nasty, but also the long-term dissatisfaction of having been nasty, and decrease any possible chance of love working out. It was a lose-lose gesture on your part.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:22 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I think since it was long distance then you pressed him too much with the communication. He might live in a really busy, things are happening sort of area. Also, like everyone said, calling someone a liar is harsh. Modernnomad above has it, when people don't really know you, they don't want any hassles. (anything that can be interpreted as craziness, name-calling, or drama). Don't sweat it too much, long distance after meeting like that usually doesn't work, it's just a romantic interlude to be enjoyed in the moment. If it works out afterwards, great, if not, you have some good memories.
posted by bquarters at 1:24 PM on September 12, 2011

On preview, IAmBroom is totally correct.
posted by bquarters at 1:25 PM on September 12, 2011

men are human beings. they have feelings. to call someone a liar is a very, very strong accusation. I cannot speak for him, but I think I would be very put off by someone calling me a liar. I would be concerned that the person would not think about my feelings.

This.

I would assume he saw your angry, accusatory comment, in such an early stage of dating, as a red flag.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother getting back in touch with him. You've already burned that bridge. In the future, I recommend being more sensitive and open-minded toward men if you're interested in being in a relationship with one of them.
posted by John Cohen at 1:36 PM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

For whatever it's worth, I would have also assumed that he was primarily looking for sex, because if someone asked for my number without even talking to me first, my looks are the only thing that could possibly have attracted them. And to me, someone who is going around getting people's numbers based ONLY on their looks is probably not in the mindset of looking for someone to be in a serious relationship with.

Same for the LDR thing. How could you know that you wanted to commit to an LDR (or ANY kind of R) with someone you didn't even know as a person? I'm sure some people are willing to jump into that sort of commitment, but I think most people just aren't so I would also find it unlikely that that was for real.

So I don't think you're at all crazy for thinking that and I don't think it's just some manifestation of issues you have. I think he probably would have faded anyway, BUT I think you really went wrong by flipping out and asking him if he was a liar. That comes off as escalating things to a high level of harshness out of nowhere. Not only that, now he can feel justified when he fades out, and tell himself that he's doing it because you are rude and crazy. I don't think it really matters tho, as I said, I think he would have faded out no matter what you had done.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:37 PM on September 12, 2011 [8 favorites]

Why would a guy say such things and then not pursue?

I asked a guy why he did this. He was known for having these brief "romantic episodes" with multiple women (at once) where he said all sorts of really romantic things, expressed love and commitment, promised MAJOR things he didn't intend to actually do, etc. These episodes ended with the women blindsided and stunned.

He gave various reasons:

-He was drunk and didn't remember
-The women proposed these things and he just went along with it to not hurt their feelings
-He felt like they had this hole in their lives and he was filling it for them and making them happy.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:43 PM on September 12, 2011 [8 favorites]

(But I think the real reason was that he just enjoyed the emotional high, drama and excitement of these things but didn't want the actual relationship or commitment)
posted by Ashley801 at 1:45 PM on September 12, 2011 [9 favorites]

I probably would have gotten irritated, too.

Maybe his intentions are great but with follow-through this inconsistent, that doesn't really matter, does it?

I mean, why would he even promise to call every day if his life is such that he sometimes is too busy to respond to a text? Why would he promise to call every day in the first place?

At best, he has a hard time being realistic about his own desires and abilities. I know some really great people who have the infuriating habit of making Big Serious Commitments like this because they think it's what they SHOULD do. They don't think about whether they want to do it, or will do it, they just make the promise because they don't want to be a player, or to avoid a fight.

As you can imagine, they leave behind quite a trail of broken hearts.
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:47 PM on September 12, 2011

If I'm interpreting your timeline correctly - and correct me if I'm wrong - it took three days from the time you saw him to your accusing him of being a liar? That's fast. Way too fast. You wanted reassurance and that's understandable, but badgering someone for reassurance will backfire, always. It sounds like your liar text was a desperate "geez, something's got to be wrong so just come out with it already" move, and those never end well, whether or not anything is wrong.

It's a common mistake, especially if you're inexperienced or insecure with relationships. But, yeah, it can look crazy to the other person.

Call the guy and apologize for calling him a liar; explain that you've been hurt before and it wasn't fair to assume the worst about him. If the conversation doesn't go well, it's not wise to pursue things any further. But if it does, proceed a little more slowly. Let him come to you, let him earn your trust. Avoid arriving at any conclusions early, whether they're "he's the one" or "he's a liar." He might be a player, or he might be genuine. You probably didn't have enough information to call it yet.

Here's how to avoid it in the future: when you meet a new guy, tell yourself it's okay to let him go, to let things fail. Give yourself permission to reject or be rejected. You'll be okay! You'll enjoy dating more if you can keep things in the moment without anticipating how it will all end. And your ability to sense dealbreakers and red flags will be keener.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:50 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

And I should point this out--there are plenty of guys out there who feel really GUILTY AND BAD about casual sex, feel like they are using or objectifying the woman, feel like they are going to hurt her feelings...so at any hint at all from her that she might possibly want a relationship they feel obligated to jump in and be a chivalrous and romantic gentleman, even if that was not their original intention.

This is weird to experience, especially if you are genuinely okay with a casual encounter, because you will get insanely mixed signals and overreactions of the sort you're describing.
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:54 PM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Well, you were right to be skeptical, because it's really not believable that somebody who barely knows you and lives far away would be ready to make that much of a commitment that quickly.

Trouble is, he insisted on overriding your skepticism with tons of unsolicited promises of something more serious. The nature of the thing means you couldn't help but get your hopes up.

Yes it is terrible to call someone a liar, but if someone insists on stirring up strong emotions in you (the puzzlement of mixed messages and incongruence will do that) they really shouldn't be surprised when you express them. Calling someone a liar? Diplomatic faux pas. Expressing strong emotion? Well yeah, pardon you for living.

Is he a liar? Maybe to himself first, and you second.
posted by tel3path at 2:00 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well what exactly did you say to him? Assuming you weren't downright abusive I don't think calling him a liar is what made him fizzle. The truth is if he were really into you, this wouldn't stop him. I think your instincts about him were right.
posted by timsneezed at 2:02 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I can’t really figure out if he is a douche
He's a douche.

or if I am a crazy,
Not to me.

I want to trust my gut,
Do so.

which says he was messing with me,
Yep.

but I don't know.
Yes you do.

Why would a guy say such things and then not pursue?
Because he's a player.

Did I scare him because I called him and I didn’t give an opportunity?
Might be part of it, but mostly I think if anything scared him it's that you were holding him to what he'd said to you while you were rolling around in bed with him.

Was I trying too hard and being too cynical at the same time?
Nope.

Should I have a conversation with him, or just let it go?
Let it go.


As I read your story it sure sounded familiar. A thousand years ago -- my wasted youth -- I was a player; I'd gotten my feelings hurt in a marriage and a divorce and I wanted to spread that pain around some, and I did so. I wasn't good looking as your latest, nor had fistfuls of money or anything, just mostly that I learned to push on all the doors as I walked down the hallways, knowing that some of them would open, and when they did open I walked through them, smiling and talking.

I don't think you're going to hear from him, in any case I don't think you want to; best case is that he's confused about what he wants and you're getting caught up in that, worst case is that he's just a gamer and having "fun". I suspect he's bouncing around between those two -- I know I was, lo those long years gone by -- but no need for you to get caught in the fallout as he sorts himself out, or, rather, as life sorts him out, which it absolutely will, rest assured.

Walk away, head high, you had some fun, leave it there. Maybe consider moving somewhere where there is a better ratio of women to men...
posted by dancestoblue at 2:08 PM on September 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

And to me, someone who is going around getting people's numbers based ONLY on their looks is probably not in the mindset of looking for someone to be in a serious relationship with.

And also probably propositions a ton of people since there are many physically attractive people...
posted by timsneezed at 2:10 PM on September 12, 2011

I once went on a date with someone I met online. It was perfectly pleasant and I liked her company. Nothing physical happened, just plans for a 2nd date. At the end of the second date, she asked me if I wanted to walk home with her, and i said no, i was just going to get on the subway b/c i had an early day the next day (which was true). She texted me later that night to say "why didn't you walk me home? I'm not into playing games." I just didnt' write back and there was no third date. That early was too early for meto deal with any level of bullshit or craziness from either party -- I didn't need to be in a situation after 2 dates of having to justify not walking someone home.

Interesting. If I were in that woman's shoes I'd probably also assume you weren't interested and I might have been tempted to send a similar text. It's kind of rude not to walk a woman home late at night if she asks to be, whether you're interested or not.
posted by timsneezed at 2:12 PM on September 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

I once went on a date with someone I met online. It was perfectly pleasant and I liked her company. Nothing physical happened, just plans for a 2nd date. At the end of the second date, she asked me if I wanted to walk home with her, and i said no, i was just going to get on the subway b/c i had an early day the next day (which was true). She texted me later that night to say "why didn't you walk me home? I'm not into playing games." I just didnt' write back and there was no third date. That early was too early for meto deal with any level of bullshit or craziness from either party -- I didn't need to be in a situation after 2 dates of having to justify not walking someone home.

Are you leaving out the part where you shagged her and also told her you really really wanted a LTR with her and would call her every day? Because if not, the stories don't really compare.
posted by tel3path at 2:34 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't think your text was that big of a deal - and if he were so into you then you'd have been at the point where he could write back and say whoa, what's up with that? Unless your text was really vicious, just saying "liar" is not that big of a deal.

Talk to him about it - I'd say write a short email that apologizes, tell him it's hard for you to trust and you didn't mean to jump to conclusions, and you'd still like to give it a shot if he would. And then see what he says and take it from there.

Respect what your gut says but keep an open mind.
posted by mrs. taters at 2:55 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

He sounds like he is into the drama at best, and a player at worst. But, if a woman communicated with me in the way you did with him, I'd figure she was seriously high maintenance and probably kind of nuts. An accusation of being a liar because of one or two missed calls? That screams "run away" to me.
posted by Forktine at 2:57 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

I can't really tell if this situation is similar to somethinf I did in my youth. I had a job that involved lots of travel to remote places. I was the guy that replaced your Visa card when your wallet fell into the outhouse in Nairobi.

There'd be nice, lonely women with cultural similarities. Peace Corps, AID, relief NGOs, etc.

I almost slept with one of them in Guatemala and meant all the best. You're the one, let's make this work, etcetera. 5 days later, I was in Sri Lanka, trapped in a combat zone. It was 42 days before I could recharge the satellite phone. Everything changed. There were 3 increasingly angry messages from the lady. I called her and had to hold the phone a foot away from my ear before she hung up on me. She called me a player.

I've never been a player. Talk to the guy.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:03 PM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

I agree with the others who said that he's probably mad that you called him a liar. He didn't respond to a text? Maybe he was busy, and you immediately thought the worst and insulted him...big red flag.

What do you want from this situation? Do you want to keep seeing him? If so, call him (don't text...lame and subject to misinterpretation), apologize for how you acted earlier, and say that you'd like to keep in touch and see how things go. If you're not interested or you think the distance thing will drive you crazy, then don't contact him and move on.
posted by emd3737 at 3:10 PM on September 12, 2011

He was doing all the things you wanted, but you didn't trust his intentions, and you let him know that. What did you expect would happen?

Having said that, LDRs are hard. Now you know that you want a guy like that, but whom you can trust. So now you know what to look for!
posted by davejay at 3:56 PM on September 12, 2011

I think it got way too intense, way too quickly, and he was trying to back off for a bit. Maybe call up, apologize for calling him out, and ask to meet up again?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:51 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have been around a while.

If you text a guy who professes to be wild about you and he doesnt contact you back, he isnt wild about you.

If he doesnt INITIATE contact with you for more than a week, he isnt wild about you.

Lets face it, he got what he wanted out of the relationship, and in some way so did you. Your initial wariness and impressions were correct.

At least better to be done with it now than to stretch it out. No way can work.

Good luck going forward.
posted by jcworth at 8:08 PM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

I've been in similar situations and I think your initial impressions were correct. Ok, maybe asking him if he was a liar was not a good idea, but I think it just shortened the inevitable. These kinds of guys (players) are into the girl until they get called on their shit they're out of there. They don't want any drama.
posted by bearette at 9:00 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

I think he's probably a douche, but it's hard to say for sure.

I do think the accusatory text after two days of not responding to one chatty text, if I have this right, would seem like a huge red flag to him even if he weren't a douche.

I would not try to contact him. If he contacts you, then you can have a conversation.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:11 PM on September 12, 2011

I'm more concerned with the fact that your are so lonely in such a backwoods place you live in (Foreign=/=no relationships) that you literally jumped at this opportunity. It's the classic "Men have to make all the running while we women just sit back and mistrust their intentions" The way you describe it, I don't think you really wanted to sleep with the guy but you were so desperate to not lose this one-time opportunity that you did and the anger you expressed in calling him a liar was shame and defensiveness. I put out so he better be worth every romantic image I have of him in my head or else!
Seriously you sound very young and very lonely and neither of these thibgs will get you the expereince or expertise to be in a healthy 2 way respecful relationship. So what can you do about your circumstances to get some more expereince? I mean, unless Foreign means Outer Mongolian or Antartic research station there are men around you. Even there!

where in the world is so remote and foreign that you can't reach out to individuals of your own age to establish a relationship??? A polygamous Mormon compound?

This relationshiop was aborted before it could start by both of you equally I feel. Let it be and look for something a bit closer to home.
posted by Wilder at 2:10 AM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

He might be a player. He might be genuine. If he's genuine, your actions made you look like crazy. And not erroneously - you've been suspicious the whole time, waiting for a reason to disbelieve him. For someone who already knows you well, they might know that you're worth slogging through that hostility. For someone you've only just met - why risk the time. effort, and money, when there are others who are both worth it, and not so hostile.

Let's say you meet someone else tomorrow, and this time the guy really is genuine. It would turn into a good thing, except that you're going to fuck it up, by assuming the worst.
So consider your options:
Chose to be untrusting, and never get hurt because you're never vulnerable.
Chose to be trusting (gullible even!) and take on the risk getting hurt, in exchange for being able to find love and happiness and the best people that there are.

You've been hurt, but you're strong, so take the strong path - be open, let people in, trust them before they're earned it, and if they turn out to be douches, well, kick them out, lick the wound, shrug it off, and move on, find someone else.

You'll find someone genuine, who you couldn't find while in the mindset of assuming people are guilty until they demonstrate otherwise.

As to your current situation - call him and find out what's up. Call him with the assumption that he's genuine and you were too hard on him. Maybe he's a player and you're handing him a free "win", maybe you'll get played as direct result. Big deal. You chose to allow yourself to get played as a way to find the people who aren't players. You win in the end. You find your prize.
(And maybe... give yourself permission to enjoy the playing, despite its eventual revelation being shitty. So a guy turns out to be a douche and your high hopes for something genuine are dashed, that doesn't mean you didn't have a good time while he was being nice to you and (what turned out to be) trying desperately to get into your pants. So it wasn't the awesome thing you signed up for, but hopefully it was still at least a little bit fun? You don't need to feel bad about being taken for a ride if YOU made the CHOICE to let that happen, as a powerful way to accomplish YOUR goals - which is sifting the wheat from the chaff (and enjoying life while you do it))
posted by -harlequin- at 2:54 AM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

(I think part of the scarring horror of "getting played" is feeling like a fool, and feeling like that person made you a fool, and they got everything they wanted at your expense, and got off scott-free.
But some of that melts away when you know that you made a conscious decision to trust people knowing full well that they might use that trust to do that. But once you decide to give people your trust even though you know full well that they might abuse it, and you choose to give it anyway, you're no-longer anyone's fool, you're a risk taker. And someone who abuses that trust has simply revealed their true colours via a mechanism that you set up with the express purpose of achieving exactly that. The dashing of high hopes is still sucky, but you're no-one's fool, and you didn't "get played".)
posted by -harlequin- at 3:07 AM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

Music festivals are heightened environments. Things look a lot different when you get back home, to reality.

Like others are saying, take this time to ask yourself why you jumped in so deep. If you genuinely like someone and they genuinely like you, there's no reason to rush into the intensity. Save some for later, after you see what's really there. If what you want is casual sex, that's totally fine, but great relationships rarely begin with casual sex. Making the transition from 'we met with casual sex and now we're going to have a real relationship' is not at all easy and I can't think of really a single person I know for whom that kind of experience morphed into a solid long-term partnership.

Try some regular dating, online if need be, and don't rush in. Be clear about what you want and your boundaries.
posted by Miko at 6:14 AM on September 13, 2011

Ever hear the saying that when something seems too good to be true that it usually is?

I think that applies here. Don't beat yourself up over what you texted him.

I would simply move on.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:39 AM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]