I think I love my staff. Literally. Help.
September 10, 2011 9:17 AM Subscribe
How can I deal with romantic feelings towards an employee to maintain both my sanity and business?
For the sake of brevity and anonymity, I might have to be a bit vague here. Things go something like this. I am a single male in my early 30s. I run a small business and employee less than 10 staff. Over the past eight months or so, I have developed some sort of strange romantic infatuation with one of my employees who is Female, and about 4 years my junior, also single.
Firstly, I want to state that I fully acknowledge that deep down I know that this is me simply projecting onto this individual, and that nothing could ever come of these feelings. Furthermore, my work is probably the most important thing in my life, and never for a moment have I considered ever crossing any moral or ethical lines. If anything, I have purposely been distancing myself.
That said, the more that I try to ignore it, the more the feelings seem to intensify and even work their way into my subconscious, especially through dreams. I definitely fall somewhere on the OCD spectrum, so this isn't a surprise, however these feelings have sort of sprung from nowhere, as they were definitely not present when I initially hired this individual, rather have grown over time. Whether or not there has been any sort of flirtation present is something that I really have no idea about, as I could easily be misreading the whole situation.
I feel a bit stuck here, because I think it would be irresponsible to confront the matter with this person, as at the very least, it would risk me losing the respect of both a very valuable employee, and probably the rest of my staff. At the same time, I am very sensitive about giving this person special treatment and/or having my judgement clouded and being able to do my job properly.
To that end, I am canvassing the green to see if anyone else has ever been in a similar position, or even has any anecdotal story about something along these lines, I would be most curious to hear.
Thanks!
For the sake of brevity and anonymity, I might have to be a bit vague here. Things go something like this. I am a single male in my early 30s. I run a small business and employee less than 10 staff. Over the past eight months or so, I have developed some sort of strange romantic infatuation with one of my employees who is Female, and about 4 years my junior, also single.
Firstly, I want to state that I fully acknowledge that deep down I know that this is me simply projecting onto this individual, and that nothing could ever come of these feelings. Furthermore, my work is probably the most important thing in my life, and never for a moment have I considered ever crossing any moral or ethical lines. If anything, I have purposely been distancing myself.
That said, the more that I try to ignore it, the more the feelings seem to intensify and even work their way into my subconscious, especially through dreams. I definitely fall somewhere on the OCD spectrum, so this isn't a surprise, however these feelings have sort of sprung from nowhere, as they were definitely not present when I initially hired this individual, rather have grown over time. Whether or not there has been any sort of flirtation present is something that I really have no idea about, as I could easily be misreading the whole situation.
I feel a bit stuck here, because I think it would be irresponsible to confront the matter with this person, as at the very least, it would risk me losing the respect of both a very valuable employee, and probably the rest of my staff. At the same time, I am very sensitive about giving this person special treatment and/or having my judgement clouded and being able to do my job properly.
To that end, I am canvassing the green to see if anyone else has ever been in a similar position, or even has any anecdotal story about something along these lines, I would be most curious to hear.
Thanks!
find someone else to pour your energies in to. go on dates, kiss on someone new.
and you are absolutely correct. you should not bring it up to your employee.
posted by nadawi at 9:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
and you are absolutely correct. you should not bring it up to your employee.
posted by nadawi at 9:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
Depending on who you are, it might (just might) help to know more about her. If you know that she's got a life independent of your infatuated fantasy of her, it could help you to see her as just another real person who works for you. That might be especially true if you knew she was seeing someone else, or not into guys, or whatever. Ie knowing she already has a love life that doesn't involve you could be the slap in the face with a cold dead fish that you really need right now.
That said, if you're the sort of guy who's going to get all upset that your fantasy is being disrupted by reality, or jealous that the object of your infatuation is already in a relationship or something, then it's probably best not to seek out that sort of knowledge.
Do you know yourself well enough to be able to work that one out?
posted by Ahab at 9:42 AM on September 10, 2011
That said, if you're the sort of guy who's going to get all upset that your fantasy is being disrupted by reality, or jealous that the object of your infatuation is already in a relationship or something, then it's probably best not to seek out that sort of knowledge.
Do you know yourself well enough to be able to work that one out?
posted by Ahab at 9:42 AM on September 10, 2011
Keep in mind that by "distancing yourself" (especially) from this person and being "very sensitive about giving this person special treatment" you have already disrupted a normal working relationship with her that is, at a basic level, unfair.
I deeply empathize with your situation and think it is healthy to be communicating about it, but I agree that objective, third party help is warranted--touch base with a therapist, try something new and exciting, make a concerted effort--one that requires emotional energy on your part--to reach out to friends. This will help you rebalance where your energies are going and give something back to YOU. Unrequited relationships put the focus on the energy you put into it, which is draining (in this case--I recently commented on healthy crushes, but this isn't where you are). You need to invest in stuff that feels good that gives back to you.
I have been on the other side of this situation with a very well meaning superior who had been distancing himself and it is confusing and made the work I did much harder because I was doing it in what felt like an insecure environment. Take care to figure out what needs you have that aren't being met and put a lot of energy into meeting them so that you can give her the support she will need as a professional.
Good luck, you have all of my hope that this marks the beginning of some really good stuff.
posted by rumposinc at 9:50 AM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
I deeply empathize with your situation and think it is healthy to be communicating about it, but I agree that objective, third party help is warranted--touch base with a therapist, try something new and exciting, make a concerted effort--one that requires emotional energy on your part--to reach out to friends. This will help you rebalance where your energies are going and give something back to YOU. Unrequited relationships put the focus on the energy you put into it, which is draining (in this case--I recently commented on healthy crushes, but this isn't where you are). You need to invest in stuff that feels good that gives back to you.
I have been on the other side of this situation with a very well meaning superior who had been distancing himself and it is confusing and made the work I did much harder because I was doing it in what felt like an insecure environment. Take care to figure out what needs you have that aren't being met and put a lot of energy into meeting them so that you can give her the support she will need as a professional.
Good luck, you have all of my hope that this marks the beginning of some really good stuff.
posted by rumposinc at 9:50 AM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
It may be that, if you see a counselor/therapist, you might discover a way, together, to figure out whether this relationship might evolve -- and how to do that safely. It sounds a little to me like you really respect this person, and, while it may be that what you're experiencing isn't healthy, it may be that there's a way to move forward tastefully and while minimizing risk -- but you really, really need a smart person on your side (i.e. therapist) to help you with this.
posted by amtho at 10:23 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 10:23 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might want to spend some time analyzing your dreams. Since you mentioned projecting, maybe there is something within yourself you need to work out. If you're at all interested in dream analysis, Inner Work by Robert Johnson is a great book.
posted by icanbreathe at 10:45 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by icanbreathe at 10:45 AM on September 10, 2011
Two of my best friends met in circumstances exactly like this. They ended up getting married and having a wonderful life together. People meet each other at work, you would just have to be very very careful because of the power dynamics at play. I second getting to know her a little better. It will either kill the infatuation or let you know if this is something worth pursuing.
posted by arcticwoman at 11:08 AM on September 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by arcticwoman at 11:08 AM on September 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
Firstly, I want to state that I fully acknowledge that deep down I know that this is me simply projecting onto this individual, and that nothing could ever come of these feelings.
Why? People meet and date at work all the time. The supervisor-employee dynamic can be tricky if things turn romantic, but it is not something you have to rule out. I tend to think that love should come before work, so if there's something good between you and her, it's not bad or wrong to explore it. I've been in a situation very similar to what you describe, and I am still dating the woman.
posted by jayder at 11:33 AM on September 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Why? People meet and date at work all the time. The supervisor-employee dynamic can be tricky if things turn romantic, but it is not something you have to rule out. I tend to think that love should come before work, so if there's something good between you and her, it's not bad or wrong to explore it. I've been in a situation very similar to what you describe, and I am still dating the woman.
posted by jayder at 11:33 AM on September 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
this isn't merely dating someone at work. this is someone who runs (owns?) a business that employs less than a dozen people. love might come before work, but a passing infatuation probably isn't worth potentially losing your company over.
posted by nadawi at 11:47 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 11:47 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, it's not really fair to the OP's employee to put her in a position where she'd have to shoot her boss down. That could totally fuck someone up, no matter how many outs he tries to give her.
Nthing first two answers - a real relationship would help a lot.
posted by kavasa at 1:18 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Nthing first two answers - a real relationship would help a lot.
posted by kavasa at 1:18 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Would she be really difficult to relace, or do you know anyone you could recommend her to for another position? If she was lured away for a better job, you could have a congratulatory dinner, and then who knows...
posted by kate4914 at 3:03 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by kate4914 at 3:03 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
It may be that, if you see a counselor/therapist, you might discover a way, together, to figure out whether this relationship might evolve
The OP is this person's boss. There is no non-skeezy way for this "relationship" to evolve.
posted by ook at 4:32 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
The OP is this person's boss. There is no non-skeezy way for this "relationship" to evolve.
posted by ook at 4:32 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Would she be really difficult to relace, or do you know anyone you could recommend her to for another position? If she was lured away for a better job, you could have a congratulatory dinner, and then who knows...
Wow, yeah, manage her out and then hit on her! That is probably the worst advice I have ever seen on AskMe. Please don't do that. In fact, do the opposite of that.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 6:32 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Wow, yeah, manage her out and then hit on her! That is probably the worst advice I have ever seen on AskMe. Please don't do that. In fact, do the opposite of that.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 6:32 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Note that you may lose her respect by distancing yourself from her. She might start to freak out about her job performance, depending on how you handle it.
"Firstly, I want to state that I fully acknowledge that deep down I know that this is me simply projecting onto this individual, and that nothing could ever come of these feelings." is something you really need to ask yourself questions about.
Why are you projecting? What is she to you? And why could nothing ever come of those feelings?
Answer those first.
If you genuinely want to pursue a relationship with her I think you should and that you're her boss isn't really an issue if you're both adults about it. It will take some careful handling if you go down that path and there are no guarantees.
But if she's merely some idealized concept or fantasy, process all the things you like about her and deliberately go and find those qualities in someone else. Maybe she's not the one that you really want, maybe she's just telling you she's the kind of person you should find outside of the office.
posted by mleigh at 9:10 PM on September 10, 2011
"Firstly, I want to state that I fully acknowledge that deep down I know that this is me simply projecting onto this individual, and that nothing could ever come of these feelings." is something you really need to ask yourself questions about.
Why are you projecting? What is she to you? And why could nothing ever come of those feelings?
Answer those first.
If you genuinely want to pursue a relationship with her I think you should and that you're her boss isn't really an issue if you're both adults about it. It will take some careful handling if you go down that path and there are no guarantees.
But if she's merely some idealized concept or fantasy, process all the things you like about her and deliberately go and find those qualities in someone else. Maybe she's not the one that you really want, maybe she's just telling you she's the kind of person you should find outside of the office.
posted by mleigh at 9:10 PM on September 10, 2011
From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anonymous:
I manage a small department and I ran into a similar situation. My case, at its root, is the fact that the employee is very much a 20-years-younger version of my wife in personality and attitude. I totally recognized it from the beginning, but that didn't stop feelings from peeking out from time to time. It didn't help that we had a lot in common, as her similarity to my wife would indicate, so we were quite friendly. Professional, nothing inappropriate or romantic, but friendly.posted by jessamyn at 9:38 PM on September 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
Definitely do not "confront the matter with this person". Remember, as you've acknowledged, most of what's happening is you projecting on her. Until SHE makes some direct and unmistakeable romantic gesture towards you, there's nothing to address or confront. Remember, to her, you're her older boss who has control over whether or not she keeps her job and you hand her a paycheck twice a month. She doesn't see you the way you see her, or at least you won't know that until she actually expresses something first. You might be secretly hoping that if you confront the matter she will enthusiastically say, "yes, oh yes, I have the same feelings!", but that's unlikely.
The problem is that the things she has to do to treat you as a supervisor and a coworker feed this imagined infatuation. She follows your orders without complaint or argument. She's friendly and polite and maybe makes jokes when you two talk. She makes eye contact, and stands closer than other people do during public interactions. She's apologetic and self-corrective when she screws something up and doesn't accuse you of affecting or causing it. She confides in you when she has a problem, or a conflict with a coworker, or needs something she can't take care of herself. To you, who has that little licking flame of infatuation inside you, this feels like "oh boy, she really likes me!" but, really, that's how most employees treat their boss to avoid getting fired. You do what your boss tells you to do, you bring problems bigger than you to your boss, and you present yourself as friendly and helpful to your boss so he values you as an employee. The body language and subtext can read very differently if you're viewpoint is colored by other emotions. You're interpreting her behavior as reciprocating your romantic feelings, which is why you think there's a reason to discuss her behavior with her. To "confronting the matter" is to tell her that politely treating you like a sympathetic manager is to express romantic intent, a totally confusing and wrong conversation to have with a subordinate.
As you've said, you recognize that much of this is only going on in your head: this is an excellent start. Telling fantasy from reality will help keep you sane, and prevent you from doing anything inappropriate. Lots of people develop crushes on the baristas and bank tellers and supermarket cashiers in their lives and they go on without any sort of moral self-loathing or conflict. It happens. However, you're really close to the object of your fantasy, and it can really screw up your life if you mix up the fantasy with the reality. If you're geeky, remember that Star Trek TNG episode where Geordi made a holodeck version of a famous scientist who was friendly and flirty, then met the real hardnosed and annoying scientist who got skeeved out by the holodeck version. That's what you've got going on here, and the more likely the real person is going to bump into the holodeck version, the harder maintaining a fantasy will be.
I have an attractive customer who touches my arm when talking to me and asks really personal questions during small-talk. I totally know that's her personality and she's not really flirting, but under the guise of anonymity I freely admit fantasizing about doing all sort of naughty things with that customer. I see her maybe once every other month for a few minutes, so there's little chance of me mistaking fantasy-her for real-her. I can compartmentalize a little barista-crush on her and be OK with myself.
My employee? No, no no no no no. Much, much too close to entertain holding on to the fantasies. Too much of a chance the real-world employee will bump into the imaginary version of her that I carry around in my head. I had to put a stop to the chance of accidentally acting on fantasy-employee's behavior.
I do not claim to have solved the situation, not at all. The fact that she found a job in her degree field and moved on ultimately solved the issue by removing the source. Up until then, during the four years she worked for me, my stopgap fix for those inappropriate feelings was to hold on to 'fantasy-breakers'. As Ahab mentioned, a reality check will help interfere with the fantasy-employee you're infatuated with. My employee could be a bit of a jerk to other employees if she was having a bad day, so that's what I held on to. I remember a meeting when she was written up for her behavior, with HR in the room, where she enthusiastically explained why everybody else deserved her jerky behavior. By recognizing and acknowledging that the real-world employee is totally not the fantasy-employee, I was able to temper those inappropriate feelings for the most part.
I know this is way long, but you wanted anecdotes, so I'll try and summarize. First, remember that what you're feeling is unlikely to be real; you find her attractive, so you're interpreting normal inter-management or inter-employee interactions as her reciprocating romantic feelings. Try and find something which will ground you back to reality when interacting with her, which will diffuse your worries about treating her according to your fantasy and not the reality. How you handle the things inside your head is yours to deal with - don't feed the fantasy if you don't think you can keep it corralled.
On other people's perceptions of preferential treatment: employees, in general, gossip and theorize all sorts of this stuff when nothing is actually present. You, however, are going to be super-sensitive because you carry around the fantasy of such things in your head, but you need to ground yourself in reality there. At a place I previously worked, there was all sort of talk and accusation about the female head of Marketing sleeping with one of her sales guys. Those same gossipers also regularly gossiped about how that same sales guy was gay (They weren't; he was). Don't isolate yourself from the employee as a way to control the gossip. Remember she sees you as her boss, not a romantic partner, and may construe your ignoring her as proof she's a bad employee. If you're not acting out on your fantasy, there's nothing for people to interpret. That won't necessarily stop them from gossiping about you, though. Employees gossip about other employee's real and imagined inappropriate behavior or failings as a way to bolster themselves, so don't get too embedded in fear of perception of preferential treatment.
nadawi: "this isn't merely dating someone at work. this is someone who runs (owns?) a business that employs less than a dozen people. love might come before work, but a passing infatuation probably isn't worth potentially losing your company over" [emphasis mine]
This, a million times, this. Coming from the other side of a similar situation, I really REALLY wish someone had smacked one of my previous bosses upside the head with this.
posted by MuChao at 9:45 PM on September 10, 2011
This, a million times, this. Coming from the other side of a similar situation, I really REALLY wish someone had smacked one of my previous bosses upside the head with this.
posted by MuChao at 9:45 PM on September 10, 2011
I'm gonna say you need to focus on becoming comfortable with your feelings of attraction. All this running away from these feelings just intensifies the need for them to be expressed. Allow yourself to have them but focus on just experiencing them rather than doing anything about them. Don't try to not favor her and obviously don't declare your love for her. Teach yourself to just sit with the feeling of attraction.
It will start fading soon thereafter.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2011
It will start fading soon thereafter.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2011
One thing that makes relationships like this difficult, is that they will retrospectively seem like a terrible idea if they don't work out, and they will retrospectively seem like a good idea if they do work out, a difficulty amplified by the possibility of screwing up a work situation. It would suck to not be able to get away from the person (short of her leaving her job) if the relationship ends badly. But then again, I read about relationships that start very weirdly, for example, two people who start an affair with each other while they are married to other people, they divorce their current spouses and marry each other, and they live happily ever after. Happens all the time. That doesn't mean that those people would have met with a chorus of approval had they run it past AskMe when they were in the early, cheating-on-their-spouses stage of the relationship. The fact that AskMe wouldn't have liked it, does not mean it was a mistake for them to do it.
Good relationships start in all kinds of ways. It is just part of life that you can't know up front whether it will be a success or be a disaster. I understand the position of people who urge you to steer clear of this potential relationship, and in fact, perhaps they have statistics on their side in the sense that any one relationship is likely NOT to work out. But I don't think your attraction to this woman ought to be dismissed out of hand, nor do I think you are correct as dismissing it as "projection." I think calling attraction a "projection" is kind of a standard, boilerplate way that people dismiss attractions that they do not approve of morally, and is not necessarily true in this case at all. You're around this person a lot, why can't you just say you are legitimately attracted to her, without dismissing it with a lot of "projection" mumbo-jumbo?
posted by jayder at 9:52 AM on September 11, 2011
Good relationships start in all kinds of ways. It is just part of life that you can't know up front whether it will be a success or be a disaster. I understand the position of people who urge you to steer clear of this potential relationship, and in fact, perhaps they have statistics on their side in the sense that any one relationship is likely NOT to work out. But I don't think your attraction to this woman ought to be dismissed out of hand, nor do I think you are correct as dismissing it as "projection." I think calling attraction a "projection" is kind of a standard, boilerplate way that people dismiss attractions that they do not approve of morally, and is not necessarily true in this case at all. You're around this person a lot, why can't you just say you are legitimately attracted to her, without dismissing it with a lot of "projection" mumbo-jumbo?
posted by jayder at 9:52 AM on September 11, 2011
I think it would be irresponsible to confront the matter with this person
It would indeed be a terrible idea to bring it up just to get it out in the open or clear the air or some such reason -- that would expose you to all the likely problems of the situation without any of the potential upside.
If you're going to act at all on your feelings, then do it normally and cautiously with a series of socially acceptable invitations following a conservative pattern of progression. If you're not going to do that, don't bring it up at all.
I can see why don't bring it up at all seems like the sensible option. You would need to find some way to make it clear that your invitations were more than collegial, and simultaneously make it clear that there are no carrots or sticks attached. That's a skill level I don't know I'd trust myself to manage, and the risks to your business and her career and both of your day-to-day work lives are real. Plus the power dynamic means any response she might have -- feeling threatened, flattered, or conflicted -- is likely to be magnified even if she doesn't worry that her status at work is on the line.
But that said: people do navigate this stuff. Sometimes only well enough to keep work from being miserable when the relationship doesn't go anywhere, sometimes well enough things actually work out. If what you know of her character and your own bodes well for avoiding disaster if things don't play well, and you think there's potential for something good, you might spend as much time thinking about how to make a graceful opening as how to live with it (as well as a graceful retreat if you're refused).
If that seems risky, I don't blame you, and other advice in the thread may serve you well. I would add that if you know you fall on the OCD spectrum and know you might have some more difficulty with your feelings than usual, you might look into reading about or talking with a professional about CBT/DBT.
Remember, to her, you're her older boss who has control over whether or not she keeps her job and you hand her a paycheck twice a month.
Older? The asker said the age difference is around four years. I agree that they paycheck-related dynamics are a potential minefield navigable only with great care (and with a lot of the other advice offered), but the age difference in this particular case is essentially negligible.
posted by weston at 5:51 PM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
It would indeed be a terrible idea to bring it up just to get it out in the open or clear the air or some such reason -- that would expose you to all the likely problems of the situation without any of the potential upside.
If you're going to act at all on your feelings, then do it normally and cautiously with a series of socially acceptable invitations following a conservative pattern of progression. If you're not going to do that, don't bring it up at all.
I can see why don't bring it up at all seems like the sensible option. You would need to find some way to make it clear that your invitations were more than collegial, and simultaneously make it clear that there are no carrots or sticks attached. That's a skill level I don't know I'd trust myself to manage, and the risks to your business and her career and both of your day-to-day work lives are real. Plus the power dynamic means any response she might have -- feeling threatened, flattered, or conflicted -- is likely to be magnified even if she doesn't worry that her status at work is on the line.
But that said: people do navigate this stuff. Sometimes only well enough to keep work from being miserable when the relationship doesn't go anywhere, sometimes well enough things actually work out. If what you know of her character and your own bodes well for avoiding disaster if things don't play well, and you think there's potential for something good, you might spend as much time thinking about how to make a graceful opening as how to live with it (as well as a graceful retreat if you're refused).
If that seems risky, I don't blame you, and other advice in the thread may serve you well. I would add that if you know you fall on the OCD spectrum and know you might have some more difficulty with your feelings than usual, you might look into reading about or talking with a professional about CBT/DBT.
Remember, to her, you're her older boss who has control over whether or not she keeps her job and you hand her a paycheck twice a month.
Older? The asker said the age difference is around four years. I agree that they paycheck-related dynamics are a potential minefield navigable only with great care (and with a lot of the other advice offered), but the age difference in this particular case is essentially negligible.
posted by weston at 5:51 PM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:22 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]