Eating disordered thinking is interfering with healthy habits. Without money for therapy, how can I cope?
September 10, 2011 12:48 AM Subscribe
Help. Eating disordered thinking is threatening to wreck my healthy habits.
I have a history of eating disorders. I’ve done a lot of work to get past it – I don’t exercise as punishment for eating anymore and quit dieting entirely. Instead of freaking out because I can’t fit into my old size, I buy clothes that actually fit. The full length mirrors and scale I used to torture myself with are gone and I really try to live by the principles of fat acceptance. Instead of judging myself on my appearance, I try to work on personal improvement instead. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way.
I’m under a lot of stress and have some RSI’s, so I’ve gone back to yoga to help cope. This is the first time I’ve really committed to exercising consistently since leaving the eating disorder behind. And it’s awesome! I love the feeling of competence and it’s really helping me learn to focus and reduce anxiety. It’s really important to me to make self-care a priority and leave the house on a regular basis while I’m dealing with unemployment and depression. I genuinely feel better when I go to yoga class, and for the first time in my life exercise feels nurturing. Except –
All of my old self-image & self-loathing issues from my eating disorder days are sneaking back. I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to focus on my body in the mirror for an hour every weekday. I see all the gorgeous, lithe people in class and my heart sinks to the floor. I know it’s not a competition, and it’s not about what I look like but I’m overcome by every last thing I feel is wrong with my body. Instead of watching for correct form, all I can see is my stomach hanging out or that my hips and thighs are disproportionately large compared to the rest of my body and I feel repulsive.
Rationally, I know all the reasons why this is crazy talk. Hell, I’m 45, otherwise mostly sedentary and eat whatever I want. Objectively, I look ok. Emotionally though... I want to starve myself, take diet pills, swear off carbs for eternity and rob the nearest bank to finance lipo. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I’ve worked too damn hard for disordered thinking to take this one good healthy thing away from me.
I know therapy is the main answer, and as soon as I have access to money, health insurance and decent medical care, IT’S ON. Until then -
Things I’m trying:
Positive self talk
Buying more flattering workout clothes
Focusing on what I can do, not how I look
Not wearing glasses and standing farther from the mirror
Keeping my eyes shut during practice
Things I won’t do:
Diet
Work out at home (I need the structure, discipline and community of a class)
Quit yoga
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO RIGHT NOW TO HELP STAVE OFF THE CRAZY?
tl;dr – Eating disordered thinking is interfering with healthy habits. Without money for therapy, how can I cope?
Please be kind. I know there are much bigger issues in the world, but everyone’s hardest struggle is their hardest struggle - and right now this is causing me an inordinate amount of grief. Thank you.
I have a history of eating disorders. I’ve done a lot of work to get past it – I don’t exercise as punishment for eating anymore and quit dieting entirely. Instead of freaking out because I can’t fit into my old size, I buy clothes that actually fit. The full length mirrors and scale I used to torture myself with are gone and I really try to live by the principles of fat acceptance. Instead of judging myself on my appearance, I try to work on personal improvement instead. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way.
I’m under a lot of stress and have some RSI’s, so I’ve gone back to yoga to help cope. This is the first time I’ve really committed to exercising consistently since leaving the eating disorder behind. And it’s awesome! I love the feeling of competence and it’s really helping me learn to focus and reduce anxiety. It’s really important to me to make self-care a priority and leave the house on a regular basis while I’m dealing with unemployment and depression. I genuinely feel better when I go to yoga class, and for the first time in my life exercise feels nurturing. Except –
All of my old self-image & self-loathing issues from my eating disorder days are sneaking back. I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to focus on my body in the mirror for an hour every weekday. I see all the gorgeous, lithe people in class and my heart sinks to the floor. I know it’s not a competition, and it’s not about what I look like but I’m overcome by every last thing I feel is wrong with my body. Instead of watching for correct form, all I can see is my stomach hanging out or that my hips and thighs are disproportionately large compared to the rest of my body and I feel repulsive.
Rationally, I know all the reasons why this is crazy talk. Hell, I’m 45, otherwise mostly sedentary and eat whatever I want. Objectively, I look ok. Emotionally though... I want to starve myself, take diet pills, swear off carbs for eternity and rob the nearest bank to finance lipo. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I’ve worked too damn hard for disordered thinking to take this one good healthy thing away from me.
I know therapy is the main answer, and as soon as I have access to money, health insurance and decent medical care, IT’S ON. Until then -
Things I’m trying:
Positive self talk
Buying more flattering workout clothes
Focusing on what I can do, not how I look
Not wearing glasses and standing farther from the mirror
Keeping my eyes shut during practice
Things I won’t do:
Diet
Work out at home (I need the structure, discipline and community of a class)
Quit yoga
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO RIGHT NOW TO HELP STAVE OFF THE CRAZY?
tl;dr – Eating disordered thinking is interfering with healthy habits. Without money for therapy, how can I cope?
Please be kind. I know there are much bigger issues in the world, but everyone’s hardest struggle is their hardest struggle - and right now this is causing me an inordinate amount of grief. Thank you.
Seconding Bella.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:12 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:12 AM on September 10, 2011
Oh, honey. Sending you lots of love right now. You're absolutely gorgeous and amazing, and I am in awe of the incredible work you've done and are doing.
Bella Sebastian said exactly what I was thinking, too: what about doing yoga at a studio without mirrors? The only times I've ever taken yoga with mirrors has been in a gym, and it made me feel some combination of nervous/hyper-aware/competitive that I don't feel in a non-mirrored setting.
Something else: find the thing in your own practice that you can always come back to that feels good. First: your breath -- always come back to your breath. Another thing that you might want to cultivate an awareness of are your arms/hands. Because of my weird joint/connective tissue issues, I am really inflexible in certain ways... so when I'm in a class and everyone else is doing incredible forward bends and I can't get anywhere near halfway down, I make sure instead that my arm and hand gestures are smooth and expressive. You might also want to experiment with some specific mudras.
Finally, a concept that I learned from my yoga teacher (fellow Mefite goalyeehah, who I'm going to summon to see if he'd like to weigh in as well!) that's always helped me in class and in my own life is "there's enough to go around." It helps me be mindful when I'm (incorrectly) looking at things as some sort of zero-sum game, in which the existence of someone else's ability/attribute/accomplishment/whatever feels like it necessarily detracts from mine. But it doesn't. There's enough to go around.
Drop me a line if you need to.
posted by scody at 1:21 AM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Bella Sebastian said exactly what I was thinking, too: what about doing yoga at a studio without mirrors? The only times I've ever taken yoga with mirrors has been in a gym, and it made me feel some combination of nervous/hyper-aware/competitive that I don't feel in a non-mirrored setting.
Something else: find the thing in your own practice that you can always come back to that feels good. First: your breath -- always come back to your breath. Another thing that you might want to cultivate an awareness of are your arms/hands. Because of my weird joint/connective tissue issues, I am really inflexible in certain ways... so when I'm in a class and everyone else is doing incredible forward bends and I can't get anywhere near halfway down, I make sure instead that my arm and hand gestures are smooth and expressive. You might also want to experiment with some specific mudras.
Finally, a concept that I learned from my yoga teacher (fellow Mefite goalyeehah, who I'm going to summon to see if he'd like to weigh in as well!) that's always helped me in class and in my own life is "there's enough to go around." It helps me be mindful when I'm (incorrectly) looking at things as some sort of zero-sum game, in which the existence of someone else's ability/attribute/accomplishment/whatever feels like it necessarily detracts from mine. But it doesn't. There's enough to go around.
Drop me a line if you need to.
posted by scody at 1:21 AM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey, thanks Bella. I'm in Palm Springs now (previously Los Angeles) and I've never been to a yoga studio or gym without mirrors. I've tried two studios here so far, and I'll keep looking. Maybe it's a Southern California thing? It seems to be standard in my experience.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:22 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Space Kitty at 1:22 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nthing bella and scody.....also, OA can provide support.
posted by brujita at 3:19 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by brujita at 3:19 AM on September 10, 2011
Focusing on what I can do, not how I look
If you can, when you can, focus on the breath, and the form, not so much what you can do. Focusing on what I can do is what I have learned to call Competitive YogaTM, or American YogaTM and of course there is no such thing, but there absolutely is such a thing in my head. It's total bs but it's what I've spent too much time in my practice doing, to the point that I've injured myself, badly. Twice. Unreal.
I practice Ashtanga, and at the beginning of each practice there is traditionally a chant, and I don't know what the words are, they're in another language, and I've read what they are and what they mean and it's beautiful and all but I don't give a rats ass about chanting words I don't know, so at the start of my practice, I use that time to thank the people ahead of me, who've given me this thing, which is so beautiful in my life, such a great thing. And I ask god -- I don't know what god is and I don't care, I just want to humble myself to it -- I ask god to help keep me in the breath, away from Competitive YogaTM, in the peace.
Absolutely take your glasses off. Get the hell away from the mirror, or turn away from it if you can, at the least get a few people between you and it.
It's a really good thing that you're determined not to allow this to take your practice from you. That takes real jam -- you've got courage. In a way, it'd be way easier to let the ED win, and take this away -- nunh-unh. You're standing straight up to it, telling it to fuck off -- I'm smiling over here, admiring you.
Thinking you good thoughts from Austin, early on a Saturday morning.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:36 AM on September 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
If you can, when you can, focus on the breath, and the form, not so much what you can do. Focusing on what I can do is what I have learned to call Competitive YogaTM, or American YogaTM and of course there is no such thing, but there absolutely is such a thing in my head. It's total bs but it's what I've spent too much time in my practice doing, to the point that I've injured myself, badly. Twice. Unreal.
I practice Ashtanga, and at the beginning of each practice there is traditionally a chant, and I don't know what the words are, they're in another language, and I've read what they are and what they mean and it's beautiful and all but I don't give a rats ass about chanting words I don't know, so at the start of my practice, I use that time to thank the people ahead of me, who've given me this thing, which is so beautiful in my life, such a great thing. And I ask god -- I don't know what god is and I don't care, I just want to humble myself to it -- I ask god to help keep me in the breath, away from Competitive YogaTM, in the peace.
Absolutely take your glasses off. Get the hell away from the mirror, or turn away from it if you can, at the least get a few people between you and it.
It's a really good thing that you're determined not to allow this to take your practice from you. That takes real jam -- you've got courage. In a way, it'd be way easier to let the ED win, and take this away -- nunh-unh. You're standing straight up to it, telling it to fuck off -- I'm smiling over here, admiring you.
Thinking you good thoughts from Austin, early on a Saturday morning.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:36 AM on September 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
If the mirrors are not on every wall is there anyway you can be at the back of the class as far away as possible. Maybe tell your teacher/trainer you find the mirrors distracting (they don't have to know why) and that you are going to face the opposite direction. If you have to look that way focus on the teacher and the trainer. Or even try and find a class with no mirrors.
Try and keep your focus on your body, how you feel, how great it is that this body that you are in can do this move or stretch this way. Focus on the feel of your muscles stretching on the stress leaving you. Everytime you start thinking bad things about yourself try and drag your thoughts back to how amazing your body is because it can do these moves. All without looking in the mirror. If you can't avoid the mirrors once you are in a pose, close your eyes and focus on your body, how strong it feels how great the muscles stretching feel.
I know its easy for me to say and that eating disorders are a serious problem that aren't cured with little snippets of my pop psychology and getting help once you get insurance would be my number one suggestion. But trying to turn a time where you are starting to hate on your body into a time where you try to celebrate how great it is, how strong and healthy it is because you can do these things.
posted by wwax at 4:56 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try and keep your focus on your body, how you feel, how great it is that this body that you are in can do this move or stretch this way. Focus on the feel of your muscles stretching on the stress leaving you. Everytime you start thinking bad things about yourself try and drag your thoughts back to how amazing your body is because it can do these moves. All without looking in the mirror. If you can't avoid the mirrors once you are in a pose, close your eyes and focus on your body, how strong it feels how great the muscles stretching feel.
I know its easy for me to say and that eating disorders are a serious problem that aren't cured with little snippets of my pop psychology and getting help once you get insurance would be my number one suggestion. But trying to turn a time where you are starting to hate on your body into a time where you try to celebrate how great it is, how strong and healthy it is because you can do these things.
posted by wwax at 4:56 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Do keep checking for other studios. I'm in L.A. and the only place I've practiced w/ a mirror is in a big box gym. (And I'm fat, too.) :)
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:43 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:43 AM on September 10, 2011
You might want to check out the Curvy Yoga website. It's run by a fat yoga teacher in Nashville, and has lots of resources for fat folk interested in yoga. She talk about her own challenges in the yoga world as a larger woman and gives good advice. There is also a directory of teachers who have classes specifically for "round bodies" (although I didn't see anyone in your area).. For me, one of the more freeing experiences ever was going to "plus-size" yoga which actually had people of all different sizes. There were mirrors but it was just a different experience when you see lots of other bodies like yours. It was also inspiring to see how people of all shapes and girths could (and did) excel in their yoga practice. It was a very body positive experience.
posted by kimdog at 7:25 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by kimdog at 7:25 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know this is not in the spirit of yoga, but have you tried thinking competitively in ways that have nothing to do with body shape/size? Like, "Hey, I'm lifting my leg higher than all those people in the front row", or "I held that pose without trembling while that person in front of me looked like she was struggling". Or just competing with yourself a lot. Maybe you need an outlet for your habit of comparing yourself to others, and maybe thinking about what your body can do rather than what it looks like would be a better approach for that.
posted by lollusc at 8:08 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by lollusc at 8:08 AM on September 10, 2011
I am on this. Will reply later today!
posted by goalyeehah at 8:44 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by goalyeehah at 8:44 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Meditation helps me be aware of my body from the inside rather than the outside. I highly recommend it. Also, you said the following:
>Please be kind.
And that is precisely a great thing to focus on in some meditation, quite often I would say: be kind to YOURSELF. Ask yourself how you can do it. Just focus on that question or the concept. I think this is valuable for many of us who feel beaten down by thoughts, perceptions, or even signals from society at large. Be actively kind to yourself. How does one do that? Basically, that is a worthwhile question to focus on answering. I find it really can turn things around.
posted by Listener at 10:35 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
>Please be kind.
And that is precisely a great thing to focus on in some meditation, quite often I would say: be kind to YOURSELF. Ask yourself how you can do it. Just focus on that question or the concept. I think this is valuable for many of us who feel beaten down by thoughts, perceptions, or even signals from society at large. Be actively kind to yourself. How does one do that? Basically, that is a worthwhile question to focus on answering. I find it really can turn things around.
posted by Listener at 10:35 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
be kind to YOURSELF.
Yes, absolutely yes, to everything Listener just said.
You mention that you're practicing positive self-talk. I'd suggest developing a good, pithy phrase/mantra designed to deploy specifically it at those moments in yoga class or similar settings, so that the very moment you notice your interior monologue turning self-loathing, you can put the brakes on it. It might really be as simple as be kind. Or it might work better for you as a descriptive statement: I am being kind to myself. Or a little bit of humor might lighten the mood best: be kind, rewind!
You get the idea. Arm yourself with compassion, so when you have to do battle with those pesky little inner demons, you're ready for 'em.
posted by scody at 10:45 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, absolutely yes, to everything Listener just said.
You mention that you're practicing positive self-talk. I'd suggest developing a good, pithy phrase/mantra designed to deploy specifically it at those moments in yoga class or similar settings, so that the very moment you notice your interior monologue turning self-loathing, you can put the brakes on it. It might really be as simple as be kind. Or it might work better for you as a descriptive statement: I am being kind to myself. Or a little bit of humor might lighten the mood best: be kind, rewind!
You get the idea. Arm yourself with compassion, so when you have to do battle with those pesky little inner demons, you're ready for 'em.
posted by scody at 10:45 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Send me the style of yoga you are doing and the teacher you are working with.
This topic has been covered and deserves repeating.
Change your environment.
If the teacher is not going to do this in a class, (Making you feel comfortable where you are) you are then going to have to take the step to change the environment yourself.
While the idea of yoga being non-competitive is sweet, to me it is also ridiculous. Yoga ceases being competitive when you either close your eyes, do a practice on your own or do one-on-one with a teacher. And even that is up for debate.
Yoga can be simplified this way.....
1) It makes you feel good.
2) It makes you feel comfortable in your body
I am guessing that those are the reasons why you love it. It was for me.
For me anything else is excessive. Excessive does not mean bad. But there tends to be the little trap of levels, standards of achievement, competing for teacher attention, perfecting a posture, etc. Because of who I was and my "look" I was asked to teach a lot of flow classes when I began teaching. I stopped immediately as I saw a lot of people in front of me who were beating themselves up in order to achieve something. I wasn't going to contribute to that.
A lot of how yoga presented today is about "what you can become" rather than "who you are."
Regarding your practicing....the best thing you can do is breathe and find a class that emphasizes ujayyi breathing or at least has breathing as a dominant aspect of the class. For me a key to dealing with inner dialogue is listening to the sound of your breath and guiding/making that sound be louder than the volume of the dialogue itself ( And yes, it is at a certain volume ) Words convince. Giving them a nonverbal sound that is both rhythmical and resonant literally "declutches" the words and gives them/you nothing to play off of. It then becomes pretty easy to settle into a nonverbal, feeling, and meditative state.
And about what scody said about "there is enough to go around" Some people may find that trite. It's something to think about. Most systems in play today seem to operate under the opposite perspective and have been doing so for a LONG time. The opposite seems to drive politics, religion, art and more. It's worth meditating on.
FWIW, I am a 48 yo male who has been doing yoga for 23 years (not as a spiritual practice. I did and do it for the 2 reason listed above) and teaching for 18 years. I also dealt with bulimic issues when I was a teenager.
posted by goalyeehah at 4:31 PM on September 11, 2011
This topic has been covered and deserves repeating.
Change your environment.
If the teacher is not going to do this in a class, (Making you feel comfortable where you are) you are then going to have to take the step to change the environment yourself.
While the idea of yoga being non-competitive is sweet, to me it is also ridiculous. Yoga ceases being competitive when you either close your eyes, do a practice on your own or do one-on-one with a teacher. And even that is up for debate.
Yoga can be simplified this way.....
1) It makes you feel good.
2) It makes you feel comfortable in your body
I am guessing that those are the reasons why you love it. It was for me.
For me anything else is excessive. Excessive does not mean bad. But there tends to be the little trap of levels, standards of achievement, competing for teacher attention, perfecting a posture, etc. Because of who I was and my "look" I was asked to teach a lot of flow classes when I began teaching. I stopped immediately as I saw a lot of people in front of me who were beating themselves up in order to achieve something. I wasn't going to contribute to that.
A lot of how yoga presented today is about "what you can become" rather than "who you are."
Regarding your practicing....the best thing you can do is breathe and find a class that emphasizes ujayyi breathing or at least has breathing as a dominant aspect of the class. For me a key to dealing with inner dialogue is listening to the sound of your breath and guiding/making that sound be louder than the volume of the dialogue itself ( And yes, it is at a certain volume ) Words convince. Giving them a nonverbal sound that is both rhythmical and resonant literally "declutches" the words and gives them/you nothing to play off of. It then becomes pretty easy to settle into a nonverbal, feeling, and meditative state.
And about what scody said about "there is enough to go around" Some people may find that trite. It's something to think about. Most systems in play today seem to operate under the opposite perspective and have been doing so for a LONG time. The opposite seems to drive politics, religion, art and more. It's worth meditating on.
FWIW, I am a 48 yo male who has been doing yoga for 23 years (not as a spiritual practice. I did and do it for the 2 reason listed above) and teaching for 18 years. I also dealt with bulimic issues when I was a teenager.
posted by goalyeehah at 4:31 PM on September 11, 2011
Response by poster: I've been doing better, but at yoga tonight I happened to catch a super unflattering look at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, "I'm Going To Love And Tolerate The Shit Out Of You" popped into my head (where 'you' = my stomach) and I completely cracked myself up.
I can't believe it but it actually helped.
The class I'm going to has the right combination of price, location and schedule so I'm going to continue to work on my own mindset until other opportunities come along. Thanks again for all your ideas and support!
posted by Space Kitty at 7:29 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can't believe it but it actually helped.
The class I'm going to has the right combination of price, location and schedule so I'm going to continue to work on my own mindset until other opportunities come along. Thanks again for all your ideas and support!
posted by Space Kitty at 7:29 PM on September 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Secondly, where are you taking yoga? Is it at a gym? I ask because I've never actually been to a yoga studio with mirrors in it--the half-dozen I've attended have all been mirror-free. My point is, yoga seems to be doing you good but mirrors seem to be doing you bad. Can you find another studio without mirrors? This may not treat the root cause but it could be a stopgap solution.
posted by Bella Sebastian at 12:57 AM on September 10, 2011 [8 favorites]