A bit down in the dumps...
September 7, 2011 3:57 PM Subscribe
[Messy-housemates-filter] You won't tidy up, but I'm not allowed to either?!
We recently emptied the wall shelves in our living room in order to clean them properly, and everything was piled onto the floor in a great jumbled mess: dusty old phone books, balled-up clothes, broken electronics, random bits of paper etc. Since I was the only one left in the house, I figured it was up to me to put everything back. I sorted the stuff into boxes, labelled them, and put them back up. Big mistake. When everyone got back, I was told off for interfering with how everything looks (apparently it doesn't look 'homely' any more), and that I really should compromise because I'm new here (I thought I did?? But no, it's not as messy as it used to be...)
Ok I'm hurt and confused. I love these guys, and do not regret choosing to live with them one bit, but seriously how do I handle future scenarios like this without completely losing it??
We recently emptied the wall shelves in our living room in order to clean them properly, and everything was piled onto the floor in a great jumbled mess: dusty old phone books, balled-up clothes, broken electronics, random bits of paper etc. Since I was the only one left in the house, I figured it was up to me to put everything back. I sorted the stuff into boxes, labelled them, and put them back up. Big mistake. When everyone got back, I was told off for interfering with how everything looks (apparently it doesn't look 'homely' any more), and that I really should compromise because I'm new here (I thought I did?? But no, it's not as messy as it used to be...)
Ok I'm hurt and confused. I love these guys, and do not regret choosing to live with them one bit, but seriously how do I handle future scenarios like this without completely losing it??
I used to have a roommate who would passive aggressively clean up other people's messes and then be a martyr about it. It doesn't sound like you're doing that, but if you think you might be coming off that way, try not to because it really made living with her pretty hard.
posted by geegollygosh at 4:10 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by geegollygosh at 4:10 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I... kind of don't understand what went down here. Everyone as a team took things off the shelves, none of which were your things, and then left the house? Did they say they weren't going to pick the stuff up or did they just go out to get pizza or something?
On preview, agreed that they don't like that the things were in boxes. In group living situations, you need to make sure people are happy with what you want to do with communal areas. They wanted to have stuff on the shelves, rather than boxes on the shelves. It's not a huge deal, just make sure you talk to your housemates before making a change to a communal area again.
posted by bedhead at 4:11 PM on September 7, 2011
On preview, agreed that they don't like that the things were in boxes. In group living situations, you need to make sure people are happy with what you want to do with communal areas. They wanted to have stuff on the shelves, rather than boxes on the shelves. It's not a huge deal, just make sure you talk to your housemates before making a change to a communal area again.
posted by bedhead at 4:11 PM on September 7, 2011
Response by poster: jsturgill: no, the boxes were empty ones standing in a corner. I was told they didn't belong to anyone in particular.
bedhead: they went away for various reasons (it's the holidays after all), but we had someone round to replace the carpet so I could let everything just sit there...
posted by fix at 4:18 PM on September 7, 2011
bedhead: they went away for various reasons (it's the holidays after all), but we had someone round to replace the carpet so I could let everything just sit there...
posted by fix at 4:18 PM on September 7, 2011
When you asked them what you should have done in order to make it look like a home but also to make sure that the carpet people could get at the carpet, what did they want you to have done?
posted by jeather at 4:25 PM on September 7, 2011
posted by jeather at 4:25 PM on September 7, 2011
Response by poster: jsturgill: sorry I misread your comment. Yeah it sort of makes sense now...though I still can't understand why people would want to look at shelves overstuffed with random dusty objects. It looks so tasteless and un-homely to me!
posted by fix at 4:26 PM on September 7, 2011
posted by fix at 4:26 PM on September 7, 2011
I've felt similar to your roommates when my partner has cleaned up my mess, and here's why: I don't know what you've done with my crap and it stresses me out that now I can't find anything because it's in a box or shoved into a big pile and plopped on my shelf/desk. I probably don't even know what's in that box/pile, whereas I remember that my book XYZ was on the arm of the couch and I last used my nail file in the downstairs bathroom and the letter from my mom was on the kitchen counter and that bill I needed to pay was by the front door...
I understand that things look much neater when my stuff is swept away, but when it's all in a box/pile it's not where it belongs and will probably take me longer to sort through.
posted by rhapsodie at 4:42 PM on September 7, 2011 [12 favorites]
I understand that things look much neater when my stuff is swept away, but when it's all in a box/pile it's not where it belongs and will probably take me longer to sort through.
posted by rhapsodie at 4:42 PM on September 7, 2011 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Wait! They dumped everything on the floor and left, knowing carpet was going to be replaced? You then boxed it up so the carpet could be done, right? So now their bitching at you for getting their mess out of the way? What were you supposed to have done with it?
This is stupid. You need to talk to them about it. What were you supposed to do, let it get in the way of the carpet people? They owe you a vote of thanks for taking care of it.
Tell them to unpack their boxes and put the shit back on the shelf, if that's what they want, then STFU!
posted by BlueHorse at 4:54 PM on September 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
This is stupid. You need to talk to them about it. What were you supposed to do, let it get in the way of the carpet people? They owe you a vote of thanks for taking care of it.
Tell them to unpack their boxes and put the shit back on the shelf, if that's what they want, then STFU!
posted by BlueHorse at 4:54 PM on September 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
I still can't understand why people would want to look at shelves overstuffed with random dusty objects
Could well be because they understand that boxes are an object's way-station to nowhere.
That said: BlueHorse has it.
posted by flabdablet at 4:57 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Could well be because they understand that boxes are an object's way-station to nowhere.
That said: BlueHorse has it.
posted by flabdablet at 4:57 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hi there,
I've struggled with the whole "lots of stuff" versus "neat" shelf conflict. They're right, a bunch of boxes on shelves (especially cardboard or plastic boxes) doesn't look very nice at all. Dusty junk _is_ better than that. However, there are more than two choices here.
If you look at photos of furniture catalogs or web sites for shelving systems, you'll see that what looks "good" for that kind of thing isn't all that functional: mostly-empty shelves with a few large vases, maybe a cat if they're feeling saucy (do you have a cat? A bare span of shelf with cat access can be awesome! Just make sure the cat has plenty of room and there's nothing precarious next to his spot).
What you want is a compromise. Maybe a _decorative_, _wooden_ box (not plastic), maybe two different ones, interspersed with some books (put the paperbacks on the bottom shelves). Are there keys, matches, cat toys, random stones? Put them inside a shallow but lovely bowl (check thrift stores). Magazines? Get some (attractive, not cardboard if you can avoid it) magazine boxes, and label them, and leave extra space in them for future magazines. Are there a lot of books? Maybe thin the herd a little, sort them somehow, figure out if any of the "stuff" would make a good bookend. Leave lots of space if you can; pack some things close together (but still all accessible without knocking things over accidentally), so you can leave a little empty space between or in front. Make sure everyone is on board with this -- seriously -- or every single empty space you leave will soon be filled with dirty dishes, papers, laundry, and spare change. The purpose of empty space on shelves is to make it easier to use the things between the spaces, and occasionally to provide temporary (<>
All of the above assumes that your roommates would be willing to entertain a more balanced reorganization by you. If not, then you'll have to find your own way, or just organize your own section.
And you can always remove dust by dusting.
The shelf problem, like many problems, can get surprisingly complex. It can yield gracefully to a bit of analysis and creativity.
If your roommates are mad at you, you might be able to endear yourself by investing in attractive bookends, the afore-mentioned magazine boxes, or something similar. Heck, if you collectively do anything to make the place better (especially with new carpet), it might inspire a little more order.
It sounds like your impulse was good. I hope they weren't too harsh to you. Just try solving this problem from a little different angle.
posted by amtho at 5:02 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've struggled with the whole "lots of stuff" versus "neat" shelf conflict. They're right, a bunch of boxes on shelves (especially cardboard or plastic boxes) doesn't look very nice at all. Dusty junk _is_ better than that. However, there are more than two choices here.
If you look at photos of furniture catalogs or web sites for shelving systems, you'll see that what looks "good" for that kind of thing isn't all that functional: mostly-empty shelves with a few large vases, maybe a cat if they're feeling saucy (do you have a cat? A bare span of shelf with cat access can be awesome! Just make sure the cat has plenty of room and there's nothing precarious next to his spot).
What you want is a compromise. Maybe a _decorative_, _wooden_ box (not plastic), maybe two different ones, interspersed with some books (put the paperbacks on the bottom shelves). Are there keys, matches, cat toys, random stones? Put them inside a shallow but lovely bowl (check thrift stores). Magazines? Get some (attractive, not cardboard if you can avoid it) magazine boxes, and label them, and leave extra space in them for future magazines. Are there a lot of books? Maybe thin the herd a little, sort them somehow, figure out if any of the "stuff" would make a good bookend. Leave lots of space if you can; pack some things close together (but still all accessible without knocking things over accidentally), so you can leave a little empty space between or in front. Make sure everyone is on board with this -- seriously -- or every single empty space you leave will soon be filled with dirty dishes, papers, laundry, and spare change. The purpose of empty space on shelves is to make it easier to use the things between the spaces, and occasionally to provide temporary (<>
All of the above assumes that your roommates would be willing to entertain a more balanced reorganization by you. If not, then you'll have to find your own way, or just organize your own section.
And you can always remove dust by dusting.
The shelf problem, like many problems, can get surprisingly complex. It can yield gracefully to a bit of analysis and creativity.
If your roommates are mad at you, you might be able to endear yourself by investing in attractive bookends, the afore-mentioned magazine boxes, or something similar. Heck, if you collectively do anything to make the place better (especially with new carpet), it might inspire a little more order.
It sounds like your impulse was good. I hope they weren't too harsh to you. Just try solving this problem from a little different angle.
posted by amtho at 5:02 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: jeather: I asked them that too and got a mumbled rely about things not looking the same. I suppose that means I should have put everything back where it was - honestly how can you expect me to remember where everything goes when none of it is mine?
Thank you BlueHorse for letting me know this isn't entirely my problem.
I doubt this is about not being able to find stuff because I only put the irregularly-shaped things in boxes, and also clearly labelled them, eg 'Clothes', 'Christmas decorations'. Everything else is neatly stacked/arranged.
It might have been the boxes themselves, like amtho suggested. They are cardboard, but we're a student household and have a tiny living room so storage space takes priority over aesthetics. Great tips though:)
posted by fix at 6:43 PM on September 7, 2011
Thank you BlueHorse for letting me know this isn't entirely my problem.
I doubt this is about not being able to find stuff because I only put the irregularly-shaped things in boxes, and also clearly labelled them, eg 'Clothes', 'Christmas decorations'. Everything else is neatly stacked/arranged.
It might have been the boxes themselves, like amtho suggested. They are cardboard, but we're a student household and have a tiny living room so storage space takes priority over aesthetics. Great tips though:)
posted by fix at 6:43 PM on September 7, 2011
Best answer: Make it clear that you put them in boxes so the carpet could be replaced, not to keep them out of sight. Then everyone can put things back, it will look the same, and you won't mind that the things are put back on the shelves, because yeah, piles of cardboard boxes on the shelves sort of sucks as decor goes. (Though I don't think storing them in boxes temporarily is wrong of you.)
posted by jeather at 7:49 PM on September 7, 2011
posted by jeather at 7:49 PM on September 7, 2011
Best answer: I've had the same problem. It's really hard when you live with people who not only don't have the same standards of tidiness that you do, but who actively get upset when you clean up. The power dynamic (being the 'new' one?) also doesn't help. My suggestions:
1. Let people know where you move things, then move those things to that spot consistently. For example, mail and papers that are left on the kitchen counter will be moved to a pile on the table. Clothes left lying around the living room get thrown on the appropriate housemates' bed. Mention this the first few times you do it (I moved the letter from your mom to the table.. I was making spaghetti and didn't want to get sauce on it.. etc.) then occassionally throughout the term.
2. Let them change back anything they don't like. Try to be gracious and not passive-aggressive about it.. ie, when they complained about the boxes, let them know that if they don't like it, they can switch it back. Key word being they.. you shouldn't do it yourself though - you'll end up super resentful.
3. Keep a relaxed attitude. Sometimes life is about compromise, and if you love your housemates, you need to accommodate their flaws. Know that they're probably equally irritated with you (no matter how unjustified that seems) and try to let it blow over.
I hope these suggestions are helpful, but I mostly wanted to post because I commiserate.
posted by valoius at 8:12 PM on September 7, 2011
1. Let people know where you move things, then move those things to that spot consistently. For example, mail and papers that are left on the kitchen counter will be moved to a pile on the table. Clothes left lying around the living room get thrown on the appropriate housemates' bed. Mention this the first few times you do it (I moved the letter from your mom to the table.. I was making spaghetti and didn't want to get sauce on it.. etc.) then occassionally throughout the term.
2. Let them change back anything they don't like. Try to be gracious and not passive-aggressive about it.. ie, when they complained about the boxes, let them know that if they don't like it, they can switch it back. Key word being they.. you shouldn't do it yourself though - you'll end up super resentful.
3. Keep a relaxed attitude. Sometimes life is about compromise, and if you love your housemates, you need to accommodate their flaws. Know that they're probably equally irritated with you (no matter how unjustified that seems) and try to let it blow over.
I hope these suggestions are helpful, but I mostly wanted to post because I commiserate.
posted by valoius at 8:12 PM on September 7, 2011
They left stuff on the floor and it had to be cleared away because the carpet was being done; they should be thanking you, not nit-picking about the way you cleaned up after them. And for fuck's sake it's not your job to arrange things in artful disarray with tasteful wooden boxes and locally-sourced bowls for random shit. If they want a messy look then they can dump everything back out of the boxes and mess it up themselves, but it's not your job to get everything back off the floor in an exact replica of the way they kept their phone books (fucking phone books! do those even exist anymore?) and broken gadgets. Your roommates are acting like knobs.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 8:32 PM on September 7, 2011
posted by villanelles at dawn at 8:32 PM on September 7, 2011
I doubt this is about not being able to find stuff because I only put the irregularly-shaped things in boxes, and also clearly labelled them, eg 'Clothes', 'Christmas decorations'. Everything else is neatly stacked/arranged.
Imagine that one of them went through your belongings and categorized them according to whatever categories came to mind?
The problem here is that you took time and energy to make assumptions about your housemates' possessions, which your housemates now need to take time and energy to decode to find their own stuff. No wonder no-one is happy.
posted by desuetude at 9:01 PM on September 7, 2011
Imagine that one of them went through your belongings and categorized them according to whatever categories came to mind?
The problem here is that you took time and energy to make assumptions about your housemates' possessions, which your housemates now need to take time and energy to decode to find their own stuff. No wonder no-one is happy.
posted by desuetude at 9:01 PM on September 7, 2011
Best answer: Yes, but they put them in the middle of the floor. In the middle of the floor in a public area. In the middle of the floor in a public area where the carpet was due to be replaced...before they got back.
Your actions were perfectly reasonable, and they will get over it.
posted by jrochest at 9:20 PM on September 7, 2011
Your actions were perfectly reasonable, and they will get over it.
posted by jrochest at 9:20 PM on September 7, 2011
In future: it's kind of a white lie, and technically isn't all that fair, but blaming nonresidents sometimes helps ("Yeah, I don't know, guys, one of the workers put all that stuff into boxes because he was 'trying to help'.")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on September 8, 2011
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on September 8, 2011
Along those same lines, just say it was done for the carpet reason and you were just getting stuff out of the way. There wasn't any intention to leave it like that, you just wanted to make sure stuff wasn't on the floor.
posted by theichibun at 7:50 AM on September 8, 2011
posted by theichibun at 7:50 AM on September 8, 2011
Guys, I needed to do something to get the stuff off the floor for the carpeting. I'd be happy to help you re-sort or shelve stuff, but I did my best in the situation.
People are territorial; getting into their stuff feels like a violation; they feel bad, but they obviously can't articulate why. Be cheerful, positive, and don't take any crap. They'll get over it. Don't let them make you feel bad; you had to take care of a problem, and you did.
Please come be my housemate. Maine is lovely in the Fall, and I would be delighted if someone organized for me.
posted by theora55 at 4:12 PM on September 8, 2011
People are territorial; getting into their stuff feels like a violation; they feel bad, but they obviously can't articulate why. Be cheerful, positive, and don't take any crap. They'll get over it. Don't let them make you feel bad; you had to take care of a problem, and you did.
Please come be my housemate. Maine is lovely in the Fall, and I would be delighted if someone organized for me.
posted by theora55 at 4:12 PM on September 8, 2011
"Sorry I put stuff back the wrong way, but the carpet was being changed and I couldn't leave everything on the floor. If you guys want it arranged differently... you have hands, right?*"
*Works best when all roommates do, in fact, have hands.
posted by Rykey at 6:01 AM on September 9, 2011
*Works best when all roommates do, in fact, have hands.
posted by Rykey at 6:01 AM on September 9, 2011
My roommate is constantly tidying things that aren't hers. I'm sure she thinks she's helping, or because she shares the place she has a right, but it seems rude to me in many cases. She will often move things of mine and use the shelves for her things, or puts things in locations I can't find. I for one am a reasonably clean person most of the time, and I just find it plain rude when she takes it upon herself to move my possessions around. Likewise, I currently have no idea where our cheese grater is, and she hung a picture frame that had been propped up against the wall -- now there are nail holes in a plaster wall and i will have to touch up a freshly painted wall because she didn't know what she was doing.
If you want things cleaned or moved in your apartment, ASK FIRST. in fact, talking to someone before making decisions that involve them or their things should be your first step in everything you do. It's rude and presumptuous otherwise.
posted by custard heart at 12:20 PM on September 12, 2011
If you want things cleaned or moved in your apartment, ASK FIRST. in fact, talking to someone before making decisions that involve them or their things should be your first step in everything you do. It's rude and presumptuous otherwise.
posted by custard heart at 12:20 PM on September 12, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jsturgill at 4:08 PM on September 7, 2011 [5 favorites]