Booty Call disguised as genuine Me Likey?
September 7, 2011 8:16 AM   Subscribe

Can a Long Distance Relationship Work Out?

Anonymous due to comfort level.

I met this guy two months ago while I was visiting another state solo for a weekend. We were both visiting from different states to attend the same event and he started talking to me at a local pub. We just talked for two hours and exhanged phone numbers and that was the last time I saw him. Due to the nature of the event (mountain bike race) I was unable to meet up with him. I felt like we hit it off and we merely hugged goodbye (no kissing, nothing like that).

Well, fast forward two months to now and we've managed to stay in touch via text and email exchanges weekly and oftentimes more frequently. He's made plans to come visit my city next week and me specifically. He's not staying with me (is getting a hotel room) and plans are in the air, but we're both rather go-with-the-flow type of people. He's specifically told me that he's interested in me. He lives 3 hours away, is 8 years older than me (he's almost 40) and was divorced two years ago after being with her for 17 years (dating 7 years, married 10 years). He's in a good emotional space right now though after time and therapy. I'm extremely single and also emotionally and financially healthy.

Am I crazy for thinking that this could possibly be the beginnings of something serious? I know it's VERRY early stages, but am I crazy to think that this could be more than just a long distance attempt at a booty call? I'm so done with booty calls. So, here are my questions:

1.) COULD a Long Distance Relationship such as this work? I could see it working from my end, since I'm a fierce defender of my personal space/time and am generally a busy person.

2.) Have you ever been in or seen a LDR like this work? How did it get from a LDR to a settled relationship? Is there any shred of hope you can give me?

3.) How do I express to him that I'm not interested in a booty call, but enjoy spending time with him and want to see if something could happen/develop? This will be tricky - I'm sure I could say exactly this, but then what happens when he drives 3 hours back home?

4.) Any other advice? Am I being completely naive to think that this could actually be something?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Plenty of people will chime in and say, "Yes, it worked for me!" and plenty of people will say "No, it doesn't.". This is because it's almost 100% dependent on the kind of people you are. I am bad with long distance relationships. When I fell in love with the woman I would go on to marry, I uprooted my life and moved in with her (About a 1000 miles away) because I knew that I couldn't do a long distance thing.

You're 32, if I did the math right, so you've been in all kinds of relationships- platonic, romantic, inbetween- and they've been local and long distance. How did they work for you? Only you know for sure.

My only real advice is that if you truly want it to work out, you have to invest in it and that either means uprooting (If he's into that idea) or nightly phonecalls or whatever.
posted by GilloD at 8:26 AM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh, gosh, of course it can work. My guy and I were three hours apart and we're getting married on Saturday.

Of course, he worked for a phone company that gave him free long-distance and three-day weekends, most of which he used to come visit me, but with judicious use of cell phone minutes and Skype I'm sure you'd be fine.

Thing is, every relationship is different. He started looking for work up here within about five months; we'd been long-distance for a year before he came here and we shacked up. So you'll just have to wait and see -- what works best for your communication styles? Do you need lots of physical contact, or do you like the space? How long before the aforementioned booty call takes place -- do you have differing expectations?

As for number three, you warm up to each other a bit and then say exactly that.

No, you're not naive. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 18 appointments and a dress to pick up. It can work. It'll be great if you let it.
posted by Madamina at 8:27 AM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


First, re, 1&2, three hours is, imho, barely long distance. You could easily see each other every weekend and every Holiday. This could totally work.

Second, re 3, see how things go. That you've been communicating often implies that it's not merely a booty call.

Just communicate with him honestly when these issues come up. I am certain that he's has similar concerns (though not necessarily similar goals). Perhaps if this first visit goes well, you can plan to visit his city in the near future and use that visit to discuss your thoughts.

Good luck.
posted by oddman at 8:27 AM on September 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


It totally depends on your comfort level and ability to communicate effectively and honestly with another person - if this is what you want, it could work very well. From my understanding dating long distance works very well for some people, and its a total failure for others. As a data point, I met my boyfriend two weeks before he left to teach English in Korea for a year (I live in Canada). We kept in touch, starting dating 2 months later and the rest has been history. He came home to Canada a year later, where we were 2 hours apart going to school in different cities, and now I am studying abroad in Norway for the year. It is very doable if the person is worth it to you.

As advice, be aware that LDR are HARD. For my partner, it is totally worth the hard times and when things get tough. The other thing that is immensely helpful for us is having an end date in mind - i.e he was moving back to Canada in a year (we visited twice for a couple weeks) and now, he will come over after Christmas to finally be in the same place together. Also, daily contact is a must for us (other couples are happier with less), even if its just a text message or email. We found that out after talking about it and discussing it, I would be happy with a phone call everyday, he's ok with less. Hence the compromise at once a day (ish)
posted by snowysoul at 8:38 AM on September 7, 2011


I came in here to say no based on your title, but 3 hours is close enough that I'd say yes.

Harder, sure, but possible.
posted by User7 at 8:40 AM on September 7, 2011


He's driving three hours and getting a hotel room to see someone he's never even kissed? That's was too expensive/complicated for a booty call. This reads 100% early potential relationship to me.

3 hours is plenty workable. My dad and step mom dated for years with more hours that than between them (6 hours, maybe more). She eventually quit her job and moved to be with my dad. So sure, it can work. A 3 hour drive wouldn't be my first choice, but it certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker.
posted by robinpME at 8:43 AM on September 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


It can definitely work, but it's not easy, in my experience. Nearly 100% of our serious rows occurred while we still lived 100 miles apart. Everything fell into place once we were in the same city.

The problem is (or was for us, at least) that when you're in a LDR every in-person interaction feels Really Important, so if one of you is in a bad mood or wants to be alone, or if any negative thing happens, that feels Really Important too. Once the default state is "together", less importance is attached to each interaction, and there's time to let things happen and gradually find ways to live together.

I say take it slowly and see how things develop. Try to make it clear you're potentially interested in something serious.
posted by altolinguistic at 8:51 AM on September 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


It can work, but at some point SOMEONE is going to have to move to SOMEONE, and I would say (given my own experience) within 2 years. If both of you are in a situation where you absolutely cannot move (like kid custody issues or something), then maybe getting too attached would be a bad idea. But if someone can eventually move so the relationship can progress further, then it could.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:33 AM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Everyone is different when it comes to this kind of thing. I tried staying together with my college boyfriend, only 2 hours apart, and it collapsed. I was very young - I loved him but I was kind of restless and wanted to be 21 in my own city. Neither one of us was really willing to compromise that much and uproot our lives for each other, and who could blame us?

This time round, I started dating my BF even though I knew he was about to move 4 hours away. But we both knew right away that it was something special. I was planning to apply to grad school anyway - I just managed to get into a school in his new city. The key was that we both were willing to do whatever it took (ie long long drives/train rides fairly often, staying up rather late to talk on the phone daily, shaping our schedules around each other as much as possible) to make it work while we were apart. I decided this person was important enough to become a huge part of my life plan at this point, and he felt the same.

Altolinguistic is right above - your time together can sometimes feel loaded, and it can be really tough to make everything work when you're apart. While in an LDR, my life really was about work, applying to grad school, and him - some of my other friends and activities ended up taking a bit of a backseat sometimes, which was frustrating. You have to be patient with each other.

But it can absolutely be done, it just requires commitment on both parts and (to echo what others have said) a possible end date in sight. This doesn't really sound like a booty call to me, and chances are these questions are crossing his mind as well. Some of them will come up naturally, so just try to see what happens. Good luck!
posted by bookgirl18 at 9:43 AM on September 7, 2011


I think there's a huge difference between relationships that start long distance and couples that go from seeing each other all the time to living far apart. In your case, you'll be getting to know each other and gradually ramping up your involvement. I definitely think that can work (or I should probably say, hope that can work, as I'm about to move in with my long distance boyfriend after meeting him 14 months ago and deciding we were a couple 10 months ago!).

In our case, we hooked up, then made a couple visits to see each other and after each one decided we really didn't want a long distance relationship but we liked each other so we'd just keep our options open and see where we were next time we saw each other. Eventually we got to the point where we were talking on skype every night and admitted that things were getting more serious.

Just be honest about what your expectations are and don't be afraid to start a conversation saying you want to be clear on where you both stand. See how things go. He sounds like he's putting enough effort into seeing you that I suspect it's more than a booty call.
posted by carolr at 10:37 AM on September 7, 2011


Answers to your questions:
1. Yes, for sure.
2. I haven't been in one.
3. Just say it as you've said on here. Be honest. Don't be overly serious when you say it...keep it playfull. And don't put a time limit, meaning don't say..."We won't be sleeping together for at least another 6 months". Leave it open. You wanna make sure he's not just interested in a booty call, but closing the door to sex here will have the same effect it would have on any guy if you make him wait too long.
4. I agree with others on here who say that 3 hours isn't bad at all. You can easily see each other on the weekends. It will more then likely require you to spend all of the weekend together meaning...be prepared to have him come out for a weekend or you go out to him for a weekend. It makes more sense to spend the whole weekend together since you won't be able to see each other as regularly. Since you're fairly busy, this might be a better situation for you as long as you're willing to commit on most weekends. At least 2 weekends in the month but 3 or all are better. Communication is key. As long as you guys are good about talking on the phone several days a week and making definitive easy to understand plans to get together, I see no reason why this can't work. Go for it!
posted by ljs30 at 1:22 PM on September 7, 2011


My wife and I had a long-distance relationship for three years before we got married. Celebrated our 29th anniversary on Sunday. Three hours is very workable. Just realize you may have to stretch your time frame before deciding if this is something special or not. Three months of LDR is probably like three weeks of living a few minutes away. But as soon as you know, you'll know. The rest is just working out the details of getting into the same place.
posted by lpsguy at 1:59 PM on September 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


My Dad has been in a twenty year relationship with a women who lives 500 miles away. It can work. You just have to commit to making it work. Basically, they called each other a lot, they put a lot of miles on their cars, and eventually they got used to having their lives divided between two places and two sets of friends and two houses. According to my Dad, the worst part of it was tending two gardens and mowing two lawns all summer long:)
posted by bananafish at 2:42 PM on September 7, 2011


I am happily shacked up with someone who I met long-distance (we met while she was visiting a friend and were able to have one really great date), and we were 2000 miles apart for a year. The chemistry was so strong from that one date that we ended up talking and talking and talking for a month—I think that getting to know someone like that is pretty great, using the written word in texts, e-mail and then having phone calls and video chats to get to know each other slowly and deliberately. After all that communication I was so crazy to see her again that I flew down for a weekend, and it turned into a relationship.

What made it successful was that we were painfully clear about how we felt for each other after that first visit, and had a lot of serious conversations and a lot of airing of concerns during that year. We were lucky enough to be able to see each other once or twice a month, and it sounds like you can manage that and more, since three hours isn't too terrible.

One of the hardest parts for me was the pressure you feel to make every visit meaningful, and perfect. It can be hard to progress a relationship when you don't see each other everyday, and often I spent so much time anticipating seeing her next that my "normal life" apart from her was less meaningful, which isn't healthy. (Also, it was expensive, but that was due to air travel.)

As for the good, one of the things I did enjoy was my ability to have a loads of alone time and personal space. It took me a long time to want to live with someone I was in a relationship with, and in the meantime I enjoyed the quirky habits I indulged and tattered underwear I could wear in a LDR. I also enjoyed the romance of it—we never took each other for granted, our passion for each other was always at ridiculous levels, we sent letters and surprise packages to each other, and every visit felt like a vacation while exploring each other's town (and I wore nicer underwear).

As for your number three, I think you'll just know how to broach the subject of not wanting a booty call after spending time with him. If the chemistry is there, he'll probably be wanting to tell you the same thing!

I'm prone to talking way too much about my partner because I think our LDR was pretty incredible, so of course I think they can work. I know it's all a case by case basis, and no advice can predict how next week will go, but I wish you the best of luck!
posted by thesocietyfor at 3:12 PM on September 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


1.) COULD a Long Distance Relationship such as this work?

Oh totally. Gosh, three hours' drive is barely even long distance in my book. My current partner and I were 1000km away for the first 18months of our relationship. We definitely couldn't see each other every weekend, and it was hard at time, but by no means impossible. Six and a half years later, we are expecting our first child in a month. :)

2.) How did it get from a LDR to a settled relationship?

I had a shittier job and no family and a much more spread-out friendship network than my partner, so when we were sick of it, and it was serious-serious, I moved cities to be with her. As I say we held out about 18 months, but if I could have seen her every weekend on a three hour trip we probably would have lasted longer.

In terms of "shreds of hope", honestly it's not so bad. What with the phone calls, messaging, IMs, emails etc, we were really didn't feel so far apart. I look back at some of the letters we exchanged in that time as kind of romantic and quite classic; I treasure them.


3.) How do I express to him that I'm not interested in a booty call, but enjoy spending time with him and want to see if something could happen/develop?

I really don't think this is a booty call from everything you're describing, at all. But, if you still think it might be, I would just say, "Hey I really like you and I think there's some great potential here. I'm looking for genuine, real relationships and not just a casual thing, are you interested in that?"

This sounds great! Go for it, it can totally work. :)
posted by smoke at 5:21 PM on September 7, 2011


It worked for the mister and me. We've been together almost 12 years (dated for one year, married almost 11 years).

Long story short: we met in a chat room and "dated" through chat and phone calls for about four months. I moved to within a two hour drive of his home and we dated (LDR) for a year. Although neither of us really thought about marrying that early in the relationship, we had to if we wanted to live together (he's Canadian, I'm American). It's worked out well for us.
posted by deborah at 5:42 PM on September 7, 2011


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