looking for elusive closure
September 5, 2011 10:47 PM Subscribe
Is no contact really always the best approach?
I am STILL struggling to get closure from the brutal demise of an intense five month relationship that ended in April of 2010. Short version: Had seemingly perfect, close relationship, I got accidentally pregnant, had an abortion, I began to act needy and emotional because of all the stress from the hormones/abortion and he dumped me a few weeks later out of the blue, never giving me a clear reason. His explanation was, "I'm worrying about you too much and my brain can't deal with that."
I was emotionally fragile at the time, stunned by the turn of events, and my desperation to win him back probably made me look crazy to him. We tried to have a friendship anyway. Then one day he cut contact with me again in a cold text message just as suddenly as he had ended our relationship, changed his number, etc. Told me he never wanted to speak to me again. We haven't spoken in a year and I've made no attempts to contact him.
I posted a question about this about six months ago when I was toying with the idea of messaging him. The overwhelming opinion was that I shouldn't and so I didn't. For a few months I felt OK with this but lately I've been considering it again because I don't seem to be getting over what happened. I'm in a new relationship and I'm still seething with rage about this guy.
I'm over it in some ways, but there's a resistant last bit of me that isn't letting go. I don't miss him, I don't want him, I'd rather run into a burning building than get back together with him. Yet I'm filled with rage and self loathing when I think about him.
What's getting to me is the idea that I'm sure he, because of who he is, thinks I was the crazy one and that he did nothing wrong. His powers of denial are profound, and he tends to move on from things really fast, feeling brief intense guilt in a compartmentalized way and then forgetting it. He's sort of a wolf in sheep's clothing -- he appears really kind to everyone else. In fact I think I'm the only girl he's ever hurt because all of his other exes dumped him for being too spineless.
He also has a really close family that encouraged him to dump me because they only heard his side of the story and figured if he was unhappy there must be a reason. He never told them about the pregnancy. I'm sure they reinforced the idea that I was crazy. I can't stand the idea that he thinks this about me, when it seems so unfair. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I overheard him calling me a "psycho ex girlfriend" after our breakup which really hurt.
I just wonder if emailing him might give me some closure. There's a good chance he won't respond, but maybe just sending it will give me some peace of mind?
I started floating this idea again because somebody I know was in a very similar situation and got closure from messaging her ex. Her boyfriend was quite similar to my ex and left her brutally after she got pregnant and lost the baby. She never expected a response but he wrote back to her, they got together for coffee, he apologized for his mistreatment of her, and now she has moved on where before she was stuck.
I often wonder if people take the NC idea too far when it might not be the best approach in every situation for every person.
My boyfriend knows I'm still hurting from this experience and has just told me to do whatever I feel is best to find closure.
In terms of closure I'm not expecting some apology or explanation from him, but it would be nice to talk with him again so I can tell him how I feel. I wouldn't send an angry message, but I'd probably just say I'm still hurting from what happened and it would be nice to talk briefly for some closure. If he doesn't respond at least he'll know that what he did really hurt me enough to still hurt and can't just be stuffed in the past. And maybe knowing he knows that will make me feel better and alleviate some of my anger.
What do you think?
I am STILL struggling to get closure from the brutal demise of an intense five month relationship that ended in April of 2010. Short version: Had seemingly perfect, close relationship, I got accidentally pregnant, had an abortion, I began to act needy and emotional because of all the stress from the hormones/abortion and he dumped me a few weeks later out of the blue, never giving me a clear reason. His explanation was, "I'm worrying about you too much and my brain can't deal with that."
I was emotionally fragile at the time, stunned by the turn of events, and my desperation to win him back probably made me look crazy to him. We tried to have a friendship anyway. Then one day he cut contact with me again in a cold text message just as suddenly as he had ended our relationship, changed his number, etc. Told me he never wanted to speak to me again. We haven't spoken in a year and I've made no attempts to contact him.
I posted a question about this about six months ago when I was toying with the idea of messaging him. The overwhelming opinion was that I shouldn't and so I didn't. For a few months I felt OK with this but lately I've been considering it again because I don't seem to be getting over what happened. I'm in a new relationship and I'm still seething with rage about this guy.
I'm over it in some ways, but there's a resistant last bit of me that isn't letting go. I don't miss him, I don't want him, I'd rather run into a burning building than get back together with him. Yet I'm filled with rage and self loathing when I think about him.
What's getting to me is the idea that I'm sure he, because of who he is, thinks I was the crazy one and that he did nothing wrong. His powers of denial are profound, and he tends to move on from things really fast, feeling brief intense guilt in a compartmentalized way and then forgetting it. He's sort of a wolf in sheep's clothing -- he appears really kind to everyone else. In fact I think I'm the only girl he's ever hurt because all of his other exes dumped him for being too spineless.
He also has a really close family that encouraged him to dump me because they only heard his side of the story and figured if he was unhappy there must be a reason. He never told them about the pregnancy. I'm sure they reinforced the idea that I was crazy. I can't stand the idea that he thinks this about me, when it seems so unfair. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I overheard him calling me a "psycho ex girlfriend" after our breakup which really hurt.
I just wonder if emailing him might give me some closure. There's a good chance he won't respond, but maybe just sending it will give me some peace of mind?
I started floating this idea again because somebody I know was in a very similar situation and got closure from messaging her ex. Her boyfriend was quite similar to my ex and left her brutally after she got pregnant and lost the baby. She never expected a response but he wrote back to her, they got together for coffee, he apologized for his mistreatment of her, and now she has moved on where before she was stuck.
I often wonder if people take the NC idea too far when it might not be the best approach in every situation for every person.
My boyfriend knows I'm still hurting from this experience and has just told me to do whatever I feel is best to find closure.
In terms of closure I'm not expecting some apology or explanation from him, but it would be nice to talk with him again so I can tell him how I feel. I wouldn't send an angry message, but I'd probably just say I'm still hurting from what happened and it would be nice to talk briefly for some closure. If he doesn't respond at least he'll know that what he did really hurt me enough to still hurt and can't just be stuffed in the past. And maybe knowing he knows that will make me feel better and alleviate some of my anger.
What do you think?
What's getting to me is the idea that I'm sure he, because of who he is, thinks I was the crazy one and that he did nothing wrong.
I hate to say it, but if he's anything like the guys I know who are like this, your contact will only reinforce this picture in his mind. There is nothing you can do that will make him see reason. Either he already knows he hurt you, or he won't get that message from your email; he'll read it and think "Wow, she is still really into me!"
posted by KathrynT at 10:53 PM on September 5, 2011 [35 favorites]
I hate to say it, but if he's anything like the guys I know who are like this, your contact will only reinforce this picture in his mind. There is nothing you can do that will make him see reason. Either he already knows he hurt you, or he won't get that message from your email; he'll read it and think "Wow, she is still really into me!"
posted by KathrynT at 10:53 PM on September 5, 2011 [35 favorites]
If he doesn't respond at least he'll know that what he did really hurt me enough to still hurt and can't just be stuffed in the past. And maybe knowing he knows that will make me feel better and alleviate some of my anger.
No, no, no. This is a really big assumption. It sounds to me that he will not think, "wow, what I did really hurt her so much that she's still hurt," he'll think, "wow, psycho ex is still psycho." Not only that, this guy specifically told you he never wanted to speak to you again. If you contact him, you'll be crossing his very clearly stated boundaries. That is also going to come off badly.
Read this comment by patronuscharms.
Then, therapy.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:54 PM on September 5, 2011 [9 favorites]
No, no, no. This is a really big assumption. It sounds to me that he will not think, "wow, what I did really hurt her so much that she's still hurt," he'll think, "wow, psycho ex is still psycho." Not only that, this guy specifically told you he never wanted to speak to you again. If you contact him, you'll be crossing his very clearly stated boundaries. That is also going to come off badly.
Read this comment by patronuscharms.
Then, therapy.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:54 PM on September 5, 2011 [9 favorites]
I find it very difficult to imagine a scenario in which the man you've described gives you closure. Sorry.
posted by kavasa at 10:55 PM on September 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by kavasa at 10:55 PM on September 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
Big hurts take a long time to recover from. You are allowed to still be hurting over this. I understand the desire for closure, but you really need to settle this with your own self, and in time, you will.
(I put assholes like your ex on something I call a "two-year shit list". I've found that my biggest hurts last just about two years.)
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 11:01 PM on September 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
(I put assholes like your ex on something I call a "two-year shit list". I've found that my biggest hurts last just about two years.)
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 11:01 PM on September 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
The best revenge is moving forward, towards better things. You'll get no closure with this guy.
posted by mleigh at 11:07 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mleigh at 11:07 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also ---
I don't miss him, I don't want him, I'd rather run into a burning building than get back together with him. Yet I'm filled with rage and self loathing when I think about him.
I submit that maybe you don't need closure from him, but from yourself, and that you don't need to find a way to forgive him, but to forgive yourself.
-Closure from yourself that you are not crazy, no matter what he thought/thinks/tells others.
-Closure from yourself that what he did was wrong, even though it wasn't.
You need to internalize that you don't need his agreement on those things, his agreement or disagreement doesn't change reality.
-Forgiveness from yourself for trusting a guy who turned out to be untrustworthy, when you were vulnerable. Many of us have been there, ourselves.
-Forgiveness from yourself for acting desperate at the end of the relationship. Many of us have done that, too.
-Closure from yourself, eventually (not necessarily now) that you forgive him. Then you can move on. (This is really, really hard for me and not automatically in my nature, so I don't recommend this flippantly. This thread is full of suggestions for how to get to forgiveness, as well as not caring what people say about you, though that person I wrote about didn't wrong me anywhere near how your BF wronged you.)
-Closure from yourself, that you have figured out how to prevent yourself from being treated that way again.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2011 [28 favorites]
I don't miss him, I don't want him, I'd rather run into a burning building than get back together with him. Yet I'm filled with rage and self loathing when I think about him.
I submit that maybe you don't need closure from him, but from yourself, and that you don't need to find a way to forgive him, but to forgive yourself.
-Closure from yourself that you are not crazy, no matter what he thought/thinks/tells others.
-Closure from yourself that what he did was wrong, even though it wasn't.
You need to internalize that you don't need his agreement on those things, his agreement or disagreement doesn't change reality.
-Forgiveness from yourself for trusting a guy who turned out to be untrustworthy, when you were vulnerable. Many of us have been there, ourselves.
-Forgiveness from yourself for acting desperate at the end of the relationship. Many of us have done that, too.
-Closure from yourself, eventually (not necessarily now) that you forgive him. Then you can move on. (This is really, really hard for me and not automatically in my nature, so I don't recommend this flippantly. This thread is full of suggestions for how to get to forgiveness, as well as not caring what people say about you, though that person I wrote about didn't wrong me anywhere near how your BF wronged you.)
-Closure from yourself, that you have figured out how to prevent yourself from being treated that way again.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2011 [28 favorites]
This man is dirt. He does not deserve you, and you do not deserve what he did to you. You did nothing wrong. There is absolutely no good reason to connect with this individual again. Just walk away, and try to learn how to spot creeps like him in the future.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by KokuRyu at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
*Fourth line should be -- -Closure from yourself that what he did was wrong, even though he thinks it wasn't.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:09 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 11:09 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is no contact really always the best approach?
Generally yes, in your specific case A THOUSAND TIMES YES!
She never expected a response but he wrote back to her, they got together for coffee, he apologized for his mistreatment of her, and now she has moved on where before she was stuck.
In spite of your denial, I think you're fantastising about something like this happening to you. It won't happen to you. There is absolutely 100% nothing wrong about fantasising about stuff like this happening if it helps you get some closure and feel better about the whole situation, but it's imperative to recognise that it's a helpful fantasy, not a template that will replay in real life.
It sounds like you want to tell him how you feel, so you feel that your emotions are valid and validated, but I promise you that your feelings - no matter what they are - are 100% valid regardless of what happened, how etc.
Reading between the lines of your question it you might still have a lot of self-doubt and you feel that contact will enable to you resolve that doubt. The reality is that contact will not, because the source of the doubt is internal, within yourself, and no external event can effectively touch it.
It takes time to feel okay about intense emotional things, sometimes years, you're doing okay. But it might be helpful to recognise there is little to nothing this guy can do to resolve those feelings; it comes back to you in the end. Write that email, get it all out. Read it. Don't look at it for a month, read it again, and then delete it. Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 11:12 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Generally yes, in your specific case A THOUSAND TIMES YES!
She never expected a response but he wrote back to her, they got together for coffee, he apologized for his mistreatment of her, and now she has moved on where before she was stuck.
In spite of your denial, I think you're fantastising about something like this happening to you. It won't happen to you. There is absolutely 100% nothing wrong about fantasising about stuff like this happening if it helps you get some closure and feel better about the whole situation, but it's imperative to recognise that it's a helpful fantasy, not a template that will replay in real life.
It sounds like you want to tell him how you feel, so you feel that your emotions are valid and validated, but I promise you that your feelings - no matter what they are - are 100% valid regardless of what happened, how etc.
Reading between the lines of your question it you might still have a lot of self-doubt and you feel that contact will enable to you resolve that doubt. The reality is that contact will not, because the source of the doubt is internal, within yourself, and no external event can effectively touch it.
It takes time to feel okay about intense emotional things, sometimes years, you're doing okay. But it might be helpful to recognise there is little to nothing this guy can do to resolve those feelings; it comes back to you in the end. Write that email, get it all out. Read it. Don't look at it for a month, read it again, and then delete it. Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 11:12 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
One thing that helped me a lot after a recent (fucking terrible) break up was doing a closure ritual. The design of the ritual was very personal and very much about letting go of the attachments to that relationship that were holding me back. A friend played the role of the ex, and just listened, which helped quite a lot.
good luck.
posted by kaibutsu at 11:12 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
good luck.
posted by kaibutsu at 11:12 PM on September 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing the no-contact crowd. Don't do it. If it helps, look at the possible outcomes, assuming you went ahead and emailed him.
1) he doesn't respond. You won't feel better. You'll feel worse, because on top of all your other unresolved feelings will be a whole heap of 'and I TOLD HIM HOW BAD I STILL FEEL AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND!'.
2) he responds angrily. You won't feel better. You will have a gigantic pile of new the-opposite-of-closure things to be mad about.
3) he responds dismissively. You won't feel better. You will continue to feel that things are unresolved and that he hasn't really understood your perspective or taken responsibility for his part in what happened.
4) he responds constructively, listens and maybe takes some responsibility for what happened. Minute chance that you get an acknowledgement of your pain or an apology. Maybe you feel a little bit better. More likely you have started a whole new cycle of engagement with this guy who you absolutely categorically state that you don't want to be engaged with.
The way you are feeling is valid and understandable and it makes sense - you went through huge, life changing events with this guy. But he has proven not to be a good person for you to be vulnerable with. Don't go and expose yourself again. If he is ever going to be a good enough person to acknowledge your pain and apologise, he will come to that by himself, not because you have contacted him again.
In a similar situation I made myself go running or did situps every time I thought about the person. It still took ages for me to feel better but I could run a ten k in 57 minutes and my abs were supreme. Take care of yourself - and your new boyfriend, he sounds lovely.
posted by yogalemon at 11:24 PM on September 5, 2011 [41 favorites]
1) he doesn't respond. You won't feel better. You'll feel worse, because on top of all your other unresolved feelings will be a whole heap of 'and I TOLD HIM HOW BAD I STILL FEEL AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND!'.
2) he responds angrily. You won't feel better. You will have a gigantic pile of new the-opposite-of-closure things to be mad about.
3) he responds dismissively. You won't feel better. You will continue to feel that things are unresolved and that he hasn't really understood your perspective or taken responsibility for his part in what happened.
4) he responds constructively, listens and maybe takes some responsibility for what happened. Minute chance that you get an acknowledgement of your pain or an apology. Maybe you feel a little bit better. More likely you have started a whole new cycle of engagement with this guy who you absolutely categorically state that you don't want to be engaged with.
The way you are feeling is valid and understandable and it makes sense - you went through huge, life changing events with this guy. But he has proven not to be a good person for you to be vulnerable with. Don't go and expose yourself again. If he is ever going to be a good enough person to acknowledge your pain and apologise, he will come to that by himself, not because you have contacted him again.
In a similar situation I made myself go running or did situps every time I thought about the person. It still took ages for me to feel better but I could run a ten k in 57 minutes and my abs were supreme. Take care of yourself - and your new boyfriend, he sounds lovely.
posted by yogalemon at 11:24 PM on September 5, 2011 [41 favorites]
I would write out all my feelings into a letter to this guy on paper, read it back to myself a couple times, and then set that shit on fire*.
*with appropriate levels of fire safety
posted by everyday_naturalist at 12:42 AM on September 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
*with appropriate levels of fire safety
posted by everyday_naturalist at 12:42 AM on September 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
What Ashley801 said. Ultimately, you don't know what your ex is thinking, and it sounds like you've tied up a lot of your mental resources into anticipating and managing his opinion of you - he must think I'm crazy, I'm not crazy, what can I do to change his judgement-of-crazy. This is compounded by the fact that he really fucking hurt you, and you probably want some kind of apology or acknowledgement of that. Which is fine. And healthy.
But what matters here is reclaiming your mental real estate, both for you and for your next relationship. You've fallen into a pattern of dwelling on this relationship. It's a mental habit, and one you can gently and compassionately break without judging yourself. Therapy helps. So does exercise.
posted by nerdfish at 1:46 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
But what matters here is reclaiming your mental real estate, both for you and for your next relationship. You've fallen into a pattern of dwelling on this relationship. It's a mental habit, and one you can gently and compassionately break without judging yourself. Therapy helps. So does exercise.
posted by nerdfish at 1:46 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What's getting to me is the idea that I'm sure he, because of who he is, thinks I was the crazy one and that he did nothing wrong.
That must be frustrating as hell, and I absolutely understand why you want to make him Get It. But the reason he doesn't Get It already has nothing to do with any failure on your part, and he's not going to suddenly snap into empathy and introspection because you phrase it slightly differently in an email. You don't have the power to do that; you can't reason someone into being a decent, well-balanced human being. What's the absolute best you can reasonably expect? He meets you for coffee and says "yeah, I guess I behaved badly to you, sorry about that, see you around"? Trust me, that won't feel like enough.
Likewise, though, it's not as if he's going to sail through life getting validation from everyone he ever meets that he didn't do anything wrong with you. Either he's going to have to keep quiet about parts of it - which would be an acknowledgement that at some level, he knows people will think he did do something wrong - or he's going to tell people about it, and then what? Are you really worried about that happening? Imagine how those conversations would go:
Friend: So what happened with you and timsneezed, anyway?
Him: Oh, it was really bad. She got all clingy and needy.
Friend: That's a real shame. She seemed so normal when I met her. Guess people just change sometimes, right?
Him: Yeah, seriously. She was perfectly fine until the abortion.
Friend: Woah, what?
Him: Didn't I mention that? Yeah, she had an abortion a few weeks before we broke up.
Friend: Well... I suppose that can be quite a stressful thing for couples.
Him: It was really stressful for me. She kept being all upset and stuff, and I ended up worrying about how she was feeling, and my brain just couldn't deal with that.
Friend: ...
Him: So I dumped her and changed my number.
Friend: What is wrong with you?
Future Girlfriend: So you've mentioned this crazy ex a few times. Is she totally out of your life now?
Him: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Changed my number and everything.
Future Girlfriend: Glad to hear it! Wow, though - changing your number? What, was she stalking you?
Him: Kind of. I mean, we were still spending quite a bit of time together, going hiking and stuff, and we were still sleeping together -
Future Girlfriend: Uh...
Him: And then she called my brother an ass.
Future Girlfriend: Ooh. Big fight?
Him: Not so much; we hugged and made up and everything, but later on that evening I texted her and told her I never wanted to see her again, and then I changed my number.
Future Girlfriend: Seriously?
Him: I had to! She kept trying to contact me after that, anyway, so I must have been right.
Future Girlfriend: Well, I dunno, maybe she wanted to know what had happened or something...
Him: Eh, mostly she was just asking for her money back. See, I owed her about a grand when I cut off contact with her and changed my number, and...
Future Girlfriend: You know what, I've suddenly remembered I have an urgent appointment in Peru.
Him: blah blah blah psycho ex blah.
Anyone At All In His Life: Tough, man. Does she still want to get back together with you?
Him: I dunno, actually.
Anyone: Still trying to get in touch with you?
Him: No, she hasn't contacted me at all since I gave her the money I owed her.
Anyone: She's moved on, then?
Him: No no no, I'm sure she's still hung up on me! After all, I'm the one that cut off contact with her, right?
Anyone: Yeah, but if you did it in a dickish way, and she's not made any efforts to get in touch... sounds like she doesn't really want anything to do with you, either.
Him: Well, maybe she'll email me tomorrow, and then I'll know for sure that she's still thinking about me.
His Inbox: 0 New Messages.
posted by Catseye at 3:07 AM on September 6, 2011 [48 favorites]
That must be frustrating as hell, and I absolutely understand why you want to make him Get It. But the reason he doesn't Get It already has nothing to do with any failure on your part, and he's not going to suddenly snap into empathy and introspection because you phrase it slightly differently in an email. You don't have the power to do that; you can't reason someone into being a decent, well-balanced human being. What's the absolute best you can reasonably expect? He meets you for coffee and says "yeah, I guess I behaved badly to you, sorry about that, see you around"? Trust me, that won't feel like enough.
Likewise, though, it's not as if he's going to sail through life getting validation from everyone he ever meets that he didn't do anything wrong with you. Either he's going to have to keep quiet about parts of it - which would be an acknowledgement that at some level, he knows people will think he did do something wrong - or he's going to tell people about it, and then what? Are you really worried about that happening? Imagine how those conversations would go:
Friend: So what happened with you and timsneezed, anyway?
Him: Oh, it was really bad. She got all clingy and needy.
Friend: That's a real shame. She seemed so normal when I met her. Guess people just change sometimes, right?
Him: Yeah, seriously. She was perfectly fine until the abortion.
Friend: Woah, what?
Him: Didn't I mention that? Yeah, she had an abortion a few weeks before we broke up.
Friend: Well... I suppose that can be quite a stressful thing for couples.
Him: It was really stressful for me. She kept being all upset and stuff, and I ended up worrying about how she was feeling, and my brain just couldn't deal with that.
Friend: ...
Him: So I dumped her and changed my number.
Friend: What is wrong with you?
Future Girlfriend: So you've mentioned this crazy ex a few times. Is she totally out of your life now?
Him: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Changed my number and everything.
Future Girlfriend: Glad to hear it! Wow, though - changing your number? What, was she stalking you?
Him: Kind of. I mean, we were still spending quite a bit of time together, going hiking and stuff, and we were still sleeping together -
Future Girlfriend: Uh...
Him: And then she called my brother an ass.
Future Girlfriend: Ooh. Big fight?
Him: Not so much; we hugged and made up and everything, but later on that evening I texted her and told her I never wanted to see her again, and then I changed my number.
Future Girlfriend: Seriously?
Him: I had to! She kept trying to contact me after that, anyway, so I must have been right.
Future Girlfriend: Well, I dunno, maybe she wanted to know what had happened or something...
Him: Eh, mostly she was just asking for her money back. See, I owed her about a grand when I cut off contact with her and changed my number, and...
Future Girlfriend: You know what, I've suddenly remembered I have an urgent appointment in Peru.
Him: blah blah blah psycho ex blah.
Anyone At All In His Life: Tough, man. Does she still want to get back together with you?
Him: I dunno, actually.
Anyone: Still trying to get in touch with you?
Him: No, she hasn't contacted me at all since I gave her the money I owed her.
Anyone: She's moved on, then?
Him: No no no, I'm sure she's still hung up on me! After all, I'm the one that cut off contact with her, right?
Anyone: Yeah, but if you did it in a dickish way, and she's not made any efforts to get in touch... sounds like she doesn't really want anything to do with you, either.
Him: Well, maybe she'll email me tomorrow, and then I'll know for sure that she's still thinking about me.
His Inbox: 0 New Messages.
posted by Catseye at 3:07 AM on September 6, 2011 [48 favorites]
No contact remains the right move, it would seem.
Perhaps you could write him a letter but not send it - get your feelings down on paper, think about the issues that are still festering, and then burn or throw it away, knowing that you're the one, not him, who can grant you permission to leave this behind you.
posted by twirlypen at 3:18 AM on September 6, 2011
Perhaps you could write him a letter but not send it - get your feelings down on paper, think about the issues that are still festering, and then burn or throw it away, knowing that you're the one, not him, who can grant you permission to leave this behind you.
posted by twirlypen at 3:18 AM on September 6, 2011
"He's sort of a wolf in sheep's clothing -- he appears really kind to everyone else. In fact I think I'm the only girl he's ever hurt because all of his other exes dumped him for being too spineless"
This rings a distant bell with me from a former relationship.... quite simply you are so much better off not having anything to do with this person again. You see the fact that girls drop him for whatever reason is pretty significant, your impression that they did so because he was "spineless" and yet he behaved towards you in such a strong and destructive way during a time of huge stress and drama suggests a very nasty piece of work indeed....or best case scenario someone who has not matured into an adult.
and yet everything you write suggests that you need his acknowledgement and even approval for the way YOU handled it......why?
This person has had multiple opportunities to be a man and has not been up to that standard. His opinion of you should not matter. I know it does, but at the end of the day letting someone who behaved like this have positive time in your thoughts is hugely negative for you in the long term.
there is also the aspect of natural justice, and the way posters here have responded hugely validates your position, he did you wrong girl, and the whole of this wonderful community is telling you, HE DONE YOU WRONG!
take it from us, this was incredibly unfair, unjust, almost sadistic in the way he's charaterising you as "psycho ex" to make himself feel less guilt about what happended but, do me a favour?
Take it from us! Not this excuse for a man.
Please role play a scenario with a supportive male friend, one who knows how to be a man and responds in that way, or write the e-mail and give it to a therapist,
posted by Wilder at 3:27 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
This rings a distant bell with me from a former relationship.... quite simply you are so much better off not having anything to do with this person again. You see the fact that girls drop him for whatever reason is pretty significant, your impression that they did so because he was "spineless" and yet he behaved towards you in such a strong and destructive way during a time of huge stress and drama suggests a very nasty piece of work indeed....or best case scenario someone who has not matured into an adult.
and yet everything you write suggests that you need his acknowledgement and even approval for the way YOU handled it......why?
This person has had multiple opportunities to be a man and has not been up to that standard. His opinion of you should not matter. I know it does, but at the end of the day letting someone who behaved like this have positive time in your thoughts is hugely negative for you in the long term.
there is also the aspect of natural justice, and the way posters here have responded hugely validates your position, he did you wrong girl, and the whole of this wonderful community is telling you, HE DONE YOU WRONG!
take it from us, this was incredibly unfair, unjust, almost sadistic in the way he's charaterising you as "psycho ex" to make himself feel less guilt about what happended but, do me a favour?
Take it from us! Not this excuse for a man.
Please role play a scenario with a supportive male friend, one who knows how to be a man and responds in that way, or write the e-mail and give it to a therapist,
posted by Wilder at 3:27 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
A couple folks above have mentioned having a 'closure ritual': very good idea! Go ahead and write out a long letter with details about exactly what you feel, how you felt when he dumped you, how very much you were hurt, but DO NOT send it! Gather together whatever reminds you of him, perhaps photos/that stuffed toy he won for you at the carnival/the birthday card he sent/whatever, then burn them all together with that letter, and burn them all WITH THAT LETTER, and watch the remains of that relationship go up in smoke. Perhaps ask a friend or two --- especially those who helped you after he walked out --- to assist you in the ceremonial 'release' of the relationship.
But whatever you do, no, I'm sorry: please do NOT contact him! No emails, no calls, nothing: all it's likely to do for him is confirm he was right to drop you like that.
posted by easily confused at 3:33 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
But whatever you do, no, I'm sorry: please do NOT contact him! No emails, no calls, nothing: all it's likely to do for him is confirm he was right to drop you like that.
posted by easily confused at 3:33 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I went through a very similar experience, including the accidental pregnancy and abortion. Others have touched on the douch-baggery of this guy, so I won't say much more about that, but I want to talk a little about the rest of it.
In my case, I conflated feelings of loss of the baby with feelings of loss of the relationship. This overlap kept me engaging with the guy because I was looking for peace and closure and, since he was the only obvious thing around, I went looking for it from him. In some ways it was useful because it distracted me from the gaping abyss of loss of the baby and the accompanying fantasy of what I had thought our life was going to be like. But I had to deal with that sooner or later and, because I went chasing after "closure" with the douche-bag, it was later.
I was and am pro-choice. I still--20 years later--think I made the best decision in the circumstances. And even with my current experience and maturity, I see reasonableness and thoughtfulness in the decision my 24-year-old self made. What I would change is what I did afterwards. Instead of redirecting my energy toward my own health and well-being, I continued to be involved with this guy for another four years. In that time I never dealt with the surprising confusion of emotions related to the abortion and loss of fantasy that meant. I didn't deal with my low set of standards for healthy relationships. I didn't deal with the physical reality of having been pregnant and recovering from that. I didn't deal with creating a future where I could be loved and be a parent and be loving. I was too busy seeking this guy out for reassurance--or to prove to him--that I was an ok person, that I was worthy of being loved, that my choices (of the pregnancy, of the abortion, even of him to begin with) didn't make me damaged goods.
So if this voice from the future can offer you any advice, it's this: every time you consider contact with him, entertain the idea that what you seek is contact with a version of yourself where you are loved, whole, and personify a loving relationship with an other, whether it be a romantic other or childlike other. Sit with that for 10 minutes. Let the wave of whatever emotion it is come up to you, hit your feet and chest. Sometimes the wave will be cold and strong and it'll throw your head back with its force. Sometimes it'll be warm and gentle and will support you. And then let it pass over you and behind you. Turn around and say thanks, then get on with your day. Good luck.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 3:49 AM on September 6, 2011 [19 favorites]
In my case, I conflated feelings of loss of the baby with feelings of loss of the relationship. This overlap kept me engaging with the guy because I was looking for peace and closure and, since he was the only obvious thing around, I went looking for it from him. In some ways it was useful because it distracted me from the gaping abyss of loss of the baby and the accompanying fantasy of what I had thought our life was going to be like. But I had to deal with that sooner or later and, because I went chasing after "closure" with the douche-bag, it was later.
I was and am pro-choice. I still--20 years later--think I made the best decision in the circumstances. And even with my current experience and maturity, I see reasonableness and thoughtfulness in the decision my 24-year-old self made. What I would change is what I did afterwards. Instead of redirecting my energy toward my own health and well-being, I continued to be involved with this guy for another four years. In that time I never dealt with the surprising confusion of emotions related to the abortion and loss of fantasy that meant. I didn't deal with my low set of standards for healthy relationships. I didn't deal with the physical reality of having been pregnant and recovering from that. I didn't deal with creating a future where I could be loved and be a parent and be loving. I was too busy seeking this guy out for reassurance--or to prove to him--that I was an ok person, that I was worthy of being loved, that my choices (of the pregnancy, of the abortion, even of him to begin with) didn't make me damaged goods.
So if this voice from the future can offer you any advice, it's this: every time you consider contact with him, entertain the idea that what you seek is contact with a version of yourself where you are loved, whole, and personify a loving relationship with an other, whether it be a romantic other or childlike other. Sit with that for 10 minutes. Let the wave of whatever emotion it is come up to you, hit your feet and chest. Sometimes the wave will be cold and strong and it'll throw your head back with its force. Sometimes it'll be warm and gentle and will support you. And then let it pass over you and behind you. Turn around and say thanks, then get on with your day. Good luck.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 3:49 AM on September 6, 2011 [19 favorites]
There's this great scene in an the otherwise horrible movie Sideways. A guy has been cheating on his fiancee with another woman, who has a child. The guy is all sweet and nice and the woman is really in to him, thinking they're going to have a real relationship. Then she finds out that he's just fucking her and set to be married soon. So when she see's him again, she bashes him in the face with a motorcycle helmet, breaking his nose. It fit and made perfect sense, movie wise. What the guy had done was pretty low and despicable, to the extent that having a decent conversation about it or seeking closure did match up to the antics the character pulled.
While I'm not advocating physical violence, I think a big 'ol "FUCK YOU, YOU SPINELESS SHIT" to his face might (MIGHT) be just what the doctor for ya. He thinks you're crazy. He tells everyone you're crazy. You're not crazy. What the hell kinda closure are you going to get from talking to him if he thinks you're crazy? The time for talking was a long time ago. I suggest that giving him that last bit of anger to face may exercise that final demon. The only caveat is that you can't do it and expect any sort of response for him. This is not the first move in a conversation. You walk up to him, you say "Fuck you. I loved you, I was hurting and needed you to be there and you split. Fuck you, you spineless shit", then turn on your heels and leave. If he wants to talk, you repeat "Fuck you" and keep walking.
If you can't do it like that, then just pour it out on letter, throw it in a drawer for a couple of weeks, then decide whether you want to send it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:56 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
While I'm not advocating physical violence, I think a big 'ol "FUCK YOU, YOU SPINELESS SHIT" to his face might (MIGHT) be just what the doctor for ya. He thinks you're crazy. He tells everyone you're crazy. You're not crazy. What the hell kinda closure are you going to get from talking to him if he thinks you're crazy? The time for talking was a long time ago. I suggest that giving him that last bit of anger to face may exercise that final demon. The only caveat is that you can't do it and expect any sort of response for him. This is not the first move in a conversation. You walk up to him, you say "Fuck you. I loved you, I was hurting and needed you to be there and you split. Fuck you, you spineless shit", then turn on your heels and leave. If he wants to talk, you repeat "Fuck you" and keep walking.
If you can't do it like that, then just pour it out on letter, throw it in a drawer for a couple of weeks, then decide whether you want to send it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:56 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree 100% with the people suggesting you make up a closure ritual and carry it out. I'm an atheist, but I think rituals have incredible power over our little lizard brains. People all over the world use rituals to signify big changes in their lives.
The thing is, if you force a confrontation with this guy, HE will be in control of the situation, and you are really not likely to get the closure you want. But if you make up a closure ritual, YOU are in charge of it. YOU get to symbolically sever him from your life forever, and there's nothing he can do about it. You can take his power away!
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:44 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
The thing is, if you force a confrontation with this guy, HE will be in control of the situation, and you are really not likely to get the closure you want. But if you make up a closure ritual, YOU are in charge of it. YOU get to symbolically sever him from your life forever, and there's nothing he can do about it. You can take his power away!
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:44 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
One of the most liberating moments of my life was when I realized that someone who Had Done Me Wrong was never going to be able to validate how bad their treatment of me had been. Because it had gotten to the point that what I was maddest about wasn't their treatment of me, but their lack of acknowledgment afterward that it had been that bad. Giving up that hope that they would ever validate my version of the situation turned out to be a very positive step for me. It led to peace.
posted by Ellemeno at 5:08 AM on September 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by Ellemeno at 5:08 AM on September 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
Also, Brandon Blatcher's comment reminded me of something that stood out in your post, the way you're willing to be all non-angry and politely requestful of a meeting for your sake as a favour from him if you do contact him. Like, maybe if you're really really nice and polite and don't inconvenience him with your real feelings and only ask for a teensy little bit of his time, he'll deign to give you a small amount of validation!
You don't need to bend over backwards to get him to sign off on how badly he treated you. You don't need to get him to sign off on how badly he treated you at all (which is good, because he probably won't, and if he ever does it'll be because he feels badly enough about it to contact you himself). I still think not contacting him at all is the best way to go - but for the sake of your own peace of mind, if you ever do bump into him at a party or whatever, don't act like you're the one who needs to be asking for favours.
posted by Catseye at 5:29 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
You don't need to bend over backwards to get him to sign off on how badly he treated you. You don't need to get him to sign off on how badly he treated you at all (which is good, because he probably won't, and if he ever does it'll be because he feels badly enough about it to contact you himself). I still think not contacting him at all is the best way to go - but for the sake of your own peace of mind, if you ever do bump into him at a party or whatever, don't act like you're the one who needs to be asking for favours.
posted by Catseye at 5:29 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
i know you really want to prove you're not the crazy girl, i understand that and have so been there. you might want to consider your current boyfriend for a minute...obsessing over your ex and your breakup a year later isn't exactly non-crazy behavior. i'm not saying you are crazy or were crazy or are unjustified in feeling how you feel, but i think you need to take a step back and think of how all this looks to your new love. i know you said he was cool with it, but that doesn't mean you're being fair to him.
posted by nadawi at 5:50 AM on September 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 5:50 AM on September 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
"What's getting to me is the idea that I'm sure he, because of who he is, thinks I was the crazy one and that he did nothing wrong. His powers of denial are profound,"
You can't fix this part. Honestly. Even in a healthy relationship, where one partner is convinced the other is being unreasonable (the gentler version of crazy), it's very difficult to alter one's perspective to understand the other's point of view ... and that's where you WANT to be getting along and understanding one another. Self-centered people who are convinced those who disagree with them are crazy can't be convinced otherwise.
"if he was unhappy there must be a reason."
I'm going to tell you about him what I'd tell you about you: if he was unhappy, he doesn't need more reason. Unhappiness is enough reason to leave a dating relationship. You're not obligated to stick it out just because you started dating. But maybe the larger point here? He sounds like rather a miserable person, who's probably unhappy a lot. He's probably going to spend a lot of his life being unhappy and making others unhappy and exploding relationships in his life -- because nobody ELSE is obligated to stick around and be unhappy either, except maybe some relatives. Aren't you glad you got off that unhappiness train?
Nothing he can say -- and certainly nothing he's GOING to say or WILLING to say -- can make this better or easier. But he could make it harder or worse. This closure and healing has to come from inside you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:28 AM on September 6, 2011
You can't fix this part. Honestly. Even in a healthy relationship, where one partner is convinced the other is being unreasonable (the gentler version of crazy), it's very difficult to alter one's perspective to understand the other's point of view ... and that's where you WANT to be getting along and understanding one another. Self-centered people who are convinced those who disagree with them are crazy can't be convinced otherwise.
"if he was unhappy there must be a reason."
I'm going to tell you about him what I'd tell you about you: if he was unhappy, he doesn't need more reason. Unhappiness is enough reason to leave a dating relationship. You're not obligated to stick it out just because you started dating. But maybe the larger point here? He sounds like rather a miserable person, who's probably unhappy a lot. He's probably going to spend a lot of his life being unhappy and making others unhappy and exploding relationships in his life -- because nobody ELSE is obligated to stick around and be unhappy either, except maybe some relatives. Aren't you glad you got off that unhappiness train?
Nothing he can say -- and certainly nothing he's GOING to say or WILLING to say -- can make this better or easier. But he could make it harder or worse. This closure and healing has to come from inside you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:28 AM on September 6, 2011
I submit that maybe you don't need closure from him, but from yourself, and that you don't need to find a way to forgive him, but to forgive yourself.
I have rarely read anything here that I agree with more than this. This captures the situation exactly. You are looking to him for forgiveness and closure, when in fact you need to find those things for and in yourself.
There are a lot of possible pathways to getting there. Therapy works for a lot of people; others create rituals, go on long trips, or just spend a weekend blind drunk. But it takes doing something that allows you to look at yourself in the mirror and feel better than you do now.
posted by Forktine at 6:29 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have rarely read anything here that I agree with more than this. This captures the situation exactly. You are looking to him for forgiveness and closure, when in fact you need to find those things for and in yourself.
There are a lot of possible pathways to getting there. Therapy works for a lot of people; others create rituals, go on long trips, or just spend a weekend blind drunk. But it takes doing something that allows you to look at yourself in the mirror and feel better than you do now.
posted by Forktine at 6:29 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Please do not contact this guy, nothing good will come from it. I agree completely with what Forktime said. Therapy can be very helpful in situations like this but so can rituals.
The human brain is wonderfully wired for symbolism. Find some way that will work for you.
Say write the guy a letter, pour your heart out into it, tell him every single thing you want to tell him and then for the love of God don't send it. Go out the back set up a nice blazing fire and burn it along with any other mementos of him you are keeping around. Or whatever sort of symbolic act works for you that helps you say its over, mistakes were made by everyone but I forgive myself.
I would combine above act with Forktimes other suggestion of a weekend blind drunk, but that's just me.
posted by wwax at 6:42 AM on September 6, 2011
The human brain is wonderfully wired for symbolism. Find some way that will work for you.
Say write the guy a letter, pour your heart out into it, tell him every single thing you want to tell him and then for the love of God don't send it. Go out the back set up a nice blazing fire and burn it along with any other mementos of him you are keeping around. Or whatever sort of symbolic act works for you that helps you say its over, mistakes were made by everyone but I forgive myself.
I would combine above act with Forktimes other suggestion of a weekend blind drunk, but that's just me.
posted by wwax at 6:42 AM on September 6, 2011
I think you really need to vent your anger. It is horrible to be made to feel so powerless, so repeatedly, from the pregnancy to the number change. Rage is entirely appropriate and normal. Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, getting in touch with him to either vent your wrath or get him to take some responsibility is likely to lead to neither of those outcomes. Disappointing people generally continue to be disappointing.
I would probably seek short term therapy, just to be able to tell the story, or gather all my girlfriends for a night in with Chinese and kleenex and seek mass comfort and validation. In other words, I would seek closure, but not with him.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:18 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would probably seek short term therapy, just to be able to tell the story, or gather all my girlfriends for a night in with Chinese and kleenex and seek mass comfort and validation. In other words, I would seek closure, but not with him.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:18 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm where you are now, and I did what you're thinking of doing. He never answered. While a part of me felt better for getting it off my chest and making it clear how I felt, it didn't make a dent in my anger. That he didn't answer only added insult to injury, and now I'm angry about that too.
Listen to the good advice here.
posted by unannihilated at 7:24 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Listen to the good advice here.
posted by unannihilated at 7:24 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I was exactly where you are now, 20 years ago, with the added drama that he had a partner already. No contact has worked for me, despite many years of anger and rage and what-if-he-might-leave-her-this-time? thoughts.
Bizarrely enough, we now have good mutual friends via the old demon Facebook, but there's not even a flicker of curiosity or interest on my part. I haven't looked at his FB page and I don't want to. I feel no small amount of pride and triumph about this, because it was a seriously shitty situation that messed my head up for far too long.
You can do this too. Write the letter that says everything you want to say, then read it aloud (shout it if you want to) and then burn it. I promise you'll feel better. Live your life well, and be happy that you escaped the chaos.
posted by vickyverky at 7:57 AM on September 6, 2011
Bizarrely enough, we now have good mutual friends via the old demon Facebook, but there's not even a flicker of curiosity or interest on my part. I haven't looked at his FB page and I don't want to. I feel no small amount of pride and triumph about this, because it was a seriously shitty situation that messed my head up for far too long.
You can do this too. Write the letter that says everything you want to say, then read it aloud (shout it if you want to) and then burn it. I promise you'll feel better. Live your life well, and be happy that you escaped the chaos.
posted by vickyverky at 7:57 AM on September 6, 2011
So that person you know who got closure by contacting her ex and he was all understanding and apologetic - the chance of that happening is like winning the lottery. There is a whole threadful of people here telling you it's not gonna happen but YOU KNOW SOMEONE that it happened to so maybe it will happen for you too. Somebody's gotta win, right? My advice to you (in addition to all the great advice upthtead) is to go buy a lottery ticket,the kind with a 6-number drawing. If you win the grand prize then I give you permission to contact your ex and tell him how you feel.
posted by CathyG at 8:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 8:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
You know how your ex has lied about you to his friends and family, about the circumstances of your breakup?
I'd bet money that he lied to YOU about his friends, his family, and the circumstances of his previous breakups.
Constantly as I read your post, I was thinking, "And how do you know that? Who told you that?" Who told you that his family was encouraging him to dump you? Who told you that his previous ex-girlfriends dumped him for being "spineless"? How do you know that "spineless" isn't code for "motherfucking weasel who called me psycho for having emotions about having an abortion"? It's a form of spinelessness, for sure.
I don't know that ALL these things are false, and I'm not sure it's important. But I'm pretty darn sure that the rosy-happy-shiny image of his relationships with EVERYONE BUT YOU is a carefully manufactured lie he's fed you.
I say this because part of what seems to be torturing you is that you're the only one who knows -- that there are all these people out there who have swallowed his bullshit completely, that all his OTHER exes think he's the bees knees if a bit of a wimp, that they all know you're the psycho.
You are not the only person who's seen through him. Other people who have been close to him have their own stories about him. You just haven't heard about it.
And contacting him won't help, because *he's* not going to tell you.
posted by endless_forms at 9:13 AM on September 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
I'd bet money that he lied to YOU about his friends, his family, and the circumstances of his previous breakups.
Constantly as I read your post, I was thinking, "And how do you know that? Who told you that?" Who told you that his family was encouraging him to dump you? Who told you that his previous ex-girlfriends dumped him for being "spineless"? How do you know that "spineless" isn't code for "motherfucking weasel who called me psycho for having emotions about having an abortion"? It's a form of spinelessness, for sure.
I don't know that ALL these things are false, and I'm not sure it's important. But I'm pretty darn sure that the rosy-happy-shiny image of his relationships with EVERYONE BUT YOU is a carefully manufactured lie he's fed you.
I say this because part of what seems to be torturing you is that you're the only one who knows -- that there are all these people out there who have swallowed his bullshit completely, that all his OTHER exes think he's the bees knees if a bit of a wimp, that they all know you're the psycho.
You are not the only person who's seen through him. Other people who have been close to him have their own stories about him. You just haven't heard about it.
And contacting him won't help, because *he's* not going to tell you.
posted by endless_forms at 9:13 AM on September 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is one of those scenarios where you write a letter on paper to the person then either burn it, throw it out, or mail it to a random address in the phone book (with no return address).
posted by WeekendJen at 11:08 AM on September 6, 2011
posted by WeekendJen at 11:08 AM on September 6, 2011
I recently had a man treat me very poorly and I found yelling at him to be extremely therapeutic. I felt like I got my point across and was able to drop the anger and walk away. I didnt expect am apology or reconciliation and he didn't enjoy it much but who cares since I don't plan on ever seeing him again? I felt better!
posted by fshgrl at 11:32 AM on September 6, 2011
posted by fshgrl at 11:32 AM on September 6, 2011
Wanted to add that I didn't wait a year. I pretty much gave it to him right away. I would still be seething if I hadn't so I understand how you feel.
The funny thing is that now HE can't let it go and keeps trying to "talk". I have no desire to talk to his stupid ass ever again but I told him that and why not (in great detail, since he asked). I didn't just change my number, that's is a jerk move and totally spineless.
posted by fshgrl at 11:51 AM on September 6, 2011
The funny thing is that now HE can't let it go and keeps trying to "talk". I have no desire to talk to his stupid ass ever again but I told him that and why not (in great detail, since he asked). I didn't just change my number, that's is a jerk move and totally spineless.
posted by fshgrl at 11:51 AM on September 6, 2011
You have caged thoughts that are endlessly circling and beating themselves against the walls of the cage. As long as this repetitive loop keeps beating you up, you can't effectively move away from it.
You are mourning the loss of a child, and mourning the loss of a relationship.
I read long ago that the Japanese call stillborn, miscarried, or aborted babies "water babies," and they have an annual holiday where parents commemorate the never-born children.
Perhaps you need to recognize your grief and guild for the never-born baby.
Afterwards, you can recognize your rage and hurt for the failure of the relationship.
I agree that a ritual with formal severing of ties and renunciation of emotional dependence would help remind you that this thing is OVER and DONE. When the needy thoughts come back, follow yoglemon's advice and do 50 situps.
Perhaps a doctor can prescribe a 6-month course of SSRIs to get you out of the obsessive thought loop.
It's not about him. He's a target, he's a symbol, but it's all about you.
posted by ohshenandoah at 11:52 AM on September 6, 2011
You are mourning the loss of a child, and mourning the loss of a relationship.
I read long ago that the Japanese call stillborn, miscarried, or aborted babies "water babies," and they have an annual holiday where parents commemorate the never-born children.
Perhaps you need to recognize your grief and guild for the never-born baby.
Afterwards, you can recognize your rage and hurt for the failure of the relationship.
I agree that a ritual with formal severing of ties and renunciation of emotional dependence would help remind you that this thing is OVER and DONE. When the needy thoughts come back, follow yoglemon's advice and do 50 situps.
Perhaps a doctor can prescribe a 6-month course of SSRIs to get you out of the obsessive thought loop.
It's not about him. He's a target, he's a symbol, but it's all about you.
posted by ohshenandoah at 11:52 AM on September 6, 2011
This isn't between you and him, it's between you and yourself! This is about you inside - that's where all the answers and closure and serenity is, too.
Also. Write it all out, read it a few times, and set that shit on fire. I LOVE this suggestion from above.
Good luck! I swear you'll get over this. Promise.
posted by jbenben at 1:54 PM on September 6, 2011
Also. Write it all out, read it a few times, and set that shit on fire. I LOVE this suggestion from above.
Good luck! I swear you'll get over this. Promise.
posted by jbenben at 1:54 PM on September 6, 2011
Doing a "closure ritual" may sound goofy at first blush, but research shows it works.
posted by Lexica at 2:47 PM on September 6, 2011
posted by Lexica at 2:47 PM on September 6, 2011
I have to agree that if anybody gets back in touch, it should be him, because from the sounds of it he is the one who should be sorry!
I suppose there's a remote chance that he's out there somewhere feeling remorseful. Unfortunately, unless he actually contacts you with an unsolicited apology, any attitude of remorse he might have is likely to resemble something like this: "hmmm, I really did wrong to timsneezed... maybe I should apologize or something... nah, it would only be for me. I know what, I'll do a ritual whereby I write a letter of self-forgiveness and burn it! That'll give me the closure I deserve!"
Honestly, I feel anger on your behalf. As if "crazy ex" is a get-out-of-jail free card for treating you like this over a matter of life and death. I wish I could convey my outrage with adequate force.
Like Brandon Blatcher, I'm not suggesting you go over there and hit him with the nearest piece of sporting equipment, but he really deserves to have his behaviour condemned in the strongest possible terms, and it also sounds like you have nothing to lose by doing so.
Also, keep in mind, when you think it through, you get something that sounds a lot more like what Catseye said.
Without going into detail, I've been fuming a lot on the "cheats always prosper" theme myself lately, and this evening I got a piece of news that suggest that, actually, they don't. Not always, anyway. Sometimes cause and effect actually does happen to wrongdoers.
posted by tel3path at 4:15 PM on September 6, 2011
I suppose there's a remote chance that he's out there somewhere feeling remorseful. Unfortunately, unless he actually contacts you with an unsolicited apology, any attitude of remorse he might have is likely to resemble something like this: "hmmm, I really did wrong to timsneezed... maybe I should apologize or something... nah, it would only be for me. I know what, I'll do a ritual whereby I write a letter of self-forgiveness and burn it! That'll give me the closure I deserve!"
Honestly, I feel anger on your behalf. As if "crazy ex" is a get-out-of-jail free card for treating you like this over a matter of life and death. I wish I could convey my outrage with adequate force.
Like Brandon Blatcher, I'm not suggesting you go over there and hit him with the nearest piece of sporting equipment, but he really deserves to have his behaviour condemned in the strongest possible terms, and it also sounds like you have nothing to lose by doing so.
Also, keep in mind, when you think it through, you get something that sounds a lot more like what Catseye said.
Without going into detail, I've been fuming a lot on the "cheats always prosper" theme myself lately, and this evening I got a piece of news that suggest that, actually, they don't. Not always, anyway. Sometimes cause and effect actually does happen to wrongdoers.
posted by tel3path at 4:15 PM on September 6, 2011
You know what, I suggest writing a letter of everything you want to get off your chest about this jerk. Then I suggest reading it over and thinking about everything great that you did. Like surviving this whole horrible experience, having a boyfriend who you are happy with now and realizing this ex was a jerk when everyone else thinks he's the greatest person on earth. If getting all of this out helps you, I say do what everyone else suggests and perform a closure ritual.
If that doesn't help you..I'd edit your letter to get what you really want to express to this guy out and send it. If that's what will make you feel better. Just don't expect anything from it. Don't expect him to be sorry, don't expect him to answer it and don't expect him to care because it sounds like he won't. Go into this thinking that, hey, at least I got what I wanted to say out. I did this recently with an ex myself and you know what, it felt better for me. I expected him not to answer and I expected him to keep on being a jerk, but I felt better for saying what I wanted to. I felt better for being the better person in all of this.
I say, if you _must_ write to him, that you do it for yourself and don't expect anything from him. Do what you have to to get closure, move on and continue to be happy with your current boyfriend, who sounds really supportive. Good luck, whatever you decide.
posted by Polgara at 9:33 PM on September 6, 2011
If that doesn't help you..I'd edit your letter to get what you really want to express to this guy out and send it. If that's what will make you feel better. Just don't expect anything from it. Don't expect him to be sorry, don't expect him to answer it and don't expect him to care because it sounds like he won't. Go into this thinking that, hey, at least I got what I wanted to say out. I did this recently with an ex myself and you know what, it felt better for me. I expected him not to answer and I expected him to keep on being a jerk, but I felt better for saying what I wanted to. I felt better for being the better person in all of this.
I say, if you _must_ write to him, that you do it for yourself and don't expect anything from him. Do what you have to to get closure, move on and continue to be happy with your current boyfriend, who sounds really supportive. Good luck, whatever you decide.
posted by Polgara at 9:33 PM on September 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by facetious at 10:53 PM on September 5, 2011 [6 favorites]