Lost Thought, Lost Mind
September 4, 2011 12:35 PM Subscribe
Where is my mind?
I'm not too sure what's happening to me or my mind, but it seems like my mind is deteriorating which is a scary concept all in itself. My thoughts feel very distant in my head and a lot of the times, there aren't any thoughts in my head despite my actions or words that are expressed. I have a very difficult time understanding my emotions, how to define them, or why I feel a certain way. I cannot visualize things in my mind. I feel very disconnected and as if I'm watching myself from a distance. For instance, I called the mental health helpline earlier this week because I needed someone to talk to about my state of mind, but I felt like I was having an out of body experience the entire time that I was talking to the person. This out of body experience is a constant thing, regardless of whether or not I am with someone, many people, or alone in my room. I feel very disconnected from my actions and the words that I speak. Sometimes I try to force myself to put my mind back into place (as ridiculous as that may sound), but then an uncomfortable/itchy/agitated feeling overcomes my mind. I have felt this way for more than three years, although I cannot pinpoint when this started. My ability to think, feel, and connect is deteriorating over time too. I am able to function in life which is evident based on my marks in university, ability to write (and do a slightly decent job),receive perfect (100%) quality 'assessments' at work, and ability to converse with other people (although it doesn't feel like I am mentally present in any of these moments). I know what to say and how to act in order to appear present or 'aware', so nobody has ever stopped to question me. But, I always feel like I am having an out of body experience and watching myself from a distance. I have a very difficult time remembering anything. Words and images do not register in my mind which makes it difficult for me to learn anything, communicate effectively, or live a better life. I can appear like I'm listening when conversing, I can form coherent words together (even thought I can't seem to put much thought into it regardless of how hard I try), but I feel like these aren't my words. People's actions and communication (both verbal and nonverbal) also feel far away from me. I work as a customer service representative, so my job requires a lot of listening, but the words that callers and co-workers say pass right through me. I have tried to tell myself that I need to listen, but for some reason, I am rarely if ever able to listen. Yet, I am still able to help out the callers, discuss the next steps, and collect the necessary information from them, but I never feel like I am present when doing my job.
I have booked an appointment with a counsellor that I have already seen twice before. I am hoping that she can help me work towards understanding what is happening with me. I feel like there might be a chemical imbalance, or that this happened as a defense mechanism because of previous negative experiences. Previously, I went to the counsellor to discuss life stresses about human relations. I went to see the counsellor the second time because I had already booked the appointment and wanted her to know that I was fine. She said that I seem to have the appropriate tools to work through these problems and that we can basically play the next appointment by ear to see if it's necessary. I am not sure what she'll think because I cried during my first session with her and seemed happy the second time we talked, so it will probably not make any sense and I hope that she won't think of me as a fraud that's seeking attention.
I just really need some help because I don't know what's happening and I don't want to live my life like this. Has anyone ever gone through something similar? If so, for how long? Were you able to change things, or did this remain a permanent state of mind?
Side note: I am also going to book an appointment with a physician after I talk to my counsellor. I hope that there is something that can be done to change my state of mind.