Please let me just sneak quietly out the nearest exit
September 4, 2011 2:56 AM   Subscribe

Resignation etiquette: Is it unprofessional / bad manners to try to discourage your colleagues from planning a farewell function for you?

While I like my colleagues and have enjoyed a good few years at the workplace I'm leaving next week, I really really don't want a farewell function. The basic reason is minor social anxiety, plus I am trying to quit drinking and smoking and don't want to be tempted, plus I find that there is a lot of explaining to do when making a career change of this kind. There has already been a couple of laughs and WTFs from people when I mentioned I was leaving the organisation, regarded as one of the best in the field, for a very different kind of job (which I am starting to feel somewhat defensive about).

I just want to leave with the minimum of fuss and say goodbyes personally to those I know. The thought of a big gathering, speech or gift (as is traditional in this workplace) makes me cringe. I already mentioned this preference casually to my manager, when the subject came up, and she was fine with it, but then a senior colleague pressed me 'well, what about a few drinks... what about a lunch or dinner... how about we do X or Y instead'. I sort of vaguely declined and tried to avoid the issue, saying I might plan something, I would see what happened. But I don't want to do that either, as I'm worried about who to invite without leaving people out. Now I'm worried I've offended her. I know she was just trying to be nice but I felt really pressured that she wasn't taking the hint.

My question is, what is the most polite, professional way to proceed? Is it bad manners not to organise drinks or something... or to help the colleague organise them? even though I'd prefer to avoid the whole situation?

NB. I am SURE I read an identical question to this previously, but can't seem to find it.
posted by Weng to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Here's previous similar question.

[Almost thought you were the same person]

I think clear communication is the best policy with these things:

1) People should respect your feelings about Alcohol. Just tell them that you don't drink. Don't offer a reason why. If they ask [then they're being rude] then tell them the answer. There is not reason in the world to keep it a secret. It's only awkward if you're awkward about it. I have many friends who are recovering alcoholics who just say, "no thanks, I'll have a coke". Nobody bats an eye. Business as usual.

2) About the party: if it's traditional for them to do something for you then you should go. It takes a lot of energy to fight tradition (not impossible, but you gotta ask yourself how much is the fight worth to you). HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you have to do things you don't want to do--drink, give a speech, answer uncomfortable questions. Just say no to those things. Feel free to be blunt [and even rude]--because it's not fair for them to ask you to do them.

3) If you have to give a speech, just be short and simple. Look everyone in the eyes, say thanks for doing all this and it's been great knowing you and then raise your [non-alcoholic beverage] up and say cheers. Done. Then life goes on. You can leave an hour later. No big deal.

4) I think you're brave changing careers. Don't worry a bit about what anyone else thinks.
posted by Murray M at 3:15 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


Arrange for it to be at a cafe. Minimises speaking embarassments, no major boozing.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:44 AM on September 4, 2011


Got two options for you, both of which have been done by people at my firm:

1. Go for lunch on the day and send out a quick email that morning saying something like "I'm not doing leaving drinks but please join me for lunch if you'd like to!". Precludes boozing as long as you go to a non-boozy cafe or perhaps to the park, keeps it short, and not too many will come as it'll be short notice.

2. Say you've got too much on at the moment to do a leaving do, but you promise to arrange an evening out in the next few weeks once you've got your shit together. Then don't. People will be disappointed, but it's an easy way out and one I've seen a few folk take.

My personal feelings, not that you need to take notice, is that it's a bit of a shame, to deprive people of the opportunity to say goodbye outside of the workplace, without their phone going in the background, and in a more relaxed way. People like to do it, it's like weddings, it's not always all about you. But if you don;t want it, then i hope the above help :)
posted by greenish at 5:05 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


As a data point, when I left my most recent job, we had a little farewell lunch at a casual restaurant near the office, and no one talked to me about my departure at all. We just chatted about other stuff and their lives and the food and whatever. You may not really feel the need to explain yourself at the farewell. By the time that rolls around, everyone already knows and has accepted you're leaving.

Congrats on the career change!
posted by pupstocks at 5:59 AM on September 4, 2011 [2 favorites]


I've seen more than a few planned-by-others leaving parties short-circuited by the departing person taking a last-minute sick day, personal day, or vacation day or days or by "working at home" those days.
posted by Mo Nickels at 6:29 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


Who organizes these things at your workplace? Go to that person, tell them I genuinely do not want a farewell event, as I'm really uncomfortable in situations like that. If there's continued discussion, note that you are avoiding venues with drinking and smoking, or just say that you have a previous event planned that day after work. Since it's a tradition, maybe there's an alternative. Lunch at a cafe, or muffins & coffee on your last day.
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on September 4, 2011


You mention that the organization you're leaving is regarded as one of the best in the field, so don't burn any bridges. Send out an e-mail thanking everyone and mention you're bringing bagels or whatever and fancy coffee to the break room for everyone on your last day. Everyone likes a treat during the work day, people can come and go back to their desks, you can linger or not chatting with people, ta-dah, social obligation completed!
posted by Allee Katze at 6:36 AM on September 4, 2011 [7 favorites]


I was in your shoes in the past. I approached the department's "social chair" and asked if we could have a farewell lunch rather than a happy hour and she obliged. The lunch was great, no one drank, everyone was happy to have a chance to say goodbye informally.
posted by telegraph at 8:06 AM on September 4, 2011 [3 favorites]


Whatever you don't want is fine to decline, but definitely try to advocate for something you can stand to do.

And as a person who doesn't drink, but for religious reasons: very few folks in the "workplace acquaintances" category care to know why you don't drink. Just saying "I'll have X instead" is more than sufficient. Follow up with "I don't drink, thanks," if someone is pushy about buying you a beer.
posted by SMPA at 8:23 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you have minor social anxiety, an event like this could be an opportunity to work on that. A lunch at a casual cafe might be a good way for you to acknowledge your colleagues and receive their good wishes. Lunch isn't the same as a gold watch presentation at a formal banquet.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:30 AM on September 4, 2011


"You know I love our team. I'm bringing in doughnuts on my last day and I'll make the rounds with goodbyes to everyone." Or, you know, lunch. Lots of us aren't comfortable with the format of drinks parties with coworkers, even of we genuinely like everyone there.
posted by mochapickle at 10:52 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


I've seen more than a few planned-by-others leaving parties short-circuited by the departing person taking a last-minute sick day, personal day, or vacation day or days or by "working at home" those days.

If people like you, this is a little bit hurtful and will come across as perhaps more hostile than you can imagine. I had a coworker that was even more of an introvert than I am, and she was leaving. I got a card and some cupcakes, because it would be very low-key but would let her know that some of us appreciated her. When someone told her that we were going to bring in cupcakes, she called out sick that day.

I still feel a little bit of a sting that she was that resentful and angry about the job (which was admittedly a dreadful place) and the people she worked with that she didn't want to take five minutes to eat a cupcake and let us give her a card.
posted by winna at 1:29 PM on September 4, 2011 [2 favorites]


See if you can select the restaurant where the farewell lunch will be at. It might make you a little more comfortable being in familiar surroundings (if you've eaten there before), and if you think that alcohol will be an issue, you can pick a place that doesn't offer it.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:30 AM on September 5, 2011


I am the manager of an excellent employee who will be retiring in the nearish future. He has asked me to ensure there isn't a farewell lunch or other event, for personal reasons.

I have had to repeatedly stand up to my boss and to the individuals who tend to organize celebrations in our School, insisting there will be no special event in accordance with the departing employee's wishes. I am glad to do this on the employee's behalf: I see advocating for my staff as part of my job.

If I were your manager, I would want to know about the pressure you're getting to go against your wishes so I could stand up for you without revealing personal information you may not be comfortable sharing with others in the company.
posted by thatdawnperson at 6:34 AM on September 5, 2011


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