employment, careers, depression, and inpatient psychiatric care
September 1, 2011 7:02 PM Subscribe
Am I depressed because I hate my job? or do I hate my job because I'm depressed? Quitting is a bad idea, right? What about going to a psychiatric hospital? (warning: long)
posted by sarahj to health & fitness (29 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
For a few months now I've been futzing with my brain trying to get depression and medication side effects/tiredness under control. Thanks to the hospital I get care from, I received a new psychiatrist a month+ ago and I think I've decided he's not really helping, even though I don't really have any solid reason for saying that. I tried Cymbalta and Celexa in the past but I blame them for shitty misery-making side effects. My new psychiatrist prescribed me wellbutrin which had potential but now it seems like all of my rational emotions have disappeared. I've become complainy, crabby, an asshole, apathetic, more anxious and more depressed.
This sort of coincided with a downturn in my enjoyment of my job. I got extremely lucky after graduating last year and was hired as a web developer with a major role in designing and developing a database-based website for researchers. It was exactly what I wanted to do (in theory), paid well, had job security, was within my skill set, was fun, interesting, and so on. Within the past month or so it's been finalized that year 2 of funding and development is going to start and it's sort of just assumed that I'm staying on. In school all I only ever really did was short term projects that I could put away after a while. This is now such a big clunker of a project that I don't even want to look at it anymore. I'm sick of it. the data being stored doesn't interest me. Appeasing the users doesn't interest me. All the features that are desired for the second year of the project don't involve much creativity and I'm not even sure I can do them and I certainly don't give a shit. Every time we have to put together any sort of schedule or timeline I just want to cry because I don't want to BE there tomorrow, or in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months. This is especially painful because this was my dream job. this was my ideal job that I was so happy to get and I don't really know what else I can do other than this. And even if I did quit, which I shouldn't, I'd be leaving my coworkers in the lurch and would probably not be able to get any recommendations for just ditching the project like this.
I started really feeling this way 2 weeks before my previously planned vacation break. It got harder and harder to go to work or be at work without wanting to just cry. I would waste a lot of time on the internet in order to avoid the tedious-as-fuck tasks I should have been doing. I would count down the minutes until I could go home (like always) and then once I got home I would do essentially nothing. I left on my glorious 10-day vacation hoping that it would solve all my problems. I was with my boyfriend and I absolutely ruined a couple of days of it for him because I was being so crabby, fighty, and when any discussions veered towards my job or friends or "how great this city is, I want to move here!", cry-ey.
I went back to work on Tuesday. All I can think about when I'm at home is having to go to work and sit at that desk all day. When I'm at work all I can think about is how much I don't want to be there. I try and convince myself that it's only because I'm depressed, and it doesn't *really* make sense to quit because of money and job security all that bullshit that I really don't think i care about anymore, except the insurance I guess. My boyfriend thinks I'm being immature and ridiculous when I say I want to just quit without other plans. I'm sure he's right, but just being at work, just sitting at my desk is so. hard. And the thought of staying there and at the same time looking for jobs until I find something better is mostly what's making me do so many web searches for local inpatient psychiatric care.
Today my project manager called me into her office and basically said she noticed that something was wrong, I should try and show some "more enthusiasm" for the project, I could take a day off if necessary but that it's not worth it to come in to work if I'm not going to be enthusiastic because there's a lot to do. This was probably because I spent the whole meeting daydreaming about my lucky friend whose job is to take care of experimental rats in a research facility. I told her I had considered taking today and yesterday off as sick days but felt too guilty to do it after taking such a long vacation. I sneaked out an hour early after that conversation so I wouldn't be seen crying at work.
Since i got back from my trip I've been googling inpatient psychiatric care in my city (Boston). I really just want to go somewhere and stay there away from people, fix my problems and not have to think about going back to work. My current psych is on vacation until next week and I don't have an appointment until thursday which seems like an eternity. I don't think he's much help anyway. I stopped taking the wellbutrin after my third vacation breakdown. I tried to set up a new psychiatrist appointment elsewhere but the organization I wanted to go to doesn't accept my insurance, and all the ones on my insurance list near my workplace have lousy reviews or are too far for me to travel during a lunch break or have the wrong specialty or i just don't want to be cold calling these people. I'm not suicidal at all but I'm just miserable in my own skin and want to sleep until the next ice age. I bought both "feeling good" and "what color is your parachute" but I can't get myself to read anything except blogs, or do anything except sleep or maybe play minecraft. and the thing is, it comes and goes too. when I got home and ate dinner, I was fine. writing this post and thinking about potentially having to go to work or see friends tomorrow is turning on the waterworks. I'm dreading having to interact with people I know this weekend. I'm ruining this long weekend before it even starts, and no matter what I'll just have to get up and go to work afterwards.
anyway, okay, there it is. I'm so sorry that's so much text and it's all over the place. I feel ridiculous when I compare this to real world problems but I still just have no idea what to do. I want to check myself into a facility but that seems drastic, expensive, and will cut into the only not-at-work time that I have. What I really want is a psychiatrist appointment NOW but that's unrealistic. Can anyone offer any advice or cambridge/somerville/boston area resources? Should I quit my job? that's immature, right? can I quit by phone and just not go back? is there an urgent-but-not-really-emergency psychiatric facility I could check myself into, or some 24-hour miracle psychiatrist I could visit? What would that be like?
...once again I'm so sorry this got so long. I really appreciate any advice.