I want to stop looking for everyone's approval. How do I do that?
September 1, 2011 9:01 AM Subscribe
I am a successful human being - employed, married, friends, good relationships with family. However, I find myself engaging in insecure and annoying approval-seeking behavior.
I feel compelled to tell X (where x = my partner, sibling, friend) about whatever cool thing I have done with a particular tone of 'and that's awesome, right?' I save up stories that I feel will be interesting to re-tell in conversation with these people - but then, if they are obviously not interested, I am disproportionately disappointed and not able to let it go. If I do someone a favor and they don't gush over how great it is, I will find myself pointing out what I did and waiting for praise. Fishing for compliments as well. I don't like this behavior in myself. I would rather be the cool cucumber type who is just naturally awesome. I am aware that jumping up and down and pointing out my awesomeness seriously detracts from the desired effect. Also, intellectually I know that these people like/love me. They are really my friends. I shouldn't need constant acknowledgement of that.
I was a total friendless geek in high school but I was never a wanna-be - it was always important for me to forge my own path and keep my dignity - which is probably why this bugs me so much now. How can I be more self-confident and less dependent on this outside reinforcement that I seem to be looking for?
I feel compelled to tell X (where x = my partner, sibling, friend) about whatever cool thing I have done with a particular tone of 'and that's awesome, right?' I save up stories that I feel will be interesting to re-tell in conversation with these people - but then, if they are obviously not interested, I am disproportionately disappointed and not able to let it go. If I do someone a favor and they don't gush over how great it is, I will find myself pointing out what I did and waiting for praise. Fishing for compliments as well. I don't like this behavior in myself. I would rather be the cool cucumber type who is just naturally awesome. I am aware that jumping up and down and pointing out my awesomeness seriously detracts from the desired effect. Also, intellectually I know that these people like/love me. They are really my friends. I shouldn't need constant acknowledgement of that.
I was a total friendless geek in high school but I was never a wanna-be - it was always important for me to forge my own path and keep my dignity - which is probably why this bugs me so much now. How can I be more self-confident and less dependent on this outside reinforcement that I seem to be looking for?
I'm not usually the way you describe, but I have fallen into that behaviour in the past. When I have done, it's usually because some other need of mine wasn't being met. So the acknowledgement seeking was really covering for some other, deeper, underlying thing that I needed to address.
You may be going through something similar. Look for other areas of your life where you feel underappreciated or underacknowledged - work, maybe?
posted by LN at 9:12 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You may be going through something similar. Look for other areas of your life where you feel underappreciated or underacknowledged - work, maybe?
posted by LN at 9:12 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think family and close friends are supposed to give pats on the back and praise. Maybe you've conditioned them to think you don't care about such things over the years? I think that sharing good news at dinner and inviting them to celebrate some milestone is fine! Make it a little party--not for every tiny thing, but if you've accomplished something you're proud of, buy some cupcakes and feel festive.
In general, I operate without anyone's approval, but sometimes, I do want to express my happiness at having finished something hard, and I want the people in my life to be happy for me, too. So, I say I'm happy or proud and somehow make them feel good about this for me, too. It's okay to toot your own horn sometimes. Just don't blast it in someone's ear.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:17 AM on September 1, 2011
In general, I operate without anyone's approval, but sometimes, I do want to express my happiness at having finished something hard, and I want the people in my life to be happy for me, too. So, I say I'm happy or proud and somehow make them feel good about this for me, too. It's okay to toot your own horn sometimes. Just don't blast it in someone's ear.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:17 AM on September 1, 2011
I favourited this because I feel this way about myself quite often, and I'd like to know others' take on it.
However, I thought about it for a second, and the people i know who can be a little "jump around saying look what I did", and I realised that I quite like that they do that, especially with a degree of honesty. Like, they know that they're asking a favour of you to acnowledge their triumph/cleverness/win-ness, but they're still asking because they could do with the boost.
So I think a healthily moderate amount of this behaviour is fine, and nothing to worry about. If you still think you're doing it too much (can't say I'm not still worried about myself doing it too much either!) then lets see what other people have got to offer us :)
posted by greenish at 9:21 AM on September 1, 2011
However, I thought about it for a second, and the people i know who can be a little "jump around saying look what I did", and I realised that I quite like that they do that, especially with a degree of honesty. Like, they know that they're asking a favour of you to acnowledge their triumph/cleverness/win-ness, but they're still asking because they could do with the boost.
So I think a healthily moderate amount of this behaviour is fine, and nothing to worry about. If you still think you're doing it too much (can't say I'm not still worried about myself doing it too much either!) then lets see what other people have got to offer us :)
posted by greenish at 9:21 AM on September 1, 2011
Sounds like a case of the social anxieties.
I am this way as well, except instead of feeling bad for saying too much about myself, I never say anything at all, ever, so no one ever knows any of the things I can do. Which is, in turn, depressing, just as constantly criticizing yourself for talking too much is depressing.
The good news is it isn't your fault. Susceptibility to social anxiety is evolutionarily selected for, one thought being that in hunter-gatherer days to be separated from the pack was tantamount to death. So, in a situation like that, fear of loss of face or perceived value, approval seeking, deference, crazy self-critical overreaction to minor social bumps, could mean you don't get kicked out to fend for yourself.
Naturally, it is totally anachronistic now, now it's just a pain in the ass.
I couldn't tell from your post whether this is a chronic lifelong thing or if you're just having a spell. But in any case, yeah therapy or reading a good book about it can be really helpful.
posted by TheRedArmy at 9:39 AM on September 1, 2011
I am this way as well, except instead of feeling bad for saying too much about myself, I never say anything at all, ever, so no one ever knows any of the things I can do. Which is, in turn, depressing, just as constantly criticizing yourself for talking too much is depressing.
The good news is it isn't your fault. Susceptibility to social anxiety is evolutionarily selected for, one thought being that in hunter-gatherer days to be separated from the pack was tantamount to death. So, in a situation like that, fear of loss of face or perceived value, approval seeking, deference, crazy self-critical overreaction to minor social bumps, could mean you don't get kicked out to fend for yourself.
Naturally, it is totally anachronistic now, now it's just a pain in the ass.
I couldn't tell from your post whether this is a chronic lifelong thing or if you're just having a spell. But in any case, yeah therapy or reading a good book about it can be really helpful.
posted by TheRedArmy at 9:39 AM on September 1, 2011
My partner does this. He's aware of it and doesn't like that he does it, but it's an ingrained behavior. Especially when he does something nice, like fix a door hinge or some other not-time-consuming but deferred-maintenance-around-the-house thing that needs doing. I LOVE HIM for doing these things. I LOVE HIM even if he doesn't do those things. But I don't love when he points them out to me and then waits, like the dogs waiting for a treat after coming inside, for me to say "yay, thank you! you're so awesome!"
Here's why I don't love it: first it tells me he's not doing it because it needs doing, and he's not doing it for me, he's doing it for him. And second (and this is the biggie IMO), it doesn't give me an opportunity to discover it on my own and respond genuinely. I want to appreciate him, and given the chance I do have my own ways of showing/expressing/reciprocating, but when he neeeeeeeeeds me to appreciate him, and he goes to the effort of setting up the circumstances under which I show/express my appreciation, then nothing I say/do to show/express is going to be genuine. It's not a give-and-take between us. It's him, setting me up as a mirror, to reflect back to him what he needs to hear.
And here's where it gets sticky. It makes me resent, rather than appreciate, the things he does. It makes me not want to ask him for help. It makes me not want to do nice things for him because then we'll get caught up in a bizarre one-upsmanship of niceness that feels more like obligation than love.
Let me reiterate: I adore my partner. I appreciate him like you would not believe. He has some crazymad skills around the house, tech-wise, socially with people, etc. that I sometimes just sit back and watch with amazement. He is awesome. If he really knew how awesome he was, he wouldn't need to hear it all the time. I am sure you are awesome too. If you believe it yourself, you won't need other people to tell you so.
posted by headnsouth at 10:33 AM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Here's why I don't love it: first it tells me he's not doing it because it needs doing, and he's not doing it for me, he's doing it for him. And second (and this is the biggie IMO), it doesn't give me an opportunity to discover it on my own and respond genuinely. I want to appreciate him, and given the chance I do have my own ways of showing/expressing/reciprocating, but when he neeeeeeeeeds me to appreciate him, and he goes to the effort of setting up the circumstances under which I show/express my appreciation, then nothing I say/do to show/express is going to be genuine. It's not a give-and-take between us. It's him, setting me up as a mirror, to reflect back to him what he needs to hear.
And here's where it gets sticky. It makes me resent, rather than appreciate, the things he does. It makes me not want to ask him for help. It makes me not want to do nice things for him because then we'll get caught up in a bizarre one-upsmanship of niceness that feels more like obligation than love.
Let me reiterate: I adore my partner. I appreciate him like you would not believe. He has some crazymad skills around the house, tech-wise, socially with people, etc. that I sometimes just sit back and watch with amazement. He is awesome. If he really knew how awesome he was, he wouldn't need to hear it all the time. I am sure you are awesome too. If you believe it yourself, you won't need other people to tell you so.
posted by headnsouth at 10:33 AM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
This came up in a similar question a few days ago. I strongly recommended this book then, and still do. It's simple and it has a slight veneer of touchy-feely self-help woo, but man, it works.
posted by jbickers at 10:40 AM on September 1, 2011
posted by jbickers at 10:40 AM on September 1, 2011
Nthing therapy, maybe cognitive behavioral therapy. It sounds like you already understand your behavior intellectually, and now you need help changing your pattern. Approval-seeking is a habit as much as anything, and you're going to need to practice not doing it.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 10:41 AM on September 1, 2011
posted by Nibbly Fang at 10:41 AM on September 1, 2011
Actively try to ask other people about their accomplishments and take a genuine interest in them. You probably already do this to a certain extent, but when people do come around to take an interest in your accomplishments they will in turn care and you will feel more comfortable talking about yourself when you have made deposits in the relationship already.
posted by dgran at 10:52 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by dgran at 10:52 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am a little bit like you. Some of my coworkers and friends actually have been my nice audience to listen to me showing off my life. Then recently I realized my own narcissism. I am not genuinely interested in other's well being as much as my own. I am helping people to boost my own self-image. I like to control things too. I learned that narcissism is something I want to grow out of. I want to be connected to the big things in life and be a servant of the good force. Only that way, I can get genuine respect and love back from others. I hope sharing my thought help you a little bit.
posted by akomom at 1:16 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by akomom at 1:16 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I could have written headnsouth's response. I will add that the other downside is when my spouse behaves this way, I end up feeling like his mom not his wife. That is not the marital dynamic I want to live in. It is not my role to pat you on the head and validate your existence 24/7.
There is a normal level for this type of approval/reciprocation and it sounds like you (like my spouse) consistently exceed it. I think I know why my spouse does it but I don't know enough about your background to make such assumptions. Suffice to say you need to examine yourself and figure out why the approval is the most important thing driving your behavior. The resentment this can breed will be destructive- and as headnsouth described, the resentment will build on both sides.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:59 AM on September 3, 2011
There is a normal level for this type of approval/reciprocation and it sounds like you (like my spouse) consistently exceed it. I think I know why my spouse does it but I don't know enough about your background to make such assumptions. Suffice to say you need to examine yourself and figure out why the approval is the most important thing driving your behavior. The resentment this can breed will be destructive- and as headnsouth described, the resentment will build on both sides.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:59 AM on September 3, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, you have something that is hanging over your head that you don't identify here, or are not aware of that is keeping you from feeling fulfilled by your own actions. Whatever this is requires outside affirmation.
We all go through periods in our lives where we are unsure of ourselves or are not totally convinced that what we are doing is right/good and therefore look outwards for support. It's not a big deal, but if you feel like this is a problem, then the best way to overcome it is to get to the root of the issue and take steps to resolve it.
Take a hard look at your life and see if there is anything missing, or you are unfulfilled in some way. Have there been any big changes that are causing unease in your life. Do you feel like you are stuck in a rut in your life?
posted by TheBones at 9:10 AM on September 1, 2011