Dropping in

June 3, 2005 6:22 PM

My wife thinks it is perfectly acceptable for family and neighbors to drop by our house unexpectedly. I disagree, believing that people should call before they come -- whether it is to return a loaned chair or drop in to say hi. What is your view?
posted by terrier319 to society & culture (41 comments total)

It depends, if somebody occasionaly just stops by (Hey, I saw you in the driveway and thought I'd stop in) that doesn't bother me. If it's a habit then it can get a bit tiresome. A couple of my friends used to do that, they'd just drop by and expect me to entertain them so I'd have to drop what I was doing.
posted by substrate at 6:33 PM on June 3, 2005

I figure it's fine for people to drop by if they are willing to accept "hey now is really not a good time right now" and then leave. We have people drop in a lot and I pretty much like it. I'll drop in on some friends, not on others [less so on families, more so on my single pals esp the ones who live alone] and usually only on weekend afternoons if we're in the neighborhood. That said, in the land of cell phones, a quick courtesy call "hey we're in the neighborhood, is now an okay time to drop by?" is always appreciated. Also, drop-ins should be sort of brief -- maybe some time jawing on the porch with a cup of tea for half an hour -- and then they should leave on their own prerogative. If they don't, it's totally okay to say "well we've got some stuff we have to get back to...." and go get back to it. I always figure if I drop in on someone unexpectedly, there is a chance they won't be free to hang out and there is also a chance I'll be put to work if they're doing chores.

In general, it's cultural. I certainly don't think you're wrong in not wanting people to drop by without calling, I just do things differently.
posted by jessamyn at 6:46 PM on June 3, 2005

I have to agree with substrate.

If it's a once in a while thing, then it's perfectly fine. If it's a habit? No.

Of course, there are a few people in my life who are welcome to drop by at absolutely any time, with no notice whatsoever. Paradoxically, they're the people most concerned with giving advance notice/asking permission.

In general, I find that it's more polite when people give advance notice. Not least because I'm a slob and I welcome the time to do a quick tidy :D
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:48 PM on June 3, 2005

1) Dropping by without calling is definitely less graceful/polite than calling first.

but...

2) Insisting that people have to call before they come over makes you a bit of a stiff.

So, it's your call. Do you want to insist on being right? Because you can. If you're going to be pushy about it, though, then you just have to do it at the expense of your wife leading the kind of social life _she'd_ like to lead.

Or, you could find polite but firm ways to make your _preference_ clear, but still be nice to folks (_and_ your wife) when unexpected guests drop in. Honestly, I don't think your basic preference is unreasonable at all, but it is very much a matter of how you express it.
posted by LairBob at 6:50 PM on June 3, 2005

Oh, and I would also second jessamyn's point about it being a cultural thing. My wife comes from an extended family, most of whom live close by each other in a rural, kind of farming region. While they usually call and let each other know they're stopping by, they also don't hesitate to stop over if it just occurs to them that they need to.

From their perspective, it's almost like "Well, I could either _call_ her, or walk over and ask her in person. Isn't a personal conversation more polite than a phone call?" And from their perspective, that's true. No one gets their nose out of joint if you brush them off, but they pride themselves on being easy-going, and social, enough that they can just drop in one another.

I'm guessing that your wife probably has the same social background, and while it's totally understandable for you not to be crazy about it, I think you probably do need to be careful before you get very worked up against something she probably sees as a real positive.
posted by LairBob at 6:58 PM on June 3, 2005

LairBob, I'm a stiff. Please don't drop by unexpectly. Who knows what mood I might be in, or what I might be doing?

Some people are very private, introverted, solitudinous, even if they don't show that side of themselves to casual friends. To me, liberty = privacy, at least at certain times.

I think "Friends" and other sitcoms wherein the unexpected drop-by is the source for comedic mayhem (or what passes for it these days), plus the "dorm life" life, have brainwashed people into feeling they don't have a right to utter solitude.

It all depends on your need for privacy, and what YOU would ever do -- I don't think I'd ever drop by unexpectedly, and maybe I somehow choose to be friends with people who'd never do it either.
posted by rleamon at 7:09 PM on June 3, 2005

I loathe the unexpected pop-in. I have a dear friend who used to do it until she dropped in whilst I was "entertaining a guest". She doesn't do that any more.
posted by FlamingBore at 7:11 PM on June 3, 2005

My boyfriend's parents just moved to the city where his Mom's large extended family lives. They drop by all the time, unnanounced, which makes him crazy. Their solution is that he says hi, is cordial, and then says "well I have some stuff I have to do" and then goes someplace else [sometimes just hides out upstairs and reads the paper]. He and his wife have worked out that this lets them both do what they want, she hangs out with family, but he doesn't have to. If there's a social event that they have actually planned, then he'll show up as expected otherwise he's free to not let drop-bys disrupt his schedule.
posted by jessamyn at 7:14 PM on June 3, 2005

If the person stopping by is only stopping by to drop something off, ask you a simple question, perhaps borrow something, or any other action that can be handled at the doorway in only a minute or two, no scheduling or calling is necessary. You might suggest it would interrupt you, but at the same time, answering the phone would interrupt you as well!

If whatever you are doing is so important you can't answer the phone, you can also ignore the door. :-)

If it's for a visit that requires entering your home, definitely it should be known about in advance. It's just manners.
posted by shepd at 7:27 PM on June 3, 2005

When I visited my girlfriend's parents in Zambia, out in the bush where they were farmers, one of the most wonderful things was the way people would just "pitch up" to say hello. Of course, telephone's didn't work very well there, and for the most part people came by during tea (around 4:00 pm) when it was more or less expected that friend's and neighbors would pitch up. But it still struck me as extraordinarily civilized and like something that was sorely lacking in the USA these days.
posted by alms at 7:38 PM on June 3, 2005

No. We do not allow others to "drop by." Our door is closed because we are probably either eating, napping, or fucking.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:39 PM on June 3, 2005

I know one couple that lives on five acres in the country, just down the road from where the fellow grew up. He lives on the farm that belonged to his grandpa for thirty years. His father lives around the corner. He has seven aunts and uncles within a ten mile radius. He's a gregarious guy, and has friends all over town. His house is always full, and people think nothing of stopping by without calling. It's part of the culture of friendship he's set up. As you can imagine, this fellow is hugely popular.

On the other hand, I know another friend who lives in a small house in the city. They only have one family member in the area; only their close friends know where they live. The woman is a privacy nut: she shreds all her documents, carries a concealed weapon, insists on a great deal of anonymity. I would never dream of just stopping by. They probably wouldn't open the door, anyhow. As you can imagine, this couple doesn't have a lot of friends, yet they often wonder why.

I love it when friends drop by. It's a treat. I do my best to be welcoming and hospitable. I break out the good Scotch. I sit with them on the smoking porch. I ask if they'd like to stay for dinner. It's not an imposition; it's a delight. Of course, I expect visitors to be understanding if I'm unavailable, and they always have been, without question.

On the other hand, I rarely just drop by to see anyone. I always give at least a quick phone call to say, "Hey — I'm just down the block. Can I come over?"

It sounds as if you and your wife need to find a middle ground. If she likes it, then you need to be flexible enough to just roll with it when it happens. On the other hand, since you don't like unexpected visitors, she should at least let people know that you, as a couple, prefer some sort of advance notification. You can both compromise on this.

(Though I don't see why anybody should need to call to drop off something they've borrowed. That doesn't even fit my world view. I wouldn't even call to drop off a book, I'd just show up. If I didn't get an answer, I'd leave it on the doorstep.)
posted by jdroth at 8:04 PM on June 3, 2005

I do not mind the occasional drop-by, so long as the individual does not decide to camp out on my couch for hours. Like shepd said, it's not much more of an interruption than a phone call would be, though it is harder to ignore ("I can see her car in the driveway, wonder why she isn't answering...").

I have a few friends I can drop in on, but I also have some friends who prefer their privacy a little bit more. And I respect that.
posted by rhapsodie at 8:11 PM on June 3, 2005

What jdroth said. Especially this:

"I love it when friends drop by. It's a treat. I do my best to be welcoming and hospitable. I break out the good Scotch. I sit with them on the smoking porch. I ask if they'd like to stay for dinner. It's not an imposition; it's a delight. Of course, I expect visitors to be understanding if I'm unavailable, and they always have been, without question."
posted by weston at 8:18 PM on June 3, 2005

I love it when friends drop by, it is a spontaneous gift of friendship and a sign that you are really close and comfortable with the other people.
posted by LarryC at 8:19 PM on June 3, 2005

...have brainwashed people into feeling they don't have a right to utter solitude.

What do you do when the phone rings?
posted by Stauf at 8:50 PM on June 3, 2005

I hate it when people drop by. Unless it's my boyfriend (and I'm not quite sure why that doesn't bother me).

I guess it's because I'm a loner. I don't like being disturbed. When I want to be around other people, that's what I do. Solitude at home is a conscious decision for me. And a pop-in is like someone trying to change that decision for me.

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and usually makes me think the person has no respect for me. I admit this is an extreme stance, but I take my aloneness pretty seriously.
posted by elisabeth r at 9:16 PM on June 3, 2005

Everyone can have utter solitude in their home. Just don't answer the door.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:17 PM on June 3, 2005

People are entitled to attempt to contact you. You're entitled to ignore them entirely. They're not entitled to be irritated by that. As long as everyone is aware of, and observes those rules, it shouldn't really matter if they drop by or phone first - though they'll probably find that it wastes must less of their time to phone first if you're inclined to invoke rule #2 frequently.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:18 PM on June 3, 2005

I think that it is a cultural thing. Where I live, it seems to be generally Not Done for even good friends to drop by unexpectedly, even for something trivial like dropping off a borrowed book. This feels weird to me; I almost always find it a treat to have a friend drop by unexpectedly, as long as they're willing to accept that I might be busy or just feeling reclusive and not want to talk long. On the other hand, my SO really doesn't like having unexpected visitors.

My solution is that when I become on good enough terms with someone that I might feel comfortable showing up without warning, I ask them ("should I call first or just drop by?"). I think there are a lot of cultural variations that one has to deal with in this age of geographic mobility, and this is just one of them.
posted by hattifattener at 10:02 PM on June 3, 2005

I'm with the "call first" bunch, and it took me a very long time to train people to do that. In reality, though, it's more like "call first, and if you don't, no complaining about the state of me or my house". So far it's working pretty well.
posted by Vervain at 10:09 PM on June 3, 2005

For me, this changed between being single and being married with kids. Single: drop-ins great. Married: not so great.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 10:43 PM on June 3, 2005

We're originally from MA.. we lived in our last apartment in Beverly for about five years.. most of our neighbors just scowled or fake-smiled at us just as we scowled or fake-smiled at them.. seemed like the thing to do (musta been the long snowy winters)..

We moved to GA just over 2 years ago.. the change in neighbor attitudes blew us away.. so we really love people popping over for a bit.. except around dinner time.. that's really kinda goofy..
posted by thinds66 at 11:35 PM on June 3, 2005

I grew up in a drop-by culture. Then I moved to NYC. I like the call-first culture MUCH better. Now I'm in South Africa. You can't see me from the street and I don't have to answer my door, but I can see you (camera). I love it.

In general, I don't like visitors unless I've had advance warning and plan for it. Even then, I'm not always happy to have to bother. I'm terrible at "entertaining". Close friends are expected to literally make themselves at home. You want something, get it or ask. I'm not likely to think to offer, because I'm used to friends that are like family. I find it weird having anyone in my home that isn't that close. What can I say, I'm goofy!

But that's not to say it doesn't happen, or that I don't ever put out the effort. I just have to be prepared. But still there are those awkward formalities, like offering something to drink, which I feel silly about. (If you wanted something, you'd have asked, is my thought).
posted by Goofyy at 12:27 AM on June 4, 2005

i have to add that i don't think it's a "should" question at all - there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. if you know someone's fine with sudden visits, then great, if not then don't pop up unexpectedly.

(personally i hate it when people pop up unexpectely and i let it known that i don't want sudden visits of ANY kind).

the problem you have, it that your and your wife's inclinations are different and you need to find a middle road that is good with both of you. let's say that u can agree to her friends dropping over as long as it's clear that she's entertaing, u're not AND u can comfortably go on with what every u're doing (this can't work in a one room apartment), mutual friends should call first (to make sure it's ok with u too) and so on and so on.

good luck (this is not an easy issue to work out between people with different needs)!
posted by mirileh at 3:23 AM on June 4, 2005

I'm in the "can't stand unannounced drop-ins" camp, so if you're just looking for votes, that's mine. But in terms of dealing with this, I'd second mirileh. There are some areas of difference when two people are married/cohabiting that pretty much have to be resolved by finding a common policy both parties will abide by (e.g. what constitutes a decent level of household cleanliness). But in social situations I don't see why two people have to be joined at the hip; let her enjoy the visit while you peel off and do your own thing. No right or wrong here, just personal style and preference, which it seems to me can be accommodated.
posted by Kat Allison at 4:38 AM on June 4, 2005

We welcome the drop-ins. If they show at an inconvenient time, we're honest about telling them. I feel no need to drop what I'm doing to entertain them. Then again, our friends don't require entertaining. I can just as easily talk to them while tending to a chore as I can while sitting at the table with them.

Our close friends know they can just walk in. I despise our current doorbell and have been too lazy to replace it. By walking in, they avoid the bell and avoid setting the dogs in a frenzy of barking. Both are greatly appreciated.

On the other hand, I will call first to make sure we're not intruding on another's plans. Part of that is because we know other families tend to have many more activities planned for their weekend than we do.
posted by onhazier at 5:46 AM on June 4, 2005

i have to add that i don't think it's a "should" question at all - there isn't a right or wrong way to do it.

Hear hear!

Miss Manners addressed this very question, and her position was that of many posters above: unexpected visitors are fine, so long as they're willing to accept "we're not receiving people right now" with no questions asked.

Personally, I'd rather people emailed me before daring to invade my privacy with a phone call...
posted by Aknaton at 6:33 AM on June 4, 2005

I think liking or disliking the drop-in isn't terrier's problem. I think you two need to decide between yourselves what your policy is going to be. Make it something that you both can live with, make sure the families know what it is, and stick to it. (Unless you decide to change it at some point.)

Good luck. This is something my wife and I dealt with.
posted by booth at 7:50 AM on June 4, 2005

I don't like the drop-ins. I had a neighbor down the hall (apartment building) who used to do that -- just drop by with the kids and expect an instant playdate. Nevermind that I work from home, or that her kids showing up and going nuts in the house meant extra work for me (supervising, cleaning up). Sometimes they'd knock on the door at 7 a.m. SEVEN! I tried to be polite about it, and then when they didn't get the hint, I had to be more direct, but it still didn't make them stop altogether. Even when they moved to another floor and I thought we were rid of them, they still show up every once in a while, expecting to be able to come over.

On the other hand, with some friends I don't mind the rare, unexpected drop-in...
posted by youarejustalittleant at 8:14 AM on June 4, 2005

Re something jessamyn said... if someone drops in, maybe helping out with a chore is cool... sometimes I'll drop in on a friend and she'll be doing dishes, and she'll say something like "as soon as I get done I can chat..." and so I'll help out to let her get done faster.

But if you accept guests, I feel it's very rude to flat-out ask (or tell) someone to do chores. Definitely rude if you invite them over in the first place, but that's not what this topic is about.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:16 AM on June 4, 2005

I certainly prefer a phone call, but I have no problem with people dropping by. Currently, I live in the same city as my husband's entire extended family in a culture where "I will call you from my cellphone when I am down the street" is the norm for visits. Works out fine for me.

However, if someone does drop by, I do prefer if they KNOCK or ring the doorbell or whatever. No one in my father's family does this and when I was living in my mother's (gigantic) house, it would make me nuts to come downstairs to find my father or grandmother standing in my kitchen. Just knock! It's not that hard!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:28 AM on June 4, 2005

We have a wide circle of local friends and live in a house with a drop in "culture" but we also have rules.

Our friends know they will always be welcome, within the following guidelines.

1) don't drop by before noon

2) If the door is locked, its locked for a reason. Feel free to knock but we might not answer.

3) If the door is open, just come in -- please don't knock or we'll think you're selling something and not open the door.

4) Arrive with a plan or be willing to help with whatever we happen to be doing (which might include washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom). We love to spend time with you, but we're not going to entertain you.

This system works really well for us, but I certainly have friends whom I would not dream of stopping by to see if we didn't call first. I respect that.
posted by anastasiav at 9:49 AM on June 4, 2005

...have brainwashed people into feeling they don't have a right to utter solitude

Just as a note, for 99.99999% of human history, and in many world cultures currently, there was and is no such thing as privacy in the forms we currently enjoy. I think utter solitude is more of a privilage, to be perfectly and anthropologically honest. My husband has a theory about too much privacey and serial killers...

That said, call first.
posted by oflinkey at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2005

I can't imagine how mad I would get if my friends came to see me. The nerve.
posted by jon_kill at 1:05 PM on June 4, 2005

While this is an entertaining thread, I'm not quite sure I see the point. Were you hoping everybody would say "No, no, always call first," and then you could show your wife and she would somehow change her mind? Our opinions are pretty much irrelevant; this is something you and your wife have to work out between you, and I suspect that's going to involve your getting used to people dropping by. As has been said, you can always retreat and let your wife deal with them.
posted by languagehat at 1:27 PM on June 4, 2005

I think it is a class thing. My parents are working/lower middle class and rarely if ever do they ever have relatives or friends call before they stop by. When I was a child and they went to see people they never called first.

Now I am an adult and you better believe you better call me first. That is if you expect me to come to the door.

And I have even trained my parents to do so. Most of the time, anyhow.
posted by konolia at 2:38 PM on June 4, 2005

I think that while it is acceptable to just drop by unannounced, the host is under no obligation to not say "I'm busy now, please come back later", giving neither reason nor apology, and the unannounced person has no right to resent this dismissal.

The problem arises because, of course, the unannounced often will feel put out by this, which is stupid, unnecessary, and creates a problem.

So because of the potential for this kindof problem, dropping by unannounced is often considered a practise best avoided.

My personal view would be that if you can trust the person to not be put out by a dismissal, and you can trust yourself to not invite someone in when inconvenient because you lack the will to tell them it's a bad time, then it's ok for that particular person to drop by unannounced. Ie, it's ok or not ok on a person to person basis. That potentially brings its own share of problems, but hey, it works for some :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 5:37 PM on June 4, 2005

This dichotomy was explored in Clyde Edgerton's Raney -- definitely a small town - big city thing.
posted by Rash at 10:40 AM on June 5, 2005

I'll second the Miss Manners mention; she's been fabulously clear on many variants of your situation:

Miss Manners agrees that it is rude to drop in without warning; it has been since the invention of the telephone. And centuries before that, human society became possible only because of a tacit pact to suppress skepticism about other people's pleas of being busy.

Nevertheless, a family that walls itself off is going to run into trouble. As your children grow, both they and you will increasingly need the society of friends, and even now, in the midst of such a busy time, you all need the protection of having neighbors who, if not full-fledged friends, are at least not enemies.

The better way to ward off intrusions would be to offer your own terms. If you and your family made just one effort to entertain the neighbors, your plea that your family schedule unfortunately prevents you from enjoying spontaneous visits would be more sympathetically accepted.

How to handle unwanted appearances:

Miss Manners recommends window shades or, if you happen to get caught opening the door in the hope that it was the mail delivery, an apologetic, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we can't see you now, please do call to arrange a good time" followed by a wave as you shut the door.

Finally, thoughts on those who take umbrage at being asked to call first:

Miss Manners finds herself insulted and angry on your behalf. Their implication in suspending the normal etiquette rules for visiting appears to be the notion that you have nothing better to do anyway, and should be grateful to see them at all.

I really really *heart* Miss Manners.
posted by mediareport at 11:19 AM on June 5, 2005

terrier: you'll have to work it out with your wife. I like the suggestion that as long as you're not required to be present, she can entertain whomever she wishes.

I love having family or friends visit as long as they call first. I'd never dream of "just dropping in" on my mum let alone other family or friends. I value my privacy and assume other people value theirs as well.
posted by deborah at 11:44 AM on June 5, 2005