Want to have my cake and eat it too.
August 27, 2011 1:13 PM Subscribe
Am I a bad person? It's recently been pointed out to me that I have HUGE abandonment and rejection issues. The guy that I'm seeing told me this - not my husband. Get ready for a bunch of conflicting information...
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (36 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
My husband and I have been together for 9 years. Seven of those years have been without sex. There's emotional attachment, affection, caring for each other, and all those little things that make a couple a couple - except physical intimacy. All in all we're 'happy'. I've just figured that this is what happens to all couples eventually.
So I screwed around. Several times. That worked for a while... it was kind of like a Don't Ask Don't Tell relationship.
Then one day I met a guy who's knocked me on my ass. He's just like me. Never met anyone before who I finally felt I 'fit in' with. Even with my friends, I don't 'fit in'. Things progress, get deep, get emotional, and boom we're in love. Dangerously in love. And of course the sex is amazing. Except he can't have me 100% because I'm married - and have no intention of leaving my husband because well dammit I love him too. I suppose that makes me childish and greedy. But this guy and I have a bond of some sort. A connection. On a level the same as that as my husband. Maybe deeper. I hate to admit that, but there it is.
We've come to the impasse (not agreement) that we can still be close friends, but the physical side has to stop because he needs to go find his own man in life that he can have 100%. But that bond between us gets in the way and we don't know what to do without hurting each other. We've actually told each other we wish we'd never met cause the pain of going our separate ways is too much. It physically hurts us both - puking, can't sleep, eat, think, focus on work, etc. He has to leave 'us' but it's killing him, he doesn't want me to leave my husband, I don't want to leave him and it's killing me, and I don't want to leave my husband either.
I can't just be friends with him. The thought of him with another man crushes me (quite hypocritical of me, no? No, not really - cause I'm not having a physical relationship with my husband). I can't fathom sitting in the same room as him and not want or be able to put my arm around him, or hold each other and just 'talk', or not be able to kiss him. And sure, have sex too. I'm human.
So the 'boyfriend' can read me like a book, and points out all the times I've been abandoned in the past and how I don't deal with rejection. And I can read him - pointed out that he won't just walk away and let the pain set in cause he feels like the bad guy from his last serious relationship.
And that bond is still there between us. Looms over our heads. It's not a sex "physical" bond... it's like finally meeting your soul-mate. Flesh, blood, heart and soul.
But I love my husband. Deeply.
I've told my husband all of this, and he accepts it. Not sure why he's not kicking me out of the house.
At this point I don't feel like I deserve either of them, and I wish I could run - but that doesn't fix anything either. I feel like a victim, yet I'm the perpetrator. I honestly feel dead inside one moment, afraid and alone the next, and madly in love right after that. Feel guilty a lot too - to both my husband AND boyfriend. Basically my head is all over the map. I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to feel any pain myself.
What do I do???? How do I turn off the pain and do what's right?? What's the right thing to do???