Is observing cremation a good way to achieve closure?
August 27, 2011 12:33 AM Subscribe
My father recently had the traumatic experience of finding his brother's body. I know that the experience has been very hard for him, and he has decided to observe the cremation in order to give himself some closure. All information on the web has been uniformly to the tune of "We'll let you do it but it can be traumatic, so make sure you know what you're doing." I'm trying to advise him, and would appreciate advice from anyone who has dealt with this before.
Youtube has plenty of demonstration videos with and without bodies in them. My father was cremated almost ten years ago, making me a little curious, and I'm not squeamish about death anyway, so I took a look.
They're not gross, but I wouldn't suggest someone about to deal with this watch. I suspect what could be traumatic about it is the banal, unceremonious, impersonal, and industrial quality of it. There's nothing about it likely to be symbolic in a good way and plenty that could be symbolic in a very depressing way.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:59 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
They're not gross, but I wouldn't suggest someone about to deal with this watch. I suspect what could be traumatic about it is the banal, unceremonious, impersonal, and industrial quality of it. There's nothing about it likely to be symbolic in a good way and plenty that could be symbolic in a very depressing way.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:59 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm the one who found my father's body, and I was the only one actually there holding her hand when my mother died. And, for what it's worth, I've attended dozens of family funerals.
I honestly don't think that watching the cremation will help your father any; only time to grieve will do that. My sympathies on your family's loss.
posted by easily confused at 4:07 AM on August 27, 2011
I honestly don't think that watching the cremation will help your father any; only time to grieve will do that. My sympathies on your family's loss.
posted by easily confused at 4:07 AM on August 27, 2011
I would suggest calling the crematorium and talking to someone there. They likely have dealt with this before and will hopefully have more specific advice. (And if they're assholes, well, find a different crematorium.)
I'm not in the business, but I've visited many different cemeteries, crematoria, and funeral homes in the US for work, and overall the people are very nice and helpful and understanding. Their sales people will try to upsell you as much as possible, of course, but in terms of actual advice, I think they'd be helpful.
My sympathies on your loss.
posted by pie ninja at 4:47 AM on August 27, 2011
I'm not in the business, but I've visited many different cemeteries, crematoria, and funeral homes in the US for work, and overall the people are very nice and helpful and understanding. Their sales people will try to upsell you as much as possible, of course, but in terms of actual advice, I think they'd be helpful.
My sympathies on your loss.
posted by pie ninja at 4:47 AM on August 27, 2011
I'm not a psychologist, but I have trouble with the whole concept of "it's observing the body that brings closure" I agree with easily confused, it's time to grieve that does that.
If he does need to see the body (again), I would think the more traditional presentation in an open casket (while I'm not a fan of it), if possible due to the condition of the body would be the way to go.
I read a book written by a funeral director about 10 years ago (wish I could remember the name of it) that argued fairly convincingly (and remember I'm not necessarily a big fan of open caskets) that seeing the departed in a more presentable state served to allow people to remember their loved ones more like they were in life, especially if they'd last seen the person dead, and perhaps, to put it euphemistically, at somewhat of a disadvantage (a suicide scene, decomposition, etc). And the guys who are good at the cosmetics can do wonders in this area.
Whether that were to pan out or not, jiminy, if he FOUND his brother's body, it would seem he's had the chance to grapple with that aspect of it and seeing this body burned up would be needlessly traumatizing. I just can't think of any way it would be good.
Paging ColdChef?
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:21 AM on August 27, 2011
If he does need to see the body (again), I would think the more traditional presentation in an open casket (while I'm not a fan of it), if possible due to the condition of the body would be the way to go.
I read a book written by a funeral director about 10 years ago (wish I could remember the name of it) that argued fairly convincingly (and remember I'm not necessarily a big fan of open caskets) that seeing the departed in a more presentable state served to allow people to remember their loved ones more like they were in life, especially if they'd last seen the person dead, and perhaps, to put it euphemistically, at somewhat of a disadvantage (a suicide scene, decomposition, etc). And the guys who are good at the cosmetics can do wonders in this area.
Whether that were to pan out or not, jiminy, if he FOUND his brother's body, it would seem he's had the chance to grapple with that aspect of it and seeing this body burned up would be needlessly traumatizing. I just can't think of any way it would be good.
Paging ColdChef?
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:21 AM on August 27, 2011
Hi, I'm a professional funeral director. I have had families ask to view cremations, but I've been able to talk them out of it. It's not that there's anything to hide, it's just that it's a rather mechanical process, without a lot of ceremony. Here in the United States, cremation retorts are usually in a garage or a work-shop like room. The body is placed into a container and unceremoniously placed into a heated chamber. The box usually ignites immediately, before the furnace door is closed. Not a lot to view.
If the brother has been dead a while, there will also probably be gasses and a strong smell of decomposition. All extremely unpleasant.
Your father should trust the advice of the funeral home professionals who are assisting him. They have nothing to hide, but it can feel a lot like "body disposal" instead of "final disposition." (Also, sometimes the retort door has to be opened and the remains repositioned for better results--he does NOT want to watch that.)
Having said all of that, if your dad's been properly advised about what he will see and smell and still wants to, then that's his choice. Feel free to email me with any additional questions.
posted by ColdChef at 7:02 AM on August 27, 2011 [16 favorites]
If the brother has been dead a while, there will also probably be gasses and a strong smell of decomposition. All extremely unpleasant.
Your father should trust the advice of the funeral home professionals who are assisting him. They have nothing to hide, but it can feel a lot like "body disposal" instead of "final disposition." (Also, sometimes the retort door has to be opened and the remains repositioned for better results--he does NOT want to watch that.)
Having said all of that, if your dad's been properly advised about what he will see and smell and still wants to, then that's his choice. Feel free to email me with any additional questions.
posted by ColdChef at 7:02 AM on August 27, 2011 [16 favorites]
Also, closure is not something that happens instantaneously. It's a slow, gradual process with many ups and downs. No one thing will give you closure or prevent you from having closure. Remember that.
posted by ColdChef at 7:12 AM on August 27, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by ColdChef at 7:12 AM on August 27, 2011 [7 favorites]
I read a book written by a funeral director about 10 years ago (wish I could remember the name of it)
Probably The Undertaking by Thomas Lynch.
posted by ColdChef at 7:16 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Probably The Undertaking by Thomas Lynch.
posted by ColdChef at 7:16 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
If he believes watching the cremation will help with his closure, it will. It's unlikely to provide a final closure, but this is a process that requires time and multiple steps. He won't likely have an epiphany of closure at any time. More likely it will sneak up on him over time. Like the previous poster said, make sure he has a realistic idea of what will happen, then let him decide how to conduct his own grief process.
posted by txmon at 7:23 AM on August 27, 2011
posted by txmon at 7:23 AM on August 27, 2011
Probably The Undertaking by Thomas Lynch.
Thank you! I've been trying to remember what that book was for a while now. And it's somewhere on my shelves, which made my inability even more frustrating. It's an amazing book that has stuck in my head for years, and now I'm going to reread it. I recommend it unreservedly.
posted by atomicstone at 7:51 AM on August 27, 2011
(Wishes ColdChef would write a book.)
posted by Scram at 8:49 AM on August 27, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by Scram at 8:49 AM on August 27, 2011 [19 favorites]
People can view this?? I guess I never thought about it. My dad died a little over 4 years ago of cardiac arrest while out jogging so an autopsy was performed and I was definitely looking up all the information I could find on autopsies and cremation. My mom, on the other hand, did not want to know about any of it. After we got the autopsy report I was the one who wanted to go grill the pathologist about it(after I had thoroughly googled every single medical term in the report).
I think I would have chosen to be present if I had known I had the option. I think it's the sudden death aspect of it though; I don't know if it would have helped anything, but I also don't think I would have been damaged by it. I probably wouldn't have been this morbidly curious if it were a death under different circumstances.
I would say it depends on the individual as to whether or not viewing the cremation is a potentially terrible idea.
posted by fromageball at 9:53 AM on August 29, 2011
I think I would have chosen to be present if I had known I had the option. I think it's the sudden death aspect of it though; I don't know if it would have helped anything, but I also don't think I would have been damaged by it. I probably wouldn't have been this morbidly curious if it were a death under different circumstances.
I would say it depends on the individual as to whether or not viewing the cremation is a potentially terrible idea.
posted by fromageball at 9:53 AM on August 29, 2011
« Older Where's the cool expat crowd in Sweden? | How do you avoid getting physical when a kid just... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can talk about the dozen cremations I've witnessed, if you like. Also happy to memail.
posted by taff at 1:55 AM on August 27, 2011