And guest?

August 26, 2011 9:24 AM

How do I RSVP to this wedding shower?

Two of my (gay male) friends are getting married (to each other) in November. We received a save the date a few months ago, addressed to DH and I.

I received an invitation to their (September) wedding shower a few days ago, addressed to just me. The shower is being hosted by the mother of one of the grooms. I have met her before, DH has not.

I have no idea whether the shower is a surprise, as the RSVP info is for the mom. I don’t want to ask my friends if DH is invited to the shower, in case they don’t know about it. I guess I could be the only one invited (I have known one of the grooms for several years, and DH just met both men last year, although we have all had dinner together several times, and DH teaches one of the grooms), but it could also just be that the host didn’t know my husband’s name. (Although, in that case, it might have said “and guest” right?)

I hope this isn’t too convoluted. I was just wondering if it was really rude to e-mail the host mom and ask her if the invitation is just for me, or for DH as well. I don’t drive, so if I go alone, DH is going to have to drop me off anyway.

Ah, the joys of newly legal gay wedding etiquette.

posted by roomthreeseventeen to human relations (10 answers total)

It's entirely appropriate to ask if this is a single invitation or a "plus one."

Respond to the mother of the groom. She's the one who sent the invitations, so she should know what the party is about.
posted by xingcat at 9:26 AM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

The shower is hosted by the mother so you should communicate with the mother. A shower is much less of a BIG! DEAL! then a wedding is, so I don't think it's rude at all to ask if your husband is invited.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:26 AM on August 26, 2011

Call the Mom, say you want to RSVP and ask if you're welcome to bring your husband.
posted by royalsong at 9:27 AM on August 26, 2011

Is your husband panting to go? I guess you could email the mother and ask, but maybe she got a guest list from her son. Surprise wedding shower seems odd to me. I don't know if it's rude to ask, but don't put her in a position where she's forced to invite your spouse.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:27 AM on August 26, 2011

I'd think it'd be fine to ask if DH is welcome, especially with the driving thing -- with the caveat that you have to expect that she might say no.

So:
"Hi! This is [name], [Groom1]'s friend, and I am so looking forward to the shower! Thank you so much for your work in putting this together.

I would just like to confirm one detail. Would it be all right if I brought my spouse? I do not drive, so it would make the transportation situation much more convenient. However, I understand that the shower invitation did not say 'and guest' (we all know how these things can get huge!) so it's fine if I come alone. I just wanted to clarify.

Thanks again; can't wait!"
posted by Madamina at 9:29 AM on August 26, 2011 [11 favorites]

I agree that it's fine to sent an e-mail to the mom and ask if DH should come to the shower or not. I suggest mentioning the fact that DH is invited to the wedding. Maybe she didn't know about that, and it could influence her answer.

On the other hand, you don't want her to feel pressured to have DH at the shower. You could take some of Madamina's words to account for that possibility.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:41 AM on August 26, 2011

Yes, just call the Mom to RSVP; it could be that this is one of those themed showers that she felt only you would like, or it's going to be all women.

Or she just didn't know your husband's name.

The only way to know is to ask her!
posted by misha at 9:54 AM on August 26, 2011

Is a wedding shower typically attended by men? I know some go, but I can see why she would just invite women.
posted by inturnaround at 10:00 AM on August 26, 2011

Is a wedding shower typically attended by men? I know some go, but I can see why she would just invite women.

That would be an odd choice, considering that both the "bride" and groom are boys.

Just double check with the mom. My money's on her 1) not knowing your husband's name and 2) forgetting the +1 note. (And even if it is just you who is invited, it's not a rude question at all, as long as it's "does the invitation include a guest?" and not "I WANT MAH HUSBAND THERE, TOO!" Not that you'd do that.)
posted by phunniemee at 10:05 AM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

I agree that you should just ask the mother, although I can't imagine that the shower is a surprise unless explicitly stated so. Please do not mention that your husband will be dropping you off, because that puts pressure on the mother to include him regardless of what the original intent was.
posted by donajo at 11:03 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]