friend or classmate: pick one.

August 21, 2011 12:02 PM

How do you explain to a friend that working with them as a classmate is like having your fingernails ripped off one at a time?

Previously I wrote and inquired about how I can be a better member of group projects. I've been doing much better and my classmates have expressed to me that they really enjoy working with me. Obviously this means a lot to me because as my previous questions will indicate, I have a hard time working with people, regardless of the setting or situation.

Unfortunately I have a new problem: one of my new friends in my grad program is turning out to be a total terror to work with. Though she's fun to be with outside of the classroom, as a teammate she is domineering, judgmental, and goes to great lengths to ingratiate herself to the people in our group so they'll do as she says later on in the project. It's been frustrating as all get out, especially because she's randomly taken a major issue with the fact that I typically get better grades in our classes than she does, and has decided that I "will bring everyone else down" if I'm allowed to work on aspects of our current projects by myself. (?!?!?!)

She even verbally harasses me whenever I suggest or contribute ideas to our group, and actually went so far as to give me the silent treatment the other day when some of us took the initiative to get our group project a meeting place so we could be productive. She's 24! No one else in the group has an issue with me, each has asked her to stop bothering me, and everyone is grouchy because she only attached herself to our group at the last minute when no one else wanted to work with her.

Right now obviously I'm just trying to get through this. The big issue is that this girl thinks she's still being a good friend and coworker to me, and I will be so unhappy if she continues to attach herself to group projects that I'm in. (Our teachers don't assign groups. We form them ourselves.)

How can I explain to her that I would like to be friends only, not groupmates? Her personality is overpowering everything and no one has worked on any of the work because she insists it be done in her environment, her way. I am so embarrassed to even have to ask this question because the juvenile behavior I keep encountering is crazy baffling, and because I am not sure how to even approach this. I just don't feel like I can continue to be friends with her and tolerate her work behavior too.

posted by These Birds of a Feather to human relations (14 answers total)

You haven't gone into why you want to be friends with her. If she is making personal public attacks on you, that is not friendly. What relationship do you have with her outside of this group?
posted by annsunny at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

A pleasant one! We hang out, get coffee, do grad school type bonding things. Totally happy and friendly. As soon as we get into the classroom, though, she starts attacking everyone. It's a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. She's even like this in her host classroom when she's working with elementary schoolers. It's possible she may not even be asked back to the program in the Fall, but if she is, I need to figure out a way to politely excuse myself from working with her so I can at least be friendly and whatever outside of school. I don't want an enemy. There's no point to that. I just know that if I'm going to avoid working on projects with her, eventually she's going to ask me why, and I don't feel comfortable being evasive.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:28 PM on August 21, 2011

This sounds like one of those situations where one just has to say something unpalatable. Hang in there until the end of this particular project, and then once it's over and before any more groups are formed for the next project, take her aside and say that while you enjoy hanging out socially with her, you are uncomfortable working with her and from now on you would really appreciate it if she didn't try to join any groups that you are already in. Hopefully that will do it. If she needs to discuss it with you further, you can tell her some of what you told us. If after that she tries to keep joining your groups anyway (though surely that's unlikely?), I'd suss out some of the other groups and the possibility of bailing from the group with her in it and joining another. Hopefully that will be possible, and surely she won't be such a stalker as to try to follow you to the next group. If she does, it's time to appeal to one of your instructors for help.

Try to avoid involving anyone else in this. Don't tell her other people don't like working with her, and don't gripe about her to anyone else. I'm pretty sure it's going to get to the point where others are going to close ranks against her anyway and refuse to let her join their groups, but you don't want to be at the centre of any drama that will arise. Be as non-confrontational as you can, but be firm and just refuse to work with her regardless of whatever she does.

You probably won't be able to keep her as a friend, but honestly she doesn't sound like she'd be much of a loss, so the important thing is to avoid having to work with her so you can concentrate on doing well in your program.
posted by orange swan at 12:28 PM on August 21, 2011

Your first priority is to work around her, contact your project mates without her, and get everything done so that you can pass your classes with the grades you want. At the very least, you need to do enough work that you can comfortably go to your professor with your work and not feel embarrassed or under-prepared. The semester is almost over and you don't have time to worry about her friendship right now.

You need to try your best to disengage from her feelings so she doesn't sabotage your academic performance.

Once you finish this project, you can simply refuse to work with her. If she asks why, tell her "I don't want to discuss it." Or tell her she's a bullying pain in the ass.

Frankly, she might not even get asked back to the program--problem solved.
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:43 PM on August 21, 2011

She even verbally harasses me whenever I suggest or contribute ideas to our group, and actually went so far as to give me the silent treatment the other day when some of us took the initiative to get our group project a meeting place so we could be productive. She's 24! No one else in the group has an issue with me, each has asked her to stop bothering me, and everyone is grouchy because she only attached herself to our group at the last minute when no one else wanted to work with her.

She's a bully, and a harasser. So much so that other people notice it.

Regardless of how she acts "outside", if she cannot be a decent person to you when you're working, she's not really your friend. A friend is not someone who only likes you when you're not competing with them/making them jealous or whatever her problem is.

You have no obligation to put up with her acting this way, and while it won't be pleasant, if she continues to intrude on your life, you're going to have to tell her to step off and leave you alone.

Anyone who starts out treating you this way is not going to get better and will probably get worse, absent years of maturing and maybe some therapy. None of which it is your job to provide.

She has latched on to you, maybe because you have been nice in not calling her out up to now.

Think of it this way; you are agonizing about a relationship which involves someone else putting you down, treating you badly, and making you feel intimidated. If someone else came to you and described this relationship, would you tell them to try to save it, or to run away?

Real friends support you in a group or out of it. She's not one.
posted by emjaybee at 12:46 PM on August 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Hey Cheryl, you know what, I really enjoy our friendship and love getting coffee with you and etc., but I've been thinking recently that we don't actually work all that well together as work-partners. With that in mind, maybe next time we have a group project we should go our separate ways. OK?"
posted by hungrytiger at 12:49 PM on August 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

I misread this sentence:
"one of my new friends in my grad program is turning out to be a total terror to work with" as
"one of my new friends in my grad program is turning out to be a total ERROR to work with"

That's how I'd look at it: it was a mistake to work with her. Your job in the future is not to work with her. As someone who went through a graduate program with tons and tons and tons of group work, I know this seems like a big deal, but it's not. You'll graduate in two or three years and be done with her.

So, no, no confrontation, except maybe to address the specific issues ("it just won't be possible for me to do the work in your library; I'll do my portion of the work at home and coordinate with you all in our afternoon meetings").

Then in the future, never work with her again. The dance of group formation is awkward, but you can find a few people you like to work with, work with them again, and tell her, "sorry, I'm already working with people," and "oh, sorry but no, I think four people would be too much." In the worst case, switch groups if necessary.

If you want to keep her as a friend, do so. You could keep ready the phrase, "I prefer to keep work and play separate. Let's be in different groups to keep our friendship strong." From my own failed group work projects, I suspect that you'll always remember this side of her and have trouble truly being friends, but good luck with the attempt.
posted by salvia at 12:52 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Although, depending on how long your current project is, it might make sense to bring it up now to see if you can get her to ease off a little immediately...?
posted by hungrytiger at 12:52 PM on August 21, 2011

I just know that if I'm going to avoid working on projects with her, eventually she's going to ask me why, and I don't feel comfortable being evasive.

I don't think it ought to hurt someone's feelings to hear that you make better friends than colleagues. It means you want to be friends! So say that. "I like you and we get along well together as friends, but I don't think we mesh well when working together. If given a choice, I'd rather be able to get together and bitch about our respective work problems rather than risk contributing to each other's stress."
posted by hermitosis at 12:59 PM on August 21, 2011

You aren't really doing her any favors by not telling her why. From what you describe she's sabotaging herself badly and has no idea. It's up to you and a lot depends on how close you are as friends. But as someone with my own history of bridges burnt because of a similar blind spot, I wish someone had told me. Looked me in the eye and said "You know, when you said X I felt hurt." Or "When Y came up it seemed like you were really angry with me. I don't understand why." Or "You are a lot of fun one on one but in group situations you come across as X Y Z. I know that's not really who you are, but it's hard to deal with, to the point that I'd rather not work together anymore."

She might get defensive. Let her. It really hurts to see these things about yourself and realize that when you thought you were being funny and assertive, you looked like a complete asshole. But to have any chance of fixing the behavior, she has to know that it's a problem.

If people just keep quietly avoiding her without explaining why ... she stays in that cycle.
posted by bunderful at 1:20 PM on August 21, 2011

You have to suck it up for this project, which I think you know as your question was about avoiding her in future ones. So if she is allowed back and tries to attach to your group, you can say "Look Jane, I really like hanging out with and am very glad we are friends but I found working with you on our last group project super stressful. It isn't going to work for me to try that again. Do you want to grab a coffee after class on Friday? I want to hear all about your date with Hot Dude/ette!"
posted by DarlingBri at 1:55 PM on August 21, 2011

How do you explain to a friend that working with them as a classmate is like having your fingernails ripped off one at a time?

This comes off as offensive and dramatic. I would suggest not saying this at all.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2011

I just know that if I'm going to avoid working on projects with her, eventually she's going to ask me why, and I don't feel comfortable being evasive.

So don't be; just give her straight reportage of how things are and what you're going to do about it: "After we have coffee and hang out, I walk away feeling happy. After we work together in a group, I walk away feeling frustrated, crushed and miserable. This only happens in groups we're both in. So I'm not going to be in the same project groups as you any more, just have coffee and hang out."
posted by flabdablet at 5:22 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

You can't work with her because she's trying to sabotage or control you, minimize your abilities, and change your peers' opinions of you.

How can you have a friendship, knowing she may only be friends with you for the sake of information she can harvest to improve her position or use against you to improve her relative position?

Annoying and childish != harmless, unaware, and guileless. I'm less worried about the project (you'll get through it because you have to) than about her motives. As things stand, she's using/whittling away at you by default, because nobody else is buying. Don't give her a good reason to target you. Just steer clear!
posted by littlegreenlights at 5:36 PM on August 21, 2011