Post Partum niceties
August 19, 2011 9:48 PM   Subscribe

New parents question - There are a few couples I'm friends with who are expecting babies momentarily. I'd love to do the right thing to help out, so what do you suggest? I'm thinking ideas for frozen meals to take over, small chores I can do in my free time for them, etc.

Thanks for any suggestions (as you might guess, I have no kids so I'm a little in the dark).
posted by Unred to Human Relations (17 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Our son was born in January, and food was the most helpful gift that we received.

We especially appreciated the folks who stopped by randomly w/frozen meals in months 2 and 3, when the initial gifts were gone + we were probably at our most harried and in need of comfort food.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:00 PM on August 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: That's great! Any suggestions? Although I love to cook, I'm not a frozen casserole kind of girl, but I'm willing to make an effort - I just don't know what kinds of things would be wanted/acceptable.
posted by Unred at 10:07 PM on August 19, 2011


Recently had a baby and the most helpful things was food. Guests who came, brought a meal then took all the mess away and or cleaned up were the best. Also if you could run some errands for them in the days just after the baby was born. We ended up needing some sleepers right away, as we were going through 5 a day and we only had 6. Also we ended up needing special laundry soap, then more diapers, then milk etc. I had a grocery list on the fridge and my SIL went out one morning and picked everything up while I was sleeping. She checked around the house to make sure she got the right brands etc. That was fantasic.

Oh, and make sure that most of the food can be eaten with just one hand and reheats well.

Oh, and make sure that you don't appear to need entertainment. The worst visitors stayed too long and kept wanting to do THINGS like go for long walks or shopping, visit local attractions or go out to eat. If the mom of a newborn has had to put her shirt on for a guest, she's already done enough!
posted by saradarlin at 10:13 PM on August 19, 2011


I'll second that food is fantastic. Gift cards to local restaurants, freezer meals... Or, if you can plan ahead, saying "Hey, I'll bring supper over at [time] on [date], if you'd like," can be nice, since it breaks up the monotony of casseroles every night. (Which, don't get me wrong, new parents are totally grateful for, but it can get a little tiresome when you've had some sort of red-sauce-and-cheese dish four nights in a row.)

Depending on your inclination, you could also offer to come over for a preset period of time and just *do* things. Whatever things they'd like you to do. Maybe that's making supper or doing the dishes; maybe it's holding the baby so the mom can shower, or picking an older child up from school. If you opt for this, make it clear that for [x] hours, you're planning to be working, not socializing, and you'd really like to do this as a gift for them. This lets the parents know (1) that it's ok to give you tasks or whatever, and (2) that this is effectively free time for them, and you'd like them to use it as such. Often times, people will offer to come "help", and what they actually mean is that they'd like to sit around and coo at your infant and maybe watch the baby while you go make supper. This is, obviously, somewhat less useful.

You might also offer--again, depending on how close you guys are and what your life's like--to run errands for them. Like, if you're going to CostCo or WalMart, phone them on your way and say, "Hey, I'm going here, do you want anything? I can bring it by in an hour." When I had my daughter, a friend of mine took to doing this and would call me on her way home from work most days. She'd tell me where she was stopping, tell me what she was having for supper, and ask me if there was anywhere I'd like her to stop. Most days it was a welcome dose of talking to a grownup, and some days it was a major relief to be able to say that yes, please, I'd love it if you'd bring me some soup/buy an extra gallon of milk at the grocery store/swing by the takeout place on your way home. Sometimes I gave her cash for it, sometimes she said not to worry about it, and sometimes we figured that it'd work out later, which it usually seemed to. I'm not close to her anymore, but this still stands out as one of the kindest things anyone's done for me.

Oh, re: Your update: Can you tell us anything about their dietary habits? Really, anything that they usually eat would probably be welcomed with open arms. They're having the babies at a time of year when people are starting to embrace heavier food, so you've got a lot of options--crockpot roasts, a roasted chicken (cut into pieces), stuffed shells... If you give an idea of their current eating habits, I'm happy to offer suggestions and recipes.
posted by MeghanC at 10:15 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


We were thrilled when people came and brought swiss chalet take out, subway, stuff from a local deli, muffins, fresh fruit already washed and sliced. Easy is your friend here.
posted by saradarlin at 10:15 PM on August 19, 2011


I would say that to bring food is always welcome. Flowers or other happy things to share with the new parents are also nice. Because new parents are very focused on raising kids, a breath of fresh air is sweet. Short visit is better because infant's schedule is unpredictable and mom naps at random times.
posted by akomom at 10:16 PM on August 19, 2011


Response by poster: One of the couples is vegetarian and another eats anything. But since I'm also a vegetarian (with some fish) I'd rather stick with food I know how to make. I don't want to poison them if I tried to cook them a roast or anything.
posted by Unred at 10:19 PM on August 19, 2011


It depends on how the parents roll, but we LOVE that our friends are not afraid to socialize with us at restaurants with our now 4 month old. He's a great kid 'cause we rolled him in dirt the minute he was born (kidding!) But we did take him out a lot from the get go, so he's good being out. Loves people.

let me say this - my son benefits from hearing lots of happy conversation around him.

Be the friend who treats it ALL as normal and chit chats with them happily, being patient about being late to plans (everything takes a 10 to 30 minutes longer than we expected in the first 3 months) and don't expect return favors - even though you seem like someone who would not be like in your ask! Just noting it. You'd be surprised at some of the shit unthinking folks (one couple in particular) have expected from us since we became parents.

Be the cool friend who is relaxed and easy going. I didn't need anyone to pick up the slack, I just needed folks who didn't over-think it and remained in the picture!
posted by jbenben at 10:45 PM on August 19, 2011


My friends just had baby number 2 this week. On my first visit I brought fresh ravioli and jarred sauce and salad fixings. It was after a work day for me so I didn't have time to cook but wanted to take food. The second day I brought bagels and cream cheese and lox etc., because I was visiting in the morning (again more than enough for visitors/leftovers). Today I went and took their 2 year old son (who is my godson) to the playground for a couple hours. Sunday I'll probably take some loaded-with-veggies lentil soup type meal portioned into quart sized freezer bags. I usually make sure to bring enough to feed the family plus a couple visitors who may be around. I usually prep, serve and clean up the food and make sure the leftovers go into freezer bags. Frittatas and pasta dishes have worked well for me to take to new parents. Clear instructions written ON the storage vessel is best because they cannot be lost! I put a sticker label or write on the foil, what is inside and how long to heat it up.
posted by Swisstine at 10:50 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you take food to them, consider taking it in something that they don't have to return. Normally I hate that disposable crap from the grocery store, but this is where I make an exception.

If they have pets, offer to walk the dog/clean the litter box etc. Pets often get the short end of the stick when a new baby comes along.

Ask them ahead of time to make you a shopping list, or a list of tasks you can do around the house. It can be hard, when sleep-deprived, to come up with stuff on the spot, so give them time to think up things they need done.

If they can't think of anything, offer to clean their bathroom. Seriously.
posted by ambrosia at 10:52 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


When one of my friends had a baby, another of her friends created a schedule for their friends and family to have a designated day to drop in, leave a meal and if they had time do a quick chore or two. I was so sad we'd moved away to a new city before we had our kiddo, because that would have been AWESOME. If you have the time to put together a public calendar to coordinate something like that, I'm sure it would be so, so appreciated.

Otherwise, I agree with all of the above. Having food ready to go that we could just heat up and scarf down was such a huge help. My sisters visited for a few days and put together a bunch of freezer meals and then froze them in individual serving sizes to make them easier to heat up later. Another of our friends who lived far away arranged for groceries to be delivered to us, with fixings for a complete ready-to-eat meal. I agree that containers you don't have to worry about returning are fantastic.

jbenben is also right. Don't forget the new family in a couple of months. We found around month 4 and 5 we were resurfacing from all of the craziness of the newborn period, back to work and suddenly not able to socialize the way we had before. If you can make time to do some adult stuff with a baby in the picture (e.g., invite them for dinner, hang out at their place, etc.) that will also be very much appreciated.
posted by goggie at 11:03 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Quiche would work--there are tons of recipes out there, it's easily customized, and my experience is that it pretty much always freezes well, should you choose to go that route.

Curries might work, if they're into that, though I'd suggest keeping it mild, especially if the mother is nursing. If you make a little extra sauce, most curries (that I've tried) freeze well. Bonus: Rice freezes pretty well, too, so you could have a whole meal like that. (For rice to thaw well, it should be thawed in the microwave with a little added liquid.)

Stuffed peppers do well and reheat easily. Pretty much any soup that's not cream-based will freeze well--tagines, veggie stews, squash soup, bean soups, hot and sour soup... I've had success freezing potato pancakes and reheating them in the oven. (Microwaves will totally destroy them--don't even bother.)

There's also the slightly-more-obvious route of baked pastas, lasagna, stuffed shells, enchiladas, etc. That said, this is the sort of thing that they'll likely get the most of, and my feeling is that the most helpful thing would be to tend more heavily towards the previous suggestions.

I have recipes for all this stuff, but don't want to clutter up the thread--feel free to MeMail me if you want them.
posted by MeghanC at 12:16 AM on August 20, 2011


If the baby is a yeller -- and some babies are -- going by the house once or twice a week and taking the small out for a walk for an hour can be a godsend. The baby might still yell but at least it will be yelling outside.

(My daughter was a yeller. I once walked two miles, according to our pedometer, pacing her up and down a twenty foot hallway. Those were dark days.)

Also: fold laundry. Wash dishes. Hold the baby while Mom showers. Walk in the door with a thing of iced tea or a big bottle of water and just hand it to mom straight away. or Oooh! Bring those salads from the deli section of the supermarket -- I had a hard time getting enough vegetables, and the friend who brought me a salad a day for a week will be forever remembered.
posted by KathrynT at 12:32 AM on August 20, 2011


Nthing that the first few weeks is when all the attention comes.

A newborn is a lot are easier than a 1 month old. Newborns basically sleep all the time. They wake up to eat or if their diaper is soiled and then go back to sleep. They want to eat every couple of hours and it can take half an hour or longer for them to eat. Then they need their diaper changed 45 minutes to an hour later. Mom and Dad aren't getting much uninterrupted sleep, but there isn't much else going on.

It's later when it gets harder. When Baby is sleeping longer stretches it usually means he's up longer too. This is where it can get tough because he'll start crying for attention, or because he's bored, or scared, or not swaddled right, or the shirt is uncomfortable, or he doesn't like that noise. Mom and Dad are still getting used to the different cries and don't know the difference between "I'm hungry" and "I really want to cuddle" so they have to go through the whole 'check the diaper, try to feed him, re-bundle his blanket, bounce him this way, rock him that way, try the pacifier, check the diaper again, bounce him the other way...'

This is when Mom and Dad are dying from sleep deprivation and living on peanut butter and jelly or take-out. I had one friend show up with a Jamba Juice and tell me to go take a shower. She said that even if the baby screamed the whole time I was in there I wouldn't be able to hear it, and she didn't mind a screaming baby. I got out to find a still sleeping kid and her folding laundry. She then insisted that I take a nap and she'd come wake me up when the baby needed to be fed. My husband came home while I was asleep and showed her how to feed the baby so I was able to sleep for about three hours. It was the first time I felt like a real human again.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:40 AM on August 20, 2011 [9 favorites]


Nthing that your food and help will be VERY appreciated during months 2 and 3 when all the new-baby excitement and help from other friends and family has died down. You will be a rock star friend if you jump in then because *that* is when the going gets really tough.

And if they have other, young children, it is a godsend to have someone come over and play with them in the evening.
posted by ellenaim at 4:47 AM on August 20, 2011


Yes, yes, yes to TooFewShoes' suggestion. Wait a bit to do your heavy lifting as a friend. When Toddler Murrey was 5 weeks old it was much harder on us than when he was first born. He was much more demanding at the same time that the sleep deprivation had worn us down to a little nub. Our reserves were non-existent.

Giving your friends an hour of free time to shower, nap or to meander needlessly around Whole Foods --just to be away for a short while-- is heavenly. I don't think it matters if you do laundry, clean the litter box, cook, etc. Just be willing to watch the baby for short periods during that critical time when all of the others come and gone after the initial excitement of NEW BABY!!!! and the sleep deprivation is really taking its toll.

One more thing...if your friends are like me and are uncomfortable asking others for help, don't ask if they need help. They do. So if you have an hour here or there to take away some of the burden, just tell them you are coming over to help (they will tell you if it is a bad time), walk in and look for ways to help. My preference was short reprieves from childcare--heck, just having someone else hold Baby Murrey was a relief. But when someone walked in and said "I am taking the dogs for a walk", "where's the vacuum?" or almost any other darned thing that might be helpful, I nearly burst into tears with relief. Just take control because they will either be too weary to know what needs doing or are too shy to ask a friend to do menial chores or both.
posted by murrey at 5:10 AM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Anything you can do to get the parents some sleep would probably be the most helpful. We never asked anyone to watch a baby because we didn't want to put them through the small hell of listening to a screaming kid, but we really would have loved an hour to sleep occasionally.
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 8:17 AM on August 20, 2011


« Older help computer   |   King Smedleys Beer? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.