Please help me place my mother's senior dog
August 15, 2011 9:23 AM Subscribe
Does anyone have experience with giving up a senior dog for adoption? How does the process work?
I’ve googled and keep finding generic ‘post pet's picture here’ rescue sites and I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for – I very much want to make sure the dog is going to the right home. Ideally, someone who is home a lot and has no small children.
It breaks my heart to even ask this question, but I think we’re at the point where this dog is not a good fit for my family and I need help.
In June of last year, my mother passed away. She was a late-stage alcoholic and we were estranged. She lived alone in a house in CA with her 14-year old dog, Napoleon, a papillon. For a long time Napoleon was the only thing that kept her going - no matter how broke she was or how little care she took of herself, she always made sure that Napoleon was up on his shots and had the best food and took him to the doggie park every day. Over the last 9 months of her life, she became a shut-in and gradually stopped going to the doggie park and the groomer, though she always kept him fed.
When she died, there was no one else to take him – I asked – without going into too many details, she was estranged from most of her friends as well as my brother and the rest of her family, who all live overseas. So I brought him home with me to CT to live with my family, which includes 3 kids 5 and under, a dog and a cat.
There are a number of reasons why this is not working – I’m going to leave out the details to keep this brief:
1) He is a yapper and nothing we’ve tried (spraying etc.) has helped. He frequently wakes up our kids as well as us.
2) He is extremely clingy and refuses to be further than 3 feet away from me at any given time and is always underfoot. If I step into a closet and back out, I step on him. If I'm carrying a kid (and can't see my feet) I step on him. I've frequently tripped over him and it's a miracle I haven't hurt myself or the kids yet. It has gone from 'oh, the poor thing, he's been through hell and I'm glad he's formed a bond to me' to 'how can you possibly not yet have learned to not stand directly behind me every moment?' (It's usually his fur/tail that gets stepped on, not his body.)
3) He pees and poops whenever and wherever he chooses. This is learned behavior from when my mom stopped taking him out – when I cleared out her house there were pee stains and mummified poop in every single room. We have seen the vet and have excluded medical issues beyond 'old man bladder' and 'general neurosis'. Sometimes he'll pee inside 10 minutes after we've seen him pee outside. We have tried weewee pads (he’ll go somewhere else). We have tried limiting water intake (doesn’t matter). We have tried the crate (not an option due to #1 - he will yap till the morning light. Seriously. We've tried. And there's nowhere in the house where we can't hear him through the walls.). We know that he can hold it because weeks, even months, will go by without incidents.
4) He has nipped at my kids’ fingers on 2 occasions when they’ve frightened/stepped on him. I don’t blame him for it, but I don’t want it to happen again.
My wife is at her wits’ end and frankly wants to put him down. I’m a huge dog person and this situation is really difficult for me. I’m at the point where the constant additional work and frustration is starting to outweigh the guilt I would feel at not taking care of him – the one thing I could do for my mother when she died was take care of the dog she loved above all else – but my family has to come first.
A few other relevant factors: He’s about 10lbs, friendly and affectionate and after a period of adjustment got along well with my other (much bigger) dog and cat, but he is old – 14+, hard of hearing and has cataracts, though otherwise healthy and has no physical illnesses. I cannot bring myself to put him down just because he’s ruining our rugs and is a neurotic pain in the ass.
I’ve called a shelter, who did not want to take him in due to his age. Can you help me find other options? I’m in southwestern CT. Thank you so much.
I’ve googled and keep finding generic ‘post pet's picture here’ rescue sites and I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for – I very much want to make sure the dog is going to the right home. Ideally, someone who is home a lot and has no small children.
It breaks my heart to even ask this question, but I think we’re at the point where this dog is not a good fit for my family and I need help.
In June of last year, my mother passed away. She was a late-stage alcoholic and we were estranged. She lived alone in a house in CA with her 14-year old dog, Napoleon, a papillon. For a long time Napoleon was the only thing that kept her going - no matter how broke she was or how little care she took of herself, she always made sure that Napoleon was up on his shots and had the best food and took him to the doggie park every day. Over the last 9 months of her life, she became a shut-in and gradually stopped going to the doggie park and the groomer, though she always kept him fed.
When she died, there was no one else to take him – I asked – without going into too many details, she was estranged from most of her friends as well as my brother and the rest of her family, who all live overseas. So I brought him home with me to CT to live with my family, which includes 3 kids 5 and under, a dog and a cat.
There are a number of reasons why this is not working – I’m going to leave out the details to keep this brief:
1) He is a yapper and nothing we’ve tried (spraying etc.) has helped. He frequently wakes up our kids as well as us.
2) He is extremely clingy and refuses to be further than 3 feet away from me at any given time and is always underfoot. If I step into a closet and back out, I step on him. If I'm carrying a kid (and can't see my feet) I step on him. I've frequently tripped over him and it's a miracle I haven't hurt myself or the kids yet. It has gone from 'oh, the poor thing, he's been through hell and I'm glad he's formed a bond to me' to 'how can you possibly not yet have learned to not stand directly behind me every moment?' (It's usually his fur/tail that gets stepped on, not his body.)
3) He pees and poops whenever and wherever he chooses. This is learned behavior from when my mom stopped taking him out – when I cleared out her house there were pee stains and mummified poop in every single room. We have seen the vet and have excluded medical issues beyond 'old man bladder' and 'general neurosis'. Sometimes he'll pee inside 10 minutes after we've seen him pee outside. We have tried weewee pads (he’ll go somewhere else). We have tried limiting water intake (doesn’t matter). We have tried the crate (not an option due to #1 - he will yap till the morning light. Seriously. We've tried. And there's nowhere in the house where we can't hear him through the walls.). We know that he can hold it because weeks, even months, will go by without incidents.
4) He has nipped at my kids’ fingers on 2 occasions when they’ve frightened/stepped on him. I don’t blame him for it, but I don’t want it to happen again.
My wife is at her wits’ end and frankly wants to put him down. I’m a huge dog person and this situation is really difficult for me. I’m at the point where the constant additional work and frustration is starting to outweigh the guilt I would feel at not taking care of him – the one thing I could do for my mother when she died was take care of the dog she loved above all else – but my family has to come first.
A few other relevant factors: He’s about 10lbs, friendly and affectionate and after a period of adjustment got along well with my other (much bigger) dog and cat, but he is old – 14+, hard of hearing and has cataracts, though otherwise healthy and has no physical illnesses. I cannot bring myself to put him down just because he’s ruining our rugs and is a neurotic pain in the ass.
I’ve called a shelter, who did not want to take him in due to his age. Can you help me find other options? I’m in southwestern CT. Thank you so much.
I just found this website:
The Senior Dogs Project
There's several locations in Connecticut and a few appear to be in the S or SW part of the state.
posted by johnstein at 9:38 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
The Senior Dogs Project
There's several locations in Connecticut and a few appear to be in the S or SW part of the state.
posted by johnstein at 9:38 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
First, please don't feel guilty. You are not a bad son. You are doing the best you can. The dog will probably be a lot happier with someone who can give him lots more attention.
The good news is lots of folks like little dogs. And the death of the owner is a great reason for re-homing.
So I'd also suggest contacting the breed's rescue organization. Try NYC if there's nothing local. They might be able to foster your pup right away.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:40 AM on August 15, 2011
The good news is lots of folks like little dogs. And the death of the owner is a great reason for re-homing.
So I'd also suggest contacting the breed's rescue organization. Try NYC if there's nothing local. They might be able to foster your pup right away.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:40 AM on August 15, 2011
I don't want to be frivolous, but as an interim solution for one of the problems: www.dog-nappy.co.uk/ perhaps?
I'm really sorry - it must be really sad for you. Don't feel guilty, just keep being as patient and loving as you can until you find someone who is more able to give that to him all the time. It's not your fault that you can't.
posted by greenish at 9:41 AM on August 15, 2011
I'm really sorry - it must be really sad for you. Don't feel guilty, just keep being as patient and loving as you can until you find someone who is more able to give that to him all the time. It's not your fault that you can't.
posted by greenish at 9:41 AM on August 15, 2011
Perhaps it depends a little on where you live and what shelters are around you. There is a very supportive animal shelter in Whitehorse and they have taken on a 15 year old dog named "Millie" and a very troubled younger dog named "Trevor". I know that Millie was subsequently fostered out by the shelter until she could find a permanent home. Maybe you could send an email to Mae Bacher Sheleter and put your story to them to see if they can give you suggestions that might work for your area.
You could also approach your vet and ask if they have any suggestions.
Failing that you could try being very honest as you have been above and creating a profile for the dog on one of the popular listing websites. You would then be able to meet the person or family who are interested in adopting the dog and you still get to decide if you feel they are a good home for the dog.
Good luck.
posted by YukonQuirm at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2011
You could also approach your vet and ask if they have any suggestions.
Failing that you could try being very honest as you have been above and creating a profile for the dog on one of the popular listing websites. You would then be able to meet the person or family who are interested in adopting the dog and you still get to decide if you feel they are a good home for the dog.
Good luck.
posted by YukonQuirm at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2011
This is going to sound terrible, but... he's 14. I think it's unlikely that he's going to live all that much longer himself. Are you in a position to let him live in a garage, or a room of his own, for that time? It would still be a pain in the ass, but it would be a compassionate option and you could visit and spend time with him on your own terms. You could supplement this with doggy diapers and doggy prozac.
My heart goes out to you - I can't imagine what I would do in your position. I tried looking online for Papillon-specific rescues in Connecticut and didn't find any. Here's a link that might give you a lead on placing the little dude:
http://www.srdogs.com/Pages/needhomes.indiv.html
posted by juniperesque at 9:43 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
My heart goes out to you - I can't imagine what I would do in your position. I tried looking online for Papillon-specific rescues in Connecticut and didn't find any. Here's a link that might give you a lead on placing the little dude:
http://www.srdogs.com/Pages/needhomes.indiv.html
posted by juniperesque at 9:43 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The American Kennel Club lists a few papillon rescue groups.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:44 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 9:44 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
For heaven's sake, ignore juniperesque. Don't banish him in a garage just because he'd old and simply assume he doesn't have much time left. Small dogs live long lives and papillons are sought after. I adopted a 13-14 year old from a breed-specific rescue group, and she is a wonderful companion who has given me a lot of joy. The vet says she has several happy years left in her. She's curled up in the sunlight right now, safe and happy. Find a rescue group.
posted by mochapickle at 9:57 AM on August 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 9:57 AM on August 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
What a sad situation. Nthing papillon rescue. Such breed-specific groups have a passle of foster homes on deck to take such dogs. The rescue we got our dog from had at least 10 dogs over the age of 12--and this was a big breed that doesn't have nearly as long a lifespan as toy dogs like papillons do. Seriously, if he's accepted into a rescue group, it could be mere days until he's in a home better equipped to take care of him.
And please ignore any suggestions to isolate him somewhere. I'm sure you know that at his age and being so lonely and attached to you, banishing him to an isolated location simply to keep his heart beating would not be as kind as other options, including euthanasia.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:05 AM on August 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
And please ignore any suggestions to isolate him somewhere. I'm sure you know that at his age and being so lonely and attached to you, banishing him to an isolated location simply to keep his heart beating would not be as kind as other options, including euthanasia.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:05 AM on August 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've also seen posts from people on Craigslist seeking "permanent foster homes" for their older, hard-to-place dogs. Usually they'll offer to pay for vet bills and food for the remainder of the dogs' life as long as the dog goes to a loving home.
posted by Ostara at 10:19 AM on August 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Ostara at 10:19 AM on August 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I would also like to recommend the rescue orgs. I donate to one for Yorkies... just a quick look on the web will net you results like these. You can also just call one and most often if they don't operate or have foster homes near you they will have contact to like organizations that would be able to assist in your area.
http://www.paphaven.org/contacts.shtml
http://www.pap911rescue.org/
http://www.papillonpalsrescue.com/
it's the only way to make sure the dog goes to a foster home that can care for him and find him a permanent family.
posted by shellyse at 11:59 AM on August 15, 2011
http://www.paphaven.org/contacts.shtml
http://www.pap911rescue.org/
http://www.papillonpalsrescue.com/
it's the only way to make sure the dog goes to a foster home that can care for him and find him a permanent family.
posted by shellyse at 11:59 AM on August 15, 2011
Definitely look at breed rescues and senior dog rescues.
I like the idea of the "permanent foster" - I think someone would be more likely to take in a foster if they knew you would help with costs.
posted by radioamy at 2:20 PM on August 15, 2011
I like the idea of the "permanent foster" - I think someone would be more likely to take in a foster if they knew you would help with costs.
posted by radioamy at 2:20 PM on August 15, 2011
1) Let's not assume the poster is a man; saying "my wife" does not automatically make you a husband
2) At risk of not answering the question, and putting you at your wits end, when you already have a VERY full house --- have you tried any training? I've had experience with senior dogs who have responded very quickly to clicker training. If you google it, or email me, there are tons of simple lessons. Positive reinforcement works 8000x better than negative reinforcement (i.e. squirting)
3) Does the dog have a crate or other little home? Can you train him (with food, clicker or a heated bed) to hang out in his little den, and ask the kids to leave him alone? He is probably overwhelmed, and it'll be easier to housetrain him if he's either outside, on a walk, in supervised play time, or in his dog crate.
4) Have you taken him to the vet recently? He might be in pain or not feeling well - sometimes dogs become extra clingy when they're feeling off or in pain.
5) Definitely contact breed-specific rescues. Also make a little quick free blog, post some photos and the story, and post it on facebook, asking your friends to spread it. Email it to everyone you know - neighborhood listservs, etc., and BE SPECIFIC with who would be right for the dog. You don't have to take the first person who contacts you - suss out the situation. But targeted requests like this have been surprisingly helpful in the past.
6) I am sure you are all overwhelmed, with such a full house, and young kids, and a dog who hasn't been particularly well trained, with lots of bad habits and a now failing body/mind. It's OK for this not to be a good situation - you're not failing the dog or your mom or yourself by going to Plan B (whatever that is). It's a REALLY stressful situation. Whenever we first get a foster dog who is falling apart at the seams, my whole anxiety levels go up and I always feel in over my head. You will figure it out, whatever that means.
If I can be helpful with short training ideas or specific sites or videos, drop me a note.
posted by barnone at 2:49 PM on August 15, 2011
2) At risk of not answering the question, and putting you at your wits end, when you already have a VERY full house --- have you tried any training? I've had experience with senior dogs who have responded very quickly to clicker training. If you google it, or email me, there are tons of simple lessons. Positive reinforcement works 8000x better than negative reinforcement (i.e. squirting)
3) Does the dog have a crate or other little home? Can you train him (with food, clicker or a heated bed) to hang out in his little den, and ask the kids to leave him alone? He is probably overwhelmed, and it'll be easier to housetrain him if he's either outside, on a walk, in supervised play time, or in his dog crate.
4) Have you taken him to the vet recently? He might be in pain or not feeling well - sometimes dogs become extra clingy when they're feeling off or in pain.
5) Definitely contact breed-specific rescues. Also make a little quick free blog, post some photos and the story, and post it on facebook, asking your friends to spread it. Email it to everyone you know - neighborhood listservs, etc., and BE SPECIFIC with who would be right for the dog. You don't have to take the first person who contacts you - suss out the situation. But targeted requests like this have been surprisingly helpful in the past.
6) I am sure you are all overwhelmed, with such a full house, and young kids, and a dog who hasn't been particularly well trained, with lots of bad habits and a now failing body/mind. It's OK for this not to be a good situation - you're not failing the dog or your mom or yourself by going to Plan B (whatever that is). It's a REALLY stressful situation. Whenever we first get a foster dog who is falling apart at the seams, my whole anxiety levels go up and I always feel in over my head. You will figure it out, whatever that means.
If I can be helpful with short training ideas or specific sites or videos, drop me a note.
posted by barnone at 2:49 PM on August 15, 2011
Whoops! Please forgive my heteronormative assumption. I meant to say finding a new home for Napoleon doesn't make you a bad daughter.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:08 PM on August 15, 2011
posted by bluedaisy at 7:08 PM on August 15, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate your help. I'm going to be calling around tomorrow and will come back w/an update. And no worries, bluedaisy ; )
posted by widdershins at 10:50 AM on August 16, 2011
posted by widdershins at 10:50 AM on August 16, 2011
Response by poster: I promised to come back with an update, but unfortunately it's not a happy one. I reached out to the papillon rescue societies listed in the best answers above and started the dialog with them. The 2 I spoke with were very nice but had long waiting lists (one had taken in 24 already, only halfway through that month) unless it was an emergency where the dog was in jeopardy.
While I was mulling it over and agonizing over my decision, I think Napoleon somehow knew what was going on. Over a period of 5 weeks or so he all of a sudden started nipping at my kids, lost the spring in his step and started peeing and pooping inside all the time; generally deteriorating very rapidly. We brought him to the vet and after a lot of discussing and agonizing and crying, we had to put him down. RIP Napoleon - you are missed.
.
posted by widdershins at 2:32 PM on October 4, 2011
While I was mulling it over and agonizing over my decision, I think Napoleon somehow knew what was going on. Over a period of 5 weeks or so he all of a sudden started nipping at my kids, lost the spring in his step and started peeing and pooping inside all the time; generally deteriorating very rapidly. We brought him to the vet and after a lot of discussing and agonizing and crying, we had to put him down. RIP Napoleon - you are missed.
.
posted by widdershins at 2:32 PM on October 4, 2011
Oh, I'm so sad for you and what you've obviously agonized over. I hope you don't feel much if any guilt. You really tried to help Napoleon. And keep in mind that 14 was a good, long life with your mom. Even if she was too ill to take great care of him at the end, they bonded and grew old together over many years together, and from your description, he took care of her in a way when she didn't take proper care of herself or her relationships with humans. He did have a very long stretch of a good life, and it sounds like he even served a noble purpose with your mom.
Rest easy, widdershins. And RIP Napoleon.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:55 PM on October 4, 2011
Rest easy, widdershins. And RIP Napoleon.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:55 PM on October 4, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you, IOD - I appreciate that.
posted by widdershins at 5:54 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by widdershins at 5:54 AM on October 5, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elsietheeel at 9:26 AM on August 15, 2011 [3 favorites]