love without limerence?
August 12, 2011 12:16 PM Subscribe
How important are the butterflies?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
So, I met a guy online and have been out with him three times. I like him, we get along great, he makes me laugh, he’s smart, sweet, and has good taste. He is clearly into me and asked me out on a 2nd date at the end of the first (which I like).
So here’s the problem. Usually when I start dating a guy, I am nervous, insecure and antsy—basically on the edge of my seat waiting for him to call. I have a date set up with this guy for tomorrow and he didn’t text me yesterday. Usually that would have made me anxious, but now not at all. I'm not bothered if I'm the last to text. I’m not sitting around analyzing every message for signs of his attraction like usual.
I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Every relationship I have been in has turned me into an anxious, overanalzying, insecure mess because the men have been crazy jealous, cheaters, or withheld their affection. I have usually worried in my relationships about how attached/attracted to me the other person was. It’s not a fun state to be in and I don’t want to date someone who causes so much insecurity in me, but now I’m wondering whether it’s a bad sign that I’m not a little insecure about this one.
Basically, I feel like I don’t have a “crush” on him. I like his personality and I think he’s pretty cute (but not someone I would pick out of a crowd) and I look forward to seeing him again. We haven’t had sex and while I want to have sex with him, I’m not dying to this instant. Being with him feels safe and comfortable and enjoyable but not filled with fireworks or excitement.
So, does this sound like something I should run with, or should we just be friends? Some of my friends say that I shouldn’t try and force an attraction to someone I’m unsure about, and some say to give it some time and see if more attraction grows. Can attraction grow? Should I stick around or should I go try and find someone who is kind and stable and open about his feelings AND who I can’t wait to rip clothes off of? I hear about how people’s significant relationships start with infatuation and walking around daydreaming about the other person and running into walls and not being able to sleep, and that’s just now how I feel. At the same time, I’m enjoying myself and don’t really want to break it off.
So, what do you think? How necessary is that initial chemistry? Have I been mistaking insecurity and drama for attraction this whole time, or am I just not all that into this dude?