Love, thou know'st, is full of jealousy
August 11, 2011 10:56 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with these feelings of jealousy towards my boyfriend's female friend?
posted by bookgirl18 to Human Relations (29 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Hi hive mind,
I'm in a relationship with (if I do say so myself) the most wonderful boy in the world. After being long-distance for a year, I have moved to his city to begin grad school. Things are still going pretty well so far.
He has lots of very close female friends, most of whom I know or am friendly with too. I have ex-boyfriends with whom I'm still friendly, and he knows most of them too. (It's just kind of a small, incestuous little circle we travel in. Oops.) We have both been very open about these friendships and telling each other when we're going to spend time with an ex. I am not especially jealous of any of these other girls, and I trust my bf.
The female friend in my question is someone I know too, who also recently moved to our city. I'm not sure what it is about her, but she just raises my spidey-senses. She seems quite eager to corner my bf and try to be alone with him while we're in group settings. They have a lot of common interests and are involved in an organization together, so they will almost certainly be spending time together this year. She keeps suggesting that they hang out together one-on-one, though I don't think he has really taken her up on it or initiated any get-togethers. They have a lot of things in common and frequently get drawn into long conversations about topics they seem to agree on. There have been times when the two of them seem more simpatico about certain things than the two of us do.
Truly, he seems mostly oblivious and has really not done anything at all to make me feel insecure. Now that I've moved here, she is definitely making more of an effort to be more friendly to me too, which I appreciate and am trying to reciprocate. But still ... my gut says something is off here.
Now, hivemind, I recognize that a lot of this comes from my own insecurities (I have been cheated on before) and my own nervousness about where our relationship is going. (Is it really serious? Will it last when we're in the same place? Will we end up living together? Etc.) I realize that these questions have nothing at all to do with her. But I'm having trouble shaking my anxiety.
My question: How can I try to lessen my insecurities about her? Try to become friendlier with her? My inclination is NOT to say anything to the bf about my feelings, since there has not been one incident in particular to pinpoint and since I really do want to think the best of them both. (I don't want to be THAT girl, the controlling, nagging one.) Again, I don't mind that he has close female friends with whom he spends one-on-one time ... it's just this particular one. But I've learned from experience that the gut is usually right.
Thanks, y'all. :)