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Traveling to the Caribbean for sex
August 10, 2011 6:06 PM   Subscribe

I recently found out that prior to us dating that my girlfriend had traveled to the Dominican Republic and other Caribbean countries to have sex with local men on the island. In her own words, she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years. Do you think this behavior of disposable relationships is the reason?

Now the reason that I decided to post this question is that after we have sex she immediately takes a shower no matter what time of day or night it is. She also doesn't respond to oral sex, doesn't like her body to be licked, she just likes to be penetrated. I've been told that Caribbean men don't do oral sex.

Her sexual behavior is so strange to me. She makes me fell like I don't satisfy her sexually and we have not had sex in 6 weeks. In many ways, I believe she is focused on the flings that she has while vacationing in the Caribbean especially the Dominican Republic.

After doing some research I found out that many women travel to the Dominican Republic to have sex with the men there. She doesn't know that I found out about her frequent travels there. This is a red flag to me. The question to you is our relationship doomed?
posted by Kevtotpac to Human Relations (23 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
There's like a hundred things wrong here. No not all Caribbean men avoid oral sex, but I bet if you're having a one night stand and someone says, "Don't go down on me," it isn't a big deal to oblige. You don't know if she's focused on these flings, but things aren't working out and you need to talk that stuff out. That doesn't include "research" which I'm sure was done in an invasive way, but apologies if you somehow managed to find something like that out by complete accident.
posted by geoff. at 6:12 PM on August 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


It sounds doomed to me, but I don't have any direct experience with this situation. Perhaps you could ask the person who told you Caribbean men don't do oral sex how these stateside relationships usually work out after the woman gets addicted to Dominicans.
posted by michaelh at 6:13 PM on August 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is your question whether her alleged* sex tourism is the cause of her inability to have long-term romantic relationships? You are going to have a hell of a time trying to suss out some sort of causation there.

*Alleged because your question is really unclear as to whether you actually know she went there to have sex with men, or if you know only that women sometimes do that and that your girlfriend went to the D.R. a lot. This is frankly the biggest relationship doom factor I am seeing here.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 6:14 PM on August 10, 2011 [8 favorites]


Yeah, your relationship is doomed. You don't communicate well, you don't trust her, and you're not sexually compatible. Any reason why you're still dating her?
posted by KokuRyu at 6:18 PM on August 10, 2011 [20 favorites]


she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years

Why do you think your relationship is going to be any different? If past behaviour is any predictor of future behaviour - and it very frequently is - it was kinda doomed before it started.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:44 PM on August 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Your girlfriend is a sex tourist.

she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years. Do you think this behavior of disposable relationships is the reason?

Yeah. That sounds likely. At the very least, there's a significant correlation between the two.

after we have sex she immediately takes a shower no matter what time of day or night it is

She also doesn't respond to oral sex, doesn't like her body to be licked, she just likes to be penetrated

Her sexual behavior is so strange to me. She makes me fell like I don't satisfy her sexually and we have not had sex in 6 weeks.

You two are not sexually compatible. If you want to continue this relationship, and I can't imagine why you would, you'll have to deal with that somehow.

The question to you is our relationship doomed?

Yes, your relationship is doomed. Unless everything else is really amazing, you can do way better than someone who only wants to fuck and be fucked by exotic brown people.
posted by clockzero at 6:59 PM on August 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some of these answers are borderline racist... "exotic brown people"?!

There's nothing wrong with having a fling on a vacation, and this may have nothing to do with her desire for cleanliness after sex or her distaste for oral. You are reading a lot of things into this.

You need to talk with her and have an open mind. You are judging her by your own preconceptions, not her experiences. Maybe her flings helped her get in touch with her sexuality and lose her inhibitions and made her a better woman. Maybe they showed her that she wants to have a meaningful relationship. You don't know until you talk to her.

If you care about her, don't judge her. Understand her.
posted by carolinaherrera at 7:13 PM on August 10, 2011 [21 favorites]


So you found out that your girlfriend travels to the Caribbean frequently, and you've now jumped to the conclusion that it's for the purposes of sex tourism?

Here are some other reasons that women travel to the Caribbean:
* They like warm weather
* They like beaches
* They like snorkeling
* They live on the East Coast of the United States and the DR is really the best option for a not-so-expensive yet kinda-luxurious vacation.
* Etc.

Has your girlfriend said anything about her sexual history, or is this really all based on some passport stamps and a dislike of oral sex? (And, just FYI, some women don't like oral sex. Also, some men don't like oral sex.)

There is a huge red flag in this relationship, and from the way this question reads, it's not her - it's you. You come across as having a jealous imagination, and also some pretty severe communication issues.

If you want this relationship to proceed, you need to say, "Listen, I'm not certain that what we've been doing is satisfying you. I really like you, and want to make you happy. Is there anything you'd like me to try or do differently than what we've been doing?"

It's entirely possible that, like these alleged Caribbean boyfriends, her dissatisfaction is all in your head. To be fair, it's also possible that you've been working diligently to try to satisfy her, and it's her communication issues that have left you to guess at the contents of that void.

Either way, these alleged Caribbean dudes are a red herring. Work on communicating better, or yes, the relationship is indeed doomed.
posted by psycheslamp at 7:18 PM on August 10, 2011 [18 favorites]


So you found out that your girlfriend travels to the Caribbean frequently, and you've now jumped to the conclusion that it's for the purposes of sex tourism?

The OP doesn't state how he found out, so you're actually the one jumping to conclusions here.

OP, this is basically doomed no matter what's going on. You're not sexually compatible, and regardless of the sex tourism and she told you she has't had any stable relationships for a decade. Move on as soon as possible.
posted by spaltavian at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am feeling that her behaviour in the past is the reason your relationship will be doomed, but not because she did it but because you can't seem to accept it.
posted by shazzam! at 8:28 PM on August 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Now the reason that I decided to post this question is that after we have sex she immediately takes a shower no matter what time of day or night it is.

You show a lack of understanding of female health here. For women, sex comes with a higher risk of painful and debilitating UTIs. (urinary tract infections) These are more common in women as a whole than men, and some women are susceptible to them through no fault of their own. It's just an unfortunate cold hard fact of biology, and means nothing beyond that. Washing up before and after sex, being careful during sex not to irritate the urethra, and peeing before and after sex can help this. So can, some say, drinking cranberry juice, but cleanliness is the #1 preventor. Once a woman gets a UTI, recovery is long and annoying and means no sex for her or her partner. Untreated, they can be very serious and lead to kidney infection. In my experience, men don't really understand how painful, annoying, and frequent UTIs can be, and how easy it can be to get them. Being clinical about cleanliness can be a turnoff in the same way that insisting on putting on a condom for safe sex can be a turnoff- it breaks the "natural" pace and mood, and breaks the "romantic programming" that she's supposed to be spontaneously swept away into sex and then lie in bed next to you afterwards. Nevertheless, it's not something that's fun for the woman either- it's not something she's doing to punish you or reject you. It's just purely preventative and protective-the enemy is biology and/or a creator with a sense of humor, not her or you.

She also doesn't respond to oral sex, doesn't like her body to be licked, she just likes to be penetrated. I've been told that Caribbean men don't do oral sex.

In my anecdotal experience, I suspect that women who are more susceptible to UTIs are also likely to be the ones who don't enjoy oral sex as much. Oral sex can lead to UTIs because it focuses on the region of the urethra in women, and even with perfect oral hygeine (which most men do not have every time) it is very difficult to avoid irritating the area. This is very, very, VERY likely to be personal preference and have nothing to do with why she decided to have sex with Caribbean men, assuming she did.

As an aside, I have found that men typically enjoy performing oral sex more than women do. For some signifigant portion of men it can be arousing and enjoyable for them, and have little to do with the actual pleasure of the woman. There is a myth that oral sex is what women want most, probably because most men enjoy having oral sex performed on them and there is a false understanding that it is analagous with the genders reversed, and also because it seems unfair that penetrative sex can mean more difficult orgasm for women without there also existing a different "option" that takes more effort and skill than luck of the draw. Unfortunately, mother nature laughs again, because the cold, hard, ugly truth is that for a lot of women, orgasms are difficult to achieve through both oral AND vaginal sex. It's unfair. It's biology. In fact, some with a different perspective would say you are very lucky to have a girlfriend who can get off from penetrative sex relatively easily. Please understand this and that it very, very likely has nothing to do with you personally. If you enjoy performing oral sex and want a woman to allow you to do so, that's fine, but understand that it's more for your pleasure and preference at that point than for hers.

After doing some research I found out that many women travel to the Dominican Republic to have sex with the men there. She doesn't know that I found out about her frequent travels there.

Your research methods sound sketchy and questionable to me. Are you sure you aren't letting your imagination run away with you and relying on anecdotal evidence to confirm what you're looking for?

In many ways, I believe she is focused on the flings that she has while vacationing in the Caribbean especially the Dominican Republic.

How can you know this, assuming she's never brought them up?

In her own words, she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years.

"In her own words" - you say this defensively. Are you sure that's what she was trying to communicate? Maybe she meant she was unable to get a partner to commit to her, not that she was unable to stay with one partner? It's ambiguous.

She makes me fell like I don't satisfy her sexually

This is probably your insecurity and imagination talking more than her.

...and we have not had sex in 6 weeks.


Now this is an actual problem. Is it because you have not initiated due to insecurity? Is it because she's turned you down?
posted by Nixy at 8:29 PM on August 10, 2011 [8 favorites]


clockzero: she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years. Do you think this behavior of disposable relationships is the reason?

Yeah. That sounds likely. At the very least, there's a significant correlation between the two.

Orrrrr she developed the behavior of going on vacation to find "disposable relationships" BECAUSE she wasn't able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year?



Dude. Talk to your girlfriend.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:39 PM on August 10, 2011


After doing some research I found out that many women travel to the Dominican Republic to have sex with the men there.

This sentence seems to indicate that while you know your girlfriend used to go to the Dominican Republic (and other Caribbean countries), you're only guessing that she went there for sex, on account of what you've read about other women's habits. Is that right?
posted by Adventurer at 8:43 PM on August 10, 2011


I recently found out that prior to us dating that my girlfriend had traveled to the Dominican Republic and other Caribbean countries to have sex with local men on the island. In her own words, she has not been able to maintain a stable relationship for over a year here in the states for the past 10 years. Do you think this behavior of disposable relationships is the reason?


As stated above, I am well aware that she traveled to the Dominican Republic to have sex " As a sex tourist" A woman traveling alone to these islands resorts. I found emails and telephone bills and pictures from these men while throwing out some old papers. Including western union receipts where she sent money back to the islands. I then Googled "Sanky Panky" and read the articles and posts from disgruntled women who had been used buy the Dominicans to distort money. After reading the articles, emails etc.. and observing her behavior it made sense to me as to why she has tried to but has been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship.


She is ashamed and does not want to discuss it, so yes I am done with the relationship. I also, discovered that she was fired from her job because she was so addicted to traveling there 4-5 times a year that she started using her corporate American Express Card to pay for trips.

posted by Kevtotpac at 9:23 PM on August 10, 2011


Maybe she had flings because she couldn't hold down a relationship and was desperate for companionship. Maybe she had flings even during a relationship and that's what broke them up. Maybe just knowing she had the option of getting easier sex elsewhere contributed in some complicated way to the decline of her relationships. Who knows?

But the important thing is that you're not happy with your sex life, and she lied to you about her sexual past. It certainly sounds like she had an unhealthy addiction to sex tourism. You may never understand her motivations, but if you're not happy with the relationship and you feel like you can't trust her and that she hasn't changed, it's hopeless. I'm sorry this happened to you in such a confusing and painful way.
posted by Nixy at 9:49 PM on August 10, 2011


...it made sense to me as to why she has tried to but has been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Now that you've figured THAT out, think about why YOU have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship. Maybe you don't satisfy her sexually. Maybe she is annoyed that you're bugging her about previous sex partners and that you blame her totally innocuous habits and preferences on some personal damage you imagine she's accrued. Maybe she's tired of your snooping, your uncharitable judgments, and your armchair psychiatrist-style diagnoses of her personality problems.

Just a thought.

You definitely shouldn't stay with her if are having such bad feelings about her, but it really isn't fair to make it all about her supposed problems.
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:03 PM on August 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


If you haven't already, have STD testing done, now and in six months.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:24 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Its okay to be icked out by a partner's past prediliction for sex tourism. Man, woman, gay, straight lesbian, transgender. Its your sexuality. Sounds Limbaughesque, frankly.

It is your body and you're not required to do anything you do not like.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:16 AM on August 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


Never fixate on a partners sexual past unless it directly affects you. The only thing you need to worry about is if she has an STD. It doesn't make her a bad person for having had sex with a bunch of Caribbean guys on one night stands. Maybe that was a phase in her life that she has grown out of?

As far as sex goes, maybe she is only interested in doing it in interesting places? Try varying the locale and trying to make it more illicit. Maybe that is all it will take.

Your relationship will definitely be doomed if that is filling your every waking thought.
posted by JJ86 at 6:36 AM on August 11, 2011


Kevtotpac said: She is ashamed and does not want to discuss it, so yes I am done with the relationship.

Why do you feel she has to discuss these details of her past with you? Her past is none of your business unless she feels inclined to let you know. It is interesting and frankly bizarre that you make this a requisite of a relationship.
posted by JJ86 at 6:41 AM on August 11, 2011


Some of these answers are borderline racist... "exotic brown people"?!

I don't see how that's racist. This woman is the one who apparently travels to a specific country/geographical area to have sex with a specific type of person, I was merely remarking on it. I apologize if I gave offense to you or anyone else.
posted by clockzero at 6:56 AM on August 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


The question to you is our relationship doomed?

Yes. Yes it is. That she travelled to the DR for sex obviously bothers you or you wouldn't have mentioned it. You guys don't sound sexually compatible and frankly, she sounds like she needs some therapy or something. It sounds much more like fear of intimacy on her part rather than some bullshit "getting in touch with her sexuality" as others have intimated.
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:46 AM on August 11, 2011


I recently found out that prior to us dating

This is the key point. I have known men who have slept with prostitutes in the past, but then went on to stable, 'normal' relationships. I also know women who have had relationships with women and then married men. Unless you have a moral problem with prostitution/sex tourism in general, I'm not sure why you should break things off with this woman purely because of her sexual past. Nowhere do you suggest this is still continuing - so why is it a problem that she preferred to express her sexuality this way before being with you? She probably doesn't want to discuss it because she's aware that society in general sees using sex workers as something one should be ashamed of.

Nthing the person above who said you need to get tested, though. As does she.
posted by mippy at 5:00 AM on August 12, 2011


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