Separation within a marital residence: is it doable?

August 9, 2011 12:06 PM

I think I need a break in my marriage. I've been a lot of emotional pain, and his behavior is making it worse and worse. However, we'd so damn poor that we couldn't even afford to physically separate. What's the likelihood of a separation within a marital residence actually working out? Have you tried it? What happened?

There is nowhere else I could go. None of my friends have room for me, and my family has their own troubles. I've slept on couches, and I'm not up to that right now. We have a small two-bedroom house, so there is room for this to happen. I definitely don't *want* to be under the same roof with him; some of our major issues would remain unresolved. I know many couples have separate bedrooms, but that's not exactly what I have in mind. I'm not interested in divorce in the future. I think we just need a mental health break for a while. This would not be a legal separation. I have no plans for talking to a lawyer.

Please tell me your thoughts and experiences. Have you done this? What happened? How did you manage it? Did it help your marriage, or make it worse? Do you have another solution? Many thanks...

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

There is nowhere else I could go. None of my friends have room for me, and my family has their own troubles.

Are you just assuming these things, or have you actually asked? If you were my friend I would MAKE room for you in my tiny two room apartment.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:11 PM on August 9, 2011 [10 favorites]

I successfully lived with an ex for a couple of years after we broke up. However, we were both behaving well and still basically got along, and during the first stage of the breakup he moved out for awhile and stayed with family. We are still very close friends and lived together again later for several years.

In your circumstances, where you say his behavior is being very hard on you, I'd be less optimistic about it going well. If he agrees to it, and you can figure out some clear idea about what "a break" means when living in the same house (do you need to let each other know if you're going out in the evening and won't be home for dinner, for instance? will you still socialize together at all? and so on), it might work out. I think it creates a fuzzy boundary that could be very hard to negotiate, though.
posted by not that girl at 12:18 PM on August 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Can one of you take a temporary gig as a housesitter in your area? At least that way you could get a break without having to fork out cash for a hotel.
posted by corey flood at 12:21 PM on August 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

I think TYRR is on to something. Do you each have a private area at home where you can go to be alone? In even the smallest 2-bedroom house you should be able to manage this. It's very important to have some of your own personal space. Can you work together to divide up the house into private area #1, private area #2, and the rest (shared)?
posted by fritley at 12:42 PM on August 9, 2011

What does "separating" mean to you? You're going to have to decide that before this question is answerable.

But if his behavior is contributing to the problem, staying in the same house isn't likely to stop the behavior. You can't control him, you can't tell him not to talk to you or paint a line down the center of the house.

If you need some space of your own and are able to seek that out in your house, you can do that. It seems like you're going to need to augment that with therapy (probably external AND self-directed at home), though, if you have no intention of divorcing.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:37 PM on August 9, 2011

Why don't you pitch a tent in the backyard for the summer and make it your "art space". It sounds like what you really need is a third room for working through personal issues. A studio would be a big help. If you can find a place to spend your days (assuming you do not have a job) you might find the solace you need while looking for a bigger place for the both of you.
posted by parmanparman at 1:49 PM on August 9, 2011

You can do this; you can essentially become room mates in a two bedroom house. You cook for you, he cooks for him, your time is your own, you split house cleaning duties, rent and all bills down the middle.

The problem is that unlike moving out, if he's not on board with this, it won't work. He will eat your food, unilaterally get or cancel your cable or internet, agree you're both going to a family wedding without asking, or otherwise just be difficult about this on top of being a really crappy room mate.

I would look for a house sitting gig as suggested if at all possible.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:03 PM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Would he be willing to move out for a bit? Does he have any friends or family who can take him in?

If not, I agree with showbiz_liz that you want to be sure that someone your friends and family don't have a spare couch. I've made room for good friends in dinky little city apartments before (once, a good friend and her cat). True, I would only do this for a good friend and someone who was responsible, employed (or getting disability income), good-tempered and picked up after herself, but if this is you, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:04 PM on August 9, 2011

This is all going to depend on how cooperative he is with you about space and time apart and boundaries. As DarlingBri pointed out, it could work, but he'd have to want to make it work. Does he?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:21 PM on August 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal that you might find useful: To save a marriage, split up?.
posted by mogget at 2:42 PM on August 9, 2011

i really really wish my ex and i wouldn't have tried any of the sort of insane together yet taking a break things we did which just made everything worse.

however...we started with just sort of virtual space...no texting/emailing/phone calls during the day unless it was household business related no facebook comments, and we could take a day off with no contact at all. Call it emotional space. That was a plan of our marriage counselor, and did help for a little while.

if you are too broke to move out, you are probably too broke for marriage counseling as well, but i'd also recommend that, you could even try to find a local pastor/rabbi/priest to talk to as well. i'm an atheist myself, but those types have a lot of experience dealing with people in trouble, and sometimes more than hearing what they have to say what you really need is practice articulating what you feel and explaining it to someone else.
posted by th3ph17 at 2:43 PM on August 9, 2011

oh god...i ended up in this exact situation with my ex BF, way back in college...let's just say there are much better circles of hell to die in...like, all of them. can only imagine how much worse it would be married...there IS another solution out there, but you need to actively seek it out...start making calls.
posted by sexyrobot at 3:04 PM on August 9, 2011

One of my sisters and her husband tried this, with him moving into the den of their large-ish three-bedroom house: it did NOT work out, and their eventual divorce can best be described as "extremely nasty". Not to say that things suddenly became sweetness & light when he DID finally move out, but at least that meant their kids no longer had to witness every single argument and bitter comment.
posted by easily confused at 5:08 PM on August 9, 2011

Library? Perhaps not trying to make a total separation but gently adjust your personal schedule so that you minimize interaction? Can you find a project or volunteer or professional meetings that keep you out of the cycle? Time mornings. It's possible to spend days in the same apartment with barely a dozen words exchanged.
posted by sammyo at 7:14 PM on August 9, 2011

If you move out, talk to a lawyer first, as you may lose residency and your rights to continue living in the home.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:11 PM on August 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Stay in the same house, move into the separate rooms and establish independent routines and activities. Operate as if you're roommates (who rarely see each other). Try to find activities that get you out of the house. It may or may not work, but it's a place to start.
posted by mleigh at 12:50 AM on August 10, 2011

My parents separated but still lived together for a year. It was the most damaging thing they ever did to my brother and I (and that is saying a lot), and the effects of it can still be felt today on all of us, over a decade later. Now looking back I don't think that anyone in that house escaped a nervous breakdown that year.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 8:00 AM on August 10, 2011

10 years ago, Ms. Yuck and I separated for six months. Weekly dinner and nightly phone calls. It helped us think through a bunch of baggage.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:12 PM on August 10, 2011

Oops!

I don't see how you can achieve anything in the same house.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:13 PM on August 10, 2011

I did this for a few months with a live-in boyfriend and had a pretty spectacular nervous breakdown. Anywhere is going to be better than there, don't automatically assume that your friends and family aren't able or willing to absorb you into their homes.
posted by autoclavicle at 1:05 PM on August 13, 2011