How can I dialogue with my boyfriend about some of his friends so that I'm a) not creating unnecessary discord and b) able to stay true to myself and my own needs.
Since entering into a relationship with my boyfriend, I've had some unpleasant encounters with a few of his friends and it's all frustrating me to no end. Below are some stupid in-a-nutshell descriptions of each individual. I need help with dialoguing with my boyfriend about each person so that this doesn't end up as a "These Birds of a Feather doesn't play nicely with others" kind of deal.
- Friend A is an older female who is upset that my boyfriend is no longer at her disposal to act as a surrogate girlfriend/boyfriend for her when she has relationship troubles with her own boyfriend. I really want to get to know her, but she has been cold and unfriendly whenever we see each other (which is rare to begin with), and does this thing where she's both hyper supportive of my boyfriend dating me, but also hyper critical. She thinks I'm fake -- boyfriend disagrees wholeheartedly because she has no evidence to support such a conclusion. My boyfriend considers Friend A and her boyfriend to be his best friends and doesn't understand why she and I can't get along.
- Friend B is a female peer who has known my boyfriend for a few years. I enjoy her company, but I am not crazy about how unkind she is to some of the people around her. She recently spoke way out of line during a trip to a theme park and blamed me unilaterally for the bad night she was having, even though I was there as her guest and I had been treating her like a queen the entire evening. I was offended. Rather than engage her in a tete-a-tete, I opted not to interact with her for the rest of the night so I could maintain the peace, but wrote her the next morning, acknowledged the tension, and genuinely told her that I appreciated her presence and was happy to have been able to hang out with her. She responded by lashing out at me again and gave me an ultimatum about being an arrogant bitch and that unless I told her I was sorry for ruining her night, she would come between me and my boyfriend. I demurred and did so at the expense of my own needs, even though other friends who had been with us that night agreed that I hadn't done anything to provoke her. Now she is refusing to come to my BF's birthday.
- Friend C is a male peer who happens to be inordinately racist and homophobic. My boyfriend only sees him occasionally, but we saw Friend C last night and I was very, very upset to spend time with him once I realized how much of a bigot he was. Boyfriend is not a bigot, but didn't know what to say when I called him out for having a friend like C to begin with. I told him that I'd hang out with C but that if he made homophobic remarks, I'd call C on them. Boyfriend understood but seemed sad about me not gelling with yet another friend.
Now, I have absolutely no control over any of these people. I'm aware of that. However, the tension that the two women feel towards me frustrates my boyfriend and he has made some indirect remarks about how he wonders if it's actually me and not them. He is sad that we all can't get along. Obviously this is really upsetting and I don't feel like I should have to modify myself when these individuals' behaviors go unchecked.
How can I address these things with my boyfriend without it turning into some ridiculous mess? I genuinely believe it's naive to assume every one of your friends will get along with your partner, and given that I did nothing at all to A and B, and that C is a douche, I don't think it's fair that I have to suppress my personality to get these people to like me. However, I'm here for the long term, and I do want to get along with his friends, and I don't want him to choose. Is equilibrium possible?
Additionally: I recognize this is a little whiny, and a little stupid. I just can't conceptualize how to stand up for my needs in this scenario AND be a pleasant companion, too. I'm also completely open to the possibility that it IS me, but input from objective friends who've witnessed A, B, and C's behavior says otherwise. I don't know anymore.