Is it really that bad?
August 8, 2011 9:43 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend hit me. How I should react to this?
First I want to give some background for perspective: My boyfriend and I are in our mid to late 20's. We've been together for 9 months. We get along great and enjoy spending time together. I moved to his country, far away from my country of origin. Adjusting to life here has been stressful and quite isolating for me. I have been dealing with some steadily deepening depression on top of longstanding PTSD from an abusive childhood (I don't have access to therapy in this new country). My boyfriend has been supportive of me partly financially and often times emotionally. In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns. I know this is 100% wrong and I'm not excusing my behavior at all. I have a lot to work through and my boyfriend has been supportive of this.
Last night his behavior was so out of the ordinary that it's hard for me to understand what to do about it. It was past 3am and I had taken a xanax an hour or two before. We got into an argument about him turning the screen off so we could finally sleep. I slapped my hand on his keyboard and he immediately hit my back with such force that it made a loud thumping noise. I had never had a boyfriend or any man lay a finger on me in that way. I was in shock and I started crying and saying "Oh my god, you hit me." I honestly had no idea how to process it. I started having a terrible panic attack, crying uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't sleep in the same bed with him after that so I went to the couch. For the first time ever I felt afraid of him.
The real problem that compounded everything for me was his reaction. He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man, because of the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm. I'm 110 lbs, he's about 160lbs, 2 inches taller than I. He responded to that by saying that it's a "person hitting a person," and no one should hit anyone. I know no one should hit anyone, but if anyone shouldn't hit anyone I believe it would lean more to the man. He also had the capability to restrain me, remove himself from the situation, talk to me, etc. before hitting me. He said he didn't know if I was going to do something crazy and hurt myself (so he hit me?).
I know this relationship has problems on my side. Which is why I don't know whether I should be upset about this. I googled the topic of whether it's ok for a man to hit a woman and some people say that it is ok if she hits him. I feel like if I had never hit him in the past, then it would be pretty bad that he hit me. Like I said, I have hit him in the arm before during some depressive meltdowns, and so maybe this is just something I should expect. Although, in this instance, I didn't touch him, I just hit his keyboard.
I am really confused about how to deal with this. It worries me that he may hide his anger until it bursts in physical forms. He says he doesn't like what he did and doesn't know why and he never wants it to happen again, but he always goes on to try to excuse it in a way or diminish it, which worries me. Just today we talked about it again, even after he apologized again, but tried to reason it by saying, "You pounded something, I pounded something." He's been very defensive in all our discussions of it. I often heard people saying if a man hits you once, he'll do it again. I feel that I don't want to leave him though, because I don't think this truly defines his character. I don't know what the appropriate response to this is. How am I supposed to react to what happened? How do I move on from this?
Throwaway email: oiewrp2n2b34@gmail.com
First I want to give some background for perspective: My boyfriend and I are in our mid to late 20's. We've been together for 9 months. We get along great and enjoy spending time together. I moved to his country, far away from my country of origin. Adjusting to life here has been stressful and quite isolating for me. I have been dealing with some steadily deepening depression on top of longstanding PTSD from an abusive childhood (I don't have access to therapy in this new country). My boyfriend has been supportive of me partly financially and often times emotionally. In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns. I know this is 100% wrong and I'm not excusing my behavior at all. I have a lot to work through and my boyfriend has been supportive of this.
Last night his behavior was so out of the ordinary that it's hard for me to understand what to do about it. It was past 3am and I had taken a xanax an hour or two before. We got into an argument about him turning the screen off so we could finally sleep. I slapped my hand on his keyboard and he immediately hit my back with such force that it made a loud thumping noise. I had never had a boyfriend or any man lay a finger on me in that way. I was in shock and I started crying and saying "Oh my god, you hit me." I honestly had no idea how to process it. I started having a terrible panic attack, crying uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't sleep in the same bed with him after that so I went to the couch. For the first time ever I felt afraid of him.
The real problem that compounded everything for me was his reaction. He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man, because of the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm. I'm 110 lbs, he's about 160lbs, 2 inches taller than I. He responded to that by saying that it's a "person hitting a person," and no one should hit anyone. I know no one should hit anyone, but if anyone shouldn't hit anyone I believe it would lean more to the man. He also had the capability to restrain me, remove himself from the situation, talk to me, etc. before hitting me. He said he didn't know if I was going to do something crazy and hurt myself (so he hit me?).
I know this relationship has problems on my side. Which is why I don't know whether I should be upset about this. I googled the topic of whether it's ok for a man to hit a woman and some people say that it is ok if she hits him. I feel like if I had never hit him in the past, then it would be pretty bad that he hit me. Like I said, I have hit him in the arm before during some depressive meltdowns, and so maybe this is just something I should expect. Although, in this instance, I didn't touch him, I just hit his keyboard.
I am really confused about how to deal with this. It worries me that he may hide his anger until it bursts in physical forms. He says he doesn't like what he did and doesn't know why and he never wants it to happen again, but he always goes on to try to excuse it in a way or diminish it, which worries me. Just today we talked about it again, even after he apologized again, but tried to reason it by saying, "You pounded something, I pounded something." He's been very defensive in all our discussions of it. I often heard people saying if a man hits you once, he'll do it again. I feel that I don't want to leave him though, because I don't think this truly defines his character. I don't know what the appropriate response to this is. How am I supposed to react to what happened? How do I move on from this?
Throwaway email: oiewrp2n2b34@gmail.com
"You pounded something, I pounded something."
This is horrific. You need to get out of this relationship, and find a new place to stay.
posted by sweetkid at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [15 favorites]
This is horrific. You need to get out of this relationship, and find a new place to stay.
posted by sweetkid at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [15 favorites]
While he's right that no one should ever hit anyone else, it's bizarre that he uses this as a defense for him hitting you.
Maybe it doesn't define his character, but so the fuck what? Are you going to stay around to find out? You don't deserve to be hit. You're better than that. It wasn't right that he hit you.
Get out now. Be safe. Figure the rest out later.
posted by inturnaround at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Maybe it doesn't define his character, but so the fuck what? Are you going to stay around to find out? You don't deserve to be hit. You're better than that. It wasn't right that he hit you.
Get out now. Be safe. Figure the rest out later.
posted by inturnaround at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
You need to leave him and probably move home. Don't stay another minute.
posted by clone boulevard at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by clone boulevard at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
One and done.
Leave this guy and don't look back.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Leave this guy and don't look back.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:46 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Leave. Now.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by humboldt32 at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Please leave.
posted by ladygypsy at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by ladygypsy at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
There is no "should" when it comes to emotions. You ARE upset, right? That is how you feel and the internet can't change that.
You are dealing with some heavy stuff and it sounds to me like you no longer feel safe around this guy. How can this get better in the short term? Do you have somewhere else you can go for awhile?
posted by muddgirl at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
You are dealing with some heavy stuff and it sounds to me like you no longer feel safe around this guy. How can this get better in the short term? Do you have somewhere else you can go for awhile?
posted by muddgirl at 9:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
This would be the time to walk away. I know you're hurt and confused right now, but the fact that he hit you and then attempted to justify it is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances. At best, it shows a spineless lack of character, at worst, a future abuser.
posted by Diagonalize at 9:48 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Diagonalize at 9:48 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
...and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me.
So he pretty much has laid out where he draws the line between assaulting you and not assaulting you. He has pretty much told you that he thinks it is okay to do anything short of that.
Get right out of there.
posted by griphus at 9:48 AM on August 8, 2011 [68 favorites]
So he pretty much has laid out where he draws the line between assaulting you and not assaulting you. He has pretty much told you that he thinks it is okay to do anything short of that.
Get right out of there.
posted by griphus at 9:48 AM on August 8, 2011 [68 favorites]
Leave. Then also get help so that you don't feel like lashing out against other people either. Neither his hitting you or you hitting him are acceptable behaviors for adults who should be able to reasonably talk out any problems they have.
posted by bizzyb at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by bizzyb at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
(Keep in mind he qualified the rape part.)
posted by griphus at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [37 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [37 favorites]
There is nothing about this situation which sounds healthy. You are a stranger in a strange land with it seems like your own issues to deal with and someone who just instinctively hit you. This isn't even a remotely acceptable situation to be in and really looks like a situation which will continually get worse as you get more co-dependent.
Leave now.
posted by bitdamaged at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Leave now.
posted by bitdamaged at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
LEAVE!
Look at your situation, you are isolated from family, friends, the life you knew. Yes, by your choice, but even so, you moved to another country --- the country of this man's origins --- where presumably you don't know anyone that isn't connected to him.
This is how abusive relationships begin. The victim is isolated, and then the abuse really starts.
Get out now. Go home if you want. Go to another country you've wanted to visit for awhile. Whatever. But 100% LEAVE!
And call your family and your friends, wherever they are, and let them know what happened.
If you are strapped for cash or an ability to get out, go to the nearest consulate or embassy for your country. Tell them what happened, and odds are they'll more than help you leave the country and help you get home if that's what you need to do.
posted by zizzle at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Look at your situation, you are isolated from family, friends, the life you knew. Yes, by your choice, but even so, you moved to another country --- the country of this man's origins --- where presumably you don't know anyone that isn't connected to him.
This is how abusive relationships begin. The victim is isolated, and then the abuse really starts.
Get out now. Go home if you want. Go to another country you've wanted to visit for awhile. Whatever. But 100% LEAVE!
And call your family and your friends, wherever they are, and let them know what happened.
If you are strapped for cash or an ability to get out, go to the nearest consulate or embassy for your country. Tell them what happened, and odds are they'll more than help you leave the country and help you get home if that's what you need to do.
posted by zizzle at 9:49 AM on August 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Yeah, leave. Honestly he should have either left you or insisted on some kind of therapy for you when you were hitting him previously. Now it's your turn to make the same kind of decision.
posted by empyrean at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by empyrean at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
End the relationship now. Deal with your own issues so you don't resort to violence yourself, and find someone who doesn't use violence in response.
This isn't an issue of misunderstanding where you need to talk it out. Once you involve violence in a relationship, each of you need to deal with your own issues so that you react productively as opposed to using violence to get your way or to seek immediate solution.
posted by icollectpurses at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't an issue of misunderstanding where you need to talk it out. Once you involve violence in a relationship, each of you need to deal with your own issues so that you react productively as opposed to using violence to get your way or to seek immediate solution.
posted by icollectpurses at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, it's time to dump the motherfucker already. The worst part of this isn't even that he hit you - which is bad enough. It's that he sees nothing wrong with it. You've only been dating for nine months. Nine months is right about the time that this sort of thing surfaces. Only, in healthy people, the thing that surfaces is usually bad table manners, not dressing up as much, admissions that they like totally appalling music. Those are the things you work through. Hitting you is not.
posted by katillathehun at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by katillathehun at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
That he diminishes his own actions is a bad sign.
Get out.
posted by rtha at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Get out.
posted by rtha at 9:50 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh and just one thing I have to stress NONE of your issues justifies being hit
posted by bitdamaged at 9:54 AM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by bitdamaged at 9:54 AM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
...and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me.
So he would think it would be OK, presumably, to rape you vaginally? Or if he put you in the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries?
This is chilling. You are in for nothing but mental, physical, and sexual abuse from this man, and he has essentially told you as much. You must leave. Call any family and friends you can to help you get out.
posted by scody at 9:54 AM on August 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
So he would think it would be OK, presumably, to rape you vaginally? Or if he put you in the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries?
This is chilling. You are in for nothing but mental, physical, and sexual abuse from this man, and he has essentially told you as much. You must leave. Call any family and friends you can to help you get out.
posted by scody at 9:54 AM on August 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
"I know this relationship has problems on my side."
Doesn't matter. We each get ONE life. Cut your losses and jump on a bus.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:56 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Doesn't matter. We each get ONE life. Cut your losses and jump on a bus.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:56 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Look, we're all going to advise you to leave. And it's the absolute right answer. But if you need a better reason "why" than that he's been violent toward you, think about what your relationship is like. You're both very unhappy! This is not the right relationship for either of you at this point in your lives. You have things to work through, he has things to work through, and neither of you are going to be able to help each other through these things.
Cut your losses, get out, and go find a way to be happy in your skin. But get out now. These situations don't end well.
posted by clone boulevard at 9:57 AM on August 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Cut your losses, get out, and go find a way to be happy in your skin. But get out now. These situations don't end well.
posted by clone boulevard at 9:57 AM on August 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Leave now.
This is going to sound weird, but it wasn't the hitting you that made me say that. I've known a couple people who suddenly and unexpectedly lashed out at someone physically, in kind of the same way your boyfriend did. It was a flash thing that they'd never done before and the impulse came on them and they did it without thinking. But with all of those people, the second after it happened, they were absolutely and completely horrified at what they'd done, apologized profusely, and were so freaked out about what they'd done that it never happened again, ever, with anyone.
This isn't what happened with your boyfriend. He lashed out -- but then he tried to justify having done it. He didn't get ashamed, he got defensive and said he was justified. Think about that.
Leave now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on August 8, 2011 [83 favorites]
This is going to sound weird, but it wasn't the hitting you that made me say that. I've known a couple people who suddenly and unexpectedly lashed out at someone physically, in kind of the same way your boyfriend did. It was a flash thing that they'd never done before and the impulse came on them and they did it without thinking. But with all of those people, the second after it happened, they were absolutely and completely horrified at what they'd done, apologized profusely, and were so freaked out about what they'd done that it never happened again, ever, with anyone.
This isn't what happened with your boyfriend. He lashed out -- but then he tried to justify having done it. He didn't get ashamed, he got defensive and said he was justified. Think about that.
Leave now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on August 8, 2011 [83 favorites]
Leave.
I'd say maybe forgive him if he was truly apologetic and was trying to make sure it never happened again, but the "not that bad" attitude of his comments makes it entirely unacceptable. It doesn't matter what he DIDNT do, it matters that he hit you in anger and appears to be trying to diminish how bad that was and "could have been worse"!
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:59 AM on August 8, 2011
I'd say maybe forgive him if he was truly apologetic and was trying to make sure it never happened again, but the "not that bad" attitude of his comments makes it entirely unacceptable. It doesn't matter what he DIDNT do, it matters that he hit you in anger and appears to be trying to diminish how bad that was and "could have been worse"!
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:59 AM on August 8, 2011
Count me a vote, possibly the only one, for "You're overreacting." But you still have some serious thinking to do about whether this all is going.
Domestic abuse is a serious thing, but... really? The idea that one partner can do anything he/she likes but when the other partner reacts in kind it constitutes domestic abuse has never, ever made any sense to me, appeals to difference in physical statute be damned. If we want a level moral playing field between the genders, the idea that you can hit him but he can hit you makes no damned sense.
You've started this with "My boyfriend hit me." Strictly speaking, hitting an object a person is holding is just as much an assault as hitting them bodily, so a more accurate description would be "I hit my boyfriend, and he hit me back." Couched that way, the situation is still serious, but it isn't serious in the way you make it out to be. Instead of him abusing you, it's just an unhealthy relationship on both sides.
Which is kind of the problem. There do appear to be serious issues here, on both your parts, so this may just be a trigger for those issues. I really don't think you're justified in dumping this guy under the theory that he's abusing you--he may be, but there aren't any facts currently in evidence to suggest this to be the case--but it may be time to do that anyway.
posted by valkyryn at 10:00 AM on August 8, 2011 [25 favorites]
Domestic abuse is a serious thing, but... really? The idea that one partner can do anything he/she likes but when the other partner reacts in kind it constitutes domestic abuse has never, ever made any sense to me, appeals to difference in physical statute be damned. If we want a level moral playing field between the genders, the idea that you can hit him but he can hit you makes no damned sense.
You've started this with "My boyfriend hit me." Strictly speaking, hitting an object a person is holding is just as much an assault as hitting them bodily, so a more accurate description would be "I hit my boyfriend, and he hit me back." Couched that way, the situation is still serious, but it isn't serious in the way you make it out to be. Instead of him abusing you, it's just an unhealthy relationship on both sides.
Which is kind of the problem. There do appear to be serious issues here, on both your parts, so this may just be a trigger for those issues. I really don't think you're justified in dumping this guy under the theory that he's abusing you--he may be, but there aren't any facts currently in evidence to suggest this to be the case--but it may be time to do that anyway.
posted by valkyryn at 10:00 AM on August 8, 2011 [25 favorites]
you're focusing a lot on potential future risk from this guy. he seems to be minimizing what he did. and his juxtaposition with rape or murder is false. all of them are awful things to do to someone and comparing to "worse" things he could have done is scary, in my opinion, and does not diminish his actions.
in safe healthy relationships, you shouldn't have to think about those things, these types of defenses are not and do not have to be made. you should feel safe, loved and supported by your sweetie.
for some outside of mefi support, you can contact the national domestic violence hotline - talk to someone with training about what happened and then make your own decision about what is right for you now. also, talk to them about HOW to leave if you do. leaving someone who has hurt you/is hurting you can lead to more aggression/risk. you want to plan it with someone who knows what they are doing.
their phone number is: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) if you have concerns about using a computer where he can see website you have visited.
i'm so sorry he hurt you. that is not ok.
posted by anya32 at 10:01 AM on August 8, 2011
in safe healthy relationships, you shouldn't have to think about those things, these types of defenses are not and do not have to be made. you should feel safe, loved and supported by your sweetie.
for some outside of mefi support, you can contact the national domestic violence hotline - talk to someone with training about what happened and then make your own decision about what is right for you now. also, talk to them about HOW to leave if you do. leaving someone who has hurt you/is hurting you can lead to more aggression/risk. you want to plan it with someone who knows what they are doing.
their phone number is: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) if you have concerns about using a computer where he can see website you have visited.
i'm so sorry he hurt you. that is not ok.
posted by anya32 at 10:01 AM on August 8, 2011
Oh, it breaks my heart to read this - it sounds so familiar to how I thought during my abusive relationship. I would say to myself, well, I've slapped his arm, so I'm no better than him, it's the same thing. Or, he just ripped my clothes off, he didn't actually HIT me. Or, he just threw that glass-top table NEAR me, he wasn't aiming at me, it was an accident that I was cut from the glass. Once he did start hitting me, it was always after a fight, so I felt like I contributed to the dynamic. I found it so hard to just say no, this is wrong, and I don't want this. But believe me, my boyfriend absolutely wanted to make me feel that way. Your boyfriend sounds so much like my ex that it is eerie.
But you know, even if you are contributing to an unhealthy dynamic, and even if you need to deal with your own stuff, none of that makes him hitting you right. And putting aside right or wrong, you don't have to even judge that - you don't want to be hit, and that is enough. That is all you need. You can leave, and I would really recommend you leave. My experience is that it just escalates and gets worse - I kept thinking that if I could just find the right way to explain things to him, it would stop, but only getting out stops it.
I have also lived in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone else and I didn't speak the language and I know how stressful and lonely and isolating it is, and how challenging to access services of any kind. Would you be able to have a mod post where you are, in case there are mefites who could help you out? Maybe you could find an expat group or CouchSurfing group just to have other people to interact with? And feel free to MeMail me too if you want someone to talk to. You don't need to go through this alone.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 10:02 AM on August 8, 2011 [9 favorites]
But you know, even if you are contributing to an unhealthy dynamic, and even if you need to deal with your own stuff, none of that makes him hitting you right. And putting aside right or wrong, you don't have to even judge that - you don't want to be hit, and that is enough. That is all you need. You can leave, and I would really recommend you leave. My experience is that it just escalates and gets worse - I kept thinking that if I could just find the right way to explain things to him, it would stop, but only getting out stops it.
I have also lived in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone else and I didn't speak the language and I know how stressful and lonely and isolating it is, and how challenging to access services of any kind. Would you be able to have a mod post where you are, in case there are mefites who could help you out? Maybe you could find an expat group or CouchSurfing group just to have other people to interact with? And feel free to MeMail me too if you want someone to talk to. You don't need to go through this alone.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 10:02 AM on August 8, 2011 [9 favorites]
"hitting an object a person is holding is just as much an assault as hitting them bodily"
No it isn't. And I wouldnt say he was "holding" his keyboard. Not at all the same thing
posted by stillnocturnal at 10:02 AM on August 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
No it isn't. And I wouldnt say he was "holding" his keyboard. Not at all the same thing
posted by stillnocturnal at 10:02 AM on August 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
You've both been behaving badly in this relationship, and you are doing quite a bit of justifying and minimizing of your own -- you weigh less, you're female, etc. But it really doesn't matter who's more at fault; your behavior doesn't justify his, and vice-versa. Your relationship is headed in a really bad direction, and the chances of a course correction in this situation -- isolated, fearful, with no access to professional help -- are very slim. End it and get back to where you can get the help and support you need.
posted by jon1270 at 10:03 AM on August 8, 2011 [32 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 10:03 AM on August 8, 2011 [32 favorites]
I'd also like to emphasize his own words: "You pounded something. I pounded something."
Do you know what that means? It means you're a thing to him. It means he sees no difference between you and the piece of plastic that is his keyboard.
You are not a thing, Anonymous. It's important that you remember that about yourself. You're a person with feelings who can't be replaced, and you need to be respected as such. Whatever flaws you feel you may have, none of them made you deserve what he did to you nor his horrifying attitude about it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:06 AM on August 8, 2011 [13 favorites]
Do you know what that means? It means you're a thing to him. It means he sees no difference between you and the piece of plastic that is his keyboard.
You are not a thing, Anonymous. It's important that you remember that about yourself. You're a person with feelings who can't be replaced, and you need to be respected as such. Whatever flaws you feel you may have, none of them made you deserve what he did to you nor his horrifying attitude about it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:06 AM on August 8, 2011 [13 favorites]
Aside from who did what to whom and whether it's justified or moral or legal, I have just one question for you:
Do you want to be treated this way in a relationship? Yes or no?
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do you want to be treated this way in a relationship? Yes or no?
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
In my opinion, the problem is not the hitting per se, but what appears to me like frequent, heated arguments and lack of open communication -- it's difficult to have a healthy relationship when this kind of reactionary state is the norm.
(Kind of like the reactionary state prompted in the majority of commenters, I might add.)
posted by trevyn at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
(Kind of like the reactionary state prompted in the majority of commenters, I might add.)
posted by trevyn at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Your boyfriend is right- it is NOT OK for you to hit him. Not ever.
You are right- it is NOT OK for him to hit you. Not ever.
The two of you need to quit fucking around and get some real help if you want to make this thing work. Your relationship sounds highly dysfunctional. If you don't want to do that, you should consider ending it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [40 favorites]
You are right- it is NOT OK for him to hit you. Not ever.
The two of you need to quit fucking around and get some real help if you want to make this thing work. Your relationship sounds highly dysfunctional. If you don't want to do that, you should consider ending it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:07 AM on August 8, 2011 [40 favorites]
Short answer: DTMFA. He's trying to justify and minimize his behavior which is worrisome. It's difficult to believe there aren't other indicia of domestic violence in this relationship, like destruction of your personal property, isolation of you from friends and family, etc.
You also indicate that you have struck him in the past, which you also minimized. Your history, including your own use of violence, suggests you're already riding the domestic violence cycle. It also suggests that this relationship has rather a lot of volatility and the potential for far more serious violence in the future. Given the disparity in your size (and probably strength), you will almost certainly be on the losing end of this. Get off the wheel, and get counseling.
posted by Hylas at 10:08 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
You also indicate that you have struck him in the past, which you also minimized. Your history, including your own use of violence, suggests you're already riding the domestic violence cycle. It also suggests that this relationship has rather a lot of volatility and the potential for far more serious violence in the future. Given the disparity in your size (and probably strength), you will almost certainly be on the losing end of this. Get off the wheel, and get counseling.
posted by Hylas at 10:08 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Defending and justifying hitting you? That's the true measure of his character. How can things possibly get better from that?
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 10:09 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 10:09 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
The only possible good ending to this relationship is you leaving now.
posted by freshwater at 10:10 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by freshwater at 10:10 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
....Oh, I missed that you hit him too.
I still say leave now. I...did the same thing when I was in this really hideous relationship, and then he hit me back one day. and that was finally the wakeup call I needed that "no one should be hitting ANYBODY here, and I should never have done so in the first place, and there's only one way to fix it" and that's when I broke things up with him.
Do NOT let him lay a guilt trip on you for having hit him. I'd get some help for yourself with that, for YOU, but as for the fact that you hit him, I'd chalk that up to a big huge red flag that something in the combination of you and him is just bringing out the worst in each other, and that alone is a sign that you need to get out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:11 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I still say leave now. I...did the same thing when I was in this really hideous relationship, and then he hit me back one day. and that was finally the wakeup call I needed that "no one should be hitting ANYBODY here, and I should never have done so in the first place, and there's only one way to fix it" and that's when I broke things up with him.
Do NOT let him lay a guilt trip on you for having hit him. I'd get some help for yourself with that, for YOU, but as for the fact that you hit him, I'd chalk that up to a big huge red flag that something in the combination of you and him is just bringing out the worst in each other, and that alone is a sign that you need to get out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:11 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
You sound like you're trying to make sense of what happened. Like, if you could just explain it to him in a way that he got it, you'd know what to do next; if you could just figure out why his view on it was so bizarrely unapologetic, you'd know what to do next; if you could figure out exactly how bad you should feel for ever hitting him, you'd know what to do next. But you can't do anything now, because the whole thing's confused you too much.
I don't blame you. It is confusing. I've been in the position of having a boyfriend hit me out of the blue, years and years ago, and even now I can remember that "what the hell just happened?" feeling. You feel like your feet have been knocked right out from under you and you don't know where to even start thinking about what to do next.
Here's what I wish I'd known at the time: you don't have to Figure It Out. You have all the information you need to make the decision you need to make. (Hell, you have more than enough information - he's already outright told you he doesn't think hitting you hard in the back was that big a deal.) You don't have to get him to sign off on that decision, you don't need to rearrange the world in your head so that this makes sense to you. You can just leave. Just leave.
As for you hitting him: yes, that is absolutely not okay, and you know that. But it doesn't make what he did any less bad. It's not as if there's only so much responsibility to go around, and you being responsible for what you do makes him less responsible for what he does. That's not how it works.
(Also, don't fall into the trap of thinking it's only an abusive relationship if it looks like some TV movie of evil male brute punching helpless passive female victim. Abuse happens in all forms, in all kinds of relationships, and sometimes it's reciprocal, and often it's in the context of yelling screaming fights where both people are doing the yelling and the screaming. Still abuse. Still bad. Still time to leave.)
posted by Catseye at 10:12 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't blame you. It is confusing. I've been in the position of having a boyfriend hit me out of the blue, years and years ago, and even now I can remember that "what the hell just happened?" feeling. You feel like your feet have been knocked right out from under you and you don't know where to even start thinking about what to do next.
Here's what I wish I'd known at the time: you don't have to Figure It Out. You have all the information you need to make the decision you need to make. (Hell, you have more than enough information - he's already outright told you he doesn't think hitting you hard in the back was that big a deal.) You don't have to get him to sign off on that decision, you don't need to rearrange the world in your head so that this makes sense to you. You can just leave. Just leave.
As for you hitting him: yes, that is absolutely not okay, and you know that. But it doesn't make what he did any less bad. It's not as if there's only so much responsibility to go around, and you being responsible for what you do makes him less responsible for what he does. That's not how it works.
(Also, don't fall into the trap of thinking it's only an abusive relationship if it looks like some TV movie of evil male brute punching helpless passive female victim. Abuse happens in all forms, in all kinds of relationships, and sometimes it's reciprocal, and often it's in the context of yelling screaming fights where both people are doing the yelling and the screaming. Still abuse. Still bad. Still time to leave.)
posted by Catseye at 10:12 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Regardless of blame in the situation, this sounds like a dysfunctional relationship at best. Breaking it off might be the best solution. And if you feel you are in danger, definitely break it off immediately.
That having been said, there seems to be questionable behavior on both sides of this one. If you choose to continue the relationship, I'd suggest sitting down and having a conversation where you both agree to a new ground rule that hitting is never OK in any situation. Hitting inanimate objects during arguments is not ever OK, and hitting each other is not ever OK. By either one of you.
posted by festivus at 10:13 AM on August 8, 2011
That having been said, there seems to be questionable behavior on both sides of this one. If you choose to continue the relationship, I'd suggest sitting down and having a conversation where you both agree to a new ground rule that hitting is never OK in any situation. Hitting inanimate objects during arguments is not ever OK, and hitting each other is not ever OK. By either one of you.
posted by festivus at 10:13 AM on August 8, 2011
For those of you saying that she has hit him in the past as well -- I don't really think it's the hitting per se that's the problem. His justifications and rationalizations are by far the most disturbing part of this question.
He said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me.
I'm just trying to imagine my own boyfriend or father saying that. I honestly can't even imagine their mouths forming the words. It just shows a fundamental lack of respect. Don't try to keep score about who hit whom when and how hard. This is just not a healthy relationship. You should get out now and you'll feel much much better when you do (not immediately, say a year from now).
posted by peacheater at 10:14 AM on August 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
He said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me.
I'm just trying to imagine my own boyfriend or father saying that. I honestly can't even imagine their mouths forming the words. It just shows a fundamental lack of respect. Don't try to keep score about who hit whom when and how hard. This is just not a healthy relationship. You should get out now and you'll feel much much better when you do (not immediately, say a year from now).
posted by peacheater at 10:14 AM on August 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
You two each have your own issues and you are toxic together. Leave him now and go back to your own country or wherever you need to go to get access to affordable counselling.
I'd recommend further that you don't get involved with anyone else until you've stabilized your own behaviour. I'm really, really concerned about the fact that you have been hitting your boyfriend prior to this and you don't seem to be taking full responsibility for it. It is just as wrong for you to hit him as it is for him to hit you.
posted by orange swan at 10:17 AM on August 8, 2011 [20 favorites]
I'd recommend further that you don't get involved with anyone else until you've stabilized your own behaviour. I'm really, really concerned about the fact that you have been hitting your boyfriend prior to this and you don't seem to be taking full responsibility for it. It is just as wrong for you to hit him as it is for him to hit you.
posted by orange swan at 10:17 AM on August 8, 2011 [20 favorites]
You could have written this without the hitting as a catalyst for making a decision, and you'd still likely have a whole lotta "LEAVE" responses. There was already trouble and violence in your unbalanced relationship that needed to be attended to. You're a prime candidate to be part of this cycle not just now but again and again, and you need to see to yourself. Your relationship reads like a pot that just boiled over.
posted by peagood at 10:17 AM on August 8, 2011
posted by peagood at 10:17 AM on August 8, 2011
Anonymous, if you are not in the USA, and unable/unwilling to return to your home country immediately, can you tell one of the mods what city you are in (or near) so we can try to find some local resources for you?
You are worthy of love, and care, and complete, unquestionable safety.
posted by argonauta at 10:18 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are worthy of love, and care, and complete, unquestionable safety.
posted by argonauta at 10:18 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: folks, you know the drill, don't call people names, be constructive or keep on walking, thank you
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I really don't think you're justified in dumping this guy under the theory that he's abusing you--he may be, but there aren't any facts currently in evidence to suggest this to be the case--but it may be time to do that anyway
Here's the thing, valkyryn: the downside consequence of leaving is not that large-- the OP loses a relationship which could possibly be salvaged (or replaced with someone else) later. The downside risk of staying is very bad-- the violence could escalate and the OP could find herself with more serious problems.
Leaving in these cases is never the wrong decision: the potential downside of staying is to risky.
The OP should leave first and reflect on her personal issues afterwards.
posted by deanc at 10:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's the thing, valkyryn: the downside consequence of leaving is not that large-- the OP loses a relationship which could possibly be salvaged (or replaced with someone else) later. The downside risk of staying is very bad-- the violence could escalate and the OP could find herself with more serious problems.
Leaving in these cases is never the wrong decision: the potential downside of staying is to risky.
The OP should leave first and reflect on her personal issues afterwards.
posted by deanc at 10:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man, because of the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm.
Wrong. Fix this immediately upon leaving immediately.
posted by resurrexit at 10:23 AM on August 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
Wrong. Fix this immediately upon leaving immediately.
posted by resurrexit at 10:23 AM on August 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
Having hit someone in the past does not mean you deserve to be hit now. The past hitting is immaterial. You must not ever hit anyone ever again, of course, but this is a question about you being hit last night. It was completely wrong and appalling that you were hit last night. You do not deserve to be hit. You are not safe with this person and you should leave him.
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:25 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:25 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you hit each other during arguments, it's probably best for both of you to move on.
posted by BurntHombre at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by BurntHombre at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Get out. Go someplace safe. If that means calling your family and friends back home to get you some money for a plane ticket back home, then do it. The longer you stay, the harder you'll find it to leave.
Hitting is never, ever acceptable.
posted by Solomon at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2011
Hitting is never, ever acceptable.
posted by Solomon at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2011
My boyfriend hit me. How I should react to this?
You should react by leaving him as soon as you can, and limiting your contact with him. Lots of women commence relationships with men who seem more or less alright at first and wind up being monstrous abusers; the switch from one to the other often occurs at this point, after the first time he hits you. There's a precedent now. Nobody can know what will happen, of course, because prognostication is impossible, but nobody who hits you in anger is worth sticking around with on the statistically-improbable chance that this will be a complete anomaly.
In other words: GET OUT NOW!
First I want to give some background for perspective:
Resist the powerful impulses you're feeling to provide perspective on this incident. Resist the powerful confusion that's taking hold of you: you need to see things as they are now, not in terms of what your relationship was like up until this point. I know that giving background and perspective feels like an important thing to do, but you simply can't afford to be that generous to him right now. He's shown that he IS NOT the person you thought he was. He's proven that to you.
When you hit an intimate partner, you forever and irrevocably change the nature of the relationship. Your boyfriend crossed a very important line. You're in self-protection mode now. Take care of yourself, because, tragically, your boyfriend has proven to you that he is not your partner. He is your enemy because he declared war on your dignity and humanity.
Again: get out of this ASAP. Your health and well-being are at stake and there's only one person in this relationship you can trust. It isn't him.
posted by clockzero at 10:28 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
You should react by leaving him as soon as you can, and limiting your contact with him. Lots of women commence relationships with men who seem more or less alright at first and wind up being monstrous abusers; the switch from one to the other often occurs at this point, after the first time he hits you. There's a precedent now. Nobody can know what will happen, of course, because prognostication is impossible, but nobody who hits you in anger is worth sticking around with on the statistically-improbable chance that this will be a complete anomaly.
In other words: GET OUT NOW!
First I want to give some background for perspective:
Resist the powerful impulses you're feeling to provide perspective on this incident. Resist the powerful confusion that's taking hold of you: you need to see things as they are now, not in terms of what your relationship was like up until this point. I know that giving background and perspective feels like an important thing to do, but you simply can't afford to be that generous to him right now. He's shown that he IS NOT the person you thought he was. He's proven that to you.
When you hit an intimate partner, you forever and irrevocably change the nature of the relationship. Your boyfriend crossed a very important line. You're in self-protection mode now. Take care of yourself, because, tragically, your boyfriend has proven to you that he is not your partner. He is your enemy because he declared war on your dignity and humanity.
Again: get out of this ASAP. Your health and well-being are at stake and there's only one person in this relationship you can trust. It isn't him.
posted by clockzero at 10:28 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
He said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me.
That is an absolutely unutterably horrifying thing to say, and as everyone has said, you need to leave yesterday.
I have hit him in the arm before during some depressive meltdowns, and so maybe this is just something I should expect
The fact that you hit him is a sign that you two don't belong in a relationship together.
It is not a sign that you should buckle up for an ongoing ride of escalating abuse.
Good relationships bring out the best in both parties.
posted by emilyw at 10:31 AM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
That is an absolutely unutterably horrifying thing to say, and as everyone has said, you need to leave yesterday.
I have hit him in the arm before during some depressive meltdowns, and so maybe this is just something I should expect
The fact that you hit him is a sign that you two don't belong in a relationship together.
It is not a sign that you should buckle up for an ongoing ride of escalating abuse.
Good relationships bring out the best in both parties.
posted by emilyw at 10:31 AM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns. I know this is 100% wrong and I'm not excusing my behavior at all.
He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. [...] "You pounded something, I pounded something."
Do you see the difference?
A relationship where there's any kind of physical violence (i.e., a relationship like the one you had up to yesterday, one in which you occasionally hit your boyfriend) should probably end, but if the violent partner realizes how deeply wrong the behavior is and takes steps to address and prevent it, I don't think it's a black and white situation. However, a relationship where there's physical violence and the violent partner excuses or justifies his or her violent behavior is a clearly dangerous situation that should end immediately.
This relationship is problematic to begin with if being together means your being in an environment where you can't get treatment for your PTSD, and if your relationship includes behavior on your part like hitting him during episodes of mental illness and aggressively getting in his space when you disagree (such as slapping the keyboard). But those are mostly red flags, albeit serious ones. The event you describe, his hitting you and then justifying his action repeatedly, is not a warning flag but a clear signal that this relationship must end--for your mental health, for your safety, and for his own good.
The two of you may enjoy each other's company, but you're clearly, clearly not good for each other, and can't function together in a relationship. You're in danger if you stay. End the relationship and get yourself the mental health treatment you need.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:33 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. [...] "You pounded something, I pounded something."
Do you see the difference?
A relationship where there's any kind of physical violence (i.e., a relationship like the one you had up to yesterday, one in which you occasionally hit your boyfriend) should probably end, but if the violent partner realizes how deeply wrong the behavior is and takes steps to address and prevent it, I don't think it's a black and white situation. However, a relationship where there's physical violence and the violent partner excuses or justifies his or her violent behavior is a clearly dangerous situation that should end immediately.
This relationship is problematic to begin with if being together means your being in an environment where you can't get treatment for your PTSD, and if your relationship includes behavior on your part like hitting him during episodes of mental illness and aggressively getting in his space when you disagree (such as slapping the keyboard). But those are mostly red flags, albeit serious ones. The event you describe, his hitting you and then justifying his action repeatedly, is not a warning flag but a clear signal that this relationship must end--for your mental health, for your safety, and for his own good.
The two of you may enjoy each other's company, but you're clearly, clearly not good for each other, and can't function together in a relationship. You're in danger if you stay. End the relationship and get yourself the mental health treatment you need.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:33 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Time to get out.
Please contact the mods so that we can help in any way possible.
posted by DWRoelands at 10:34 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please contact the mods so that we can help in any way possible.
posted by DWRoelands at 10:34 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
No matter what inanimate object you strike, it does not justify him striking you.
I'd move out.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:47 AM on August 8, 2011
I'd move out.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:47 AM on August 8, 2011
The thing that gets me here, that I think is being missed by many, is that while his behavior is awful and not excusable, um, he doesn't seem to have hit you any harder than you've hit him, and you've done it multiple times. Hitting is not okay FOR ANYBODY and that includes hitting people who are somewhat bigger than you are or who you perceive "could have stopped you" if they'd really wanted to. You say you're not trying to excuse your behavior at all, but then you immediately start into why it was really not as bad as his behavior and that he really wasn't harmed by it and it's more okay if women do it and and and. These are excuses. Domestic violence can and does occur against men by women.
You either both need therapy, or you both need to not be together (and you should still get help for yourself). His justifications are ugly and awful, and so are yours. I don't think this is a "leave immediately" situation if you don't want it to be, because if you are capable of improvement, then so is he. But if you aren't both interested in fixing your attitudes and behavior forever so that this never happens again in either direction... then get out. You can get better, with help, even if he doesn't want to, but you will need help for this.
Neither of you deserves to get hit. Nobody does.
posted by gracedissolved at 10:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
You either both need therapy, or you both need to not be together (and you should still get help for yourself). His justifications are ugly and awful, and so are yours. I don't think this is a "leave immediately" situation if you don't want it to be, because if you are capable of improvement, then so is he. But if you aren't both interested in fixing your attitudes and behavior forever so that this never happens again in either direction... then get out. You can get better, with help, even if he doesn't want to, but you will need help for this.
Neither of you deserves to get hit. Nobody does.
posted by gracedissolved at 10:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
Yes, end the relationship post haste.
Obviously, that's the chorus of answers here. But you need specific advice on how to do that because you're in a foreign country. Check in with your native embassy asap. Also, please send an update about where you are and where you're from so we can give you more specific advice.
It's hard enough to think clearly in a situation like this, especially when it's layered with travel and lack of friends or family to support you.
And as for therapy, I mean I think you'd benefit but honestly I don't see your boyfriend even taking the suggestion seriously, since he doesn't think there's anything wrong with punching you in the back and the justifying it all night.
posted by motsque at 10:53 AM on August 8, 2011
Obviously, that's the chorus of answers here. But you need specific advice on how to do that because you're in a foreign country. Check in with your native embassy asap. Also, please send an update about where you are and where you're from so we can give you more specific advice.
It's hard enough to think clearly in a situation like this, especially when it's layered with travel and lack of friends or family to support you.
And as for therapy, I mean I think you'd benefit but honestly I don't see your boyfriend even taking the suggestion seriously, since he doesn't think there's anything wrong with punching you in the back and the justifying it all night.
posted by motsque at 10:53 AM on August 8, 2011
My perception of being hit on the back is that it isn't something people do to hurt each other. If someone did hit my back hard enough to hurt I'd probably tell them "Hey watch it, that hurt!"
But that's me, and you're you.
My guess is that the guy had no intention of hurting you, and felt defensive when you pointed out that he hit you, and said stupid things partly because it was 3 a.m. You could try having a rational discussion with him about it later on. That's what I would do.
posted by Net Prophet at 10:58 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
But that's me, and you're you.
My guess is that the guy had no intention of hurting you, and felt defensive when you pointed out that he hit you, and said stupid things partly because it was 3 a.m. You could try having a rational discussion with him about it later on. That's what I would do.
posted by Net Prophet at 10:58 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
"if you are capable of improvement, then so is he." But she can only have control over her own actions and by leaving him she removes herself from a situation where she is hitting someone and where they are hitting her.
She can't control how he acts and now that she knows that he is capable and willing of hitting her she should get out. The reason why you leave someone is less important than that you do it when the relationship is falling.
I really hope anonymous that you disregard the parts of this discussion about which of you is worse etc. and focus on the fact that this relationship is not working. Leave him because the dynamic is bad for you and because hitting is never acceptable from either party and neither is justifying it. You need to remove yourself from a situation that makes you want to hit people and leave because he feels its ok to hit you.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 10:59 AM on August 8, 2011
She can't control how he acts and now that she knows that he is capable and willing of hitting her she should get out. The reason why you leave someone is less important than that you do it when the relationship is falling.
I really hope anonymous that you disregard the parts of this discussion about which of you is worse etc. and focus on the fact that this relationship is not working. Leave him because the dynamic is bad for you and because hitting is never acceptable from either party and neither is justifying it. You need to remove yourself from a situation that makes you want to hit people and leave because he feels its ok to hit you.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 10:59 AM on August 8, 2011
I googled the topic of whether it's ok for a man to hit a woman and some people say that it is ok if she hits him.
If she hits him WITH A SHOVEL, then it's okay for him to hit her.
Please leave your attacker immediately. Even more worrisome than the fact that he attacked you is the fact that he's now trying to skew your sense of what's normal. A few weeks from now, after he is a distant memory, you will shake your head to think that it seemed remotely plausible that you ought to stay in this situation.
posted by foursentences at 11:11 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
If she hits him WITH A SHOVEL, then it's okay for him to hit her.
Please leave your attacker immediately. Even more worrisome than the fact that he attacked you is the fact that he's now trying to skew your sense of what's normal. A few weeks from now, after he is a distant memory, you will shake your head to think that it seemed remotely plausible that you ought to stay in this situation.
posted by foursentences at 11:11 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seconding gracedissolved above. Get yourself out of this relationship, and get yourself into therapy so that you can put a stop your own violent behavior. Hitting isn't okay for anyone, and it concerns me that there are so many lines in your post about how it's different and more acceptable if women are the ones doing the hitting. It's not, really. Maybe you can't physically hurt him as easily as he can hurt you, but you CAN hurt him, and it's not okay, and it sets a weird and potentially dangerous precedent in your relationship to establish physical violence as a routine way of acting out frustration.
posted by something something at 11:12 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by something something at 11:12 AM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
As a guy - it always blows me away how many women even think twice about leaving once they have been hit. Two of my friends - both of whom are whiplash smart, strong, wonderful people, got caught in terrible abusive relationships (one of which almost ended in the death of my friend).
There is no justifying or thinking through that needs to be done. Let me tell you as a guy, there are no complicated thoughts or layers of meaning when a guy hits someone. It is simple out of control boiling anger and hate. That's fucking it.
Get yourself away from that asshole. Now. The fact that you are isolated and have no support system is a classic abusive tactic - and it probably frees him up to act out is worst impulses. Dude is totally and utterly beneath you. Move on - you deserve better.
posted by helmutdog at 11:18 AM on August 8, 2011
There is no justifying or thinking through that needs to be done. Let me tell you as a guy, there are no complicated thoughts or layers of meaning when a guy hits someone. It is simple out of control boiling anger and hate. That's fucking it.
Get yourself away from that asshole. Now. The fact that you are isolated and have no support system is a classic abusive tactic - and it probably frees him up to act out is worst impulses. Dude is totally and utterly beneath you. Move on - you deserve better.
posted by helmutdog at 11:18 AM on August 8, 2011
Oh honey. I'm sorry to hear that you're in a position where this is a question for you, because I was you three weeks ago.
I left. It was scary. Please leave. You can have the police/local law enforcement stand by while you remove your possessions from the home. I can't speak highly enough of the peace of mind that provided me.
One time is more than enough. And I agree with the point above that he equated you to a thing. You are loved and you are lovable. Go be with the people who treasure and care for you. Be good to yourself.
And email me if you want.
posted by bilabial at 11:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I left. It was scary. Please leave. You can have the police/local law enforcement stand by while you remove your possessions from the home. I can't speak highly enough of the peace of mind that provided me.
One time is more than enough. And I agree with the point above that he equated you to a thing. You are loved and you are lovable. Go be with the people who treasure and care for you. Be good to yourself.
And email me if you want.
posted by bilabial at 11:20 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: folks - this is not the place to start arguments. Answer the question. Direct your answers to the OP. Go to MetaTalk if you can't follow those rules.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:21 AM on August 8, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:21 AM on August 8, 2011
It's clear to me that you bring out the worst in each other. I think for women, hitting a boyfriend, especially on the arm when already upset, can be a cry for attention, a plea to listen more. This would also fit in with the TV thing- you hit his keyboard because he was ignoring you. HITTING IS NEVER OKAY NO MATTER THE GENDERS INVOLVED. I'm just explaining some of the psychology behind it. I think for him, it was probably reflexive anger. He swatted you like an annoying gnat that was disturbing him. And then he showed absolutely no remorse and blamed you for provoking him.
If this rings any bells with you, please understand that your relationship was already doomed pre-hitting. He doesn't listen to you and finds you a nuissance. You're desperate for him to react to you like a person, and he never, ever will. Get out.
posted by Nixy at 11:22 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
If this rings any bells with you, please understand that your relationship was already doomed pre-hitting. He doesn't listen to you and finds you a nuissance. You're desperate for him to react to you like a person, and he never, ever will. Get out.
posted by Nixy at 11:22 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Leaving is an option, and, in all likelihood, the best one. Knowing your abusive background, he nonetheless tried to justify his violence, and with a series of defensive arguments that should embarrass him.
You may choose to give him another chance. A lot of people on this site would oppose it, with good reason. A lot of people have "touch me once, it's over" policies, with good reason. I am among them.
However, if you choose to give him a second chance, you must absolutely lay down the law. He is never to touch you again. He must explain to you why what he did was wrong, and demonstrate that he understands it, and that he is remorseful. Failing that, the likelihood of him repeating the action is much higher.
If you choose to remain, have a backup plan ready. Know where you can go on a moment's notice. Have money you can access that he can't. Have a support network.
And, if you choose to give him a second chance, you must never, ever hit him again either.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:25 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
You may choose to give him another chance. A lot of people on this site would oppose it, with good reason. A lot of people have "touch me once, it's over" policies, with good reason. I am among them.
However, if you choose to give him a second chance, you must absolutely lay down the law. He is never to touch you again. He must explain to you why what he did was wrong, and demonstrate that he understands it, and that he is remorseful. Failing that, the likelihood of him repeating the action is much higher.
If you choose to remain, have a backup plan ready. Know where you can go on a moment's notice. Have money you can access that he can't. Have a support network.
And, if you choose to give him a second chance, you must never, ever hit him again either.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:25 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Again, if you want to talk about moderation, go to Metatalk and do it there. This is not the place to do it.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:33 AM on August 8, 2011
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:33 AM on August 8, 2011
Leave.
Your boyfriend shouldn't have hit you, and his attempts to rationalize that he did are ungainly and embarrassing. But your attempt to explain away your own history of violence with this man under the guise of mental illness are equally gross and unfounded.
Your assumption that it's OK for a woman to hit a man, but not OK for a man to hit a woman, is both sexist and a bit misguided. My wife is 40lbs. smaller than I am, but if she hit me I'd start packing my things. It has nothing to do with "the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm," and everything to do with respect. If a person hits me, they don't respect me, and I respect myself enough to know that I don't have to put up with that shit.
It's immaterial that 'you hit him first'. The fact that anyone is hitting anyone is sign enough that things aren't working properly.
Leave because neither of you are doing anything healthy for the other one. Leave because you both have issues to resolve before either one of you is prepared to be involved in a healthy, adult relationship. Leave because you deserve better, and so does he.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:34 AM on August 8, 2011 [16 favorites]
Your boyfriend shouldn't have hit you, and his attempts to rationalize that he did are ungainly and embarrassing. But your attempt to explain away your own history of violence with this man under the guise of mental illness are equally gross and unfounded.
Your assumption that it's OK for a woman to hit a man, but not OK for a man to hit a woman, is both sexist and a bit misguided. My wife is 40lbs. smaller than I am, but if she hit me I'd start packing my things. It has nothing to do with "the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm," and everything to do with respect. If a person hits me, they don't respect me, and I respect myself enough to know that I don't have to put up with that shit.
It's immaterial that 'you hit him first'. The fact that anyone is hitting anyone is sign enough that things aren't working properly.
Leave because neither of you are doing anything healthy for the other one. Leave because you both have issues to resolve before either one of you is prepared to be involved in a healthy, adult relationship. Leave because you deserve better, and so does he.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:34 AM on August 8, 2011 [16 favorites]
Well, I am going to go against the grain of all the vitriol in this thread. You have hit him many times, and never posted a AskMe about it, and now he hits you once, and it's a DTMF moment? I'm sorry, but I don't agree.
And yes, your violence toward him was just as bad as his toward you. You don't ever hit the one you love. You also don't put on hissy-fits, smack keyboards, or any number of other things that couples do.
He was wrong. You were wrong. You can work through this together, or you can break up. But it's not fair to label him the 'bad guy', since you were at least an equal instigator in this whole thing.
posted by eas98 at 11:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
And yes, your violence toward him was just as bad as his toward you. You don't ever hit the one you love. You also don't put on hissy-fits, smack keyboards, or any number of other things that couples do.
He was wrong. You were wrong. You can work through this together, or you can break up. But it's not fair to label him the 'bad guy', since you were at least an equal instigator in this whole thing.
posted by eas98 at 11:47 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
But it's not fair to label him the 'bad guy', since you were at least an equal instigator in this whole thing.
Whether or not this is true, it's irrelevant to the question of how the relationship should proceed, the answer being, it should not.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:05 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Whether or not this is true, it's irrelevant to the question of how the relationship should proceed, the answer being, it should not.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:05 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
it's irrelevant to the question of how the relationship should proceed
It is relevant to the question of "Is it that really bad?"
posted by Dano St at 12:07 PM on August 8, 2011
It is relevant to the question of "Is it that really bad?"
posted by Dano St at 12:07 PM on August 8, 2011
Well, I am going to go against the grain of all the vitriol in this thread. You have hit him many times, and never posted a AskMe about it, and now he hits you once, and it's a DTMF moment? I'm sorry, but I don't agree.
So she's in a violent relationship, but she should stay because it's actually been violent for a while?
I mean, I agree there's no need to call him the bad guy, but the facts remain.
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:07 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
So she's in a violent relationship, but she should stay because it's actually been violent for a while?
I mean, I agree there's no need to call him the bad guy, but the facts remain.
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:07 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
How have you responded when you hit your boyfriend? Are you instantly apologetic, or do you excuse yourself because you're smaller, and femaler, and depressed?
I think you should leave. I think you should leave because you hit each other, because at least one of you minimises it, because this sounds like a bad spiral. If you don't break up, I think you need serious couples counselling.
posted by jeather at 12:10 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should leave. I think you should leave because you hit each other, because at least one of you minimises it, because this sounds like a bad spiral. If you don't break up, I think you need serious couples counselling.
posted by jeather at 12:10 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns. I know this is 100% wrong and I'm not excusing my behavior at all.
He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. [...] "You pounded something, I pounded something."
Do you see the difference?
Meg_Murry I think you are totally backwards on what the key difference there is. You seem to think she has taken responsibility for her action but the phrase that jumps out at me is "a few times".
If she really made one mistake and then took responsibility for it it would never have happened a few times. It would have happened once, and only once. As the original violent partner she clearly hasn't "realized how deeply wrong the behavior is and takes steps to address and prevent it" or else A.) she wouldn't have let it happen repeatedly, and B.) wouldn't be excusing her behavior like this:
"I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man, because of the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm. I'm 110 lbs, he's about 160lbs, 2 inches taller than I."
I think she has established that hitting your partner is an acceptable means of expressing yourself in this relationship, he has learned that lesson and in time responded in kind.
But back to addressing Anonymous:
I think he should have left you the first time you hit him.
That didn't happen, so now I think you should leave him after the first time he hit you.
posted by Jezztek at 12:13 PM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
He didn't seem to think what he did was such a big deal. He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it by saying he only hit me on the back, made a light slapping motion trying to diminish the force of his hit, and said it wasn't like he raped me anally or tried to kill me. [...] "You pounded something, I pounded something."
Do you see the difference?
Meg_Murry I think you are totally backwards on what the key difference there is. You seem to think she has taken responsibility for her action but the phrase that jumps out at me is "a few times".
If she really made one mistake and then took responsibility for it it would never have happened a few times. It would have happened once, and only once. As the original violent partner she clearly hasn't "realized how deeply wrong the behavior is and takes steps to address and prevent it" or else A.) she wouldn't have let it happen repeatedly, and B.) wouldn't be excusing her behavior like this:
"I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man, because of the strength and capability of a man to inflict serious harm. I'm 110 lbs, he's about 160lbs, 2 inches taller than I."
I think she has established that hitting your partner is an acceptable means of expressing yourself in this relationship, he has learned that lesson and in time responded in kind.
But back to addressing Anonymous:
I think he should have left you the first time you hit him.
That didn't happen, so now I think you should leave him after the first time he hit you.
posted by Jezztek at 12:13 PM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
Based on the fact that you get violent during arguements, it really sounds like you need some time apart. This could be some abusive or co-dependant relationship or you could just be around eachother way too much and frying your nerves, but either way, things should not escalate to hitting objects or people to get attention or make a point.
I'm not going to tell you to dump your guy, but i'd definitely leave and stay out and limit contact for a week or so and revisit how you feel about the episode and your relationship as a whole. Sometimes you need to be outside to see inside.
His comments about anal rape and killing you are worrisome to me specifically because I had a guy hit me once (admittedly after I hit him) and when he hit me I kicked him out of the house. He later told me that he felt terrible about what happened, that he felt like what he did was as bad as rape. (We have both moved on romantically and reformed our ways and are much better for it.)
posted by WeekendJen at 12:21 PM on August 8, 2011
I'm not going to tell you to dump your guy, but i'd definitely leave and stay out and limit contact for a week or so and revisit how you feel about the episode and your relationship as a whole. Sometimes you need to be outside to see inside.
His comments about anal rape and killing you are worrisome to me specifically because I had a guy hit me once (admittedly after I hit him) and when he hit me I kicked him out of the house. He later told me that he felt terrible about what happened, that he felt like what he did was as bad as rape. (We have both moved on romantically and reformed our ways and are much better for it.)
posted by WeekendJen at 12:21 PM on August 8, 2011
FWIW I think that if a woman hits her male partner, he should probably seriously consider why he's sticking around, especially if that woman minimizes her behavior in problematic ways.
The fact that the OP's boyfriend did not leave in the past doesn't mean she owes him anything now.
posted by muddgirl at 12:28 PM on August 8, 2011
The fact that the OP's boyfriend did not leave in the past doesn't mean she owes him anything now.
posted by muddgirl at 12:28 PM on August 8, 2011
Jezztek, I interpret her post as saying, I've done X in the past, recognize that it's wrong, and take steps not to do it; my boyfriend did X last night and is now justifying his behavior by saying it's no big deal. Moreover, I interpret her explanation of her boyfriend's size relative to hers in practical terms: whatever she's done in the past, him being physically violent with her is a different experience because he is bigger and stronger and thus more of a danger to her than she is to him.
Perhaps I'm being overly charitable. OP, the above was the premise of my comments. If you hit your boyfriend still, or think it's ok to do so because you are a woman, then ignore my comments.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:29 PM on August 8, 2011
Perhaps I'm being overly charitable. OP, the above was the premise of my comments. If you hit your boyfriend still, or think it's ok to do so because you are a woman, then ignore my comments.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:29 PM on August 8, 2011
If you don't break up, I think you need serious couples counselling.
I just wanted to point out that couples' counseling is generally not recommended for abusive relationships, at least not without individual counseling as well and before it can be established that there is demonstrated willingness on the part of the abusive individual(s) to acknowledge what is going on and the desire to fix it. Too often it becomes another forum for the abusive individual(s) to control and manipulate the relationship and situation.
posted by Pax at 12:34 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to point out that couples' counseling is generally not recommended for abusive relationships, at least not without individual counseling as well and before it can be established that there is demonstrated willingness on the part of the abusive individual(s) to acknowledge what is going on and the desire to fix it. Too often it becomes another forum for the abusive individual(s) to control and manipulate the relationship and situation.
posted by Pax at 12:34 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, God, get out, please. Yes, it is that bad. No, you didn't act well either, but that is all the more reason not to stay in a relationship which is developing a dynamic of abuse and resentment.
You could really use spend some time on your own anyhow, and please pursue therapy. You say you "don't have access" but once you get on the phone to a crisis line you can start the project of identifying support.
posted by Miko at 12:37 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
You could really use spend some time on your own anyhow, and please pursue therapy. You say you "don't have access" but once you get on the phone to a crisis line you can start the project of identifying support.
posted by Miko at 12:37 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend hit me. How I should react to this?
By leaving him. This is inexcusable.
First I want to give some background for perspective:
Haha, no. There's no "perspective" here, there are only excuses.
Leave this person or he will hit you again, and then again after that, forever.
posted by mhoye at 12:47 PM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
By leaving him. This is inexcusable.
First I want to give some background for perspective:
Haha, no. There's no "perspective" here, there are only excuses.
Leave this person or he will hit you again, and then again after that, forever.
posted by mhoye at 12:47 PM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
You hit your boyfriend. He should leave you.
Your boyfriend hit you. You should leave him.
This relationship is mutually destructive, and one of you needs to end it before somebody actually gets hurt. Physical violence is never OK, regardless of gender.
posted by schmod at 1:01 PM on August 8, 2011 [20 favorites]
Your boyfriend hit you. You should leave him.
This relationship is mutually destructive, and one of you needs to end it before somebody actually gets hurt. Physical violence is never OK, regardless of gender.
posted by schmod at 1:01 PM on August 8, 2011 [20 favorites]
I told him that there is a huge difference in a man hitting a woman vs a woman hitting a man
This is not true.
Scmod's advice:
You hit your boyfriend. He should leave you.
Your boyfriend hit you. You should leave him.
This relationship is mutually destructive, and one of you needs to end it before somebody actually gets hurt. Physical violence is never OK, regardless of gender.\
is probably the best and most succinct in this thread. You both seem like you need help and therapy. Regardless of anything, this is not a healthy relationship and it needs to end. It will probably not get better.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:25 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is not true.
Scmod's advice:
You hit your boyfriend. He should leave you.
Your boyfriend hit you. You should leave him.
This relationship is mutually destructive, and one of you needs to end it before somebody actually gets hurt. Physical violence is never OK, regardless of gender.\
is probably the best and most succinct in this thread. You both seem like you need help and therapy. Regardless of anything, this is not a healthy relationship and it needs to end. It will probably not get better.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:25 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
I want to join in the chorus that you're probably going to need to end this. Both of you has issues and it's likely he has a background with abuse as well or some type of mental illness?
I believe in both of you to recover but the way things are going this relationship is probably NOT the space to recover. You need real help and you need to be near people you can trust and hopefully some prefessionals who can help you work through your abusive childhood and your own abusive behavior.
The relationship should not have continued once you started hitting him, even though you said sorry. I too have known couples in which there was a heated period in the relationship and a hit happened ONCE and person was horrified and immediately got help to work through their issues and ensure it NEVER happened again. Usually though once hitting has happened an apolgy made, and MORE hitting has happened? The stage is set. You will not stop hitting him if you know ultimately he is going to continue tolerating it.
And what's more the same as people usually are sympathetic to the fact that battered women sometimes act out violently toward a violent partner? He is experiencing assault from you. He is dealing with a traumatic environment and has normalized your behavior, possibly as a result of his own history with abuse or possibly because of the stage you set for normalizing your own behavior so long as there is an apology and diagnoses to excuse your behavior. The stage is set for violence to be excused and he's taken it to the next step where it is so normalized it doesn't even require an apology.
PLEASE get back to your home. Believe in yourself, you will need to work through processing how wrong it is to ever hit anyone-- forgive yourself and understand the context of how your behaviors came to be-- and make sure that you do NOT continue to spread violence into the lives of other people. I believe that you can do this, and it is unfortunately very common that people with abusive histories lose control of their behavior and use the excuses made in their own childhoods for the abuse that happened to them to justiy their own perpetuation of abuse. It's not pretty, but it's very normal human behavior and I believe that you can work through it and be a good person. I think it will require getting out of thise relationship ASAP, for both you and your boyfriends safety. If he had expressed interest in recovering as well, I would understand if you sought to work through it together, but I have not ever seen couples recover when things have gotten to this point unless they seperate and spend some time working on themselves.
posted by xarnop at 1:27 PM on August 8, 2011
I believe in both of you to recover but the way things are going this relationship is probably NOT the space to recover. You need real help and you need to be near people you can trust and hopefully some prefessionals who can help you work through your abusive childhood and your own abusive behavior.
The relationship should not have continued once you started hitting him, even though you said sorry. I too have known couples in which there was a heated period in the relationship and a hit happened ONCE and person was horrified and immediately got help to work through their issues and ensure it NEVER happened again. Usually though once hitting has happened an apolgy made, and MORE hitting has happened? The stage is set. You will not stop hitting him if you know ultimately he is going to continue tolerating it.
And what's more the same as people usually are sympathetic to the fact that battered women sometimes act out violently toward a violent partner? He is experiencing assault from you. He is dealing with a traumatic environment and has normalized your behavior, possibly as a result of his own history with abuse or possibly because of the stage you set for normalizing your own behavior so long as there is an apology and diagnoses to excuse your behavior. The stage is set for violence to be excused and he's taken it to the next step where it is so normalized it doesn't even require an apology.
PLEASE get back to your home. Believe in yourself, you will need to work through processing how wrong it is to ever hit anyone-- forgive yourself and understand the context of how your behaviors came to be-- and make sure that you do NOT continue to spread violence into the lives of other people. I believe that you can do this, and it is unfortunately very common that people with abusive histories lose control of their behavior and use the excuses made in their own childhoods for the abuse that happened to them to justiy their own perpetuation of abuse. It's not pretty, but it's very normal human behavior and I believe that you can work through it and be a good person. I think it will require getting out of thise relationship ASAP, for both you and your boyfriends safety. If he had expressed interest in recovering as well, I would understand if you sought to work through it together, but I have not ever seen couples recover when things have gotten to this point unless they seperate and spend some time working on themselves.
posted by xarnop at 1:27 PM on August 8, 2011
leave, now. as soon as possible. as someone above said, this relationship is mutually destructive. it's time to go.
posted by woodvine at 1:28 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by woodvine at 1:28 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
It took me decades - yes, DECADES - to realise that a boyfriend saying "you made me do it, if you didn't do X I wouldn't have hit you!" meant that he was even more guilty of wrong-doing. This is what abusers do best... make you feel like you're at fault, not them.
Leave. And get help with your own issues to stop lashing out physically, before you start another relationship.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:29 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Leave. And get help with your own issues to stop lashing out physically, before you start another relationship.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:29 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can barely believe I'm saying this, but the violence isn't the biggest issue I see here. It's a problem—it's a problem that you've hit him; it's a problem that he's hit you back—but it's not what leaps off the screen screaming in my face flashing neon red warning lights.
There are two ways to respond to "You hurt me." The first is "I shouldn't have done that." The second is "You shouldn't have been hurt by that."
The first opens up possibilities for healing, reconciliation, and learning how to avoid further harm. The second closes off all those possibilities and more. It erases the original offence and blames the victim for the crime of being victimized. It precludes responsibility and accountability for one's actions and fundamentally rejects empathy, compassion, and respect—all of which are essential to a healthy relationship.
No, you shouldn't have hit him before, but that's not relevant to this. Yes, there are social and physiological reasons one might give different weight to violence against women vs. violence against men—but that's not relevant to this, either.
Your boyfriend hurt you. He scared you. And then he didn't express regret or contrition, didn't try to make it right: He told you it was okay for him to hurt you. He told you you deserved to be hurt.
"If a man hits you once, he'll do it again" is a generalization. But your boyfriend has told you that he will hurt you again. He's told you that something as minor as slapping an inanimate object will be sufficient justification, and he's told you that anything short of anal rape and murder will be justified.
That's why you should leave.
posted by Zozo at 4:03 PM on August 8, 2011 [19 favorites]
There are two ways to respond to "You hurt me." The first is "I shouldn't have done that." The second is "You shouldn't have been hurt by that."
The first opens up possibilities for healing, reconciliation, and learning how to avoid further harm. The second closes off all those possibilities and more. It erases the original offence and blames the victim for the crime of being victimized. It precludes responsibility and accountability for one's actions and fundamentally rejects empathy, compassion, and respect—all of which are essential to a healthy relationship.
No, you shouldn't have hit him before, but that's not relevant to this. Yes, there are social and physiological reasons one might give different weight to violence against women vs. violence against men—but that's not relevant to this, either.
Your boyfriend hurt you. He scared you. And then he didn't express regret or contrition, didn't try to make it right: He told you it was okay for him to hurt you. He told you you deserved to be hurt.
"If a man hits you once, he'll do it again" is a generalization. But your boyfriend has told you that he will hurt you again. He's told you that something as minor as slapping an inanimate object will be sufficient justification, and he's told you that anything short of anal rape and murder will be justified.
That's why you should leave.
posted by Zozo at 4:03 PM on August 8, 2011 [19 favorites]
DTMFA, but also stop hitting people yourself.
posted by cmoj at 5:20 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by cmoj at 5:20 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
And then he didn't express regret or contrition
I think you're reading more into this than is supported by the text. He's made at least two apologies: "Just today we talked about it again, even after he apologized again,..." You don't actually have a full transcript of what they've said to each other.
posted by Dano St at 5:23 PM on August 8, 2011
I think you're reading more into this than is supported by the text. He's made at least two apologies: "Just today we talked about it again, even after he apologized again,..." You don't actually have a full transcript of what they've said to each other.
posted by Dano St at 5:23 PM on August 8, 2011
This looks like a really unhealthy relationship. I don't agree with the posters who feel your boyfriend is some kind of axe murderer who has only now revealed his true nature - but I think you're both locked in a cycle of avoidance, aggression and retaliation. You need a break from each other and time to decide if you want to try to salvage the relationship. I don't think you two should move back unless you're receiving counseling and therapy.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:41 PM on August 8, 2011
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:41 PM on August 8, 2011
He's made at least two apologies
For something that he claims wasn't his fault, wasn't that big of a deal, was acceptable in context, etc. etc. "Sorry, but" isn't sincere. "It's not like I anally raped you or tried to kill you" isn't contrition.
You don't actually have a full transcript of what they've said to each other.
That's correct. The only question I can answer is the one Anon asked; the only information I can base my answer on is what she provided: "He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it... he always goes on to try to excuse it in a way..."
(You also truncated your quotation there at a pretty important spot: "...even after he apologized again, but tried to reason it by saying, 'You pounded something, I pounded something.' He's been very defensive in all our discussions of it.")
I answered in good faith, after a lot of thought, and I stand by every word I said.
posted by Zozo at 5:48 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
For something that he claims wasn't his fault, wasn't that big of a deal, was acceptable in context, etc. etc. "Sorry, but" isn't sincere. "It's not like I anally raped you or tried to kill you" isn't contrition.
You don't actually have a full transcript of what they've said to each other.
That's correct. The only question I can answer is the one Anon asked; the only information I can base my answer on is what she provided: "He went into constant diatribes that were basically excusing, diminishing, or trying to put the event in context to justify it. He diminished it... he always goes on to try to excuse it in a way..."
(You also truncated your quotation there at a pretty important spot: "...even after he apologized again, but tried to reason it by saying, 'You pounded something, I pounded something.' He's been very defensive in all our discussions of it.")
I answered in good faith, after a lot of thought, and I stand by every word I said.
posted by Zozo at 5:48 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is it really that bad?
If you're hitting each other, then yes. How bad would you like it to get before you leave?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:53 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're hitting each other, then yes. How bad would you like it to get before you leave?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:53 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Leave him. And going forward, you should be looking for a man who would leave you if you hit him, as well.
posted by davejay at 7:05 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by davejay at 7:05 PM on August 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
From what you wrote about his reaction, I believe knowing a little more about symptoms of abuse can help you evaluate your decisions. Perhaps even the recent FPP about why s/he stays can give you a little more perspective about why you need to ask if you should stay or go.
Once, shame on you.
Twice, shame on me.
posted by _paegan_ at 8:59 PM on August 8, 2011
Once, shame on you.
Twice, shame on me.
posted by _paegan_ at 8:59 PM on August 8, 2011
I realize my comment sounds a little strained, not very compassionate.
I'm so compassionate about the issue, it's a trigger for me. Language stilts for me. I hope you get out of this perilous situation.
posted by _paegan_ at 9:03 PM on August 8, 2011
I'm so compassionate about the issue, it's a trigger for me. Language stilts for me. I hope you get out of this perilous situation.
posted by _paegan_ at 9:03 PM on August 8, 2011
Leave.
It doesn't matter what you did to him in the past. He hit you- which is bad enough- but the bigger red flag for me is the non-apology and lack of contrition. He doesn't see what he did as wrong, which leaves me very little hope he won't do it again, or do something worse.
Pack a bag and get out. And change your cellphone number while you're at it.
posted by Tamanna at 9:07 PM on August 8, 2011
It doesn't matter what you did to him in the past. He hit you- which is bad enough- but the bigger red flag for me is the non-apology and lack of contrition. He doesn't see what he did as wrong, which leaves me very little hope he won't do it again, or do something worse.
Pack a bag and get out. And change your cellphone number while you're at it.
posted by Tamanna at 9:07 PM on August 8, 2011
He's made at least two apologies:
Yes, and he even included a very warm, sincere, contrite mention of anal rape and murder being the things he'd truly be sorry for.
posted by scody at 9:42 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yes, and he even included a very warm, sincere, contrite mention of anal rape and murder being the things he'd truly be sorry for.
posted by scody at 9:42 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you think it's upsetting, then it's upsetting.
I think neither of you are healthy for one another - certainly you're both at fault here - and you should decrease your contact with each other substantially and move forward with your lives.
posted by mleigh at 11:38 PM on August 8, 2011
I think neither of you are healthy for one another - certainly you're both at fault here - and you should decrease your contact with each other substantially and move forward with your lives.
posted by mleigh at 11:38 PM on August 8, 2011
My boyfriend hit me. How I should react to this?
First I want to give some background for perspective:
This is where I stopped reading, and where you should have stopped writing. There is no perspective for hitting your boyfriend/girlfriend/etc.
No broken bones? No blood? Shall you wait for that or leave now? It's up to you.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 4:03 AM on August 9, 2011
First I want to give some background for perspective:
This is where I stopped reading, and where you should have stopped writing. There is no perspective for hitting your boyfriend/girlfriend/etc.
No broken bones? No blood? Shall you wait for that or leave now? It's up to you.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 4:03 AM on August 9, 2011
I am concerned for you for a number of reasons. You are already "isolated" in a foreign country and your boyfriend has provided you with financial assistance. These two things could make it much more difficult for you to leave him if he becomes more abusive. I would actively work on finding a therapist and making friends outside of his circle in this country. You should also let a family member and/or friend back home know what is going on so that if things were to rapidly deteriorate you would have support from your home country.
Also, please maintain contact with some of the mefites who are sure to contact you to offer you advice.
I feel that I don't want to leave him though, because I don't think this truly defines his character.
It is very common for sufferers of PTSD to not see the connection between related events. Please listen to the excellent answers you have received in this thread.
There have been a few spectacularly unhelpful answers in this thread. I mention this because I am concerned when you return to this thread and read all of the answers, you may focus on the ones that minimize what happened to you and muddy the issue by judging your past behavior. As a sufferer of PTSD you are likely to blame yourself and you do not need to be encouraged.
In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns.
I can't help but wonder if you posted this not realizing that it would be self-sabotaging? Aggression turned outward is not a good thing (as many here have rushed to tell you) but the context is very important.
A woman smaller than her boyfriend and who suffers from PTSD and depression and who is in the middle of a "depressive meltdown" (and what did that look like, had you been triggered and were sobbing in a corner?) and when your boyfriend came near you lightly punched him on the arm?
Really, it is disappointing that the men here (and by my count it was men who made an issue of you hitting your boyfriend) apparently read past the capital letters "PTSD" and declined to consider what that might mean.
Seriously, "overreacting" wtf? OP, you are not overreacting. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by mlis at 11:13 PM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, please maintain contact with some of the mefites who are sure to contact you to offer you advice.
I feel that I don't want to leave him though, because I don't think this truly defines his character.
It is very common for sufferers of PTSD to not see the connection between related events. Please listen to the excellent answers you have received in this thread.
There have been a few spectacularly unhelpful answers in this thread. I mention this because I am concerned when you return to this thread and read all of the answers, you may focus on the ones that minimize what happened to you and muddy the issue by judging your past behavior. As a sufferer of PTSD you are likely to blame yourself and you do not need to be encouraged.
In the past I have hit him a few times in the arm in moments of depressive meltdowns.
I can't help but wonder if you posted this not realizing that it would be self-sabotaging? Aggression turned outward is not a good thing (as many here have rushed to tell you) but the context is very important.
A woman smaller than her boyfriend and who suffers from PTSD and depression and who is in the middle of a "depressive meltdown" (and what did that look like, had you been triggered and were sobbing in a corner?) and when your boyfriend came near you lightly punched him on the arm?
Really, it is disappointing that the men here (and by my count it was men who made an issue of you hitting your boyfriend) apparently read past the capital letters "PTSD" and declined to consider what that might mean.
Seriously, "overreacting" wtf? OP, you are not overreacting. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by mlis at 11:13 PM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I may be repeating what others have said but this is from the perspective of someone who can be a nasty intimidating bastard if I want to. I'm not exactly proud of that, but at least I can give you the arsehole's perspective.
My partner and I get stressed and angry with each other sometimes and she is a multiple "I'm Not Touching" World Champion so over the years it has crossed my mind that I could lose control and lash out. The thing is, the horror and shame I would feel would not be expressed in the words "You pounded something, I pounded something." I'm sure "ohmyfuckinggodiamsosorry" would come into it and I would probably be the one crying and in shock while she did some sort of emasculating victory dance*. (we're made for each other)
Sure, not all relationships are the same and arguments happen, but "It's not like I anally raped you or tried to kill you" is just straight up fucking wrong.
Is it really that bad? Yeah, sorry. He sounds like a dangerous arsehole and you deserve better.
Time to come home.
Good Luck.
*actually, this isn't entirely true, she'd probably be heading for the door and she'd be right to.
posted by fullerine at 10:25 PM on August 15, 2011
My partner and I get stressed and angry with each other sometimes and she is a multiple "I'm Not Touching" World Champion so over the years it has crossed my mind that I could lose control and lash out. The thing is, the horror and shame I would feel would not be expressed in the words "You pounded something, I pounded something." I'm sure "ohmyfuckinggodiamsosorry" would come into it and I would probably be the one crying and in shock while she did some sort of emasculating victory dance*. (we're made for each other)
Sure, not all relationships are the same and arguments happen, but "It's not like I anally raped you or tried to kill you" is just straight up fucking wrong.
Is it really that bad? Yeah, sorry. He sounds like a dangerous arsehole and you deserve better.
Time to come home.
Good Luck.
*actually, this isn't entirely true, she'd probably be heading for the door and she'd be right to.
posted by fullerine at 10:25 PM on August 15, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sacrifix at 9:45 AM on August 8, 2011 [30 favorites]