I have lost my motivation. It must be around here somewhere.
I am reasonably happy and satisfied when I am being an adult as defined by this cartoon.
I used to excel at it. I don't any more.
I had an incident involving emotional trauma, overwork, and burnout a couple years ago, but I'm bored with trauma and burnout now. I just want to stick to my schedule and get things done and seize the day and all that crap.
Forget new year's resolutions, I make new hour's resolutions and I break them all. This morning I dreamed I kept oversleeping and frittering my time away and wasting my life, and then I woke up and found I had overslept. Then I dicked around drinking coffee until I was well and truly behind schedule.
The thing is, I'm burnt out on ways to trick myself into getting stuff done. All that crap about rewarding yourself when you accomplish something and punishing yourself when you don't... those are just more actions I have to do, and I don't do them.
I used to be so kick-ass about getting stuff done that I read Getting Things Done and tossed it aside with a sneer. To this day, I understand the principles of productivity and efficiency so well that virtually nothing I read can tell me anything I don't already know and haven't already done.
The problem is actually doing it. I have ADHD, meaning that I need 100% motivation to force myself through tasks that others can do with only 55% motivation. But I have tons of medication and ideal working and living conditions. I just don't want to display the frenzied levels of self-discipline that I used to.
It's not even that I don't know what's in it for me. I feel very uncomfortable procrastinating like this. I think I would feel more comfortable doing stuff like I used to. I just can't find it within me any more. I do not want to force myself through any activities. Even ones I love.
I'm not in trouble or anything. My job performance is great and I've been waved through all reviews with no negative feedback and my performance classed as "completely satisfactory or better". Outside of work I've done some pretty cool stuff if I say it myself: I didn't exactly realize my childhood ambitions to become an astronaut and a ballerina this year, but it was as satisfying to me as if I had.
It's on a daily and hourly basis that the feet dragging is getting me down. Oh I should practise the piano uuuuuurgh I'll do it tomorrow (I really only get the chance once a week). I really need to get up at 6:00 but I usually have too much work to do to get to bed before 1:00 and the knock-on effect ruins the whole week and next week is going to be better but it never is. I can only really exercise first thing in the morning, which is impossible if I don't get up early enough. I signed up with OKCupid to apply myself to the arduous task of finally getting a boyfriend, and I forced myself through a couple of dates with some dreary, incompatible guys, and I know I should bite the bullet and date a few hundred more dreary, incompatible guys, but I just can't seem to force myself through it all just on the off-chance.
What can I do when all else has failed and my get up and go has got up and gone?