How to Tell My Family that I don`t want to Move Back
August 7, 2011 11:14 PM Subscribe
Traditional and slightly controlling parents expect me to move back to their place after college.
So, this is my final year of university and I`m excited to say the least. I can`t wait until I can venture out of this college town and explore a new city such as Toronto. However, I truly confined when I think about my future because my expectations and goals do not align with my parents expectations. It feels like their expectations confine me because they frequently ask me when or if I`m coming back to live with them after university. I have explained that I do not intend on doing that, however, I did not verbally say this, instead I told my mom that I intend on working for the year and figuring out my next plan. She is aware that I want to move to a big city; however, she still tries to control the situation by asking me when I`m coming back or doubting me and my ability to provide for myself. I think this is because they miss me, even after living alone for four years. I have tried talking to my younger sister about this and she has told me that it`s difficult for them because my siblings (30, 28, and 19) still live at home with my parents, but I`m rarely around. I refuse to move back to my parent`s place and I have tried to make that clear. I think my dad knows too since I have told him a few times that I want to do my own thing after I graduate which means living on my own. He laughed when I told him, I guess because I said that I don`t want to be like my siblings and live with my parents until I`m in my late twenties or early thirties. I think he understands where I`m coming from because he moved to Canada when he was in his early twenties and created something for himself on his own. I don`t have anything against my parents or immediate family, but I cannot fathom the idea of living with them again. I have tried to establish something for myself while living independently (for instance, paying for everything in terms of tuition, groceries, bills, etc.. except for rent which is something that I intend on doing starting September). I feel like I would not be able to gain as much experience during my twenties (kind of like my life would be stalled until I moved out), that I would be further confined to their expectations such as getting married (which is something that I don`t want), I don`t think I could personally be as self-sufficient if I lived with my immediate family, and I don`t want to share a bedroom when I`m in my twenties. I realize that they miss me, so I try to text the two siblings that I talk to and call my mom too. But, I still don`t feel like it`s enough for them. I refer to my parent`s place as just that, my parent`s place and my place as home. However, they have a difficult time accepting that too. In fact, my dad has told me before that I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home. I really don`t know how to deal with this situation, let alone tell extended family (when they ask me) that I do not plan on moving back. Please let me know if you have any words of advice.
So, this is my final year of university and I`m excited to say the least. I can`t wait until I can venture out of this college town and explore a new city such as Toronto. However, I truly confined when I think about my future because my expectations and goals do not align with my parents expectations. It feels like their expectations confine me because they frequently ask me when or if I`m coming back to live with them after university. I have explained that I do not intend on doing that, however, I did not verbally say this, instead I told my mom that I intend on working for the year and figuring out my next plan. She is aware that I want to move to a big city; however, she still tries to control the situation by asking me when I`m coming back or doubting me and my ability to provide for myself. I think this is because they miss me, even after living alone for four years. I have tried talking to my younger sister about this and she has told me that it`s difficult for them because my siblings (30, 28, and 19) still live at home with my parents, but I`m rarely around. I refuse to move back to my parent`s place and I have tried to make that clear. I think my dad knows too since I have told him a few times that I want to do my own thing after I graduate which means living on my own. He laughed when I told him, I guess because I said that I don`t want to be like my siblings and live with my parents until I`m in my late twenties or early thirties. I think he understands where I`m coming from because he moved to Canada when he was in his early twenties and created something for himself on his own. I don`t have anything against my parents or immediate family, but I cannot fathom the idea of living with them again. I have tried to establish something for myself while living independently (for instance, paying for everything in terms of tuition, groceries, bills, etc.. except for rent which is something that I intend on doing starting September). I feel like I would not be able to gain as much experience during my twenties (kind of like my life would be stalled until I moved out), that I would be further confined to their expectations such as getting married (which is something that I don`t want), I don`t think I could personally be as self-sufficient if I lived with my immediate family, and I don`t want to share a bedroom when I`m in my twenties. I realize that they miss me, so I try to text the two siblings that I talk to and call my mom too. But, I still don`t feel like it`s enough for them. I refer to my parent`s place as just that, my parent`s place and my place as home. However, they have a difficult time accepting that too. In fact, my dad has told me before that I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home. I really don`t know how to deal with this situation, let alone tell extended family (when they ask me) that I do not plan on moving back. Please let me know if you have any words of advice.
Yep, I was you once upon a time. I didn't go back to my hometown, I did get the speech about where my real "home" was, I did get flat out asked when I was going to come back.
I didn't.
You've been through school, you're a grown-up, and you are now in charge of your next move. There's no guilt in not doing what your parents expect of you, just as there's no guilt in marrying a girl they don't approve of, or pursuing a career they feel is not good enough or appropriate for you. I'm sure they're loving parents, so eventually they'll come around to realizing the same thing. Do realize, though, that this is your shot, not theirs, and you will pay for the costs of the decisions you make, not them.
I hope that helps.
posted by Gilbert at 11:37 PM on August 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I didn't.
You've been through school, you're a grown-up, and you are now in charge of your next move. There's no guilt in not doing what your parents expect of you, just as there's no guilt in marrying a girl they don't approve of, or pursuing a career they feel is not good enough or appropriate for you. I'm sure they're loving parents, so eventually they'll come around to realizing the same thing. Do realize, though, that this is your shot, not theirs, and you will pay for the costs of the decisions you make, not them.
I hope that helps.
posted by Gilbert at 11:37 PM on August 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Traditional and slightly controlling parents expect me to move back to their place after college.
I see a lot about you feeling like they expect you to return...but I also see statements like "my dad has told me before that I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home", which describe a parent trying to walk the line between giving you your rope and letting you know you don't have to hang yourself with it.
Honestly, I think you might be overstating their concerns about you leaving, because you are yourself somewhat afraid of how this is going to go. They've brought the subject up, you've told them your intentions somewhat indirectly, so just make it more direct: as you make specific plans on where you're going to live and work, tell them about those plans, and if you need advice on how to achieve your goals, tell them your goals and ask for their advice.
To read your own words above, it sounds like you have a supportive, loving family that is trying to balance their desire to have you home with your desire not to be there, and so far so good -- just like you're trying to balance your desire to be independent with your concerns about whether you'll hurt your family's feelings. Just as you wish they'd simply support you without letting you know how much they'll miss you, you should do what you're going to do and stop letting your worries hold you back.
And hey, remember, this is totally normal. It is an adjustment for everyone, but they didn't expect you to live there forever, and they want to know your plans because they need to make theirs -- such as coming out to visit you, for instance, and whether they can use your room for storage.
Honestly, "I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home" is exactly what a father should say -- acknowledging that you have a life of your own, but you're always welcome if you want or need to come back. Take comfort from that, as he likely intended you to.
posted by davejay at 12:00 AM on August 8, 2011 [11 favorites]
I see a lot about you feeling like they expect you to return...but I also see statements like "my dad has told me before that I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home", which describe a parent trying to walk the line between giving you your rope and letting you know you don't have to hang yourself with it.
Honestly, I think you might be overstating their concerns about you leaving, because you are yourself somewhat afraid of how this is going to go. They've brought the subject up, you've told them your intentions somewhat indirectly, so just make it more direct: as you make specific plans on where you're going to live and work, tell them about those plans, and if you need advice on how to achieve your goals, tell them your goals and ask for their advice.
To read your own words above, it sounds like you have a supportive, loving family that is trying to balance their desire to have you home with your desire not to be there, and so far so good -- just like you're trying to balance your desire to be independent with your concerns about whether you'll hurt your family's feelings. Just as you wish they'd simply support you without letting you know how much they'll miss you, you should do what you're going to do and stop letting your worries hold you back.
And hey, remember, this is totally normal. It is an adjustment for everyone, but they didn't expect you to live there forever, and they want to know your plans because they need to make theirs -- such as coming out to visit you, for instance, and whether they can use your room for storage.
Honestly, "I may have another house but this house (insert address here) will always be my home" is exactly what a father should say -- acknowledging that you have a life of your own, but you're always welcome if you want or need to come back. Take comfort from that, as he likely intended you to.
posted by davejay at 12:00 AM on August 8, 2011 [11 favorites]
I don't think you have a problem. You do your thing, your parents may disagree, but unless they're physically keeping you in their home, they're really not stopping you. In fact, they're just ensuring that you know that their home is always your home too (if you ever need it).
posted by mleigh at 2:08 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 2:08 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with davejay that it sounds like your father is just trying to let you know you'll always have a home to go to. You say, they're asking you when or if you're coming back home and you haven't given them a straight answer - maybe they just want to know so they can be prepared. Some people just like to know whats going on so they can make plans. You might be ok with just figuring things out as you go but they're you're parents, they're going to worry.
posted by missmagenta at 2:17 AM on August 8, 2011
posted by missmagenta at 2:17 AM on August 8, 2011
It would be ideal if your parents agreed with everything you want to do---but don't make it a prerequisite for doing it.
You don't mention finances--are you hoping your parents will financially support you as you transition out of college and into a new job? If so, then I can understand your concern.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:10 AM on August 8, 2011
You don't mention finances--are you hoping your parents will financially support you as you transition out of college and into a new job? If so, then I can understand your concern.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:10 AM on August 8, 2011
Number one thing here is gonna be: CAN you find a job and a place to live that is not home after graduation? Because I know a lot of people these days who don't want to move back home, but can't get jobs and thus are forced into it. I know it'll be a hard slog to get a job once you graduate (start looking early), but at the very least, try to find some friends who will put you up elsewhere so that you aren't forced to go home due to lack of options. If you end up being forced to move home or else be homeless, that's where things are going to get awkward here. You've got a year, do your best (if it's possible) to make sure you have somewhere to go once you've graduated. Your parents will have less to argue if you have secured employment elsewhere.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 AM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
OP, you don't mention where your family is from but I'm guessing there are cultural factors at play here that resonate with me. Most likely your family is worried about staying emotionally close as you grow up, and physical closeness is the proxy that symbolizes that.
I'm a decade out of college now and until I recently got engaged, my parents repeatedly said the same thing to me in that wistful tone - that my room was always there for me, that their home would always be my home. I once referred to the house they live in (and I grew up in) as THEIR house and my mother was so offended. "It's OUR house, yours too," she said, holding back tears. "It's rude to say otherwise."
I get where you're coming from where you're straining to take baby independent steps and for a long time I batted away those kinds of "come home" comments more harshly than I should have because I didn't want anyone to think for a single moment that I would do something like move home, I wanted them to explicitly know I was an independent kind of person. Now I know that as parents it is something they say and feel, but it is not a command or a demand - it's an expression of love and longing for days when they could take care of you and protect you and you can listen to it with warmth without feeling obligated to live in your old room again.
Know that for them, it is an ongoing process of swallowing their concerns to watch you wobble out of the nest and they feel pained that they cannot help you make your life nicer. I remember being so proud of my first apartment and showing my parents around and seeing my mother's pained face as she realized just HOW MANY people I would be sharing that gross crusty bathroom with. I'm sure mentally she compared it to her beautifully pristine bathroom that she lovingly and backbreakingly kept clean for us for so many years.
When your dad tells you you will always have a home, accept that with grace and gratitude, you can agree with him and tell him that having that emotional and physical security is really meaningful and important to you, while also suggesting that you can't wait to invite him your new city home someday. They just want to be a part of your life.
posted by sestaaak at 6:50 AM on August 8, 2011
I'm a decade out of college now and until I recently got engaged, my parents repeatedly said the same thing to me in that wistful tone - that my room was always there for me, that their home would always be my home. I once referred to the house they live in (and I grew up in) as THEIR house and my mother was so offended. "It's OUR house, yours too," she said, holding back tears. "It's rude to say otherwise."
I get where you're coming from where you're straining to take baby independent steps and for a long time I batted away those kinds of "come home" comments more harshly than I should have because I didn't want anyone to think for a single moment that I would do something like move home, I wanted them to explicitly know I was an independent kind of person. Now I know that as parents it is something they say and feel, but it is not a command or a demand - it's an expression of love and longing for days when they could take care of you and protect you and you can listen to it with warmth without feeling obligated to live in your old room again.
Know that for them, it is an ongoing process of swallowing their concerns to watch you wobble out of the nest and they feel pained that they cannot help you make your life nicer. I remember being so proud of my first apartment and showing my parents around and seeing my mother's pained face as she realized just HOW MANY people I would be sharing that gross crusty bathroom with. I'm sure mentally she compared it to her beautifully pristine bathroom that she lovingly and backbreakingly kept clean for us for so many years.
When your dad tells you you will always have a home, accept that with grace and gratitude, you can agree with him and tell him that having that emotional and physical security is really meaningful and important to you, while also suggesting that you can't wait to invite him your new city home someday. They just want to be a part of your life.
posted by sestaaak at 6:50 AM on August 8, 2011
I've worked with lots of college students on this issue. I have so many students whose lives are very interwoven with the lives of a larger family and wanting to "do your own thing" is not only difficult but sometimes nearly impossible.
This is probably a very emotional issue for you since you must feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to move home. But it also sounds like you respect the responsibility to that inner voice that tells you that a life on your own is the one you should nurture and respect. It takes all kinds. The world is made of traditional folks who keep their parents' ways and innovative people who follow an inner, more independent voice. It's important to know who you are. It sounds like you know exactly who you are and the trick is to get your parents to recognize this fact. Reminding your dad that you're just like him might be helpful.
As far as supporting yourself goes, don't let anyone, especially your own mother, undermine that sense of self. Millions upon millions of people manage to support themselves in their twenties (I did it waiting tables). Don't let statistics fool you. As long as you're willing to cut corners, you can live solo just fine. They will get used to it eventually. There is nothing you can do to make it any less challenging for your parents. But that's their cross to bear. You have every right to live your own life. Give yourself permission to do what you know is right for you. As an adult, you no longer need permission from your family.
posted by madred at 6:55 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is probably a very emotional issue for you since you must feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to move home. But it also sounds like you respect the responsibility to that inner voice that tells you that a life on your own is the one you should nurture and respect. It takes all kinds. The world is made of traditional folks who keep their parents' ways and innovative people who follow an inner, more independent voice. It's important to know who you are. It sounds like you know exactly who you are and the trick is to get your parents to recognize this fact. Reminding your dad that you're just like him might be helpful.
As far as supporting yourself goes, don't let anyone, especially your own mother, undermine that sense of self. Millions upon millions of people manage to support themselves in their twenties (I did it waiting tables). Don't let statistics fool you. As long as you're willing to cut corners, you can live solo just fine. They will get used to it eventually. There is nothing you can do to make it any less challenging for your parents. But that's their cross to bear. You have every right to live your own life. Give yourself permission to do what you know is right for you. As an adult, you no longer need permission from your family.
posted by madred at 6:55 AM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for your helpful replies!
posted by sincerely-s at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2011
posted by sincerely-s at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by calgirl at 11:26 PM on August 7, 2011 [1 favorite]