How do I make this LDR work? Or what are my options?
August 4, 2011 12:17 AM Subscribe
Am I being ridiculous in my relationship expectations?
How do I figure out what it is I want?
posted by thegmann to human relations (34 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
My girlfriend and I are in a LDR spanning the USA and Canada. I am 24, she is 31. She is in Vancouver and I am in the USA. We are two very ambitious people and we both run businesses. Mine is all interweb based, meaning I get to be mobile, while she is tied to Vancouver physically by the business she is newly starting. Her dream and passion.
Other than the logistical problems, there are some other complications as well.
She is Sikh, and I am white. Her parents/family/friends would not be understanding of this... in fact they can't even really know she's dating someone at all, as I understand it.
I have offered to learn Punjabi, learn more about Sikhism, but she will not budge on allowing me to integrate further into her family life at the present moment - which is acceptable to me. I understand that it is a very big deal and I respect that.
So cultural differences mean that it would not make sense for me to move to Vancouver, also, she still wants to travel to California every 3 months, regardless of her business. ALSO, she wants to have her own place in California, for her family to come visit. Fortunately we both completely trust each other, and there are no trust/jealousy issues.
She comes here to California for *roughly* 2-3 months at a time, then leaves for 3 months at a time to work on her business. She is very go with the flow and she is unwilling to give me hard leaving/returning dates, so it is difficult for me to plan anything head, such as trips with each other, etc.
I love her completely, but I want her here physically, is it worth the wait? I think so. The problem is - she seems perfectly content with everything the way it is, as if it could go on like this forever. It's not like "OKAY well after 3 years we'll be able to be with each other." It's more like "WELL everything's great, right?" The reason any of this has come up is because after a discussion she basically told me "WELL if the relationship could be ANYTHING, within the bounds set by my cultural stuff, location stuff, etc. how would YOU want it to be?" And aside from I want us to be together - I don't have an answer.
We had an open relationship originally, and we have talked about going back to that, I've been strongly considering it as it would let me just do my thing and be distracted - but I do not want an open relationship again. I am in love with her. I want her to be the one in my life.
I have all kinds of mixed feelings - I want her with me, while at the same time I want to give her her space. I am feeling unfulfilled in my relationship without her here... It makes me resentful when she IS here. I can logically use my mind all I want, but emotionally I don't know if I have abandonment issues or what, I just feel... resentful and stressed and depressed.
I feel that in my ideal relationship, if my partner is tasked with finding where she is going to lay down her passion, she would sit down with me, given that I am willing to relocate and move around, and we would identify places we could go. We would look for how we could make it work. We would look for places together. We would find a way. I would help her to figure it out, it would be a problem we could solve together.
Am I being needy? What can I do to make her feel as fulfilled and womanly and passionate as possible? I feel like the passion dies with so many miles between us, but then when we're together it lights right back up again.
I have tried to just get over it or push through it before - but it always seems to come back to the same thing. I want us to be closer together. She is unwilling to form any kind of plan, she is comfortable with the relationship as it is. Is this perhaps a case of "She's just not that into you?" I do not feel like a priority anymore. Am I being selfish?