Falling out of love...

May 27, 2005 11:58 PM

How do you make yourself stop loving someone?

Last fall, a friend and I fell in love with one another. The problem: we're both married, with kids. We ended things before it got too physical about two months ago. We both agreed an affair would be wrong, we both felt like we were not ready to leave our marriages. We decided to do the right thing and break up and not spend any time together anymore. But due to a work situation, we see each other at least three days a week. With time and avoidance we have begun to be able to handle the basic hello/how's it going/goodbye conversations we have to have in front of co-workers without it being horribly painful. But every time I see this person my heart breaks. I'm still in love. Even though I have recommitted myself to my marriage, I'm still in love.

How do I stop myself from feeling that way? How do I stop being in love? How do I stop loving this other person, whose friendship I miss? I know how I've gotten over break-ups in the past, but the last time I broke up with someone was 15 years ago, before I was married.

How do I get over this heartbreak?

posted by anonymous to human relations (45 comments total)

First of all, you did the right thing.

You likely won't "stop being in love." That's un-possible. You can, however, use this episode to evaluate your own marriage and ponder what it was about this person that drove you to consider divorce. Was it something uniquely special about the other person that caused you to fall in love? Or was it the presence of something lacking in your own marriage?

What does "recommitted myself to my marriage" mean, exactly?

More questions than answers here, which doesn't do too much good for an anonymous poster. I'd pull an Ann Landers and ship you off to counseling. Kudos, though, for not cheating.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:06 AM on May 28, 2005

Well, you have to stop thinking about them. Normally, any time the person crops up in your head, you'd think about all the crap that they flung at you to make you want to leave.

But in your situation, there was no crap, and other issues forced you apart.

But, here's my advice. Just try not thinking about this person, or about how much you're in love with him. Any time he/she comes up in your head immediately try thinking about something else.

When you see this person, say hi; talk about the weather, your kids, whatever. But don’t get into discussions about what happened.

Over time, your associations will fade and it will feel less and less painful.
posted by delmoi at 12:14 AM on May 28, 2005

The timing of this in my personal life is so fucking sick...

See, in high school, I knew this really great girl. I had the biggest crush on her ever. And, she's smarter than my hometown would ever let her take advantage of. So, having moved to Philly, I offered her a place to live. She took me up on that offer three months ago.

Now, we've been great friends forever. But, once she moved up here, and in with me, I noticed myself rapidly falling in love with her. She sleeps ten feet away from me; we walk around half clothed; etc. etc. I kept trying to turn it off... didn't fucking work.

The feeling was not reciprocated. Oh, she "loves me as a friend", thinks I'm "wonderful", etc. etc. But, like has happened with every girl I've ever actually given a flying fuck about, she has placed me squarely in the "friend" category forever.

So, tonight I told her how I feel. About an hour ago. On the phone, because she's out drinking, and when I called to ask where she was (so that I could figure out if I could have this conversation in person tonight, or if I should just sleep) she kept hounding me about "what's wrong".

That went so fucking spectacularly badly that it's not even fucking funny. Like, this conversation could form the core of a billion teen angst poems. I'm considering writing a short dramatic piece on it, entitled "Gasoline on a Fire".


On preview: Yeah, I'm bitter.

And, to answer the question: you can't easily. You can only avoid the person (which is what I'm doing, since she's now moving out). Avoiding the person will keep you from reinforcing the feelings you have toward them. In time, it'll fade...

If it doesn't fade, well, my solution will be to eat a 9mm +P+ JHP. But, I'm fucking hoping it'll fade.
posted by Netzapper at 12:36 AM on May 28, 2005

First of all, you did the right thing.

Well, that's pretty subjective, don't you think? Not cheating was the right thing to do, but staying with your marriage might not be. I wouldn't want to grow up and realize my parents stayed together only for me.

But, here's my advice. Just try not thinking about this person, or about how much you're in love with him. Any time he/she comes up in your head immediately try thinking about something else.

I know you mean well, but that simply won't work. Yes, time has a way of healing, but saying "just don't think of her" is like telling someone who's depressed to just be happy. Not the same mind you, but similar.

The key is not in the other woman, but in yourself. Talking, therapy, whatever it takes, you have to figure out why you're not happy in your own marriage and what made you go outside to find what was missing. Only then with those answers can you deal with the other woman.
posted by justgary at 12:49 AM on May 28, 2005 [1 favorite]

Netzapper:

Just out of curiosity, how do you know the feelings arn't reciprocated if you havn't told her. Or is that you've told her you "like" her, but not that you're madly in love with her.

Both of you guys will get over it you just need to be patent.

---

I know you mean well, but that simply won't work. Yes, time has a way of healing, but saying "just don't think of her" is like telling someone who's depressed to just be happy. Not the same mind you, but similar.

That's not true at all. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Being brokenhearted is the result of a specific, sucky event. When you're not thinking about the event, you’re not feeling brokenhearted. The problem is that after breakup everything reminds you of what happened.

One idea might be to read a book or go on a movie binge. Engage your mind in some other world other then the sucky one you're in.
posted by delmoi at 1:14 AM on May 28, 2005

delmoi: Just try not thinking about this person, or about how much you're in love with him. Any time he/she comes up in your head immediately try thinking about something else.

justgary: I know you mean well, but that simply won't work. Yes, time has a way of healing, but saying "just don't think of her" is like telling someone who's depressed to just be happy.

Actually it sounds like cognitive therapy which is used to treat the depressed. A therapist wouldn't just say be happy, but not thinking about someone is a lot simpler than changing your mood. I think delmoi gave good advice and it's worked for me in the past. You'll still think of the person, but try not to and you'll do it less.

Never ever ever allow yourself to fantasize about that person. Ever. You can control this.
posted by grouse at 1:17 AM on May 28, 2005

delmoi: I did tell her. The result is that she's moving out. Exactly as I expected this plan to go. You'd think that with an approximate 99.9% rejection rate throughout my entire life, I'd be taking this one a little better.

Fuck people... I'm going back into my hole of solitude, and not coming out again.
posted by Netzapper at 1:31 AM on May 28, 2005

I have been in this situation more than once.

As others have said, you are to be commended for minimizing the damage to others. This is no mean feat.

Seeing this person frequently complicates matters and you may find it impossible to simply put this out of your mind. I know I would.

I have found it effective to take the admit and accept approach to such matters, and it goes a little somethin' like this-

"Yes, I love this person, but..."

"Certainly, I miss being with this person, but being with this person will cost me..."

Etc.

Good luck to you.
posted by DuoJet at 1:48 AM on May 28, 2005

Fuck people... I'm going back into my hole of solitude, and not coming out again.

I've been hiding like this for years and it simply does not work. You will fall in love with a co-worker, the cute barista at your local cafe, a stranger online, a random passerby with a smile and a kind word. Anyone. It almost doesn't matter who it is.

The fight against biology is a pyrrhic one, and the only method of victory is to turn yourself into a monster so incapable of loving that the very value of your continued existence is annihilated. Otherwise, the only solutions are a) time and distance, or more likely, b) distract or substitute with something (or someone) else that you can passionately and/or otherwise fully engage with, since time and distance mean absolutely nothing without intervening factors. If you want healing, head straight for b). You already know what will engage your mind/body far better than anyone else does. Don't forget that your mind and body are intimately connected, and what makes your body feel good (exercise, massages, etc) will also lighten your mental longings.

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.
posted by DaShiv at 3:09 AM on May 28, 2005 [1 favorite]

You might have to consider getting another job.
posted by sexymofo at 5:09 AM on May 28, 2005

Netzapper - You had the guts to tell her. That means you have the guts to deal with the results. They are and will be unpleasant for a while, but then you'll get through them and you will return to normal - with a scar that only you will know about.

At least you'll never have to ask yourself "What if - ?" You will know. Unlike some of us.
posted by yclipse at 5:43 AM on May 28, 2005

I've been in this situation before and it always feels like it will never, ever end. However, it will end and it will end more quickly if you can move forward and not dwell on what-might-have-been. I know it's tough to just sort of sit on the moral high ground of saving your marriage but it's a gutsy and tough thing to do and that's a good place to start. What I did, in a similar situation, was to try to take all my anxious pent up frustrated energy and use it to hurl myself away from the object of my affection and right into some other all-consuming project that didn't give me time or space to mope too much: fix up the house, volunteer doing something strenuous, start a project with your kids, etc. Negative energy is still energy, see if you can channel it into doing something productive or constructive.

If you have a trusted friend who you can talk to about this whole mess, confiding in them and explaining the situation may make it a bit more obvious that whatever affair you guys had is solidly framed in past-tense terms and now you are just dealing with a painful aftermath. The more you can say and believe "it's over" the more you can get on with your life.

I do agree with sexymofo, you may need to consider that a change in your work situation if only to not prolong the salt-in-wounds phase of this. The problem with not having made this relatiomship physical is that there's probably some level of physical longing that is just burning there unable to be extinguished.

netzapper: if she's moving out that will at least help your situation somewhat. write your poetry and let your friend exit gracefully.
posted by jessamyn at 5:58 AM on May 28, 2005

You'd think that with an approximate 99.9% rejection rate throughout my entire life, I'd be taking this one a little better.

With a 99% rejection rate, you need to work on yourself so that you no longer HAVE a 99% rejection rate. People who get rejected that often -- and I speak from personal experience -- are either seeking out rejection or there is something wrong with their personality. Both of these issues are solvable. Therapy (and maturing) as the cure for me.

Also, most people who get rejected all the time think it's because of their looks. It's not. We've all seen plain people -- ugly people, even -- in relationships. I blaimed my looks for years. Therapy finally taught me that this was a cop-out. It didn't FEEL like a cop-out, because it was so upsetting (WHY CAN'T I BE MORE ATTRACTIVE?!?!), but it was a cop-out, because blaming my looks allowed me to avoid the harder work -- fixing my personality.

Anonymous, I feel for you. I don't think there's a big difference between ending a relationship and having a love one die. In either case you're losing someone. As people have pointed out here, the only cure is time. But it IS a cure. Think of the people in your life who HAVE lost someone. They do get over it.
posted by grumblebee at 5:59 AM on May 28, 2005

typically you move from love to hate and then to equanimity. so rather than trying to be normal, i would suggest finding things to hate about this person - that they didn't wreck their marriage for you, for example.
posted by andrew cooke at 6:01 AM on May 28, 2005

Anonymous, as I see it, you've got the 2 avenues DaShiv has outlined. Either you have to manipulate the work situation such that you remove yourself from temptation and let time take its course or you are going to have to formulate a system to temper your feelings.
If you really are recommitting to the marriage then perhaps its a good time to take stock of the positives in that regard. Maybe you could write a list down of all the good and special things and emotions that you derive from the marriage and why you love your wife. Write it all out long hand and then redact it into a short form and carry it in your wallet and pull it out 3 days a week and spend a little time contemplating the luck you have and the magnitude of the loss if you were to act on your impulses. You could combine this with adding some more energy to your marriage like springing for a romantic long weekend or some lingerie or co-enrolling in some arts course or telling your wife that you want to spend more time together and asking her opinion about what she'd like to do. If concentrating on the positives and reinforcing the life you are sharing now doesn't or won't work out then talkfesting with a psychologist would be a sensible addition/alternative. They might be able to show you some techniques for breaking unwanted thought patterns.

NetZapper, I know it's probably not of any solace but I think you're a bit of a hero laying it on the line like that. As yclipse says, at least you know. The obsessional thinking of having her out of reach but close at hand isn't going to be an ongoing annoyance now. It's trite but you'll move on. And you'll find someone. It happens often when you don't expect it. Maybe grab a friend and go out and commisserate over a few drinks now and then you just have to put one foot in front of the other and get on with it. You're obviously going to feel sad for a while but don't beat yourself up about what you did. That was awesome.
posted by peacay at 6:16 AM on May 28, 2005

Keep in mind:
You've fallen in love with this person - quite a bit of it is just pure lust - they're nice and new and not your spouse with all of their folliables. Biology is a bitch - the phermones involved take often two years for your to get over (this is why newlyweds tend to behave like bunnies...and after about two-three years sex slows down.)


1) Make an effort to be more romantic with your spouse. If you weren't missing something there...this might now have been so easy. If you still love your spouse, try to remember/reinvigorate your romance. Why did you fall in love with your spouse in the first place?

2) Keep in mind that your coworker has horrible, horrible flaws - they pick their nose, they treat bunnies and kittens horribly, etc. It's just the idea that you're willing to overlook these things....who can say how they'd behave after children?
posted by filmgeek at 6:36 AM on May 28, 2005

Hey anonymouse :)

My advice would be to find a relationship expert with a degree (that you can easily verify as VALID degree) in psycology and expert in relationships. I know by personal experience that there is some very particular people out there that is very well versed at understanding others and expecially at understanding relationship trouble , not necessarily people with a PhD..unfortunately there are also many snake oil sellers so I wouldn't advise you any PAY service that isn't given at an hospital or university or otherwise well-know, well respected institution.

Now regarding free advice...don't take it as gold, but it may as good as paid one :) so here's mine


1. You say that you both decided not to see each other any more, but you both are forced by superior circumstances (work)

2. THe reason behind the decision of not seeing each other any more is : you both feel that a relationship would damage or destroy each other relationship with your current partners..which obviously would be harmful for everybody and expecially for kids

THat's my interpreation of your statements ; now if I'm correct, you both are very mature and rational people who consciounsly evaluated the benefits and the damages that would arise from the relationship..and you both wilfully decided to contain it.

I applaud you both for your determination and maturity..but I understand also the pain and suffering arising from such an uncomfortable situation. Additionally, love relationships at a workplace are potentially very dangerous...but yet the majority of use can't afford the luxury to loose a job these days. How ironic, how miserable........

My advice would be

1. if you feel that you just can't stand the hearthbreak anymore, you should change job. I know this is a very difficult preposition but you can't blame any other but you for what you feel for other persons..so looking around for another job is to be considered as a last chance option, but a good one.

2. you still feel in love with him/her, but evidently feel that your family is more worthy then a fling; what remains to be seen is understanding why you're in love with him/her. That's an introspection job that's very delicate and I don't feel qualified to do it, as I _really_ don't know shit about you.

A few hints I can spare are

a. do not try NOT to think at him/her...the more you don't try, the more you're actually thinking about a person. Just let the thinking happen and remember that YOU are in control of your decision. No matter how you think that you're out of control, desperate and suffering..you still have the ball in your hands as you both demonstrated to each other already.

b. Do not let impulsive passionate decision take the GUIDE of your life : one can't _kill_ passion as if it was an on/off switch , but you can understand it better see that it's beautiful, but sometimes the consequences of a passion are unpredictable and very negative. That is NOT to say one can't look for happines and rewards in life, but to do it unreasonably doesn't necessarily lead to happines.
posted by elpapacito at 7:15 AM on May 28, 2005

I don't particularly think you did the right thing, but if you really want to save your marriage then you need to find a new job. Time is the only way to heal this wound, but even that probably won't work if you're seeing this person three days a week. More likely, you'll keep banking all that pain and misery until finally you decide to cash in. This is how these things go usually. So, really, take a vacation from your job--even if it's only a week--and start looking elsewhere.

I'd also suggest spreading the pain around. Tell your closest friends (even if that's your hubby) what happened and let them support you and work through it with you. Believe it or not, you've done nothing wrong. Life is full of rough spots, and when you hit a storm there's nothing wrong with asking for help. You should also tell your husband--eventually, if not right away--just cuz...

And Netzapper, I don't know where guys got this silly idea that you can just confess your feelings to a girl and she'll fall into your arms--but really. Grow up.
posted by nixerman at 7:17 AM on May 28, 2005

jessamyn is spot-on: not a lot of time has passed. It's going to get better slowly. But change jobs if you can.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:36 AM on May 28, 2005

I don't know where guys got this silly idea that you can just confess your feelings to a girl and she'll fall into your arms--but really.

Good point, nixerman. Generally, there has to be some wooing on someone's part.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:44 AM on May 28, 2005 [1 favorite]

I remember seeing a website about the "Let's Be Friends" problem that was extremely insightful, well-written and explained how to get out of that trap. I think it would help Netzapper except that I saw it 2 years ago and can't even begin to remember what the URL was. Maybe someone here knows it. This is a bit of a derail I suppose but I really feel for Netzapper.
posted by rolypolyman at 7:48 AM on May 28, 2005

I'm not going bother reading all of the other posts, but I will provide you with (what I believe to be) an interesting anecdote.

My grandfather and grandmother were married for a very very long time. They had three daughters. While they were clearly in love, I believe that the first pregnancy was the primary cause for the wedding which happened so many years ago.

They both became increasingly bitter. In fact, grandmother "blamed" the children for her inability to do the things she wanted in life (which is, incidentally, a load of bullshit). By the time my grandmother died of emphesema, they were both bitter, bitter, mean and miserable people and I'm pretty sure they hated each other.

Within a month of her death, 'pa was married to his high-school sweetheart, and he's never been happier.

Take from that what you will.
posted by jaded at 7:49 AM on May 28, 2005

Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Being brokenhearted is the result of a specific, sucky event.

Not everyone agrees with you. I'm no expert on the Japanese but to my knowledge they believe that heartbreak is a physical malady, not a mental one. They have a word for it: shinpan. Personally, I agree with them--at least in the sense that heartbreak affects us in ways that aren't "thoughts" or "thinking".

For the original poster, last night I saw a book called Exquisite Pain in which the author, Sophie Calle, writes about how her man left her and broke her heart. Her solution was to (I'm paraphrasing), "Ask each person I met, 'When did you suffer most?'. I then compared my own situation to theirs, which lightened my load in two ways: it put it in proper perspective (everyone suffers) and made me sick of telling my own story over and over again. It worked and I was over him in 3 months." I didn't buy the book because the silly Canadian publisher wants $60 for it but perhaps this method (or reading the book) may help you.

Fuck people... I'm going back into my hole of solitude, and not coming out again.

This doesn't work and only makes things worse.

I don't mean to sound quaint or dismissive, but to me, the solution for heartache like this is to "look on the bright side". I've met many wonderful women in my life--some have left me; some I've left; and sometimes we mutually drifted apart. However, what always keeps me going is the conscious reminding myself that people like that exist and that knowledge gives me something to strive for in my next relationship.

In short: when I go thru a breakup with someone I am fueled by knowing that a) I can have exquisite feelings for someone; b) I'm thankful for the time we had together rather than upset by the future time we will not--regardless of the duration of the relationship, whether it be one day or night of tenderness or years of mental and physical intimacy. Knowing and believing that you are capable of great love and have much to give is a powerful thing if you focus on it positively rather than thinking "I can't find anyone to share it with". In addition, thinking positively (and I know that's easier said than done) makes you more desirable and therefore gets you meeting new people and the cycle continues. It's simply confidence, which is very attractive.

I don't know where guys got this silly idea that you can just confess your feelings to a girl and she'll fall into your arms--but really. Grow up.

What a load of nonsense. Confessing your feelings and doing so in a way that is respectful of the other person is completely the way to go. However, it has to be done with people smart enough to know that that's how mature people find each other. If you're pursuing people who are terrified of true emotions, however, you're going to scare them away. My suggestion is not to go after these people, however, as they're impossible to deal with and rarely do they "grow up."
posted by dobbs at 7:52 AM on May 28, 2005 [2 favorites]

nixerman:
I don't know where guys got this silly idea that you can just confess your feelings to a girl and she'll fall into your arms--but really. Grow up.

Are you kidding? I had no expectation that she'd fall into my arms. A vague hope, perhaps, like the hope you have when you buy a lottery ticket.

I knew exactly how it'd go before I talked to her. I'm not stupid. But, considering the just-out-of-reach factor has been driving me into depression, it really isn't an option to remain mum about the situation.

This wasn't a courtship tactic, this was me trying to preserve what little bit of sanity I actually posess.
posted by Netzapper at 8:11 AM on May 28, 2005

jaded wrote: In fact, grandmother "blamed" the children for her inability to do the things she wanted in life (which is, incidentally, a load of bullshit).

it is? i thought it was both very common and a real problem, especially back when feminism was pretty much nothing.
posted by andrew cooke at 8:14 AM on May 28, 2005

an approximate 99.9% rejection rate throughout my entire life

Unless you've asked out 1000 people, it's impossible for you to have a 99.9% rejection rate. Keep at it.
posted by grouse at 8:27 AM on May 28, 2005

However, you can have a 100% rejection rate with as few attempts as one!
posted by kindall at 8:47 AM on May 28, 2005

silly kids and your hormones. love isn't something you "fall into". it's something you work hard at. now go hug your spouse and next time you see this other person at work, tell yourself to grow up.
posted by quonsar at 9:22 AM on May 28, 2005

we both felt like we were not ready to leave our marriages... I have recommitted myself to my marriage

I get the impression that you still love your spouse, and will make that assumption in what follows. I haven't been married 15 years, so add salt to taste.

Falling in love is very exciting, and two of the reasons are that (1) it gives you the chance to discover so much about someone, and (2) you don't yet have to face all the difficulties and disappointments that any human being will eventually bring to the relationship.

My guess is that a lot of excitement came from noticing that this person didn't have many of the failings that your spouse, a human being, does. So I would suggest focusing on #2 -- follow up any fantasy you fall into about your coworker with thoughts about their failings that would drive you crazy (and spoil the fantasy), particularly in those areas where your spouse shines.
posted by Aknaton at 9:34 AM on May 28, 2005

quonsar:silly kids and your hormones. love isn't something you "fall into". it's something you work hard at. now go hug your spouse and next time you see this other person at work, tell yourself to grow up.

I *heart* quonsar. But I had to work really hard at it.

Anyway, the really cool thing about the marriage vow that I think loads of people forget, is that you never promise not to be interested in another person, or find another person attractive, or fantasize about what it would be like to be with another person. The cool thing is that you say, hey, there's probably a million people in the world that I could be happy with as my companion. But I found you, and I choose to be with only you for the rest of my life, because I care for you so deeply, I would never want to cause you any pain, and I love you.

It's not always easy to be monogamous, but it's a choice that many people commit to when they marry. I applaud anon's decision. My only advice - hang in there, love your spouse and children, and know that time will help what you're feeling now.
posted by ferociouskitty at 10:07 AM on May 28, 2005

love is an illusion. accept this, and move on.
posted by angry modem at 10:14 AM on May 28, 2005

nixerman: I don't know where guys got this silly idea that you can just confess your feelings to a girl and she'll fall into your arms--but really. Grow up.

dobbs: What a load of nonsense. Confessing your feelings and doing so in a way that is respectful of the other person is completely the way to go.


See, the thing is that life and people are complicated and not all alike. Some need to be wooed (which doesn't mean they're immature). Others need a more direct approach. Maturing is partly about learning how to read other people.
posted by Evangeline at 10:49 AM on May 28, 2005

Friendships and crushes can be a dime a dozen.
After 15 years of marriage, having a crush can feel like a brand new thing. It can make you feel like a teenager again, even.
But when it takes you there, back to feeling like a boy, you also have to be sure to remember all of the other crushes you had when you were young. Ask yourself, "How valuable were they?" Is it this person that you feel for or is it just that little rush of new feelings or temptation? Consider that you may not be "in love" with this person, rather that you're pursuing that feeling they give you.

Think of all the crushes you've had. Only one of them, just a single one, has wound up in 15 years of marriage, with children, no less. That's a magnificent, priceless thing that I (as well as many others) really look forward to.

Hold on to your crushes and your fantasies but be strict about remembering that they're just that. They're small fleeting things.
Here's something that I do:
Every time that I see a cute girl, talk to some girl who's kind of interesting, or if a girl tries to flirt with me, I tend to go along with it. It's still a little exciting, but I know that by the end of the encounter, I'll be taking the experience and comparing it to that which I have with my fiancee, and ultimately realizing what it is about her that I truly love and is unique to her.

Use your crush to remind yourself why you love your wife and your kids.
"Yeah, she's nice but she doesn't compare to my wife."
"Yeah, I like the time I spend with her but the time that I spend with my children is valuable and irreplaceable."

Is this "heartbreak" that you're feeling over this person even a fraction of the heartbreak you'd feel if you lost your family?


And Netzapper:
Man, I used to be just like you. The rejection, the poor-self image, being "the friend" for so long. Just keep trying, man. I have come to believe that there IS someone for everyone. You'll miss the bullseye more than you hit it. But if you keep shooting, it's inevitable.
I've discovered that if you're stuck in Just-a-Friend-Land and you're unsatisfied with it, to the point that you'd rather not be their friend if you can't be something more, the best and ONLY thing to do is speak up. They'll either understand or it'll destroy the friendship and free you.

You're worth much more than you think you are.

posted by Jon-o at 11:55 AM on May 28, 2005

Some need to be wooed

I wasn't suggesting they didn't need wooing or that confessing one's feelings is the way to win someone over--which in retrospect it looks like I was saying. What I meant was that hiding one's feelings is not the way to go about a relationship.

I think winning someone over is a combination of things that's pretty much different with each person, but a consistent among those things is being honest about how you feel.
posted by dobbs at 12:44 PM on May 28, 2005

Is this "heartbreak" that you're feeling over this person even a fraction of the heartbreak you'd feel if you lost your family?

I don't think it's fair to compare apples (anon's love for their spouse/family) and oranges (anon's love for the other person) here. Sometimes, the heart just wants what it wants. We are complex beings who are capable of loving and desiring deeply and mysteriously -- and sometimes that includes being in love with two people at once. Anon has already made the choice to remain with their spouse/family over ending the marriage (two marriages, actually) to be with the other person. None of that takes away from the deep, true, and decidely real grief of losing someone you love. Trying to minimize anon's pain by comparison to another type of pain (i.e., "well, you'd feel a whole lot worse if you left your spouse!") misses the point. Anon wants relief -- essentially saying "it could be worse" is cold comfort at best.

All of which leads me to Anon's question, for which I have precious few answers. Yes, time will heal a lot of this. I think speaking with a trusted friend (or therapist) about your grief could also help. Part of the burden of your loss is that you can't share it with anyone right now -- least of all your spouse! What an enormous weight that must be. You've lost someone dear to you, and you can't turn to either that person or your spouse for comfort as you grieve. This is unfamiliar territory to you -- not just because it's been 15 years since the last time you went through a breakup, but also because I'll wager that for that breakup, you got to go public with it in some way (commiserate with your friends, have people "take care" of you for awhile as you mourned its loss, etc.). This is a deep pain, and it's made deeper by keeping it secret.

So please, if you haven't already, share the secret with one person if you can -- again, I believe that should be someone you can trust completely to keep your confidence and to support you emotionally. Unburden your heart. Cry. Speak the person's name. Come to grips with what it was about that person you fell in love with (besides the excitement/thrill of that feeling of "newness"), and see if you can find some of those qualities in your relationship with your spouse or in other arenas of your life. Eventually you'll no longer be in love with this person, but it will take time. You may always miss them a little. And that's fine and natural -- they occupied a unique part of your heart.
posted by scody at 12:50 PM on May 28, 2005

anon: I had a friend in a similar, although not identical, situation. What caught my eye in your post was the comment that you have recommitted yourself to your marriage. This is a really critical thing (from my second-hand experience). I support the not-thinking-about-it advice (not dwelling on what I can't change has been a highly effective way to combat depression for me, personally).

I will add to it this: start a program of re-discovering what is good in your marriage. Pay attention to when you feel happy with your spouse, and do more of that activity. Notice when your spouse does things for you, and try to reciprocate. Start investing in the happiness you can create with the person you are not ready to leave. Doing this made a real difference for my friend, and the marriage is now stronger than I've ever seen it. My friend is also happy for the first time in years. At this point, (after some time apart) my friend is even able to maintain the friendship with the original other person.
posted by carmen at 1:49 PM on May 28, 2005

Netzapper: Somewhere on a stone tablet are carved these words, and all wise men heed them: Do not move in with a girl you already know unless a) you are gay, b) you feel no attraction to her whatsoever, c) she is already your girlfriend, or d) you are sure beyond any reasonable doubt that your attraction to her will never be an issue. And option D is pretty hard to read, because a lot of people have tried to rub it out.
posted by bingo at 4:06 PM on May 28, 2005

Netzapper, I have to put in here that what you've just done was plain bad manners. You've made this girl feel horribly uncomfortable, I'm sure, when she was your guest. You talk about her walking around half-clothed, sleeping ten feet away ... sounds like lust to me. Be honest with yourself. By 'telling her how you feel' you wanted something, didn't you? "In love" means a bit more than that.
On the other hand, she moved in three months ago? You've been used. She must have other friends in the area, the ones she is out with tonight? Is she working? in which case she could get a place of her own, or have you been supporting her in some way?
Quite often, Evil Girls will be fully aware of their effect on you, and throw you the "Just Friends" line after milking you for all you're worth. Fact of life.
Also, what Grumblebee said¹⁰.
posted by Catch at 8:19 PM on May 28, 2005

Since you have scrupulously avoided any pronouns that might establish gender for no obvious reason (you are, after all, anonymous), I wonder if you were contemplating a same-sex relationship outside of your (heterosexual) marriage. While you are 'recommitting' to your marriage, you never suggested that you are still in love with your spouse. . . which is telling. However, gay or straight: what if we meet our soul mate, our life partner, but we're already involved/committed/married to someone else?
posted by namret at 8:28 PM on May 28, 2005

Sorry - still replying to Netzapper (Derail)
But on a less harsh note, some advice - love is all over the place! There are hundreds of big-hearted girls in your personal orbit who spend 60% of their waking hours daydreaming about romance. After the first disastrous attempt, aged about 19, (Oh, the scars!) I have never fallen in love with an uber-handsome, Mr Perfect kind of guy. I've given a lot of love to (a few) WONDERFUL people. And I'm a super-hot babe ; )

You can get that rejection rate down by BEING LESS INTENSE, less "wanting". Tell yourself that all you want to do is ask ten girls with pixie smiles (or whatever turns you on) out for a coffee, and tell them they have a great pixie smile. (Or whatever). Then start practising wherever you go. Oh - one at a time!

By honestly starting out as an admirer you will never accidentally fall into "just a friend" category.
And by keeping it simple and non-demanding you won't pressure girls into rejecting you.
posted by Catch at 8:34 PM on May 28, 2005

The key is not in the other woman, but in yourself. Talking, therapy, whatever it takes, you have to figure out why you're not happy in your own marriage and what made you go outside to find what was missing. Only then with those answers can you deal with the other woman.

justgary's advice is by far the most valuable of the entire thread. You're not going to come to terms with what happened until you fully understand why it happened. All the rest of the advice here -- forget, move on, dismiss the whole thing as an adolescent crush, think positive thoughts about your family -- are just ways to avoid the reality of your own feelings.

You'll have to face up to your insatisfaction, or it'll eat away at you and your marriage for the rest of your life. If you really want to recommit, you have to be ready to discover your own unmet desires and needs, take them seriously, and find a way to work them out within yourself and with your wife.
posted by fuzz at 12:29 AM on May 29, 2005

Instead of focusing on negative things about yourself, your marriage, or the other person, focus on the positive. There are things about you that this other person found attractive. Find those things in yourself and treasure them. They are gifts. Then share them. If it is your compassion, be compassionate with your family (and recognize when you're doing so). If it is your sense of humor, realize this when you are joking and you will laugh maybe 10% harder. Use this as a chance to understand who you are and what you can do for others.

Remember, it's always better to have too much love than too much hate. Don't feel bad for being this way.
posted by Eideteker at 12:53 AM on May 29, 2005

Good point, nixerman. Generally, there has to be some wooing on someone's part.

I disagree. You can't 'convince' someone to be attracted to you. There's chemistry or there's not. Telling someone how you feel is good for you, as you will get it off your chest and find out whether there's a chance, but what nixerman's comment mean to me was, stop being so self-centered. It's not as if she chose to be attractive to you; she doesn't exist to turn men on. She's a real person, with her own real emotional and sexual longings, and it isn't some kind of voodoo she's throwing at you that yours & hers don't match up. You're both just dealing with the chemistry as it manifests. Sure, it sucks when someone doesn't respond to you the way you do to them. It even sucks, maybe more, when one party is sort of attracted and one is seriously attracted. But you can't get caught up in your own vortex of self-pity as if you're the only one who's dealt with this unfortunate circumstance. It isn't just about you becoming brave enough to express what you want. There are someone else's wants there, too.

Now and then, someone will feel so flattered by an expression of love that they will fall into the arms of the proclaimant, but this is a bad start in general. Be glad that's not how things went as they could certainly end much worse by that route... Instead, you just have to accept the chemical facts, as it were. Think of it like finding out someone's gay - not being in the category of attraction isn't necessarily personal. Of course, it can be personal, too, but if you are honestly happy with your personality, then you don't want someone who rejects it! So, basically, if you're more or less who you want to be, you can take rejection because it's either chemical bad luck, or the person wasn't who you wished they were to start with (not saying it's easy, but it's takable).
posted by mdn at 2:52 AM on May 29, 2005

love is so rare in life to not have sex with love will be a severe regret
posted by a thousand writers drunk at the keyboard at 7:43 AM on May 29, 2005

i love quonsar sometimes so much...people use the euphemistic "i totally fell in love with her!" to excuse behavior that while understandable is irresponsible and has predictably bad consequences. yeah.
posted by ifjuly at 9:21 PM on June 8, 2005