In or out?
August 2, 2011 3:26 PM Subscribe
What to do when you really want to make a go of it with someone?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
After spending my entire dating life dating a combination of bad (physically and emotionally abusive), mentally unwell, or ill-fitting people, I have met someone nice. Not boring. Funny, adventurous, kind, well-traveled, pleasantly nerdy, into the same things I'm into, and acts like a grownup. He is exactly the kind of person I (lady-type) would like to date. We are in our mid-30s.
For reasons I'm trying to tease out, I feel really anxious when I contemplate going out with him. (I'm usually ok in the actual date, but still feel a sense of relief when it's over, even though we always have fun -- good conversation, fun activities, making out.) I'm not sure how I feel about him and it's making me uncomfortable because I detest the thought of stringing him along or too-hastily deciding it won't work and missing out on someone awesome.
1) I wouldn't say I'm unboyfriendable, but my natural state is single or casual dating. I've been dropped on my head by relationships and been through some pretty traumatic stuff through other peoples' relationships (death, parents' 7-yr-long divorce). I take real relationships pretty seriously and am not good at seriously dating someone I'm kind of eh about. I feel inauthentic and icky. I'm in therapy to work on the trauma stuff I've been through, but therapist is out of town.
2) This guy is physically very different from past fellas, and I've dated a range. He's very tall and very heavy. I'm not usually attracted to very large people and I'm not sure I'm attracted to him, but that might develop. The idea of sleeping with him before I sort this out is unappealing, because he's looking for something serious, but we've been on several dates and I'm concerned he'll think I'm a weirdo if I don't move things forward soon.
3) He has told me that if his job didn't have drug testing, he'd smoke pot daily. (He's about to switch jobs, so this may be an issue sooner rather than later.) This level of use is an issue for me. FWIW, someone who drank a great deal would probably raise a concern for me too.
4) This great personality combination and compatability does not occur for me all that often, otherwise I wouldn't care whether it was relationship-phobia or lack of chemistry that was bugging me and I'd give up. I don't get many chances where even this much is a match with people in my geographical area.
Questions: Should I keep going out with him? Or is it not-nice to keep going when I'm so ambivalent? Have you any experience where you faced a similar situation?