Very complicated ... or not?
July 31, 2011 11:43 AM   Subscribe

Should I stay in the moment and enjoy it, or heed warning signs I'm already too familiar with? It's complicated ... or maybe it isn't. A lot ...

We lived together for 4 years, he asked me to marry him, got cold feet. We limped along for a while -- he shut down, I was hurt ... inevitable break-up. That was 2 years ago. I've dated half-heartedly, nothing else has come close to what we had. We've been in touch intermittently, but I'd finally come to see his commitment phobia as chronic and permanent and something I did not want to deal with, and was actually starting to enjoy going out with other men.

Until I was diagnosed with a serious, challenging and complex illness which is taking up all my psychic, physical and emotional energy ... and will continue to do so, probably for the rest of this year (the treatment is horrible but prognosis is good).

He contacted me out of the blue shortly after diagnosis, having had intense dreams about my well-being. We met up and he professed his deep love for me, and said he wanted to "be happy" again with a future together. He admitted to being in a relationship that was wrong for him, that he was navigating out of. If I were healthy, I would have said, Call me when you're out, and we'll see.

But I'm not healthy -- I'm sick and scared and weak, and it was absolutely wonderful to talk with him, laugh, have him looking out for me, show his desire for me, etc etc. He's great: sweet, loving, strong and smart. We are very compatible, intellectually, sexually and lifestyle-wise. On the other hand, he can be non-communicative, evasive, non-committal, fearful and downright absent when confronted.

For the last 3 months he has looked after me, helped me physically, financially and been emotionally supportive -- weekdays and weeknights. He is otherwise occupied on the weekends, "managing" towards a break-up with this other woman (and historically, he is one of those guys who breaks up by attrition rather than confrontation). We have limited or no contact for three days in a row. It seems to me if he's so madly in love with me, and I'm sick, nothing should keep him away. I've learned that during his time away from me, he's continued to share time with his family and this woman, participated in birthday celebrations, etc.

Yet I am conflicted -- I vacillate between being outraged about him coming to me when he's otherwise committed, and feeling philosophical about him winding down this other relationship, especially since I have days and nights when physically, I do better alone. But this isn't right, and I don't want to get hurt, especially now, and obviously I don't like being marginalized this way.

I can't help worrying about this a lot although I'm trying to stay in the moment (illness motivates). The days of distance, combined with our past history, breed mistrust. Right now, I don't trust him and of course, that should be the litmus test ... if I were healthy. If I were healthy, I would walk away. But. Right now, our time together puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling really down, he's mostly there when I need him, and having him on my team when he is around is a huge help. He says he wants a future together, which is something I want too. My friends and family are pretty much split down the middle: they like seeing me happy and distracted vs. why add this stress to the mix/they don't want to see me get hurt again.

He doesn't talk about what's going on with her (which is fine by me!) but we've agreed that he'll be out of this by August 1, tomorrow. I am fully expecting that he will fudge/dodge this deadline, put me off, no definitive anything, more "managing" this other thing. The silence this weekend is more deafening than usual, which is contributing to my anxiety.

My head hurts from this, and I need some objective perspectives.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
If he shows up after your deadline and hasn't ended his current relationship, end this situation immediately. And maybe even if he has.

The only way this can possibly proceed is if he ends his other relationship. "Managing toward a break-up" sounds like High Bullshit to me.

You deserve better.
posted by pupstocks at 11:52 AM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Seconding pupstocks. You have an illness to take care of; worrying about this man and his otherwise questionable depth of commitment to you is going to drain you of everything you muster.

He has flip-flopped and made excuses before. He hasn't made you a priority for years, and nothing - trust me, nothing - is going to inspire him to change how he treats you. Please lean on those who have committed to you their friendship and care, as they are the only people you can reliably count on.
posted by Ashen at 11:56 AM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]


Is there any way he could have found out about your illness? Did you post about it on support groups or anything? Facebook?

Not only do I think you are right that he will keep waffling on the breakup, but I'm worried about your safety.
posted by tel3path at 11:57 AM on July 31, 2011


I don't want to doubt the power, intensity, and closeness of the connection you shared when you were originially together. It sounds like he missed that when he realised how much of that was lacking in his current relationship.

But being with two people at once is not okay. Especially if one of them is chronically ill - and I speak as someone with a severe chronic illness - then the stakes are different. Chronic illness fucks you up mentally and physcially, and distorts your ability to make decisions and live your life.

You said that if you were healthy you wouldn't even consider it. It doesn't sound like this illness will be a lifetime of debilitating illness; so act accordingly. If he breaks up with her tomorrow and you decide that EVEN AS A FULLY HEALTHY PERSON you want him in your life, then go for it. If you can't say that, then don't set yourself up for more heartbreak down the road, potentially when you're still fighting this disease.

I know how nice it is to have someone there to hold your hand when you're brought low by disease. But I also know what it's like to be in that state and have someone betray your trust and walk away. It's far worse than being alone, I promise you.
posted by guster4lovers at 12:11 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Does the smile he puts on your face outweigh the anxiety he's putting you through in your time of illness?
posted by namesarehard at 12:43 PM on July 31, 2011


i was not in the exact situation, but maybe what happened to me can help you find your answer.

after five years of being unhappily married, we finally ended it. at 30, i felt like my life was finally about to start. i ditched him and declared it the beginning of my "decade of hedonism."

it lasted three months.

i was diagnosed with a serious, chronic disease and shortly thereafter was no longer able to work. i was terrified, sick, had lost my job, lost my friends with the job (separate story), lost my boyfriend with the friends and the job (another separate story) and even my cats had died (seriously. both - one the week i was diagnosed, one the week i left on disability).

a friend said this: "too bad you already broke up; who else would put up with all this?"

thank santa i didn't listen to that friend... the ex would have taken great care of me at first, but then the rest of my life would have been me taking care of him. people are who they are. in all likelihood, your relationship will eventually go back to what it was; right now is the honeymoon period of him feeling needed, etc - and he's still cheating and uncommunicative.

i have been thankful every single day that we broke up before i got sick. guilt and fear would have kept me with him - and that is no way to live. 10 years later, my life is difficult and my health is shit - but i'm so much happier than i've ever been.

also - you don't really have to be in a relationship with him for him to be helpful to you. i would allow him to be in my life as a friend and see how it shaped up. but you have enough else on your plate to be worrying about whatever he is and isn't doing. it'll be a measure of his mettle, if he's able to support you without strings attached.

feel free to pm me. (trying to keep this on the short side, but i'm happy to offer more details privately.)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 1:01 PM on July 31, 2011 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry to say that it doesn't look like he has changed all that much. People do change, and the easiest way to tell the sincerity of that change is if they actually do things differently than they used to. He's doing things much like he did before (i.e. breaks up by attrition rather than confrontation) and in the process is setting you up for major heartbreak.

I think you should at least consider the possibility that his help, support and affection are more for his benefit that for yours. He gets to be the great guy here - he can take all the credit for swooping in just when you needed someone but, so far, does not have to make any of the hard choices about committing to someone who is clearly both vulnerable and in love. He gets all of the kudos with none of the risk. Yet the stakes for you are quite high.

Deep, powerful connections do not and can not stand independently of how far both people are willing to go to nurture, honor and cultivate that connection. All of his actions suggest he is not willing to go that far to honor the relationship you two have or treat his current girlfriend with the respect she deserves.

As hard as it is to do while you're vulnerable, pay little attention to what he says and more attention to what he does. Right now there is not much integrity to what he is doing. He is cheating and you're the other woman.

Be wary of people who give you just enough of what you need to stick around, but not enough for you to feel secure. A admitted commitment phobe who still behaves like a commitment phobe is a pretty good predictor of someone who will continue to behave like a commitment phobe.

I think you already know everything you need to know about what to do with this relationship and suspect you are strong enough to weather this illness without him. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by space_cookie at 1:06 PM on July 31, 2011 [6 favorites]


If I were healthy, I would walk away. But. Right now, our time together puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling really down, he's mostly there when I need him, and having him on my team when he is around is a huge help.

Makes sense to me. I do feel like it is kind of shitty of him to offer you a half-assed relationship when you are vulnerable and more likely to put up with a certain amount of nonsense. But on the other hand, he is offering you things you need, so if he is using you or whatever, I don't think it is so awful wrong to use him in return to get some of what you need. (And I don't mean for the word "use" to sound ugly, but just that some people can serve a purpose in addition to your being fond of them, you know?)

He says he wants a future together, which is something I want too.

This is where you are likely to get hurt. Can you put off thinking about a possible future with him for now, and revisit the idea later once you are healthy? Maybe by then he'll be out of the current relationship, or maybe not, but a few months down the road you'll have a better idea of what he's really interested in doing and can better evaluate how you feel about it then.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:33 PM on July 31, 2011


First, I'm sorry you have this illness and the accompanying distress. Like others above, I've been there as well.

To me, this boils down to: a three-month long breakup is the biggest bunch of malarkey I've ever heard. Sorry. He's full of sh*t and he's trying to work out how to date two people at the same time. And no doubt there are times when he's wonderful and he puts a smile on your face. And then he leaves you, satisfied that you're happy, and he goes a puts a smile on the face of someone else.

You deserve better. Just tell him it's over and cut off all contact. And get better soon.
posted by kinetic at 3:44 PM on July 31, 2011


After reading your first paragraph, I wanted to tell you that I don't think relationships ever recover from the un-engagement, and you would be wise to direct your energy towards moving on rather than rebuilding.

Reading the rest of your question, all I could say was, "Oh, no. No no no no."

I mean, if you're feeling so self-confident that you think you could use this guy and toss him aside once you're well, that's probably about what he deserves, and you'd be justified in giving it to him. But that confidence is not coming through in your post. Look: there is no such thing as "managing a breakup" for three months. That's called, he has a girlfriend, and she's not you and probably never will be. This guy is a dicklord. Delete his number from your phone and reach out to your friends and family for support through your illness.
posted by milk white peacock at 6:05 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm so sorry you are ill and feel weak. I totally understand your deep need of someone to help shoulder the burden and lighten both the load and the mood. I don't know how much strength I could muster in your position.

But I worry that against your own better judgement you are placing your trust in someone who might not deserve it.

Apart from the fact that he is betraying his current girlfriend, I worry that he is betraying you by not being truthful about his relationship status. Just where does his girlfriend think he is during the week?

Most of all I worry that you will come to rely even more on him, begin to really lean on him as your mainstay, allow yourself to become truly dependant on his support - and then he flakes.
posted by likeso at 6:39 PM on July 31, 2011


Remember that he is saying I am no longer afraid of commitment even as he is cheating on his current partner.
posted by moxiedoll at 6:47 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]


Your body is sick and you have no control over that, but your character is yours, and you're either a person who will be a mistress to a man who has an unwitting girlfriend, or you're not. Sick or no, you have the capacity to behave with integrity towards yourself and towards other people. Only you can decide what your integrity is worth to you.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:49 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Please don't do this to his current girlfriend...
I know you are sick and unhappy, but you are hanging onto another woman's boyfriend. It is not fair to her. Unless he has cleanly broken off his relationship with her, you are hurting her by being involved with him. Framing his actions with phrases like ""managing" towards a break-up with this other woman" and "one of those guys who breaks up by attrition rather than confrontation", you're excusing his behavior and downplaying the effect and consequences of what he (and you) are doing. This is not all about you.
You can be stronger and better than this.
posted by aielen at 8:04 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


You're sick and you're scared (I'm really sorry)... I think the last thing you need right now is someone who is so decidedly uncommitted to you. He has already shown you (times ten) that he will not be there for you when you need him. Maybe he's feeling guilty right now, or maybe he wants to be the hero and still have a relationship on the side, I don't know. It doesn't really matter what his deal is.

What does matter is that you are a thinking, feeling, delightful individual who has a lot to give. You deserve someone who is committed 110%. Don't be discouraged that you haven't found it yet. Nobody finds the right person until they do.

In the meantime, you really need to be strong right now. Seek help from family members and other friends. Tell him to take a hike and stop messing with your head. Like other commenters above, I call bullshit on the whole "winding down" a relationship thing. "My dear, I really like you, but it's not going to work out." Or how about, "I'm breaking up with you." Or there's the classic, "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

It's really not any more complicated than that. He didn't break up with her, because he didn't want to. Period, the end. Don't allow him to get away with any other nonsense explanation. It's not good for him, or for you, or for anybody.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I just don't want you to waste any more time on someone who's going to end up making you feel worse.
posted by eleyna at 8:41 PM on July 31, 2011


Anonymous, you're really putting the "dependent" in "co-dependent" with this relationship. If you DTMFA, you won't be happier, but you will be better. And after awhile, being better may just be all you need to be happy.
posted by paulsc at 9:20 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Geeze, girl. (Or boy.)

I had a very long term affair with a married man. I totally get the "fully there when he's there, not at all available when he's not" thing. And how it's sad and frustrating and yet so perfect when he is there. And how you knew what the deal was when you signed up. And how nobody ever said this would be easy. All of it.

From my experience, I think he's stalling because he doesn't want to make this really hard, really painful choice that will bring destruction to at least one party. My uh, affair partner dragged things out until I made the choice he couldn't and ended it. Looking back, I don't think he ever would have ended either relationship on his own. (People typically ascribe a lot of motivations involving cake and eating it, but fwiw I never felt that way and have a different emotional narrative. YMMV.)

To be totally blunt, you can do two things when he inevitably fails to meet the deadline. One, you can decide fuck it, you're already engaged in morally questionable territory, and carry on to get what you need from this relationship until you are recovered and less in need of support. This will require a little more emotional distance than you may be capable of sustaining and the door to this choice is marked PERIL. I hung out in that limbo for a long time and it was... not healthy. It also retarded my future.

Two, you can say "I'm sorry you were unable to make the break. Feel free to let me know if you ever do. Until then, I wish you well but don't contact me." The door to this path is frankly marked LONELY. It was exceedingly hard to walk though for me but a decade later, I am so fucking glad I did.

Warning: He may well turn up with a story about how they moved so much closer to the breakup point this weekend, how it was hard and brutal, how she just needs a little more time to get used to the idea, etc. Whatever; hand him a hankie and don't play that game. See option 2, above, and stick with that.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:59 PM on August 1, 2011


I too, have a serious illness, and I've had that panicky feeling when I'm faced with dealing all on my own. I've also had the "if only I were healthy" inner monologue about how things would be different.

And I can absolutely, with great certainty, tell you that it is not easier to be in a flawed relationship. Worrying and having relationship problems are physically taxing, not just mentally, especially if you have limited physical resources to begin with.

Doing the right thing can be oh-so-hard when the short-term payoff seems worth it. In other words, having someone fetching and carrying or accompanying you to the doctor right now is more attractive than sleepless nights later. Trust me when I say those sleepless nights would catch up with you.

You mentioned that this started THREE MONTHS ago, and he hasn't managed to break it off yet. Can you really respect someone like that?

Ultimately, you'll have to make a decision, to go all in or all out. If you do cash in your chips, don't see this guy again, even on a friendly basis. Doing so will make this too hard, given that you're in a vulnerable position. Find something else to focus on. Cultivate your friendships with the limited energy that you have, preferably with friends who try to understand what this illness is doing to you. Look around for support groups. I spent years thinking that support groups for the chronically ill would be full of whiny losers, or at the very least, be counter-productive to getting on with my life. I was pleasantly surprised that the experience turned out to be good, and not at all as I'd imagined. But above all, find other things to occupy your mind. Cultivate an interest in any engrossing hobby that you can do. And in fact, even if you do stay with the guy, this would be useful, because right now you're the girl who sits around waiting for the call. Do you really want to be that girl?
posted by thelastcamel at 10:33 PM on August 3, 2011


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