How do I go about deciding whether I want kids or not?
July 25, 2011 12:15 PM Subscribe
How do I go about deciding whether I want kids or not? I'm 38 going on 39. I'm female and I'm single. I live in NYC. And I have no idea if I want to have children. How do I go about truly understanding what I want?
(Anonymous because my username is the same across the web)
I believe part of why I have no idea whether I want kids comes from not having experienced good relationships where I could explore this thought. I haven't had a lot of relationships and the ones I did have weren't all healthy. My last significant relationship ended when I was 32 and I found myself devastated and I gave up. I focused on work, coming home, watching TV and it turned into a routine. The next thing I know, 6 years went by.
I "woke up" 3 months ago. I'm working hard to expose myself to new people, build friendships and want to start dating again. But, I've also entered into a panic. It's like I woke up, saw that I've wasted 6 years of prime adulthood, and am scrambling to catch up and I am scared, scared, scared. Scared that I'm not going to find a life partner, scared that I'm too old, and scared that I won't know if I want kids until after I biologically can't have them.
Yet, I truly don't know if I want kids. I like them. I think I'd be a good mom. But, there's no biological clock ticking in my ear. I don't feel longing when I see a baby, but I do love kids and talking with them. I'm an only child. I'd like to pass on what I know, raise a child better than I was, leave this Earth seeing a bit of myself in another human being.
I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I would love advice on how I go about understanding what I want. How do I find out one way or the other whether I want kids?
throwaway email: papertigers73@hotmail.com
(Anonymous because my username is the same across the web)
I believe part of why I have no idea whether I want kids comes from not having experienced good relationships where I could explore this thought. I haven't had a lot of relationships and the ones I did have weren't all healthy. My last significant relationship ended when I was 32 and I found myself devastated and I gave up. I focused on work, coming home, watching TV and it turned into a routine. The next thing I know, 6 years went by.
I "woke up" 3 months ago. I'm working hard to expose myself to new people, build friendships and want to start dating again. But, I've also entered into a panic. It's like I woke up, saw that I've wasted 6 years of prime adulthood, and am scrambling to catch up and I am scared, scared, scared. Scared that I'm not going to find a life partner, scared that I'm too old, and scared that I won't know if I want kids until after I biologically can't have them.
Yet, I truly don't know if I want kids. I like them. I think I'd be a good mom. But, there's no biological clock ticking in my ear. I don't feel longing when I see a baby, but I do love kids and talking with them. I'm an only child. I'd like to pass on what I know, raise a child better than I was, leave this Earth seeing a bit of myself in another human being.
I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I would love advice on how I go about understanding what I want. How do I find out one way or the other whether I want kids?
throwaway email: papertigers73@hotmail.com
Do you have friends with kids? It would be helpful to spend some time with parents and kids to see how it really is to have them; I think sometimes people romanticize what it's like to have kids, just imagine all the Hallmark moments they're going to have with them, rather than thinking about the day to day grind and massive responsibility involved. Personally, I don't think you should have them unless you feel really ready to make the commitment. I never felt the craving, never wanted to go through the hassle, so I never had them, and I'm really happy about that decision.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 12:21 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 12:21 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Someone posted this awhile ago, a link to "Why Breed?" I thought it was interesting and addresses some of your comments/questions; however, it's only the anti-breeding perspective...
posted by foxhat10 at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by foxhat10 at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011
Spend a few months being the go-to babysitter for all of your friends with kids.
posted by Jairus at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Jairus at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Please keep in mind there are other very meaningful ways to have kids without having your own. Is the question that you want your own biological children, or children in general? If you don't have the biological constraint, then you are not operating on some urgent timeline.
Being scared and rushed is never a good way to take on such responsibility. I think there seems to be other things in your life you might want to focus on first (not saying you need a partner, however - don't take it that way). You need to be comfortable and satisfied with yourself. Of course, not all parents start off that way but if you have the option, you should try. For yourself and for any future off-spring.
posted by quodlibet at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Being scared and rushed is never a good way to take on such responsibility. I think there seems to be other things in your life you might want to focus on first (not saying you need a partner, however - don't take it that way). You need to be comfortable and satisfied with yourself. Of course, not all parents start off that way but if you have the option, you should try. For yourself and for any future off-spring.
posted by quodlibet at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
You need to spend time with actual children. Do any of your friends have kids? Invite yourself over. Offer to babysit. A lot. Ask your friends point blank what it's been like to have kids, and how they'd have felt if they had to raise said kids alone. Ask about what they've given up, what they wouldn't trade for the world, what they weren't prepared for. Some parents are sunshine and roses about how great kids are, but most are brutally honest about how damn hard it is to raise another human being.
Right now your ruminations on having children sound very abstract. This is normal for someone who's been alone and independent for a solid 6 years, but you need to mire yourself in the concrete world of children (the tantrums, the bills, the childcare expenses, the playground politics, public vs. private schools) by seeing how real families operate.
I'm a nanny, and while I love my job, I had no freaking idea how stressful raising children (especially in NYC, where I work) can be. My professional experience, in which my "co-workers" are usually just other moms at the playground, has made me seriously consider having children in the next 5 years, if ever. And I adore children on a visceral, passionate level. Most people don't know how stressful kids are until they have their own - that's probably a biological imperative - but definitely DO YOUR RESEARCH to make sure you're up for raising a family by yourself in New York City. It's hard no matter what, but you've got a few big caveats to consider.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:25 PM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Right now your ruminations on having children sound very abstract. This is normal for someone who's been alone and independent for a solid 6 years, but you need to mire yourself in the concrete world of children (the tantrums, the bills, the childcare expenses, the playground politics, public vs. private schools) by seeing how real families operate.
I'm a nanny, and while I love my job, I had no freaking idea how stressful raising children (especially in NYC, where I work) can be. My professional experience, in which my "co-workers" are usually just other moms at the playground, has made me seriously consider having children in the next 5 years, if ever. And I adore children on a visceral, passionate level. Most people don't know how stressful kids are until they have their own - that's probably a biological imperative - but definitely DO YOUR RESEARCH to make sure you're up for raising a family by yourself in New York City. It's hard no matter what, but you've got a few big caveats to consider.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:25 PM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Single Mothers by Choice might be a great resource for you. A lot of their efforts are around supporting women in the "thinking" questioning stage you're in, regardless of the eventual, individual decisions. I know there is a very active NYC chapter, and it might be a good way for you to look at the full range of options in ways to create families while you consider whether you want to at all.
FWIW my partner and I are 38 and have no kids and no plans to have any. It took me a long time to be at peace with that path. My sister just turned 40 with her 14-week-old Single Mothers by Choice infant at her side. It took her as long if not longer to reach that decision. Both choices are OK but it's nice to have some help making them along the way.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on July 25, 2011
FWIW my partner and I are 38 and have no kids and no plans to have any. It took me a long time to be at peace with that path. My sister just turned 40 with her 14-week-old Single Mothers by Choice infant at her side. It took her as long if not longer to reach that decision. Both choices are OK but it's nice to have some help making them along the way.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on July 25, 2011
I don't know how you are for work or where you live, but I grew up lower-middle class with a single mom in Brooklyn. I was pretty much raised and cared for by my grandparents until about high school when I spent a majority of my time alone or with my friends. My mom spent most of her time at work or school to keep us afloat (and, eventually, buy us a coop) and came home at about eight or nine.
posted by griphus at 12:26 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by griphus at 12:26 PM on July 25, 2011
Personally, I don't think this is the kind of thing you "go about deciding." Whether to have kids, yes, but whether you want them? Not really. If you don't know that you want them at this point, I think you're in the "would be fine if it happened, but also fine if it didn't" category. I can only speak from my own experience, but I didn't want them at all until I was about 24, and then it was like I was taken over by this outside force (well, inside force) and I WANTED THEM. I thought it would subside over time, but it's gotten worse. It was not an intellectual decision, though I could support it with reasoned arguments now if I had to. It's more like being thirsty or exhausted - very physical. It's actually sort of horrible, wanting something so much that you know you will probably never get to have. So my initial instinct is to say to you, if you haven't felt that, just be happy that you could handle whatever happened, either way, and go about your life as you have been.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:39 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:39 PM on July 25, 2011
Advice to go out and babysit other people's children is pretty useless. How you feel about your own child and how you feel about other people's children are utterly unrelated.
When the idea was presented to me I (never having felt strongly in either direction) thought "Well, I'm not so big on babies, but I like children. Okay, sure." But my baby was a remarkable infant, totally unlike any other baby the world had ever seen...
Are you tired of your life being all about you? That's a good thing to ruminate on. Would you welcome self-sacrifice, or resent it?
posted by kmennie at 12:42 PM on July 25, 2011 [19 favorites]
When the idea was presented to me I (never having felt strongly in either direction) thought "Well, I'm not so big on babies, but I like children. Okay, sure." But my baby was a remarkable infant, totally unlike any other baby the world had ever seen...
Are you tired of your life being all about you? That's a good thing to ruminate on. Would you welcome self-sacrifice, or resent it?
posted by kmennie at 12:42 PM on July 25, 2011 [19 favorites]
I didn't particularly like looking after other people's kids - it IS really stressful - in part because you are NOT the mom. Being the mom is totally different - its like being a key that finds the right lock. You pick your child up, and she stops crying... because you are her mom. Being the nanny is often struggling to pick the lock. So, be the neighborhood babysitter if you like, but keep in mind, its much much less stressful to be the actual parent (and you love them beyond breathing so... even when they are impossible you manage)
posted by zia at 12:45 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by zia at 12:45 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
This may sound like some cold comfort, but it's how I parsed this question --
The one and only time in my life when I really felt like I wanted kids was when I was in the midst of a particular relationship. A close-call pregnancy scare made us suddenly realize we kind of liked the idea of potentially having kids together "someday". I'd never really thought about having kids before then -- so I was surprised at this reaction and talked to some of my friends about it. Someone told me what her mother had told her -- that she didn't know she wanted kids until she met the man she wanted to have them with. Maybe that's what was going on with me, she said. And that's probably what it was, because when that guy broke up with me, part of what faded as I was getting over him was that urge to have children. I still feel, and always did feel, a lot of the same things you're feeling -- I like kids, but I'm not dying to have one.
So ultimately I decided that that was my subconscious' way of telling me that I knew I would need a very specific kind of partner to have kids with, and if I didn't have the right kind of guy it'd be something I couldn't handle. I wouldn't want my kids to have a crappy set of parents; I'd want us to be a good team. So whether or not I had kids would be something I left to fate -- that is, whether or not I have kids will depend on whether or not I ever meet someone else I want to have kids with.
It's kind of a Zen approach to the question, yeah. And at my age, this may mean that if I ever do end up saying "yes" to motherhood it'll have to be through adoption now. But I think it far better to remain childless, than to decide that "I have to have kids or else" and then do a half-assed job of it. In the meantime, I have a niece and in a couple days I will have a nephew, and I talk to kids in my neighborhood, and that's great too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on July 25, 2011 [12 favorites]
The one and only time in my life when I really felt like I wanted kids was when I was in the midst of a particular relationship. A close-call pregnancy scare made us suddenly realize we kind of liked the idea of potentially having kids together "someday". I'd never really thought about having kids before then -- so I was surprised at this reaction and talked to some of my friends about it. Someone told me what her mother had told her -- that she didn't know she wanted kids until she met the man she wanted to have them with. Maybe that's what was going on with me, she said. And that's probably what it was, because when that guy broke up with me, part of what faded as I was getting over him was that urge to have children. I still feel, and always did feel, a lot of the same things you're feeling -- I like kids, but I'm not dying to have one.
So ultimately I decided that that was my subconscious' way of telling me that I knew I would need a very specific kind of partner to have kids with, and if I didn't have the right kind of guy it'd be something I couldn't handle. I wouldn't want my kids to have a crappy set of parents; I'd want us to be a good team. So whether or not I had kids would be something I left to fate -- that is, whether or not I have kids will depend on whether or not I ever meet someone else I want to have kids with.
It's kind of a Zen approach to the question, yeah. And at my age, this may mean that if I ever do end up saying "yes" to motherhood it'll have to be through adoption now. But I think it far better to remain childless, than to decide that "I have to have kids or else" and then do a half-assed job of it. In the meantime, I have a niece and in a couple days I will have a nephew, and I talk to kids in my neighborhood, and that's great too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on July 25, 2011 [12 favorites]
...scared that I won't know if I want kids until after I biologically can't have them.Keep in mind that huge financial incentives drive the development of fertility technology, so tremendous igenuity will be brought be bear on extending the age at which people can have kids.
Also, to balance the fear out on the other side, keep in mind that the world is a bloody mess at the moment, particularly the US. For a sense of what it was like to raise kids in the great depression, the early chapters of Gone to Soldiers might give you food for thought. (The author didn't raise kids then, but she was one.) The importance of this consideration depends on how stable your income or the income of your notional partner is.
posted by Coventry at 12:47 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sometimes you don't know what you want until you've got it.
No, that's not right. I'll try again.
Sometimes you don't know that something you don't want will in fact be wonderful until you've got it.
I didn't want kids. Neither did wo is she. But then a kid happened, and that forced us to truly engage with the question in a way we never had. We decided it didn't sound like such a bad idea after all. It wasn't.
I'm not really answering your question here. But that's because "do I want kids?" isn't actually the right question. (And a nod to DestinationUnknown on preview.)
Asking whether you "want" to have a child seems terribly... I don't know. Consumerist. It suggests that the choice revolves around you. It doesn't. It revolves around the proposed human being. If you're bringing a new person into the world you need to be doing it for that person, not for yourself. Don't have a child to fill a hole in your life. Do it because you've got wonder and joy to spare. Do it because you welcome the prospect of helping to equip a new human with the necessary tools to live a good life. Do it because you're adult enough to make the biggest commitment you ever will.
posted by wo is me at 12:53 PM on July 25, 2011 [11 favorites]
No, that's not right. I'll try again.
Sometimes you don't know that something you don't want will in fact be wonderful until you've got it.
I didn't want kids. Neither did wo is she. But then a kid happened, and that forced us to truly engage with the question in a way we never had. We decided it didn't sound like such a bad idea after all. It wasn't.
I'm not really answering your question here. But that's because "do I want kids?" isn't actually the right question. (And a nod to DestinationUnknown on preview.)
Asking whether you "want" to have a child seems terribly... I don't know. Consumerist. It suggests that the choice revolves around you. It doesn't. It revolves around the proposed human being. If you're bringing a new person into the world you need to be doing it for that person, not for yourself. Don't have a child to fill a hole in your life. Do it because you've got wonder and joy to spare. Do it because you welcome the prospect of helping to equip a new human with the necessary tools to live a good life. Do it because you're adult enough to make the biggest commitment you ever will.
posted by wo is me at 12:53 PM on July 25, 2011 [11 favorites]
Perhaps consider investigating foster care? If you get beyond your biological ability to have kids, it doesn't mean that you can't still be a parent. Foster kids generally bring a host of issues with them, but they desperately, desperately need caring, responsible adults. Do some research, consider doing a Big Sister type program.
FWIW, I plan on becoming a foster parent once I finish grad school and have a year or two to knock down the debt. I'll be around your age by then.
posted by smirkette at 12:56 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I plan on becoming a foster parent once I finish grad school and have a year or two to knock down the debt. I'll be around your age by then.
posted by smirkette at 12:56 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you haven't already seen it, this similar ask question led to an awesome discussion with lots of responses.
posted by crabintheocean at 1:02 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by crabintheocean at 1:02 PM on July 25, 2011
Therapy really helped me to answer the question of whether I wanted kids. Or rather, it helped me explore the question to realize I had a more nuanced answer inside me than, "maybe if I were in the right relationship, but I don't think so". The answer is still "no", but as a woman of 39 who'd begun to question myself, I feel much more comfortable knowing the ambivalences and nuances to my "no".
posted by ldthomps at 1:05 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by ldthomps at 1:05 PM on July 25, 2011
I don't have an answer for you, but can share my experience.
I focused on work, coming home, watching TV and it turned into a routine. The next thing I know, 6 years went by.
This is essentially what I realized when I decided to have a baby at 34. I'd been married 8 years already and always thought I'd have a child some day, but was simply never ready to dive in.
My first pregnancy was ectopic. I was fortunate it was caught early and the Fallopian tube was unscarred. When I conceived again six months later the egg came through the same tube.
I was so elated at my little bundle of happiness that I desperately wanted her to have a sibling. I had a second baby almost immediately following my first - they're 13 months apart. Once again, from the same lucky tube as the first.
posted by Dragonness at 1:05 PM on July 25, 2011
I focused on work, coming home, watching TV and it turned into a routine. The next thing I know, 6 years went by.
This is essentially what I realized when I decided to have a baby at 34. I'd been married 8 years already and always thought I'd have a child some day, but was simply never ready to dive in.
My first pregnancy was ectopic. I was fortunate it was caught early and the Fallopian tube was unscarred. When I conceived again six months later the egg came through the same tube.
I was so elated at my little bundle of happiness that I desperately wanted her to have a sibling. I had a second baby almost immediately following my first - they're 13 months apart. Once again, from the same lucky tube as the first.
posted by Dragonness at 1:05 PM on July 25, 2011
At this point, I suggest not. It is not a matter of whether or not we want kids, but whether they want US.
As and adoptee, a retired elementary school principal, and father of three, I can assert that raising children is the single most difficult and life changing thing we do.
I think also that children should not be the reason for seeking love, but the outgrowth of it.
In my opinion, raising kids well is infinitely more difficult these days than when I grew up. I literally left the house at 7am and didn't return until dinner. And this was in Chicago. No Montessori, no day camps, no anything. Cell phone? Hah! My parents assumed I was safe and somehow, I was. I had a stay at home mother.
That cannot be replicated these days. I couldn't and I raised my kids in a log cabin in remote Idaho.
I have no doubt you would be a good mother. But, there will be little expanding of horizons and engaging with new people (other than new parents) with child. We (my ex and I) lost most of our childless friends when we had kids.
I am presently observing my son and his wife with my first grandchild, a month and a half old. They are terrific parents. With a new 24/7 job. And they are both working professionals.
As an educator, I've served thousands of well off, but "needy" kids and their exhausted parents.
Serve yourself first and well. Because of parenting and working, I am in a similar situation as you. At 63. Single and retired, I am just beginning to reengage with the world. It has been a 30 year, wild freakin' ride...
Godspeed to you...
posted by private_idaho at 1:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
As and adoptee, a retired elementary school principal, and father of three, I can assert that raising children is the single most difficult and life changing thing we do.
I think also that children should not be the reason for seeking love, but the outgrowth of it.
In my opinion, raising kids well is infinitely more difficult these days than when I grew up. I literally left the house at 7am and didn't return until dinner. And this was in Chicago. No Montessori, no day camps, no anything. Cell phone? Hah! My parents assumed I was safe and somehow, I was. I had a stay at home mother.
That cannot be replicated these days. I couldn't and I raised my kids in a log cabin in remote Idaho.
I have no doubt you would be a good mother. But, there will be little expanding of horizons and engaging with new people (other than new parents) with child. We (my ex and I) lost most of our childless friends when we had kids.
I am presently observing my son and his wife with my first grandchild, a month and a half old. They are terrific parents. With a new 24/7 job. And they are both working professionals.
As an educator, I've served thousands of well off, but "needy" kids and their exhausted parents.
Serve yourself first and well. Because of parenting and working, I am in a similar situation as you. At 63. Single and retired, I am just beginning to reengage with the world. It has been a 30 year, wild freakin' ride...
Godspeed to you...
posted by private_idaho at 1:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
My wife and I are 31, and we're expecting our first in less than a month. We're pretty solidly siding with excitement about being parents, but there is still some doubt and worry.
Before my wife met me, she said she hadn't really thought about getting married or having kids. We really clicked, and are rather fond of each-other, and then we got married. We had talked about kids, and thought we'd like to start sooner than later, but we were freaked out about the life changes that would mean, as we enjoyed our self-centered lifestyles.
We volunteered with kids in different ways - some after-school tutoring, so kid-focused events, some volunteering at a juvenile detention center. We talked more about kids, and about fostering. Skip the pregnancy, the birth, the period when they can't even talk to you, get right to someone you can reason with (to a degree). There were some awesome kids who were in messy situations. Sometimes they'd ask if we ever wanted to be foster parents, and said we'd be great. Some day, some day, we said.
We decided to try for a kid, and it worked, and we're still freaked out about what will change. And then there are the physical changes my wife is going through, which I cannot describe, as I'm not her. Foster kids will wait for now, we'll work on our little guy first.
Recently we met a friend we hadn't seen in a while, and she has a kid. She was stoked on the little guy, and while she talked positively of the dad, it doesn't sound like she's tied to the father. She was more reserved about being a mom, as she is 5+ years older than we are, but she loves her son.
As for your adult relationships, with marriage and whatnot - a co-worker of mine jumped at the chance to get married to a guy who seems like a weird fit for her, but she said that this was her last chance. She is only in her 40s, whereas one of my grandfathers re-married in his late 50s, and was happily married for two decades. His second wife dealt with him through his slow decline, and clearly loved him all the while.
In short, there are many ways to have a kid, and no time limit on when you can find your match, and you can probably make it work for both. But no one can tell you how having a kid will change your life, or how much you'll love or hate it, or when you should push to find your partner. Don't feel like you have to force either, because both work out in all sorts of situations, as people are mentioning in this thread.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:23 PM on July 25, 2011
Before my wife met me, she said she hadn't really thought about getting married or having kids. We really clicked, and are rather fond of each-other, and then we got married. We had talked about kids, and thought we'd like to start sooner than later, but we were freaked out about the life changes that would mean, as we enjoyed our self-centered lifestyles.
We volunteered with kids in different ways - some after-school tutoring, so kid-focused events, some volunteering at a juvenile detention center. We talked more about kids, and about fostering. Skip the pregnancy, the birth, the period when they can't even talk to you, get right to someone you can reason with (to a degree). There were some awesome kids who were in messy situations. Sometimes they'd ask if we ever wanted to be foster parents, and said we'd be great. Some day, some day, we said.
We decided to try for a kid, and it worked, and we're still freaked out about what will change. And then there are the physical changes my wife is going through, which I cannot describe, as I'm not her. Foster kids will wait for now, we'll work on our little guy first.
Recently we met a friend we hadn't seen in a while, and she has a kid. She was stoked on the little guy, and while she talked positively of the dad, it doesn't sound like she's tied to the father. She was more reserved about being a mom, as she is 5+ years older than we are, but she loves her son.
As for your adult relationships, with marriage and whatnot - a co-worker of mine jumped at the chance to get married to a guy who seems like a weird fit for her, but she said that this was her last chance. She is only in her 40s, whereas one of my grandfathers re-married in his late 50s, and was happily married for two decades. His second wife dealt with him through his slow decline, and clearly loved him all the while.
In short, there are many ways to have a kid, and no time limit on when you can find your match, and you can probably make it work for both. But no one can tell you how having a kid will change your life, or how much you'll love or hate it, or when you should push to find your partner. Don't feel like you have to force either, because both work out in all sorts of situations, as people are mentioning in this thread.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:23 PM on July 25, 2011
To be honest, given that the world has plenty of kids already, I think you could be comfortable listening to the fact that you don't seem to have a biological imperative sounding off like an alarm. I've gone through my 39 years without that imperative, and I've been comfortable with that decision. It hasn't even felt that much like a decision, to be honest--just something that WAS, the way my eyes are green and my legs are long. I know at one point I had to say "this is it" to someone else (my husband, who would have been willing to have a child with me if I wanted but was ready for a vasectomy if I didn't) but it didn't even feel so much like deciding "this is it" than confirming where I already was.
I am a stepmother, and that's been a gig that I've liked and think I've been decent at. But it's only reinforced the fact that I'm just as happy never to have had biological children. I've been able to pass down some wisdom (I hope) and make a difference in my stepkids' lives, but I've also welcomed the intellectual and emotional distance that stepparenting allows. There are other roles like that in the world--maybe they don't make as big an impact as a parent does (sometimes, that's a good thing!), but they undeniably make an impact.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:24 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am a stepmother, and that's been a gig that I've liked and think I've been decent at. But it's only reinforced the fact that I'm just as happy never to have had biological children. I've been able to pass down some wisdom (I hope) and make a difference in my stepkids' lives, but I've also welcomed the intellectual and emotional distance that stepparenting allows. There are other roles like that in the world--maybe they don't make as big an impact as a parent does (sometimes, that's a good thing!), but they undeniably make an impact.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:24 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Disclaimer: I've been childfree all my life, ever since I've been old enough to ponder the question, "kids or not?" Hell, a dog is too much work for me. Give me cats any day.
The thing with kids is that "you break it, you buy it." If you don't like that sofa, you can return it to the store. If your new pet proves to be a poor fit with your household, many shelters have a take-back policy (the place where I adopted my cat does). But once you have a kid, you HAVE that kid.
And it's not all Kodak moments with your easygoing, sweet-tempered angel who cleans her plate of broccoli. You could get a kid with a severe peanut allergy that requires Sherlock Holmesian levels of label-reading. You could get an autistic kid who requires lifelong care, even as you age and become frail. This is something a lot of the "you'll love them when you have them" crowd doesn't always point out.
Will you still love and be able to handle a child who requires unrelenting care and advocacy and won't leave you with an empty nest or give you grandchildren?
Even if your child isn't as special-needs as this, you might get a funny-looking colicky kid who doesn't give you many Hallmark moments and ensures you won't have a good night's sleep for months.
I realize that in every single kid-related post I tend to act like the world's worst Debbie Downer. I do bring personal issues to bear here (my parents weren't really prepared for what it was actually LIKE to have a child; they wanted all Hallmark moments, much to my detriment). And I realize that most kids are happy and healthy. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:28 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
The thing with kids is that "you break it, you buy it." If you don't like that sofa, you can return it to the store. If your new pet proves to be a poor fit with your household, many shelters have a take-back policy (the place where I adopted my cat does). But once you have a kid, you HAVE that kid.
And it's not all Kodak moments with your easygoing, sweet-tempered angel who cleans her plate of broccoli. You could get a kid with a severe peanut allergy that requires Sherlock Holmesian levels of label-reading. You could get an autistic kid who requires lifelong care, even as you age and become frail. This is something a lot of the "you'll love them when you have them" crowd doesn't always point out.
Will you still love and be able to handle a child who requires unrelenting care and advocacy and won't leave you with an empty nest or give you grandchildren?
Even if your child isn't as special-needs as this, you might get a funny-looking colicky kid who doesn't give you many Hallmark moments and ensures you won't have a good night's sleep for months.
I realize that in every single kid-related post I tend to act like the world's worst Debbie Downer. I do bring personal issues to bear here (my parents weren't really prepared for what it was actually LIKE to have a child; they wanted all Hallmark moments, much to my detriment). And I realize that most kids are happy and healthy. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:28 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
You're, essentially, 40.
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
I'd say 'No'.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:32 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
I'd say 'No'.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:32 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Why not narrow your selection a bit. Decide whether you'd be okay with adopting.
If the answer is yes then you have slightly less and somewhat different time pressure. I don't know whether NY allows singles to adopt (though I suspect they do) but that would matter if you don't find a partner within a certain period of time.
The other variation on the question I'd suggest you ask yourself is "can I be okay with not having kids?" Some people can't. My wife and I differ on this - she feels a need to be a parent, I simply feel a desire but would be okay if it didn't happen. If you feel strongly that you're going to NEED to parent then that's important.
And as a man who is 41 and starting the adoption process - and who knows a man who is in his early 60s and with a youngest who is in her early teens - I'd say you should mostly ignore Thorzdad on this one. Being an older parent has challenges but there are advantages as well.
posted by phearlez at 1:36 PM on July 25, 2011
If the answer is yes then you have slightly less and somewhat different time pressure. I don't know whether NY allows singles to adopt (though I suspect they do) but that would matter if you don't find a partner within a certain period of time.
The other variation on the question I'd suggest you ask yourself is "can I be okay with not having kids?" Some people can't. My wife and I differ on this - she feels a need to be a parent, I simply feel a desire but would be okay if it didn't happen. If you feel strongly that you're going to NEED to parent then that's important.
And as a man who is 41 and starting the adoption process - and who knows a man who is in his early 60s and with a youngest who is in her early teens - I'd say you should mostly ignore Thorzdad on this one. Being an older parent has challenges but there are advantages as well.
posted by phearlez at 1:36 PM on July 25, 2011
You're, essentially, 40.
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
So?
I don't think this is a reason not to have kids. Though I guess the OP should factor this basic addition into her thinking.
posted by kestrel251 at 1:48 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
So?
I don't think this is a reason not to have kids. Though I guess the OP should factor this basic addition into her thinking.
posted by kestrel251 at 1:48 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
You're, essentially, 40.
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
I'd say 'No'.
Can you elaborate? My mother was in her 60s when I graduated from college and I don't think either of us exhibited any mental scarring as a result.
posted by phoenixy at 1:51 PM on July 25, 2011 [15 favorites]
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
I'd say 'No'.
Can you elaborate? My mother was in her 60s when I graduated from college and I don't think either of us exhibited any mental scarring as a result.
posted by phoenixy at 1:51 PM on July 25, 2011 [15 favorites]
Having kids is the same as going to graduate school. Don't even consider it unless you reallyl, really, really want that more than anything else in life. Otherwise it won't be worth it.
posted by txmon at 1:57 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by txmon at 1:57 PM on July 25, 2011
A couple of years back a friend of mine was going through a similar phase, so she decided to have a check-up to find out how much time she had left. I don't know the details, but apparently there are specialists who do something like an egg-count and let you know if you have reason for alarm, or if you are still in the clear (she was your age, and found out that she had a good way to go).
Another thing you might want to clarify whilst you are making your decision - what is your support system in case you decide for a kid? What about support from family/friends? How accommodating would your workplace be? What other lifestyle changes would you have to contemplate, at a minimum? What options are out there? Maybe read up on motherhood in general, amongst different cultures, then amongst your own peers/other people in your situation, so that you know the practicalities of your decision.
This might help you cut down to the bottom line: once all the other, potentially obfuscating information, is out in the open, what does your gut say?
posted by miorita at 2:05 PM on July 25, 2011
Another thing you might want to clarify whilst you are making your decision - what is your support system in case you decide for a kid? What about support from family/friends? How accommodating would your workplace be? What other lifestyle changes would you have to contemplate, at a minimum? What options are out there? Maybe read up on motherhood in general, amongst different cultures, then amongst your own peers/other people in your situation, so that you know the practicalities of your decision.
This might help you cut down to the bottom line: once all the other, potentially obfuscating information, is out in the open, what does your gut say?
posted by miorita at 2:05 PM on July 25, 2011
Once a good friend told me that her father said that the right time to have kids was when you can't bear not to have them.
I didn't take that advice myself, and "got" pregnant at 23 and chose to keep the baby and provide a sibling for them. Later, in my 30s, I had a couple of years of massive biological clock ticking and chose to ignore it. I'm glad I did. My kids are the biggest thing I have done, but I was not the ideal parent, it was a struggle a lot of the time, I sacrificed (as you do) a lot for them. I don't regret having children, but I still think my father's friend was right.
posted by b33j at 2:14 PM on July 25, 2011
I didn't take that advice myself, and "got" pregnant at 23 and chose to keep the baby and provide a sibling for them. Later, in my 30s, I had a couple of years of massive biological clock ticking and chose to ignore it. I'm glad I did. My kids are the biggest thing I have done, but I was not the ideal parent, it was a struggle a lot of the time, I sacrificed (as you do) a lot for them. I don't regret having children, but I still think my father's friend was right.
posted by b33j at 2:14 PM on July 25, 2011
Can you elaborate?
Sure. I'm basing my opinion on my having had two kids, starting when I was 30. They are now 20 and 24, respectively. I can't imagine time-shifting all the events and stress 10 more years forward into my 60's. If others can do it with aplomb and grace, kudos. Personally, I can't imagine it turning out well for me.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:15 PM on July 25, 2011
Sure. I'm basing my opinion on my having had two kids, starting when I was 30. They are now 20 and 24, respectively. I can't imagine time-shifting all the events and stress 10 more years forward into my 60's. If others can do it with aplomb and grace, kudos. Personally, I can't imagine it turning out well for me.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:15 PM on July 25, 2011
I'd like to pass on what I know, raise a child better than I was, leave this Earth seeing a bit of myself in another human being.
Only someone who wanted kids would say that. Maybe you can't admit it to yourself because you are afraid of being disappointed if it doesn't happen?
posted by AlsoMike at 2:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Only someone who wanted kids would say that. Maybe you can't admit it to yourself because you are afraid of being disappointed if it doesn't happen?
posted by AlsoMike at 2:22 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Well, to some degree, you might be good at letting dating decide the point for you. If you end up with a guy who definitely wants kids or definitely doesn't and you don't feel strongly either way, then that might make your decision for you. Or if the dude already has kids, that could fulfill the urge too. If you don't feel a tug one way or the other and could probably go either way, maybe just letting life circumstances decide for you might work? At the very least, you don't sound like someone who wants kids so badly that you'll hit the turkey baster and sperm clinic to DIY, so maybe you should just allow for some flexibility when making the decision?
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:12 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:12 PM on July 25, 2011
I don't want kids, but I always had some nagging thing in the back of my mind: what if I'm missing something fabulous and wonderful and I am making the wrong decision?
In the end I realised that there are all kinds of fabulous and wonderful ways my life could go. 99% of those things are ones that aren't going to happen, but whatever happens instead will be fantastic in its own way. Undoubtedly many of the aspects of my life will turn out to be things that I would never have done if I'd have had kids.
Maybe it will be easier to decide what to do if you can be comfortable that you will make something great out of your life whichever way it goes.
posted by emilyw at 4:02 PM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
In the end I realised that there are all kinds of fabulous and wonderful ways my life could go. 99% of those things are ones that aren't going to happen, but whatever happens instead will be fantastic in its own way. Undoubtedly many of the aspects of my life will turn out to be things that I would never have done if I'd have had kids.
Maybe it will be easier to decide what to do if you can be comfortable that you will make something great out of your life whichever way it goes.
posted by emilyw at 4:02 PM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure wanting kids is an on or off, all or nothing thing. For me it's been dependent on other things happening in my life at the time (single and childless right now fwiw).
From the moment I could understand words, I've had it drummed into me (by mum and grandma) that I will be a great mum and I'll have lots of wonderful children. So I took that as read. Significant life changes led me to question that assumption and I went through a stage of virulently not wanting children (an overreaction in the opposite direction to my mum and grandma's desires for me).
Right now, being single and in my mid thirties, I'm not sure what I want but I know from past experience that being in a relationship changes my mind about these things. I seem to surrender myself to the hormones and suddenly know for sure that I want kids.
So my advice is to cut yourself some slack and don't expect yourself to make a decision one way or another. Like many other great suggestions in this thread, spend some time around kids and see how you go and other than that, don't put pressure on yourself to make an absolute decision that you must abide by for all time.
posted by prettypretty at 4:18 PM on July 25, 2011
From the moment I could understand words, I've had it drummed into me (by mum and grandma) that I will be a great mum and I'll have lots of wonderful children. So I took that as read. Significant life changes led me to question that assumption and I went through a stage of virulently not wanting children (an overreaction in the opposite direction to my mum and grandma's desires for me).
Right now, being single and in my mid thirties, I'm not sure what I want but I know from past experience that being in a relationship changes my mind about these things. I seem to surrender myself to the hormones and suddenly know for sure that I want kids.
So my advice is to cut yourself some slack and don't expect yourself to make a decision one way or another. Like many other great suggestions in this thread, spend some time around kids and see how you go and other than that, don't put pressure on yourself to make an absolute decision that you must abide by for all time.
posted by prettypretty at 4:18 PM on July 25, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks everyone for sharing your advice and what you went through. To clarify, I have zero interest in intentionally being a single mother (hardest job in the world and I'd like to raise a kid with a partner). Also, someone asked if I would consider adoption. Perhaps in the future? My question comes more from the biological ability standpoint of running of time.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:30 PM on July 25, 2011
Some direct replies:
EmpressCallipygos, my thoughts have been along the lines of what you've expressed - I assumed if I found the right guy, I may understand my feelings - but as I've gotten older, the reality has become harsher and it's been more difficult to just go with it.
kmennie - loved what you wrote. Yeah, I wouldn't mind my life being about making a pretty remarkable person as any kid of mine would be. :)
AlsoMike - I think you've really touched upon something. Perhaps that's what's making me so scared. That I really want it, prevented myself from thinking about it for the past six years and now I'm thinking about it as the window for biological children gets smaller and smaller.
I have never been in a situation where I allowed myself to really think about it. What was the point, I thought, if I kept having one bad relationship after another, to think about it?
That said, I certainly would love to be in a relationship and have a guy with whom I could have this discussion with, someone with whom I'd want to raise a child with. I will be disappointed in not finding this person and having the opportunity to be in a place where I could say, "yes, let's have a baby."
Agreeing with previous posters who said that babysitting and spending time with friends' children is NOT the same. It really gives you no idea and if anything, will turn you off to having children. I worked at a school, have a godson, spent time with friends kids and if anything, it delayed my decision to have kids.
You say you don't have a biological clock ticking--is this denial that you can do it later in your 40's? Of course many people do, but is there any sense of urgency for you knowing that it's easier the sooner you do it? What would happen if you got pregnant tomorrow? Do you have a job, family to help you out, great friends? Since you're single, how do you feel about dropping your baby/child off at daycare everyday? Do you have other dreams that would have to be put on hold for the baby (travelling, yoga retreats, mountain climbing, writing novels, etc?) Would you be cool raising a future boyfriend's kids...not your birth child? What will your ideal life look like if you decide to have a child? What if you decide not to?
posted by hellochula at 4:30 PM on July 25, 2011
You say you don't have a biological clock ticking--is this denial that you can do it later in your 40's? Of course many people do, but is there any sense of urgency for you knowing that it's easier the sooner you do it? What would happen if you got pregnant tomorrow? Do you have a job, family to help you out, great friends? Since you're single, how do you feel about dropping your baby/child off at daycare everyday? Do you have other dreams that would have to be put on hold for the baby (travelling, yoga retreats, mountain climbing, writing novels, etc?) Would you be cool raising a future boyfriend's kids...not your birth child? What will your ideal life look like if you decide to have a child? What if you decide not to?
posted by hellochula at 4:30 PM on July 25, 2011
thanks for the update, OP.
I should give you the disclaimer, though, that we may be thinking similar things for different reasons. Part of my being able to accept waiting for the right guy -- even though I know that the biological end of things could run out -- is that I've always considered adoption to be a thing I could do I've always known people who adopted some of their kids simply because they wanted to (they could have their own, but wanted to adopt as well), and then my biological clock kind of got re-set when I was 26 and had a single oophrectomy. So adoption has always been in my radar as a potential thing to do anyway, and I've had 15 years of knowing that it may HAVE to be what I do. So I've been thinking about this question as something totally independent of my fertility anyway.
Which actually has turned out to be a relief, I'll admit....as it gives me time to find the right guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:57 PM on July 25, 2011
I should give you the disclaimer, though, that we may be thinking similar things for different reasons. Part of my being able to accept waiting for the right guy -- even though I know that the biological end of things could run out -- is that I've always considered adoption to be a thing I could do I've always known people who adopted some of their kids simply because they wanted to (they could have their own, but wanted to adopt as well), and then my biological clock kind of got re-set when I was 26 and had a single oophrectomy. So adoption has always been in my radar as a potential thing to do anyway, and I've had 15 years of knowing that it may HAVE to be what I do. So I've been thinking about this question as something totally independent of my fertility anyway.
Which actually has turned out to be a relief, I'll admit....as it gives me time to find the right guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:57 PM on July 25, 2011
Imagine dying childless. What's your reaction? There's your answer.
Wait, that came out wrong in the harsh reality of text. Let me rephrase. Imagine NEVER having children. Are you OK with that? Because despite what was mentioned above, let me tell you, there are no great breakthroughs in infertility treatment on the horizon, and as much as I wish it were not so, there is a really sharp downward curve to fertility after age 38 or so. At this point, having your own biological children has a likelihood of being a significantly resource-intensive enterprise. :-(
I have two kids. They are amazing and they light my world. But parenting them is hard enough work that I would recommend it only to someone who really yearns for kids. It's like climbing Mt. Everest or becoming a neurosurgeon or something; it's awesome, and it's hard.
posted by KathrynT at 5:36 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Wait, that came out wrong in the harsh reality of text. Let me rephrase. Imagine NEVER having children. Are you OK with that? Because despite what was mentioned above, let me tell you, there are no great breakthroughs in infertility treatment on the horizon, and as much as I wish it were not so, there is a really sharp downward curve to fertility after age 38 or so. At this point, having your own biological children has a likelihood of being a significantly resource-intensive enterprise. :-(
I have two kids. They are amazing and they light my world. But parenting them is hard enough work that I would recommend it only to someone who really yearns for kids. It's like climbing Mt. Everest or becoming a neurosurgeon or something; it's awesome, and it's hard.
posted by KathrynT at 5:36 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I read Do I Want to be a Mom? a few years ago. Wasn't exactly life-changing, but the frank testimonies of women who were thankful/regretful about their decision to have/not have kids gave me a lot to think about.
posted by Opal at 9:35 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by Opal at 9:35 PM on July 25, 2011
Sure. I'm basing my opinion on my having had two kids, starting when I was 30. They are now 20 and 24, respectively. I can't imagine time-shifting all the events and stress 10 more years forward into my 60's. If others can do it with aplomb and grace, kudos. Personally, I can't imagine it turning out well for me.
True, younger parents often have more energy and health, but older ones often have more money to spend on daycare, babysitters, etc. and may be more established in their careers allowing them to have a more flexible schedule. I think there are advantages and disadvantages to having kids at any age.
Anyway, to bring this back around to the OP--a lot of the language in your original post is sort of deadline-driven. If there weren't a biological deadline, would you still want kids? Having to act quickly to get something always makes us want it, even if we don't really want it--"offer good today only!" is a classic sales tactic for a reason--and I don't think your thoughts are unusual for a childless woman who's nearing the end of her reproductive years. Anyway, if you're single, and single parenting isn't something you'd consider, the kids question is really putting the cart before the horse. It seems like what you're feeling is more fear and panic ("what if I can never have kids?") than actual indecision ("do I want kids?").
I'd like to pass on what I know, raise a child better than I was, leave this Earth seeing a bit of myself in another human being.
Only someone who wanted kids would say that.
I dunno. I think everybody would like that, even people who don't want kids--I mean, who wouldn't?
posted by phoenixy at 9:51 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
True, younger parents often have more energy and health, but older ones often have more money to spend on daycare, babysitters, etc. and may be more established in their careers allowing them to have a more flexible schedule. I think there are advantages and disadvantages to having kids at any age.
Anyway, to bring this back around to the OP--a lot of the language in your original post is sort of deadline-driven. If there weren't a biological deadline, would you still want kids? Having to act quickly to get something always makes us want it, even if we don't really want it--"offer good today only!" is a classic sales tactic for a reason--and I don't think your thoughts are unusual for a childless woman who's nearing the end of her reproductive years. Anyway, if you're single, and single parenting isn't something you'd consider, the kids question is really putting the cart before the horse. It seems like what you're feeling is more fear and panic ("what if I can never have kids?") than actual indecision ("do I want kids?").
I'd like to pass on what I know, raise a child better than I was, leave this Earth seeing a bit of myself in another human being.
Only someone who wanted kids would say that.
I dunno. I think everybody would like that, even people who don't want kids--I mean, who wouldn't?
posted by phoenixy at 9:51 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I felt like you did for a while. Then my mom died, I had a couple of mental health issues come to my attention and I began to live a bit more. Next thing I knew, I wanted kids. Biological kids, adopted kids, foster kids... it made no difference. I just knew that at some point in my life, I wanted to be a dad and I would gladly be a single father if it came to that.
I don't know what it is that tipped the scales exactly. Maybe it was being faced with mortality and seeing my mother's strong desire to hold on long enough to see her kids graduate high school at very least (she didn't). Maybe it was being saddled with a teenager that isn't mine and who I'm not at all equipped to help. Maybe it was finally pulling my head out of my ass and realizing that I'd spent the past 6 years of my life in a depressed puddle.
If you don't have that deep-seated desire and your concern is about biological validity because of time, I would support those saying that what you're feeling is panic about potentially making the "wrong decision". What if you could have kids later, do you think you would? When you picture your future, do you picture it with children? When you get old?
posted by buteo at 10:11 PM on July 25, 2011
I don't know what it is that tipped the scales exactly. Maybe it was being faced with mortality and seeing my mother's strong desire to hold on long enough to see her kids graduate high school at very least (she didn't). Maybe it was being saddled with a teenager that isn't mine and who I'm not at all equipped to help. Maybe it was finally pulling my head out of my ass and realizing that I'd spent the past 6 years of my life in a depressed puddle.
If you don't have that deep-seated desire and your concern is about biological validity because of time, I would support those saying that what you're feeling is panic about potentially making the "wrong decision". What if you could have kids later, do you think you would? When you picture your future, do you picture it with children? When you get old?
posted by buteo at 10:11 PM on July 25, 2011
I'm too young to answer this question based on personal experience, but I have a couple anecdotes for you. One of my professors, a bright, healthy and charming woman, was in a similar bind in her late 30s. She thought she'd find a guy to settle down with and it didn't happen. She went through a lot of soul-searching, spent time with other people's kids, and even got a dog and ultimately realized that she liked the role of caretaker. She also wanted a biological child. So at 40 she found a sperm donor and had her own child. She lost the first pregnancy, but the second one went fine and she now has a healthy daughter. Afterwards she started dating again and found a great guy, another academic, and they're headed towards marriage. So there's that. She's a wonderful person, very kind to students, and I'm sure that translates well into motherhood.
My aunt thought she'd be in the same position and ended up getting married in her late 30s very last minute, with a great man she met at church, and has two kids via fertility treatments. It was a real struggle to get pregnant but it worked out and the kids are great little people. While parenting can be challenging, it's obvious that she has this huge mama bear thing with them, probably because she appreciates how difficult it was to get pregnant. I know that she really, really wanted her kids. I think they keep her young, too- she's definitely not too old or too tired to raise them.
So I think to some extent the more obstacles you have to overcome, the more you realize how badly you really wanted kids. It will probably be emotionally exhausting, expensive, and painful, but it's not too late for you. It can still happen, realistically, and work out well in the end.
posted by Nixy at 6:39 AM on July 26, 2011
My aunt thought she'd be in the same position and ended up getting married in her late 30s very last minute, with a great man she met at church, and has two kids via fertility treatments. It was a real struggle to get pregnant but it worked out and the kids are great little people. While parenting can be challenging, it's obvious that she has this huge mama bear thing with them, probably because she appreciates how difficult it was to get pregnant. I know that she really, really wanted her kids. I think they keep her young, too- she's definitely not too old or too tired to raise them.
So I think to some extent the more obstacles you have to overcome, the more you realize how badly you really wanted kids. It will probably be emotionally exhausting, expensive, and painful, but it's not too late for you. It can still happen, realistically, and work out well in the end.
posted by Nixy at 6:39 AM on July 26, 2011
Also, someone asked if I would consider adoption. Perhaps in the future? My question comes more from the biological ability standpoint of running of time.
I think several of us suggested it but my point at least was that you should consider whether you feel in your heart that there's some difference. More on point, that if you adopted you'd be compromising, making a less desirable choice, etc.
I can tell you I think that's the wrong attitude, but who gives a damn what I think? You're the one who has to live with your choices, along with your potentially adopted child who might sense or find out that you wish you'd had a biological child. That sucks for everyone, so if that's your inclination then it's important to know it now and make your plans accordingly. If adoption would not make you as happy then you need to consider your timetable and possibly look into various egg freezing or other alternatives.
posted by phearlez at 8:41 AM on July 26, 2011
I think several of us suggested it but my point at least was that you should consider whether you feel in your heart that there's some difference. More on point, that if you adopted you'd be compromising, making a less desirable choice, etc.
I can tell you I think that's the wrong attitude, but who gives a damn what I think? You're the one who has to live with your choices, along with your potentially adopted child who might sense or find out that you wish you'd had a biological child. That sucks for everyone, so if that's your inclination then it's important to know it now and make your plans accordingly. If adoption would not make you as happy then you need to consider your timetable and possibly look into various egg freezing or other alternatives.
posted by phearlez at 8:41 AM on July 26, 2011
You'll be in your 60's before your kid(s) leave college.
I grew up with older parents and, sure, it's not like they were running around with me all the time but they were good parents. There's a lot to be said for having parents who are stable and advanced in their careers. I think my dad was 53 when my little brother was born...
posted by Bunglegirl at 8:53 PM on July 26, 2011
I grew up with older parents and, sure, it's not like they were running around with me all the time but they were good parents. There's a lot to be said for having parents who are stable and advanced in their careers. I think my dad was 53 when my little brother was born...
posted by Bunglegirl at 8:53 PM on July 26, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by katypickle at 12:19 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]